“I’m fine.”
“He’s been losing his appetite a bit. And he seems a bit moody lately,” Erika chimed in.
“That’s perfectly normal with everything that’s going on,” Dr. Yang assured her.
“I’m not moody,” Kellan barked.
Erika frowned. “You snapped at me yesterday, Kellan.”
“You were taking my temperature at three in the morning while I was sleeping.”
“You looked cold,” she whispered.
“And how are you doing, Erika? I know we spoke about how you handle your stress by sometimes breaking things…”
“Yeah. But I’m doing much better.”
Kellan laughed.
“I’m sorry?” Erika cocked an eyebrow at my brother. “Is something funny?”
“We have seven new lamps in our closet because one broke. You’re losing your mind.”
Wow. That was harsh.
I watched the embarrassment turn Erika’s cheeks red as she studied her shoes.
Dr. Yang wrote something in his notebook before turning to me. “What about you, Logan? Do you think Erika is handling Kellan’s illness in the best way possible?”
Erika huffed. “Right. Because a drug addict gets to judge me.”
That was harsh, too.
I sat up in my seat, glancing over to both Kellan and Erika before I replied. They both looked so exhausted. The same way Ma had. Kellan was digging his fingers into the sides of his chair, while Erika was fighting off the temptation to cry.
I cleared my throat. “Do I think it’s weird that Erika has mini-breakdowns where she breaks and buys? Yes. Do I think she judges people for not being or thinking exactly like her? Absolutely.” I could feel the daggers Erika was sending my way with her eyes, but I continued speaking. “But she loves him. She cleans up after me. Yelling about it, but she does it. Because she’s trying her best to make him comfortable. She might not be handling it to your definition or Kellan’s, or mine. Maybe not even the best way possible. But she’s doing her best. She wakes up every morning and tries to do her best. I don’t know if I’ve ever done my best…” I glanced down at the band on my arm. “But I’m trying. For these two, I’m trying to do my best. Which is all anyone can really do. When I was at the rehab clinic in Iowa, they had these quotes in every room by Ram Dass. In the front lobby there was this quote on the wall that said, ‘We’re all just walking each other home.’ I never really understood the meaning until right now.
“Because at the end of the day, we’re all lost. We’re all cracked. We’re all scarred. We’re all broken. We’re all just trying to figure out this thing called life, you know? Sometimes it feels so lonely, but then you remember your core tribe. The people who sometimes hate you, but never stop loving you. The people who always show up, no matter how many times you’ve fucked up and pushed them away. That’s your tribe. These people, these struggles, this is my tribe. So yeah, we fall apart, but we’ll fall together. We’ll stand up—together. Then, at the end of all the bullshit, all of the tears, all of the hurt, we’ll take a few steps at a time. Then we’ll take a few deep breaths, and we’ll walk each other home.”
***
After Kellan’s appointment, he and Erika went home to get some rest, and I walked around town all day, until night came and I found myself standing in front of Red’s Piano Bar. On a chalkboard sitting outside of the bar, I saw Alyssa’s name as the performer of the night, and a wave of pride washed over me. She’s doing it. She’s doing what she loves.
I stood at the back of Red’s Piano Bar, hidden away from Alyssa’s line of sight. She sat at the piano, her fingers moving back and forth across the keys, filling the bar with a beautiful melody that too few people in the world would ever experience. I listened closely, song after song, remembering how amazingly talented Alyssa was.
When it came to her final song, she sat up at the microphone sitting beside her, and spoke gently. “I finish every show with this song, because it means so much to my heart. It holds a lot of my soul within the lyrics, and always reminds me of a time when I once loved a boy… And for a few breaths, a few whispers, and a few moments, I think he loved me, too. Here’s Sam Smith’s ‘Life Support.’”
My chest tightened, and I sat up straighter.
Her fingers danced across the keys and I watched her body move as if she was becoming a part of the piano. It was as if she was nothing more but a willing vessel of art. I couldn’t imagine how she could’ve become any more astonishing. I couldn’t grasp how she could’ve stunned me even more.
But then she parted her lips.
The lyrics flowed from her lips with such ease. Her eyes shut as she sang; she was losing herself in the words, in the sounds, in herself, in our memories.
It was an honor to witness such a moment. Tears fell from her closed eyes as her shoulders swayed back and forth to the rhythm and sounds she crafted. There was something different about the artists in the world. It almost seemed as if they felt things differently, deeper maybe. They saw the world in color, while many only saw the blacks and whites.
My life was black and white before Alyssa showed up in it.
My feet took me closer to the stage, and I stood in front of her, listening to the words that I used to whisper into her ear when we were young. She was so beautiful, so free, when she played her music. When she let go, it had a way of making everyone around her feel as if they were free, too. For a few moments as she sang, I was convinced that the chains of life were removed. I was free right alongside her.
I knew Lori was being a great friend, protecting Alyssa the way she did, but what she didn’t know is that for me, Alyssa was it. She was the girl in my heart. Even though such a big part of me tried to deny the feelings I held for her, another part of me was still desperate with the want, the need, the love that only she was able to create in my soul.
