“I can’t leave. I can’t,” Sadie said, her eyes tearing up.
“Why not?”
“I’m pregnant,” she whispered. “I’m pregnant and I have nowhere and no one to run to. He pulled me away from my family. He destroyed all of my relationships. And now he’s all that I have.”
“Sadie, listen to me. For your kid, the best thing you can ever do is get on a bus and never look back. You don’t want to have a child with that man. I’ve been that child. Trust me, it doesn’t turn out well.”
She looked down, shaking slightly. “Okay,” she whispered. Alyssa appeared confused, but scribbled her number onto a napkin. “If you need anything you can call me, or Logan. I put both of our numbers down.”
Sadie wiped the tears from her eyes. “Why are you being so nice? You both hardly even know me.”
“What? Of course I know you. You taught me Spanish,” I joked, trying to break up the tension. She gave me a small smile and collected the money. “Go out the back door in the kitchen. I can take you if you want.”
I stood up, took her hand, and started walking her to the back. We almost made it until I felt her being yanked away from me.
“What the hell does ‘don’t move’ mean to you, woman?” Dad hissed toward her. His arm wrapped around her waist, and he squeezed her so tight that I saw the pained expression hit her eyes. “Time to go.”
Sadie looked at me with pleading eyes, and I stepped forward. “I don’t think she wants to go.”
“Excuse me?” he asked. He ran his fingers in Sadie’s hair and pulled her even closer, tighter. “You don’t want to go with me?”
She didn’t say anything. Dad continued. “I do so much for you, Sadie, and this is how you repay me? I love you. Don’t you know that?” He bent down and kissed her, the same way he used to kiss Mom when he fed her his lies of control. She kissed him back, too, just like Mom used to kiss him. I knew right then that Sadie wasn’t going to leave. She was too far tangled into his web.
“We’ll catch up later, Logan,” he said to me. It sounded more like a threat than a happy get-together.
I wasn’t shocked, though. My father knew nothing about happiness, but he was a professional at disasters.
When they left, I felt disgusted. I remained silent, snapping the band on my wrist. Alyssa walked over to me. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head.
“We can go outside for air if you want.”
“Yeah, okay.” I needed more than air, though. I needed my father to disappear, allowing everyone who ever crossed his path to finally be freed from his chains.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Alyssa
As Logan and I walked outside, he clenched his fists, reddening from the annoyance of his father. I didn’t know the history that Logan and Sadie had, but I knew he was afraid for her wellbeing, as he should’ve been. Being around Logan’s father was terrifying. I couldn’t imagine being Sadie, unable to escape his chains.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Just need a moment.” He placed his hands behind his neck and started pacing around the parking lot. There were cars parked on the large plot, and people were outside in the nice weather, socializing and laughing, while Logan was doing the complete opposite. He was dealing with those demons that liked to haunt him. He deserved a break.
I leaned against the side of the building, waiting for him to calm down. He kicked the tall strands of grass with his shoes, back and forth.
“Are you thinking about using?” I asked.
“Yup,” he muttered, shutting his eyes and walking in circles.
Poor guy.
“You know what would make this moment better?” I asked, placing my hands on my hips as my left foot rested against the side of the building.
“What’s that?”
“You know what we should do to really make you feel better?”
“Uh, no. But I’m guessing you have an idea?”
“Oh do I ever!” I locked eyes with him. “Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“No, I mean, are you really, really listening?”
He laughed. Good. I was so happy he was laughing. I laughed, too, because he was so handsome. I laughed because he was my friend again. I laughed because my heart knew that would’ve never been good enough for me.
“Yes, I’m listening.”
I stood up tall, pushed out my chest, and said, “Karaoke.”
“Oh God, no.”
“What? Come on! Don’t you remember when we went out for karaoke when we were younger?! And you did Michael Jackson’s Billy Jean with all the pelvis humping and all?” I reenacted his hip movements from the past.
He snickered. “Yeah. I also remember being coked up when I did the pelvis humping.”
My face dropped in shock. “What? You were high when you did that?”
“Yeah, otherwise I would’ve never agreed to doing karaoke, trust me.”
“Oh. I just thought you were excited about their Michael Jackson and Justin Bieber collection. Anyway. Today, we are going to do karaoke at O’Reilly’s Bar.”
“No way.”
I nodded taking his hands into mine. “Yes way.”
“Alyssa. I appreciate that you’re trying to make me feel better and stuff, but seriously, you don’t have to. I’m better now. You made me better. Plus, there’s no way in hell I’d ever do karaoke again.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Logan
I was doing karaoke again.
Somehow Alyssa managed to pull me on stage in O’Reilly’s Bar, and put a microphone in my hand. She promised we’d do a duet so I wouldn’t be performing on my own, but still I could feel the nerves in the pit of my stomach. She picked the song, “Love The Way You Lie,” by Rihanna and Eminem.
“You know the words?” she asked me. “I sing it all the time when I’m driving in my car, so I know the lyrics by heart.”
“I can follow along on the screen.”
She smiled wide. I smiled wider.
My greatest High.
