THE NINTH STORY
[Day the Eighth]
MASTER SIMONE THE PHYSICIAN, HAVING BEEN INDUCED BY BRUNO AND BUFFALMACCO TO REPAIR TO A CERTAIN PLACE BY NIGHT, THERE TO BE MADE A MEMBER OF A COMPANY THAT GOETH A-ROVING, IS CAST BY BUFFALMACCO INTO A TRENCH FULL OF ORDURE AND THERE LEFT
After the ladies had chatted awhile over the community of wivespractised by the two Siennese, the queen, with whom alone it rested totell, so she would not do Dioneo an unright, began on this wise:"Right well, lovesome ladies, did Spinelloccio deserve the cheat putupon him by Zeppa; wherefore meseemeth he is not severely to be blamed(as Pampinea sought awhile ago to show), who putteth a cheat on thosewho go seeking it or deserve it. Now Spinelloccio deserved it, and Imean to tell you of one who went seeking it for himself. Those whotricked him, I hold not to be blameworthy, but rather commendable, andhe to whom it was done was a physician, who, having set out forBologna a sheepshead, returned to Florence all covered withminiver.[396]
[Footnote 396: _i.e._ with the doctor's hood of miniver.]
As we see daily, our townsmen return hither from Bologna, this ajudge, that a physician and a third a notary, tricked out with robeslong and large and scarlets and minivers and store of other fineparaphernalia, and make a mighty brave show, to which how far theeffects conform we may still see all day long. Among the rest acertain Master Simone da Villa, richer in inherited goods than inlearning, returned hither, no great while since, a doctor of medicine,according to his own account, clad all in scarlet[397] and with agreat miniver hood, and took a house in the street which we callnowadays the Via del Cocomero. This said Master Simone, being thusnewly returned, as hath been said, had, amongst other his notablecustoms, a trick of asking whosoever was with him who was no matterwhat man he saw pass in the street, and as if of the doings andfashions of men he should compound the medicines he gave hispatients, he took note of all and laid them all up in his memory.Amongst others on whom it occurred to him more particularly to casthis eyes were two painters of whom it hath already twice to-day beendiscoursed, namely, Bruno and Buffalmacco, who were neighbours of hisand still went in company. Himseeming they recked less of the worldand lived more merrily than other folk, as was indeed the case, hequestioned divers persons of their condition and hearing from all thatthey were poor men and painters, he took it into his head that itmight not be they lived so blithely of their poverty, but concluded,for that he had heard they were shrewd fellows, that they must needsderive very great profits from some source unknown to the general;wherefore he was taken with a desire to clap up an acquaintance, an hemight, with them both, or at least with one of them, and succeeded inmaking friends with Bruno. The latter, perceiving, after he had beenwith him a few times, that the physician was a very jackass, began togive himself the finest time in the world with him and to be hugelydiverted with his extraordinary humours, whilst Master Simone in likemanner took a marvellous delight in his company.
[Footnote 397: The colour of the doctors' robes of that time.]
After a while, having sundry times bidden him to dinner and thinkinghimself entitled in consequence to discourse familiarly with him, hediscovered to him the wonderment that he felt at him and Buffalmacco,how, being poor men, they lived so merrily, and besought him toapprise him how they did. Bruno, hearing this talk from the physicianand himseeing the question was one of his wonted witlessimpertinences, fell a-laughing in his sleeve, and bethinking himselfto answer him according as his folly deserved, said, 'Doctor, thereare not many whom I would tell how we do; but you I shall not scrupleto tell, for that you are a friend and I know you will not repeat itto any. It is true we live, my friend and I, as merrily and as well asit appeareth to you, nay, more so, albeit neither of our craft nor ofrevenues we derive from any possessions might we have enough to payfor the very water we consume. Yet I would not, for all that, have youthink that we go steal; nay, we go a-roving, and thence, without hurtunto any, we get us all to which we have a mind or for which we haveoccasion; hence the merry life you see us lead.'