Alyssa finished her song, thanked her listeners, and then turned toward the audience. I hadn’t moved. Her beautiful eyes found my stare. She took a deep breath and shivered a bit when she released it. Her footsteps toward me were tentative. When we stood in front of each other, we kind of smiled, yet kind of frowned, too.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hey,” I replied.
We frowned and smiled.
“Can I walk you home?” I asked.
“Okay,” she replied.
When we stepped outside, it was still raining. Alyssa shared her polka dot umbrella with me the whole way to her house. “You were amazing up there, Alyssa. Better than I’ve ever heard you perform. Better than I ever heard anyone perform, actually.”
She didn’t reply, but her lips curved up.
Once we reached her porch, she opened her mouth to invite me in, and I shook my head. “I can’t anymore.”
The sting of disappointment hit her blue eyes. Then the embarrassment reddened her cheeks. “Oh, yeah. No big deal.” I could tell that I hurt her with my simple words.
I was so tired.
It had been such a long day.
A long life.
A long, tiring life.
“I relapsed, Alyssa.” I rubbed my fingers against my forehead.
Her eyes shot from embarrassment to worry. “What? What happened? How? With what?”
My voice lowered, and I shrugged. “With you.”
“What?”
“I came back, and my world was rocked again. I was back in my past, except this time it was worse because my brother was sick, and I went straight to my greatest high to help me forget for a while. I went to you. You’ve always been my safe haven, High. You’ve been my escape route from all of the crap that surrounded me. But it’s not fair to you, or to me. I want to get clean. I want to be able to stand up and not find the need to forget, which means I can’t relapse again, and we can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep sleeping together. But I need you.”
“Lo…”
“Wait. Let me get this out because it’s been spinning in my mind for so long no
w. I know I’m not the same boy I was back then, but parts of that guy still linger within me. And I know we said the sex wouldn’t mean anything, but I think we know that it meant everything, which is why we can’t do it anymore. But, I need you. I need you to be my friend. Everything in my life has been hard. Everything in life has made me hard. Except for you and Kellan.
“And I know it’s selfish of me to ask this of you right now. I know it’s selfish, because I need someone to hold me up while I try to hold my brother too, but I need you. I need you to be my friend again, but that’s it, because I can’t hurt you again. I can’t be with you, but I need you. I need you. We won’t talk about the past. We won’t worry about the future. But we’ll just be us, be friends. Here and now. If you’re okay with that? Because I miss laughing, and I always laughed with you. I miss talking, and I could always talk to you. I miss you. So, I was wondering, can we be friends again?”
She leaned against the doorframe, appearing deep in thought before a smile found her lips. “We never stopped being friends, Logan. We were just in a weird time out.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Alyssa
As tensions between Logan and I finally calmed down and we found our way to a new friendship, the rocky waters between Kellan and Erika began to build. Late one night, after a bad doctor’s appointment, the two came into the house fighting, as I sat on their couch, setting up Kellan’s medicine that Erika asked me to get from the pharmacy. I’d been staying at their place for a few days, just in order to help out with things. Plus, I was worried about Kellan more than I wanted to admit.
“You’re not listening!” Kellan shouted, straining his voice.
“No, I’m listening. What you’re saying is that you don’t want to marry me.”
“Of course I want to marry you, Erika. But it just doesn’t make sense now. If I died, you’d be left with all of the baggage. All of the bills, all of the…”
“I don’t care!”
“Well I do!”
“Why are you acting like this?” Erika flipped around to me. “Alyssa, can you tell Kellan how unreasonable he’s being?”
My lips parted and, before I could speak, Kellan said, “Don’t drag your sister into this!” I shut my mouth. I would’ve gone home, but they were standing right in the foyer blocking my path. So I sunk into the sofa, trying to become invisible.
She sighed heavily. “Let’s not talk about this right now. Let’s just calm down. Tomorrow is your chemo appointment, so we should rest before we go to that.”
“You’re not coming,” he said.
“What?”
“I said you’re not coming. You flunked your last exam. You haven’t been studying as much as you used to, and you can’t keep falling behind. I’ll have Logan come with me.”
“Why are you shutting me out?” Erika whipped around to me again. “Why is he shutting me out?!”
I opened my mouth, and once again, Kellan spoke before I could. “Stop bringing her into this! You aren’t coming to my chemotherapy appointment, all right?!”
“Why not?!”
“Because you’re smothering me!” he shouted, louder than I’ve ever heard him yell. “You are smothering me with questions, and packets, and pills, and your goddamn wedding planning and your goddamn lamps! I can’t breathe, Erika!” He swung his arms in irritation, knocking a lamp off of the side table. As it crashed, the room went silent. Kellan’s eyes grew heavy with guilt as tears began to fall down Erika’s face.
Kellan lowered his voice, stepping closer to my sister. “I’m sorry, I just—”
She shrugged. “I know.”
Suddenly Logan came crashing out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, dripping wet with water. His hair was dripping with some weird looking concoction that was slimy and green, and his eyes were wide in panic.
“What’s happening?!” he said, flustered, almost slipping on the water trail he created himself. He looked so serious, yet so ridiculous that the three of us couldn’t help but start hysterically laughing.
