‘You may be quite confident,’ said Basil with dignity, ‘that in all your dealings with His Majesty you will encounter nothing but the highest generosity and integrity. However, I will institute inquiries on your behalf.’
‘No offence meant, I’m sure,’ said Mr Jagger.
Basil watched him across the yard and then snatched up his topee from a fossilized tree-fern. ‘What’s that black lunatic been up to this time?’ he asked, starting off towards the Palace.
‘Oh, Mr Seal, you’ll get into trouble one day with the things you say.’
The Emperor rose ‘to greet him with the utmost cordiality. ‘Come in, come in. I’m very glad you’ve come. I’m in some perplexity about Nacktkultur. Here have I spent four weeks trying to enforce the edict prescribing trousers for the official classes, and now I read that it is more modern not to wear any at all.’
‘Seth, what’s the Imperial Bank of Azania?’
The Emperor looked embarrassed.
‘I thought you might ask … Well, actually it is not quite a bank at all. It is a little thing I did myself. I will show you.’
He led Basil to a high cupboard which occupied half the wall on one side of the library, and opening it showed him a dozen or so shelves stacked with what might have been packets of writing paper.
‘What is that?’
‘Just under three million pounds,’ said the Emperor proudly. ‘A little surprise. I had them done in Europe.’
‘But you can’t possibly do this.’
‘Oh, yes, I assure you. It was easy. All these on this shelf are for a thousand pounds each, and now that the plates have been made, it is quite inexpensive to print as many more as we require. You see there were a great many things which needed doing and I had not a great many rupees. Don’t look angry, Seal. Look, I’ll give you some.’ He pressed a bundle of flyers into Basil’s hand. ‘And take some for Mr Youkoumian, too. Pretty fine picture of me, eh? I wondered about the hat. You will see that in the fifty-pound notes I wear a crown.’
For some minutes Basil attempted to remonstrate; then quite suddenly he abandoned the argument.
‘I knew you would understand, ‘ said the Emperor. ‘It is so simple. As soon as these are used up we will send for some more. And tomorrow you will explain to me about Nacktkultur, eh?’
Basil returned to his office very tired.
‘There’s only one thing to hope for now. That’s a fire in the Palace to get rid of the whole lot.’
‘We must change these quick,’ said Mr Youkoumian. ‘I know a damn fool Chinaman might do it. Anyway, the Ministry of Fine Arts can take one at par for the historical section.’
It was on that afternoon that Basil at last lost his confidence in the permanence of the One Year Plan.
Chapter Six
FROM DAME MILDRED PORCH TO HER HUSBAND
S.S. Le Président Carnot
Matodi
March 8th
My Dear Stanley,
I am writing this before disembarking. It will be posted at Marseilles and should reach you as nearly as I can calculate on 17th of the month. As I wrote to you from Durban, Sarah and I decided to break our return journey in Azania. The English boat did not stop here. So we had to change at Aden into this outward-bound French ship. Very dirty and unseamanlike. I have heard very disagreeable accounts of the hunting here. Apparently the natives dig deep pits into which the poor animals fall; they are often left in these traps for several days without food or water (imagine what that means in the heat of the jungle) and are then mercilessly butchered in cold blood. Of course the poor ignorant people know no better. But the young Emperor is by all accounts a comparatively enlightened and well-educated person and I am sure he will do all he can to introduce more humane methods if it is really necessary to kill these fine beasts at all — as I very much doubt. I expect to resume our journey in about a fortnight. I enclose cheque for another month’s household expenses. The coal bill seemed surprisingly heavy in your last accounts. I hope that you are not letting the servants become extravagant in my absence. There is no need for the dining-room fire to be lit before luncheon at this time of year.
Yours affec.
Mildred
March 8th
Disembarked Matodi 12.46. Quaint and smelly. Condition of mules and dogs appalling, also children. In spite of radio message British consul was not there to meet us. Quite civil native led us to his office. Tip five annas. Seemed satisfied. Consul not English at all. Some sort of Greek. Very unhelpful (probably drinks). Unable or unwilling to say when train starts for Debra Dowa, whether possible engage sleeper. Wired Legation. Went to Amurath Hotel. Positive pot-house. Men sitting about drinking all over terrace. Complained. Large bedroom overlooking harbour apparently clean. Sarah one of her headaches. Complained of her room over street. Told her very decent little room.