The physician, hearing this and believing it, without knowing what itwas, marvelled exceedingly and forthright conceiving an ardent desireto know what manner of thing this going a-roving might be, besoughthim very urgently to tell him, affirming that he would assuredly neverdiscover it to any. 'Alack, doctor,' cried Bruno, 'what is this youask me? This you would know is too great a secret and a thing to undome and drive me from the world, nay, to bring me into the mouth of theLucifer of San Gallo,[398] should any come to know it. But so great isthe love I bear your right worshipful pumpkinheadship of Legnaja[399]and the confidence I have in you that I can deny you nothing youwould have; wherefore I will tell it you, on condition that you swearto me by the cross at Montesone, never, as you have promised, to tellit to any one.
[Footnote 398: The commentators note here that on the church door ofSan Gallo was depicted an especially frightful Lucifer, with manymouths.]
[Footnote 399: Legnaja is said to be famous for big pumpkins.]
The physician declared that he would never repeat what he should tellhim, and Bruno said, 'You must know, then, honey doctor mine, that notlong since there was in this city a great master in necromancy, whowas called Michael Scott, for that he was of Scotland, and whoreceived the greatest hospitality from many gentlemen, of whom few arenowadays alive; wherefore, being minded to depart hence, he left them,at their instant prayers, two of his ablest disciples, whom heenjoined still to hold themselves in readiness to satisfy every wishof the gentlemen who had so worshipfully entertained him. These two,then, freely served the aforesaid gentlemen in certain amours oftheirs and other small matters, and afterward, the city and the usagesof the folk pleasing them, they determined to abide there always.Accordingly, they contracted great and strait friendship with certainof the townfolk, regarding not who they were, whether gentle orsimple, rich or poor, but solely if they were men comfortable to theirown usances; and to pleasure these who were thus become their friends,they founded a company of maybe five-and-twenty men, who shouldforegather twice at the least in the month in some place appointed ofthem, where being assembled, each should tell them his desire, whichthey would forthright accomplish unto him for that night. Buffalmaccoand I, having an especial friendship and intimacy with these two, wereput of them on the roll of the aforesaid company and are stillthereof. And I may tell you that, what time it chanceth that weassemble together, it is a marvellous thing to see the hangings aboutthe saloon where we eat and the tables spread on royal wise and themultitude of noble and goodly servants, as well female as male, at thepleasure of each one who is of the company, and the basons and ewersand flagons and goblets and the vessels of gold and silver, wherein weeat and drink, more by token of the many and various viands that areset before us, each in its season, according to that which each onedesireth. I could never avail to set out to you what and how many arethe sweet sounds of innumerable instruments and the songs full ofmelody that are heard there; nor might I tell you how much wax isburned at these suppers nor what and how many are the confections thatare consumed there nor how costly are the wines that are drunken. ButI would not have you believe, good saltless pumpkinhead mine, that weabide there in this habit and with these clothes that you see us wearevery day; nay, there is none of us of so little account but wouldseem to you an emperor, so richly are we adorned with vestments ofprice and fine things. But, over all the other pleasures that be thereis that of fair ladies, who, so one but will it, are incontinentbrought thither from the four quarters of the world. There might yousee the Sovereign Lady of the Rascal-Roughs, the Queen of the Basques,the wife of the Soldan, the Empress of the Usbeg Tartars, theDriggledraggletail of Norroway, the Moll-a-green of Flapdoodleland andthe Madkate of Woolgathergreen. But why need I enumerate them to you?There be all the queens in the world, even, I may say, to theSirreverence of Prester John, who hath his horns amiddleward his arse;see you now? There, after we have drunken and eaten confections andwalked a dance or two, each lady bet
aketh herself to her bedchamberwith him at whose instance she hath been brought thither. And you mustknow that these bedchambers are a very paradise to behold, so goodlythey are; ay, and they are no less odoriferous than are thespice-boxes of your shop, whenas you let bray cummin-seed, and thereinare beds that would seem to you goodlier than that of the Doge ofVenice, and in these they betake themselves to rest. Marry, what aworking of the treadles, what a hauling-to of the battens to make thecloth close, these weaveresses keep up, I will e'en leave you toimagine; but of those who fare best, to my seeming, are Buffalmaccoand myself, for that he most times letteth come thither the Queen ofFrance for himself, whilst I send for her of England, the which aretwo of the fairest ladies in the world, and we have known so to dothat they have none other eye in their head than us.[400] Whereforeyou may judge for yourself if we can and should live and go moremerrily than other men, seeing we have the love of two such queens,more by token that, whenas we would have a thousand or two thousandflorins of them, we get them not. This, then, we commonly style goinga-roving, for that, like as the rovers take every man's good, even sodo we, save that we are in this much different from them that theynever restore that which they take, whereas we return it again, whenaswe have used it. Now, worthy doctor mine, you have heard what it is wecall going a-roving; but how strictly this requireth to be kept secretyou can see for yourself, and therefore I say no more to you nor prayyou thereof.'