“What the heck is on your head?” I exclaimed.
He narrowed his eyes, confused by our laughter. “It’s the third Monday of the month. It’s an egg and avocado mask for deep conditioning.” We laughed harder, and the room which had previously been filled with anger and confusion was replaced with family and laughter.
“You know what we need?” Kellan said, lightly kissing Erika’s cheek.
“What’s that?”
“A music dance break.”
“What’s a music dance break?” Logan and I said in unison.
They both ignored us. “Kellan, no. It’s been a long day,” Erika disagreed. “And like you said, I need to study…”
“No. It’s happening. Music dance break.”
“But,’’ she groaned.
“I have cancer,” he said.
Her mouth dropped open and she smacked him in the arm. “Did you just play the cancer card on me?”
His smile grew. “I did.”
I waited to see Erika yell at him, to tell him how his words hurt her, but instead she smiled. They exchanged glances and looks that only they understood, and she nodded once. “Fine. One song. One, Kellan.”
I’d never seen him smile so big. “One song!”
“Our song,” she ordered.
He hurried out of the room, leaving a very confused me, and slimy Logan standing there. Then he came out with two conga drums, and two rain sticks, handing one to me, and the other to Logan.
“What’s going on?” Logan asked. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?”
Erika stared at Logan as if he was a complete baboon. She took the stick from his grasp, and turned it upside down, making the rain sound. She handed it back to him.
“Duh, Lo,” I mocked.
He flipped me off.
Butterflies formed.
That was nothing new.
Kellan sat in front of the conga drums and started playing them. It took me a second to pick up on the beat of the song, but when it clicked in my head, my heart melted for the type of love my sister and Kellan had. He was playing Ingrid Michaelson’s song, “The Way I Am.”
Their song.
Kellan sang the first verse to Erika as she smiled, swaying back and forth. Logan and I added in the rain sticks, and both began to dance with Erika, as Kellan pounded against the congas.
Erika sang the second verse, and the love between her and Kellan filled the house with light as the words of the song fell from her tongue. Words about loving one another no matter the pain, words about being there for each other even when walking through the flames of life.
It was beautiful.
When we reached the long musical moment with no lyrics, Logan took both Erika’s and my hands, and spun us around, still wearing his towel, still with green goop dripping off his hair. Then, the room grew quiet when Erika began to sing the final verse—the verse that made tears fill everyone’s eyes. She sang the words about loving him when he lost all his hair, as she ran her fingers through his locks, leaning her forehead against Kellan’s lips. He kissed her gently, and they finished singing the lyrics together, as one.
The last noise heard was Logan’s rain stick dying down.
“Wow,” he said, wrapping his hand over his mouth, staring at his brother and Erika. “You two are fucking perfect.”
Erika laughed lightly before looking at Kellan. “I don’t want to marry you.”
He sighed. “Yes you do.”
“No. Well, yeah, I do. But not until you’re better. Not until you’re healthy. We’ll wait. We’ll kick cancer’s ass. Then you’ll marry my ass.”
He pulled her close to him, kissing her hard. “I’m going to marry the hell out of you.”
“Heck yeah you are.”
“Oh my God. Get a room,” Logan moaned, rolling his eyes. “I’m going to go wash this crap out of my hair.”
“Speaking of…” Kellan cleared his throat and narrowed his
eyes. “Do you guys think you could do something for me?”
***
Logan shook his head back and forth with disgust. “This is a terrible idea.”
“For the first time ever, Logan and I agree on something,” Erika said, tossing her hands up in shock.
“I say just go for it.” The four of us were scrunched in the bathroom, a pair of hair clippers in my hand.
“Thank you, Alyssa! Finally, someone on my side. Besides, babe,” Kellan turned to Erika with a big grin. “A ton of people are shaving their heads now.”
“Well, he’s not wrong there,” Logan agreed. “It’s kind of what people do in Hollywood. Shaved heads is the new trend.”
“Then you shave yours,” Erika challenged, taking the clippers from my grasp, then holding them out to Logan.
His eyes widened with horror, and he held a finger up to her. “You watch your language.”
“But Logan’s right. A ton of celebrities have shaved their heads for roles,” Kellan tried explaining to his panicked fiancée.
“Name some.”
“Bryan Cranston!” I said. “For Breaking Bad.”
“Joseph Gordon-Levitt did in 50/50!” Logan tossed in.
“I’m sorry, can we not name actors who were playing terminally-ill patients when they shaved their heads?” Erika requested. Fair enough.
“The Rock!”
“Hugh Jackman!”
“Matt Damon!”
“Jake Gyllenhaal—twice,” Logan exclaimed.
“Really?” Kellan asked. “Twice?”
“Jarhead and End of Watch.”
“Bad ass,” Kellan nodded, holding out his fist, which Logan fist bumped.
“Total bad ass.”
What losers.
“You guys.” I stood up straight and turned on the clippers. “It is time.”
Erika held her breath and covered her eyes. “Okay. Do it!”
“Do it!” Kellan exclaimed.
“Do it! Do it!” Logan chanted.
So I did it.
Chapter Thirty-Five