March 9th
No news of train. Sarah disagreeable about her room. Saw Roman Missionary. Unhelpful. Typical dago attitude towards animals. Later saw American Baptists. Middle-class and unhelpful because unable talk native languages. No answer Legation. Wired again.
March 10th
No news train. Wired Legation again. Unhelpful answer. Fed doggies in market-place. Children tried to take food from doggies. Greedy little wretches. Sarah still headache.
March 11th
Hotel manager suddenly announced train due to leave at noon. Apparently has been here all the time. Sarah very slow packing. Outrageous bill. Road to station blocked brown motor lorry. Natives living in it. Also two goats. Seemed well but cannot be healthy for them so near natives. Had to walk last quarter-mile. Afraid would miss train. Arrived with five minutes to spare. Got tickets, no sleepers. Just in time. V. hot and exhausted. Train did not start until three o’clock. Arrived dinnertime Lumo station where apparently we have to spend night. Shower bath and changed underclothes. Bed v. doubtful. Luckily remembered Keatings Durban. Interesting French hotel manager about local conditions. Apparently there was quite civil war last summer. How little the papers tell us. New Emperor v. goahead. English adviser named Seal. Any relation Cynthia Seal? Hotel man seemed to doubt government’s financial stability. Says natives are complete savages but no white slave traffic — or so he says.
March 12th
Awful night. Bitten all over. Bill outrageous. Thought manager decent person too. Explained provisions hard to get. Humbug. Train left at seven in morning. Sarah nearly missed it. Two natives in carriage. I must say quite civil but v. uncomfortable as no corridor and had left so early. Tiring journey. Country seemed dry. Due in Debra Dowa some time this afternoon. Must say shall be thankful.
Dame Mildred Porch and Miss Sarah Tin were in no way related to each other, but constant companionship and a similarity of interests had so characterized them that a stranger might easily have taken them to be sisters as they stepped from the train on to the platform at Debra Dowa. Dame Mildred was rather stout and Miss Tin rather spare. Each wore a khaki sun-hat in an oilcloth cover, each wore a serviceable washable frock, and thick shoes and stockings, each had smoked spectacles and a firm mouth. Each carried an attaché-case containing her most inalienable possessions — washing things and writing things, disinfectant and insecticide, books, passport, letters of credit — and held firmly to her burden in defiance of an eager succession of porters who attempted in turn to wrest it from her.
William pushed his way forward and greeted them amiably. ‘Dame Mildred Porch? Miss Tin? How are you? So glad you got here all right. I’m from the Legation. The Minister couldn’t come himself. He’s very busy just now, but he asked me to come along and see if you were all right. Any luggage? I’ve got a car outside and can run you up to the Hotel.’
‘Hotel? But I thought we should be expected at the Legation. I wired from Durban.’
‘Yes, the Minister asked me to explain. You see, we’re some way out of the town. No proper road. Awful business getting in and out. The Minister thought you’d be much more comfortable in the t
own itself. Nearer the animals and everything. But he particularly said he hoped you’d come over to tea one day if you ever have the time.’
Dame Mildred and Miss Tin exchanged that look of slighted citizenship which William had seen in the eyes of every visitor he had ever greeted at Debra Dowa. ‘I’ll tell you what,’ he said. ‘I’ll go and look for the luggage. I dare say it’s got stolen on the way. Often is, you know. And I’ll get our mail out at the same time. No King’s Messengers or anything here. If there’s no European travelling it’s put in charge of the guard. We thought of wiring to you to look after it and then we thought probably you had the devil of a lot of luggage yourselves.’
By the time that the two-seater car had been loaded with the Legation bags and the two ladies there was very little room heft for their luggage. ‘I say, d’you mind awfully,’ said William. ‘I’m afraid we’ll have to leave this trunk behind. The hotel’ll fetch it up for you in no time.’