[Footnote 400: _i.e._ they think of and cherish us alone, holding usas dear as their very eyes.]
The physician, whose science reached no farther belike than the curingchildren of the scald-head, gave as much credit to Bruno's story ashad been due to the most manifest truth and was inflamed with as greatdesire to be received into that company as might be kindled in any forthe most desirable thing in the world; wherefore he made answer to himthat assuredly it was no marvel if they went merry and hardlyconstrained himself to defer requesting him to bring him to be thereuntil such time as, having done him further hospitality, he might withmore confidence proffer his request to him. Accordingly, reservingthis unto a more favourable season, he proceeded to keep straiterusance with Bruno, having him morning and evening to eat with him andshowing him an inordinate affection; and indeed so great and soconstant was this their commerce that it seemed as if the physiciancould not nor knew how to live without the painter. The latter,finding himself in good case, so he might not appear ungrateful forthe hospitality shown him, had painted Master Simone a picture of Lentin his saloon, besides an Agnus Dei at the entering in of his chamberand a chamber-pot over the street-door, so those who had occasion forhis advice might know how to distinguish him from the others; and ina little gallery he had, he had depictured him the battle of the ratsand the cats, which appeared to the physician a very fine thing.Moreover, he said whiles to him, whenas he had not supper with himovernight, 'I was at the society yesternight and being a trifle tiredof the Queen of England, I caused fetch me the Dolladoxy of the GrandCham of Tartary.' 'What meaneth Dolladoxy?' asked Master Simone. 'I donot understand these names.' 'Marry, doctor mine,' replied Bruno, 'Imarvel not thereat, for I have right well heard that Porcograsso andVannacena[401] say nought thereof.' Quoth the physician. 'Thou meanestIpocrasso and Avicenna.' 'I' faith,' answered Bruno, 'I know not; Iunderstand your names as ill as you do mine; but Dolladoxy in theGrand Cham's lingo meaneth as much as to say Empress in our tongue.Egad, you would think her a plaguy fine woman! I dare well say shewould make you forget your drugs and your clysters and all yourplasters.'
[Footnote 401: _i.e._ Fat-hog and Get-thee-to-supper, burlesqueperversions of the names Ipocrasso (Hippocrates) and Avicenna.]
On this wise he bespoke him at one time and another, to enkindle himthe more, till one night, what while it chanced my lord doctor heldthe light to Bruno, who was in act to paint the battle of the rats andthe cats, the former, himseeming he had now well taken him with hishospitalities, determined to open his mind to him, and accordingly,they being alone together, he said to him, 'God knoweth, Bruno, thereis no one alive for whom I would do everything as I would for thee;indeed, shouldst thou bid me go hence to Peretola, methinketh it wouldtake little to make me go thither; wherefore I would not have theemarvel if I require thee of somewhat familiarly and with confidence.As thou knowest, it is no great while since thou bespokest me of thefashions of your merry company, wherefore so great a longing hathtaken me to be one of you that never did I desire aught so much. Noris this my desire without cause, as thou shalt see, if ever it chancethat I be of your company; for I give thee leave to make mock of me anI cause not come thither the finest serving-wench thou ever setst eyeson. I saw her but last year at Cacavincigli and wish her all myweal;[402] and by the body of Christ, I had e'en given her half ascore Bolognese groats, so she would but have consented to me; but shewould not. Wherefore, as most I may, I prithee teach me what I must doto avail to be of your company and do thou also do and contrive so Imay be thereof. Indeed, you will have in me a good and loyal comrade,ay, and a worshipful. Thou seest, to begin with, what a fine man I amand how well I am set up on my legs. Ay, and I have a face as it werea rose, more by token that I am a doctor of medicine, such as Ibelieve you have none among you. Moreover, I know many fine things andgoodly canzonets; marry, I will sing you one.' And incontinent he fella-singing.