When the music started playing and the first lyrics started coming on the screen, no sound came from either Alyssa or myself. The people in the bar started shouting at us to sing, but neither one of us were.
The DJ turned off the track and gestured toward us. “Um, you do know that you have to open your mouth to sing, right?”
I looked at Alyssa with confusion. “Why weren’t you singing? It said it was Rihanna’s part.”
“Oh. I don’t sing her part. I like Eminem’s rapping parts.”
“What?” I hissed, stepping closer to her. “I’m not singing Rihanna’s part.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not a chick.”
“But you have that beautiful high-pitched voice, Lo. I think you’ll make a beautiful Rihanna,” she mocked.
“I’m hitting replay one time, folks. It’s now or never,” the DJ said.
“I’m not doing this, High,” I said as we stood nose to nose, with our chest out.
“Oh, you’re doing it.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
I shook my head. “No.”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“Alyssa.”
“Logan.”
“High.”
“Lo.”
The intro music started and I kept shaking my head left and right, telling her there was no way I was going to do it, but when Rihanna’s part came on, the microphone rose to my lips and I began singing the female’s part of the song; high pitched, sounding like fucking hell.
Alyssa covered her mouth to keep her uncontrollable chuckles to herself. I gave her a look to kill before turning around to face the audience and fully embracing my feminine side. I thought I did pretty good. I thought I was the one to make our performance magic.
But then something happened.
Eminem’s verse came up, and Alyssa transformed into something I’ve never seen before. She stole the DJ’s b
aseball cap, tossed it on her head backwards, and started marching back and forth on the stage, getting the audience involved in the performance, making them wave their hands back and forth as she rapped.
Alyssa Marie Walters was rapping to Eminem. And she was fucking incredible. She put her all into it, hand gestures, facial expressions, giving it everything she had. She was so wild and beautiful in that moment. Free.
When the chorus came up, she looked at me, and I started singing again, high-pitched and terrible.
Then, she rapped again, nailing every word.
When it came to the last verse, the hardest verse she had to rap, she took a deep breath. She locked eyes with me, and before she started, her shirt collar rested between her lips. She nodded once. I nodded once. She dropped the collar, and started rapping the final verse directly to me.
And it was fucking sexy.
Her body swayed back and forth, she became the words and the words soaked her in, and once she finished, she dropped the microphone, the crowd went wild, and I sang the final Rihanna chorus to her.
When we finished, we couldn’t stop laughing. We wrapped each other into a tight hug, as the people in the audience cheered us on, begging for an encore.
We performed five more songs before we retired to a booth in the back of the bar for a few celebratory drinks.
We stayed most of the night, chatting about anything and everything. We laughed more than we had in a long time. For a while, it felt like it used to.
Her laughs became my inhales. Her smiles were my heartbeats.
I watched her mouth move as she told a long story about something or another. Truth was, I stopped listening. I stopped listening a long time ago, because my mind was somewhere else.
I wanted to tell her how I felt about her, all over again. I wanted to tell her how I was falling for her once more. I wanted to tell her how I still loved her wild hair, and still loved her mouth that was always chattering about something or another.
I wanted to…
“Logan,” she whispered, frozen in the booth. My hands had somehow landed against her lower back and I guided her closer to me. My lips hovered inches away from her mouth. Her heavy exhales were mixing with my deep inhales, as both of our bodies shook in each other’s hold. “What are you doing?”
What was I doing? Why were our lips so close? Why were our bodies pressed against each other? Why couldn’t I break my stare? Why was I falling in love with my best friend all over again?
“Truth or lie?” I asked.
“Lie.”
“I’m not addicted to your smile. Your eyes don’t make my heart race. Your laughter doesn’t give me chills. Your peach shampoo doesn’t drive me crazy, and when you chew on your shirt collar I don’t fall deeper in love with you. Because I’m not. I’m not in love with you.”
Her inhales grew deeper and her exhales were heavy. “And the truth?”
“The truth is I want you. I want you back in my life, in all ways and more. I can’t stop thinking about you, High. Not to escape reality, but to embrace it. You’re my heart. You’re my soul. I want you. All of you. And more than anything right now, I want to kiss you.”
“Lo…” Her voice was shaky. “You’re still the first person I think of when I wake up. You’re still the one that I miss when you’re not beside me. You’re still the only thing that ever felt right to me. And if I were honest, I’d say that I want you to kiss me. I’ve wanted you to kiss me all my life.”
I locked my fingers with hers.
“Nervous?” I asked.
“Nervous,” she replied.
I shrugged.
She shrugged.
I laughed.
She laughed.
I parted my lips.
She parted her lips.
I leaned in.
She leaned in.
And I was reminded of the yesterdays that set my world on fire. We kissed for a long time in that booth, making up for all of the mistakes of our past and forgiving one another for all of the mistakes of our future.
It was beautiful. It was right. It was ours.
But of course with all the highs, always came the lows.
Alyssa’s phone rang, and we pulled away from one another. When she answered, I could tell something was wrong. “What’s up, Erika?”
Pause.
“Is he okay?”
My gut tightened as I sat up straight.