‘Young man, did you come to meet us or your own mail?’
‘Now, you know,’ said William, ‘that simply isn’t a fair question. Off we go.’ And the overladen little car began jolting up the broad avenue into the town.
‘Is this where we are to stay?’ asked Miss Tin as they drew up opposite the Grand Café et Hotel Restaurant de l’Empereur Seth.
‘It doesn’t look terribly smart,’ admitted William, ‘but you’ll find it a mine of solid comfort.’
He led them into the murky interior, dispersing a turkey and her brood from the Reception Hall. ‘Anyone in?’ There was a bell on the counter which he rang.
“Ullo, ‘ said a voice from upstairs. ‘One minute,’ and presently Mr Youkoumian descended, buttoning up his trousers. ‘Why, it’s Mr Bland. ‘Ullo, sir, ‘ow are you? I ‘ad the Minister’s letter about the road this afternoon and the answer I am afraid is nothing doing. Very occupied, the Emperor …’
‘I’ve brought you two guests. They are English ladies of great importance. You are to make them comfortable.’
‘I fix them O.K.’ said Mr Youkoumian.
‘I’m sure you’ll find everything comfortable here,’ said William. ‘And I hope we shall ‘ see you soon at the Legation.’
‘One minute, young man, there are a number of things I want to know.’
‘I fix you O.K.,’ said Mr Youkoumian again.
‘Yes, you ask Mr Youkoumian here. He’ll tell you every-thing far better than I could. Can’t keep them waiting for the mail, you know.’
‘Impudent young puppy,’ said Dame Mildred as the car drove away. ‘I’ll report him to the Foreign Office as soon as I get home. Stanley shall ask a question about him in the House.’
Mail day at the British Legation. Sir Samson and Lady Courteney, Prudence and William, Mm Legge and Mrs Legge, Mr and Mrs Anstruther, sitting round the fireplace opening the bags. Bills, provisions, family news, official dispatches, gramophone records, newspapers scattered on the carpet. Presently William said, ‘I say, d’you know who I ran into on the platform? Those two cruelty-to-animals women who kept telegraphing.’.
‘How very annoying. What have you done with them?’
‘I shot them into Youkoumian’s. They wanted to come and stay here.’
‘Heaven forbid. I do hope they won’t stay long. Ought we to ask them to tea or anything?’
‘Well, I did say that perhaps you’d like to see them some time.’
‘Hang it, William, that’s a bit thick.’
‘Oh, I don’t suppose they thought I meant it.’
‘I sincerely hope not.’
March 12th (continued)
Arrived Debra Dowa late in afternoon. Discourteous cub from Legation met us and left Sarah’s trunk at station. Brought us to frightful hotel. But Armenian proprietor v. obliging. Saved me visit to bank by changing money for us into local currency. Quaint bank-notes with portrait of Emperor in European evening dress. Mr Seal came in after dinner. He is Cynthia’s son. V. young and ill-looking. Offhand manner. V. tired, going to bed early.
That evening M. Ballon’s report included the entry. Two British ladies arrived, suspects. Met at station by Mr Bland. Proceeded Youkoumian’s.
‘They are being watched?’
‘Without respite.’
‘Their luggage?’
‘A trunk was heft at the station. It has been searched but nothing incriminating was found. Their papers are in two small bags which never leave their hands.’
‘Ah, they are old stagers. Sir Samson is calling out his last reserves.’
March 13th Sunday
No news Sarah’s trunk. Went to Anglican Cathedral but found it was being pulled down. Service in Bishop’s drawing-room. Poor congregation. V. silly sermon. Spoke to Bishop later about cruelty to animals. Unhelpful. Old humbug. Later went to write name in book at Palace. Sarah in bed. Town very crowded, apparently preparing for some local feast or carnival. Asked Bishop about it but he could not tell me. Seemed unaccountably embarrassed. Asked Mr Youkoumian. Either he cannot have understood my question or I cannot have understood what I thought him to say. Did not press point. He did not speak English at all well but is an obliging man.