[Footnote 402: _i.e._ love her beyond anything in the world. Forformer instances of this idiomatic expression, see ante, passim.]
Bruno had so great a mind to laugh that he was like to burst; howeverhe contained himself and the physician, having made an end of hissong, said, 'How deemedst thou thereof?' 'Certes,' answered Bruno,'there's no Jew's harp but would lose with you, so archigothically doyou caterwarble it.' Quoth Master Simone, 'I tell thee thou wouldstnever have believed it, hadst thou not heard me.' 'Certes,' repliedBruno, 'you say sooth!' and the physician went on, 'I know store ofothers; but let that be for the present. Such as thou seest me, myfather was a gentleman, albeit he abode in the country, and I myselfcome by my mother of the Vallecchio family. Moreover, as thou maysthave seen, I have the finest books and gowns of any physician inFlorence. Cock's faith, I have a gown that stood me, all reckoned, innigh upon an hundred pounds of doits, more than half a score yearsago; wherefore I pray thee as most I may, to bring me to be of yourcompany, and by Cock's faith, an thou do it, thou mayst be as ill asthou wilt, for I will never take a farthing of thee for my services.'
Bruno, hearing this and the physician seeming to him a greaternumskull than ever, said, 'Doctor, hold the light a thought more thisway and take patience till I have made these rats their tails, andafter I will answer you.' The tails being finished, Bruno made believethat the physician's request was exceeding irksome to him and said,'Doctor mine, these be great things you would do for me and Iacknowledge it; nevertheless, that which you ask of me, little as itmay be for the greatness of your brain, is yet to me a very gravematter, nor know I any one in the world for whom, it being in mypower, I would do it, an I did it not for you, both because I love youas it behoveth and on account of your words, which are seasoned withso much wit that they would draw the straps out of a pair of boots,much more me from my purpose; for the more I consort with you, thewiser you appear to me. And I may tell you this, to boot, that, thoughI had none other reason, yet do I wish you well, for that I see youenamoured of so fair a creature as is she of whom you speak. But thismuch I will say to you; I have no such power in this matter as yousuppose and cannot therefore do for you that which were behoving;however, an you will promise me, upon your solemn and surbated[403]faith, to keep it me secret, I will tell you the means you must useand meseemeth certain that, with such fine books and other gear as youtell me you have, you will gain your end.'
[Footnote 403: Syn. cauterized (_calterita_), a nonsensical wordemployed by Bruno for the purpose of mystifying the credulousphysician.]
Quoth the doctor, 'Say on in all assurance; I see thou art not yetwell acquainted with me and knowest not how I can keep a secret. Therebe few t
hings indeed that Messer Guasparruolo da Saliceto did, whenashe was judge of the Provostry at Forlimpopoli, but he sent to tell me,for that he found me so good a secret-keeper.[404] And wilt thou judgean I say sooth? I was the first man whom he told that he was to marryBergamina: seest thou now?' 'Marry, then,' rejoined Bruno, 'all iswell; if such a man trusted in you, I may well do so. The course youmust take is on this wise. You must know that we still have to thisour company a captain and two counsellors, who are changed from sixmonths to six months, and without fail, at the first of the month,Buffalmacco will be captain and I shall be counsellor; for so it issettled. Now whoso is captain can do much by way of procuringwhomsoever he will to be admitted into the company; whereforemeseemeth you should seek, inasmuch as you may, to gain Buffalmacco'sfriendship and do him honour. He is a man, seeing you so wise, to fallin love with you incontinent, and whenas with your wit and with thesefine things you have you shall have somedele ingratiated yourself withhim, you can make your request to him; he will not know how to say younay. I have already bespoken him of you and he wisheth you all theweal in the world; and whenas you shall have done this, leave me dowith him.' Quoth the physician, 'That which thou counsellest liketh mewell. Indeed, an he be a man who delighteth in men of learning andtalketh but with me a little, I will engage to make him go stillseeking my company, for that, as for wit, I have so much thereof thatI could stock a city withal and yet abide exceeding wise.'