“We’ll be there soon. Okay. Bye.”
“What is it?” I asked as she hung up.
“It’s Kellan. He’s in the hospital. We have to go. Now.”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Logan
“What happened?” I asked, rushing into Kellan’s hospital room. Kellan was lying in his bed, IVs hooked up to his arms. “Kel, are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I don’t know why she called you guys. There’s nothing wrong.”
“He was walking to the bathroom and he passed out in the hallway,” Erika said, sitting in a chair, rocking back and forth slightly, with her hands tucked under her thighs.
“I came to, right away,” he argued. “I’m fine.”
“Kellan, you couldn’t walk, and you forgot my name.”
Kellan opened his mouth to speak, but a sigh left him instead. He closed his eyes. He was tired. Breaking down more and more each day, and I couldn’t help but wonder when the chemotherapy would start fixing him. It seemed as if it was only breaking him down.
Erika stood up, taking Alyssa and me to the side of the room to talk while Kellan fell asleep. She wrapped her arms around her body, and leaned against the closest wall. “The doctors are running a few more tests. He’s just so tired and weak. The nurse said they can send us home with a wheelchair and it might help him get around, but he said he didn’t want it. He’s being so prideful. But, he needs…” She wiped her hands over her eyes, before resting them on top of her head. “We just need to help him. He’s not the type to ever say he needs help. He’s always been the one who helped others. But he needs our help. Even if he tries to push us away.”
“Anything you need, I’m there,” I said. “Anything he needs.” Erika gave me a tight smile. Her eyes were heavy, too. Sleep deprived. I was almost certain whenever Kellan closed his eyes at night, hers stayed wide awake. “You need help too, Erika. You don’t have to do everything. That’s why I’m here.”
“It’s just,” her voice trembled as she glanced back to Kellan. “It’s just time to start realizing that things are going to get a whole lot worse before they get better. That scares me. I’m terrified. Logan, if anything happens… If anything happens to him…” She began to cry, and I pulled her out of the hospital room, into the hallway, and wrapped her into a tight hug. “I can’t lose him. I can’t.”
I’d never seen Erika fall apart. She was always the one who had everything together. To see her so destroyed spoke volumes of how serious the current situation was becoming.
When she pulled herself together, she took a step back and wiped away her tears. “I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m good,” she said, reassuring herself as much as us. “They are going to keep him overnight. I’ll stay here with him.”
“I can stay,” I offered. “I know you have your finals coming up.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m okay. I’m good.”
“Sis,” Alyssa whispered, wiping away the tears from her sister’s eyes.
“I’m okay. Really. You two get home. I’ll text you if anything changes.”
I glanced toward the hospital room. “Can I just sit with him for a second?”
She nodded. “Yeah. Definitely. Alyssa, want to come with me to find coffee?”
The two wandered off, and I went into the room and pulled a chair up beside Kellan’s bed. The machines around him kept beeping and humming as I watched his chest rise and fall. Even breathing looked hard for him lately.
“Are you sleeping?” I whispered.
“No,” he replied. “Just sleepy.”
I pushed my
thumbs against my eyes to hold back the emotion. “What the hell are you doing in here, Kel? It was my job to end up in places like this, remember? Not yours.”
He gave me a weak smile. “I know, right?”
“You okay?”
One deep inhale. One coughing exhale. “Yeah. I’m okay.” He tilted his head in my direction, and his always kind eyes gave me a slight grin. “I’m killing her,” he whispered, speaking of Erika.
“What? No.”
He turned away, trying to hide the tears falling against his cheeks. “I am. Watching me die is killing her.”
“You’re not dying, Kellan.”
He didn’t reply.
“Hey! Did you hear me? I said, you’re not dying. Say it.”
He looked to the ceiling, then closed his eyes. The tears were still falling down his cheeks. “I’m not dying.”
“Again.”
“I’m not dying.”
“One more time, big brother.”
“I’m not dying!”
“Good. And don’t you fucking forget it. Everyone’s okay. We’re all going to get through this together.” I took his hand into mine and squeezed it lightly, trying to give him some comfort.
“Everything’s okay. You’re right. Sorry, I’m just—”
“Tired?”
“Tired.”
I stayed with him longer than I thought I would. Erika came back to the room, but I asked if I could be the one to stay with Kellan that night. She agreed, and Alyssa decided to stay with her, making sure she wasn’t alone.
I didn’t sleep that night. I stayed up, watching the machines and my brother’s breathing.
When morning came and he opened his eyes, he gave me a halfway grin.
“Go home,” he said.
“No.”
“Go. Go live your life, Logan. Don’t you have someone to be falling in love with?” He asked.
“What do you think I’m doing right now?” I replied as I laid my head on the bed. He smiled my way and shrugged his right shoulder. I smiled his way, and shrugged my left.
***
I wished I could say things with Kellan were getting better, but it appeared that they were only growing tougher. If he wasn’t in the hospital, he spent most of his time in bed. The once-smiling brother of mine was slowly turning into someone who showed hardly any emotion. The gentle Kellan snapped more and more at Erika for anything she did, which made her even more nervous.