March 14th
Hideous night. Mosquito in net and v. large brown bugs in bed. Up and dressed at dawn and went for long walk in hills. Met quaint caravan — drums, spears, etc. No news Sarah’s trunk.
Other people besides Dame Mildred were interested in the little cavalcade which had slipped unobtrusively out of the city at dawn that day. Unobtrusively, in this connection, is a relative term. A dozen running slaves had preceded the procession, followed by a train of pack mules; then ten couples of mounted spearmen, a platoon of uniformed Imperial Guardsmen and a mounted band, blowing down reed flutes eight feet long and beating hand drums of hide and wood. In the centre on a mule loaded with silver and velvet trappings, had ridden a stout figure, heavily muffled in silk shawls. It was the Earl of Ngumo travelling incognito on a mission of great delicacy.
‘Ngumo left town today. I wonder what he’s after.’
‘I think the Earl’s pretty fed up, Mr Seal. I take his ‘ouse Saturday for the Museum. ‘E’s gone back to ‘is estates, I expect.’
‘Estates, nothing. He’s left five hundred men in camp behind him. Besides, he left on the Popo road. That’s not his way home.’
‘Oh gosh, Mr Seal, I ‘ope there ain’t going to be no bust-up.’
Only three people in Debra Dowa knew the reason for the Earl’s departure. They were M. Ballon, General Connolly and the Nestorian Patriarch. They had dined together on Saturday night at the French Legation, and after dinner, when Mine Ballon and Black Bitch had withdrawn to the salon to discuss their hats and physical disorders, and the sweet champagne frothed in the shallow glasses, the Patriarch had with considerable solemnity revealed his carefully guarded secret of State.
‘It happened in the time of Gorgias, my predecessor, .of evil memory,’ said his Beatitude, ‘and the intelligence was delivered to me on my assumption of office, under a seal so holy that only extreme personal vexation induces me to break it. It concerns poor little Achon. I say “poor little” although he must now, if he survives at all, be a man at least ninety years of age, greatly my own senior. He, as you know, was the son of the Great Amurath and it is popularly supposed that a lioness devoured him while hunting with his sister’s husband, Seyid, in the Ngumo mountains. My Lords, nothing of the kind happened. By order of his sister and the Patriarch Gorgias the wretched boy was taken while under the influence of liquor to the monastery of St Mark the Evangelist and incarcerated there.’
‘But this is a matter of vital importance,’ cried M. Ballon. ‘Is the man still alive?’
‘Who can say? To tell you the truth I have not visited the Monastery of St Mark the Evangelist. The Abbot is inclined to the lamentable heresy that the souls in hell marry and beget hobgoblins. He is pertinacious in error. I sent the Bishop of Popo there to reason with him and they drove the good man out with stones.’
‘Would they accept an order of release over your signature?’
‘It is painful to me to admit it, but I am afraid they would not. It will be a question of hard cash or nothing.’
‘The Abbot may name his own price. I must have Achon here in the capital. Then we shall be ready to strike.’
The bottle circulated and before they left for the drawing-room M. Ballon reminded them of the gravity of the occasion. ‘Gentlemen. This is an important evening in the history of East Africa. The future of the country and perhaps our own lives depend on the maintenance of absolute secrecy in regard to the Earl of Ngumo’s expedition on Monday. All inside this room are sworn to inviolable silence.
As soon as his guests were gone he assembled his subordinates and explained the latest developments; before dawn the news was in Paris. On the way home in the car Connolly told Black Bitch about it. ‘But it’s supposed to be secret for a little, so keep your silly mouth shut, see.’
March 14th (continued)
As Keatings obviously deteriorated, went to store attached hotel to buy some more. Met native Duchess who spoke English. V. helpful re bugs. Went with her to her home where she gave me insecticide of her own preparation. Gave me tea and biscuits. V. interesting conversation. She told me that it has just been discovered that Emperor is not real heir to the throne. Elderly uncle in prison. They have gone to get him out. Most romantic, but hope new Emperor equally enlightened re animals.