[Footnote 404: Syn. secretary, confidant (_segretaro_).]
This being settled, Bruno imparted the whole matter to Buffalmacco,wherefore it seemed to the latter a thousand years till they shouldcome to do that which this arch-zany went seeking. The physician, wholonged beyond measure to go a-roving, rested not till he made friendswith Buffalmacco, which he easily succeeded in doing, and therewithalhe fell to giving him, and Bruno with him, the finest suppers anddinners in the world. The two painters, like the accommodatinggentlemen they were, were nothing loath to engage with him and havingonce tasted the excellent wines and fat capons and other good thingsgalore, with which he plied them, stuck very close to him and ended byquartering themselves upon him, without awaiting overmuch invitation,still declaring that they would not do this for another. Presently,whenas it seemed to him time, the physician made the same request toBuffalmacco as he had made Bruno aforetime; whereupon Buffalmaccofeigned himself sore chagrined and made a great outcry against Bruno,saying, 'I vow to the High God of Pasignano that I can scarce withholdmyself from giving thee such a clout over the head as should cause thynose drop to thy heels, traitor that thou art; for none other thanthou hath discovered these matters to the doctor.'
Master Simone did his utmost to excuse Bruno, saying and swearing thathe had learned the thing from another quarter, and after many of hiswise words, he succeeded in pacifying Buffalmacco; whereupon thelatter turned to him and said, 'Doctor mine, it is very evident thatyou have been at Bologna and have brought back a close mouth to theseparts; and I tell you moreover that you have not learnt your A B C onthe apple as many blockheads are fain to do; nay, you have learned itaright on the pumpkin, that is so long;[405] and if I mistake not,you were baptized on a Sunday.[406] And albeit Bruno hath told methat you told me that you studied medicine there, meseemeth youstudied rather to learn to catch men, the which you, with your wit andyour fine talk, know better to do than any man I ever set eyes on.'Here the physician took the words out of his mouth and breaking in,said to Bruno, 'What a thing it is to talk and consort with learnedmen! Who would so have quickly apprehended every particular of myintelligence as hath this worthy man? Thou didst not half so speedilybecome aware of my value as he; but, at the least, that which I toldthee, whenas thou saidst to me that Buffalmacco delighted in learnedmen, seemeth it to thee I have done it?' 'Ay hast thou,' repliedBruno, 'and better.'
[Footnote 405: A play of words upon _mela_ (apple) and _mellone_(pumpkin). _Mellone_ is strictly a water-melon; but I have rendered it"pumpkin," to preserve the English idiom, "pumpkinhead" being ourequivalent for the Italian "melon," used in the sense of dullard,noodle.]
[Footnote 406: According to the commentators, "baptized on a Sunday"anciently signified a simpleton, because salt (which is constantlyused by the Italian classical writers as a synonym for wit or sense)was not sold on Sundays.]
Then said the doctor to Buffalmacco, 'Thou wouldst have told anothertale, hadst thou seen me at Bologna, where there was none, great orsmall, doctor or scholar, but wished me all the weal in the world, sowell did I know to content them all with my discourse and my wit. Andwhat is more, I never said a word there, but I made every one laugh,so hugely did I please them; and whenas I departed thence, they allset up the greatest lament in the world and would all have had meremain there; nay, to such a pass came it for that I should abidethere, that they would have left it to me alone to lecture on medicineto as many students as were there; but I would not, for that I wase'en minded to come hither to certain very great heritages which Ihave here and which have still been in my family; and so I did.' QuothBruno to Buffalmacco, 'How deemest thou? Thou believedst me not,whenas I told it thee. By the Evangels, there is not a leach in theseparts who is versed in asses' water to compare with this one, andassuredly thou wouldst not find another of him from here to Parisgates. Marry, hold yourself henceforth [if you can,] from doing thatwhich he will.' Quoth Master Simone, 'Bruno saith sooth; but I am notunderstood here. You Florentines are somewhat dull of wit; but I wouldhave you see me among the doctors, as I am used to be.' 'Verily,doctor,' said Buffalmacco, 'you are far wiser than I could ever havebelieved; wherefore to speak to you as it should be spoken to scholarssuch as you are, I tell you, cut-and-slash fashion,[407] I willwithout fail procure you to be of our company.'
[Footnote 407: Syn. confusedly (_frastagliatamente_).]
After this promise the physician redoubled in his hospitalities to thetwo rogues, who enjoyed themselves [at his expense,] what while theycrammed him with the greatest extravagances in the world and fooledhim to the top of his bent, promising him to give him to mistress theCountess of Jakes,[408]who was the fairest creature to be found inall the back-settlements of the human generation. The physicianenquired who this countess was, whereto quoth Buffalmacco, 'Good myseed-pumpkin, she is a very great lady and there be few houses in theworld wherein she hath not some jurisdiction. To say nothing ofothers, the Minor Friars themselves render her tribute, to the soundof kettle-drums.[409] And I can assure you that, whenas she goethabroad, she maketh herself well felt,[410] albeit she abideth for themost part shut up. Natheless, it is no great while since she passed byyour door, one night that she repaired to the Arno, to wash her feetand take the air a little; but her most continual abiding-place is inDraughthouseland.[411] There go ofttimes about store of her serjeants,who all in token of her supremacy, bear the staff and the plummet, andof her barons many are everywhere to be seen, such as Sirreverence ofthe Gate, Goodman Turd, Hardcake,[412] Squitterbreech and others, whomethinketh are your familiars, albeit you call them not presently tomind. In the soft arms, then, of this great lady, leaving be her ofCacavincigli, we will, an expectation cheat us not, bestow you.'
[Footnote 408: _La Contessa di Civillari_, _i.e._ the public sewers.Civillari, according to the commentators, was the name of an alley inFlorence, where all the ordure and filth of the neighbourhood wasdeposited and stored in trenches for manure.]
[Footnote 409: _Nacchere_, syn. a loud crack of wind.]
[Footnote 410: Syn. smelt (_sentito_).]
[Footnote 411: _Laterina_, _i.e._ Latrina.]
[Footnote 412: Lit. Broom-handle (_Manico della Scopa_).]
The physician, who had been born and bred at Bologna, understood nottheir canting terms and accordingly avouched himself well pleased withthe lady in question. Not long after this talk, the painters broughthim news that he was accepted to member of the company and the daybeing come before the night appointed for their assembly, he had themboth to dinner. When they had dined, he asked them what means itbehoved him take to
come thither; whereupon quoth Buffalmacco, 'Lookyou, doctor, it behoveth you have plenty of assurance; for that, anyou be not mighty resolute, you may chance to suffer hindrance and dous very great hurt; and in what it behoveth you to approve yourselfvery stout-hearted you shall hear. You must find means to be thisevening, at the season of the first sleep, on one of the raised tombswhich have been lately made without Santa Maria Novella, with one ofyour finest gowns on your back, so you may make an honourable figurefor your first appearance before the company and also because,according to what was told us (we were not there after) the Countessis minded, for that you are a man of gentle birth, to make you aKnight of the Bath at her own proper costs and charges; and there youmust wait till there cometh for you he whom we shall send. And so youmay be apprised of everything, there will come for you a black hornedbeast, not overbig, which will go capering about the piazza before youand making a great whistling and bounding, to terrify you; but, whenhe seeth that you are not to be daunted, he will come up to youquietly. Then do you, without any fear, come down from the tomb andmount the beast, naming neither God nor the Saints; and as soon as youare settled on his back, you must cross your hands upon your breast,in the attitude of obeisance, and touch him no more. He will then setoff softly and bring you to us; but if you call upon God or theSaints or show fear, I must tell you that he may chance to cast youoff or strike you into some place where you are like to stink for it;wherefore, an your heart misgive you and unless you can make sure ofbeing mighty resolute, come not thither, for you would but do us amischief, without doing yourself any good.'[413]
[Footnote 413: Lit. "do _yourself_ a mischief, without doing _us_ anygood"; but the sequel shows that the contrary is meant, as in thetext.]
Quoth the physician, 'I see you know me not yet; maybe you judge of meby my gloves and long gown. If you knew what I did aforetimes atBologna anights, when I went a-wenching whiles with my comrades, youwould marvel. Cock's faith, there was such and such a night when, oneof them refusing to come with us, (more by token that she was a scurvylittle baggage, no higher than my fist,) I dealt her, to begin with,good store of cuffs, then, taking her up bodily, I dare say I carriedher a crossbowshot and wrought so that needs must she come with us.Another time I remember me that, without any other in my company thana serving-man of mine, I passed yonder alongside the Cemetery of theMinor Friars, a little after the Ave Maria, albeit there had been awoman buried there that very day, and felt no whit of fear; whereforemisdoubt you not of this, for I am but too stout of heart and lusty.Moreover, I tell you that, to do you credit at my coming thither, Iwill don my gown of scarlet, wherein I was admitted doctor, and weshall see if the company rejoice not at my sight and an I be not madecaptain out of hand. You shall e'en see how the thing will go, once Iam there, since, without having yet set eyes on me, this countess hathfallen so enamoured of me that she is minded to make me a Knight ofthe Bath. It may be knighthood will not sit so ill on me nor shall Ibe at a loss to carry it off with worship! Marry, only leave me do.''You say very well,' answered Buffalmacco; 'but look you leave us notin the lurch and not come or not be found at the trysting-place,whenas we shall send for you; and this I say for that the weather iscold and you gentlemen doctors are very careful of yourselvesthereanent.' 'God forbid!' cried Master Simone. 'I am none of yourchilly ones. I reck not of the cold; seldom or never, whenas I rise ofa night for my bodily occasions, as a man will bytimes, do I put me onmore than my fur gown over my doublet. Wherefore I will certainly bethere.'
Thereupon they took leave of him and whenas it began to grow towardsnight, Master Simone contrived to make some excuse or other to hiswife and secretly got out his fine gown; then, whenas it seemed to himtime, he donned it and betook himself to Santa Maria Novella, where hemounted one of the aforesaid tombs and huddling himself up on themarble, for that the cold was great, he proceeded to wait the comingof the beast. Meanwhile Buffalmacco, who was tall and robust of hisperson, made shift to have one of those masks that were wont to beused for certain games which are not held nowadays, and donning ablack fur pelisse, inside out, arrayed himself therein on such wisethat he seemed a very bear, save that his mask had a devil's face andwas horned. Thus accoutred, he betook himself to the new Piazza ofSanta Maria, Bruno following him to see how the thing should go. Assoon as he perceived that the physician was there, he fell a-caperingand caracoling and made a terrible great blustering about the piazza,whistling and howling and bellowing as he were possessed of the devil.When Master Simone, who was more fearful than a woman, heard and sawthis, every hair of his body stood on end and he fell a-trembling allover, and it was now he had liefer been at home than there.Nevertheless, since he was e'en there, he enforced himself to takeheart, so overcome was he with desire to see the marvels whereof thepainters had told him.
After Buffalmacco had raged about awhile, as hath been said, he made ashow of growing pacified and coming up to the tomb whereon was thephysician, stood stock-still. Master Simone, who was all a-tremble forfear, knew not what to do, whether to mount or abide where he was.However, at last, fearing that the beast should do him a mischief, anhe mounted him not, he did away the first fear with the second andcoming down from the tomb, mounted on his back, saying softly, 'Godaid me!' Then he settled himself as best he might and still tremblingin every limb, crossed his hands upon his breast, as it had beenenjoined him; whereupon Buffalmacco set off at an amble towards SantaMaria della Scala and going on all fours, brought him hard by theNunnery of Ripole. In those days there were dykes in that quarter,wherein the tillers of the neighbouring lands let empty the jakes, tomanure their fields withal; whereto whenas Buffalmacco came nigh, hewent up to the brink of one of them and taking the opportunity, laidhold of one of the physician's legs and jerking him off his back,pitched him clean in, head foremost. Then he fell a-snorting andsnarling and capering and raged about awhile; after which he made offalongside Santa Maria della Scala till he came to Allhallows Fields.There he found Bruno, who had taken to flight, for that he was unableto restrain his laughter; and with him, after they had made merrytogether at Master Simone's expense, he addressed himself to see fromafar what the bemoiled physician should do.
My lord leech, finding himself in that abominable place, struggled toarise and strove as best he might to win forth thereof; and afterfalling in again and again, now here and now there, and swallowingsome drachms of the filth, he at last succeeded in making his way outof the dyke, in the woefullest of plights, bewrayed from head to footand leaving his bonnet behind him. Then, having wiped himself as besthe might with his hands and knowing not what other course to take, hereturned home and knocked till it was opened to him. Hardly was heentered, stinking as he did, and the door shut again ere up came Brunoand Buffalmacco, to hear how he should be received of his wife, andstanding hearkening, they heard the lady give him the foulest ratingwas ever given poor devil, saying, 'Good lack, what a pickle thou artin! Thou hast been gallanting it to some other woman and must needsseek to cut a figure with thy gown of scarlet! What, was not I enoughfor thee? Why, man alive, I could suffice to a whole people, let alonethee. Would God they had choked thee, like as they cast thee whereasthou deservedst to be thrown! Here's a fine physician for you, to havea wife of his own and go a-gadding anights after other folk'swomankind!' And with these and many other words of the same fashionshe gave not over tormenting him till midnight, what while thephysician let wash himself from head to foot.
Next morning up came Bruno and Buffalmacco, who had painted all theirflesh under their clothes with livid blotches, such as beatings use tomake, and entering the physician's house, found him already arisen.Accordingly they went in to him and found the whole place full ofstench, for that they had not yet been able so to clean everythingthat it should not stink there. Master Simone, seeing them enter, cameto meet them and bade God give them good day; whereto the two rogues,as they had agreed beforehand, replied with an angry air, saying,'That say we not to you; nay, rather, we pray God give you so many illyears that you may die a
dog's death, as the most disloyal man and thevilest traitor alive; for it was no thanks to you that, whereas westudied to do you pleasure and worship, we were not slain like dogs.As it is, thanks to your disloyalty, we have gotten so many buffetsthis past night that an ass would go to Rome for less, withoutreckoning that we have gone in danger of being expelled the companyinto which we had taken order for having you received. An you believeus not, look at our bodies and see how they have fared.' Then, openingtheir clothes in front, they showed him, by an uncertain light, theirbreasts all painted and covered them up again in haste.
The physician would have excused himself and told of his mishaps andhow and where he had been cast; but Buffalmacco said, 'Would he hadthrown you off the bridge into the Arno! Why did you call on God andthe Saints? Were you not forewarned of this?' 'By God His faith,'replied the physician, 'I did it not.' 'How?' cried Buffalmacco. 'Youdid not call on them? Egad, you did it again and again; for ourmessenger told us that you shook like a reed and knew not where youwere. Marry, for the nonce you have befooled us finely; but neveragain shall any one serve us thus, and we will yet do you such honourthereof as you merit.' The physician fell to craving pardon andconjuring them for God's sake not to dishonour him and studied toappease them with the best words he could command. And if aforetime hehad entreated them with honour, from that time forth he honoured themyet more and made much of them, entertaining them with banquets andotherwhat, for fear lest they should publish his shame. Thus, then, asyou have heard, is sense taught to whoso hath learned no great storethereof at Bologna."