My hands wrapped tighter around her back as she kissed me. She kissed me harder and harder each passing second, almost as if she was trying to decide if this was real or not.
Was it real?
Maybe my twisted mind was making up fantasies as we stood against one another. Maybe in reality, I was merely dreaming. Maybe Alyssa Walters never even existed; maybe she was just someone I made up in my head to get me through my shitty days.
But if that was true, why did it feel so real?
We pulled our lips away from one another for a split second. Our eyes locked, and we stared, as if we were both wondering if we could keep the dream alive, or if we should quit before we ruined the small, safe haven of our friendship.
Her face inched closer to mine as she ran her shaking hands through my hair. “Please,” she whispered into me. My lips grazed across hers, and her eyes faded shut before our mouths crashed together. Alyssa’s hands pulled me closer to her. She leaned in more and slid her tongue between my lips. I kissed her back harder than she kissed me. We fell against the closest building, and I lifted her up against the chilled stones. I wanted her more than she could’ve ever wanted me. Our kisses deepened, our tongues meeting each other as my mind made fake promises of allowing me to feel Alyssa against me forever.
I wasn’t making this up—her lips, the same lips I’d imagined against mine for so long, the same lips that always made smiles which brightened my days, they were kissing me.
I kissed my best friend, and she kissed me back.
She kissed me like she meant it, and I kissed her like she meant the world.
She is.
She is my world.
When we stopped kissing, both of our breaths were heavy. I lowered her feet back down to the ground.
She stepped backwards.
I did the same. Our bodies both trembled, as we stood unsure what to do next.
I shrugged.
She shrugged.
I laughed.
She laughed.
I parted my lips.
She parted her lips.
I leaned in.
She leaned in.
Then we started all over again.
Chapter Eight
Alyssa
We were quiet.
There were only a few sounds in my bedroom that I chose to notice. The sound of the ceiling fan rotating round and round overhead, as we lie beside one another on my bed. There was the sound of the vinyl record playing on top of the dresser, a record that hiccupped every few seconds as if it was damaged—yet somehow it also sounded as if it were completely whole. An automatic air freshener sent off a hiss of rose scent every few minutes, the smells dancing across our noses. And last there were our small inhales and exhales.
My heart was pounding in such a violent way because it was scared, I was certain of that. Each day that we spent together, the more I started to fall for him. Tonight we kissed. We kissed for what felt like forever, but still not long enough.
And now, I was afraid.
His heart was as afraid as mine, I thought. It has to be.
“Lo?” I said, my throat dry, making my voice crack.
“Yes, High?” He started calling me High the moment we left the billboard—after he called me his greatest high.
I loved it more than he’d ever know.
I snuggled closer to him, falling into the curve of his side. He always made me feel as if he were my security blanket, the place that always wrapped me up when life grew a bit cold. He’d always held me, even when he himself felt so, so lost. “You’re going to break my heart, aren’t you?” I whispered against his ear.
He nodded, guilt in his eyes. “I might.”
“And then what will happen?”
He didn’t reply, but I saw it in his eyes—the fear that he might hurt me. He loved me. He never said the words, but it was there.
There was something to be said about the way Logan loved a person. It was quiet, almost secretive.
He was afraid of letting anyone know of his love, because if life had taught him anything, it was that love wasn’t a prize, it was a weapon. And he was so tired of being hurt.
If only he knew that his love was the only thing that kept my heart beating... Oh, how I wished he’d love me out loud.
We were quiet once more.
“High?” he whispered, inching a little closer.
“Yes?”
“I’m falling in love with you,” he softly spoke, his words a mirror to my mind.
My heart skipped.
I sensed the fear and the excitement in the tones of his voice. The fear was much stronger, but the undercurrent of bliss was still alive, too.
Nodding slowly, I reached for his hand, which he allowed me to hold. I held it tight, because I knew this was it. This was the moment that changed everything. The moment when we couldn’t go back. We’d been doing this now for a few months, having these feelings that we felt yet understood nothing about. Loving your best friend was weird. But somehow it was right. Before that night, he never came close to saying the word love to me. I wasn’t certain that there was space in Logan’s heart for such a feeling. Everything about his life existed in the realm of darkness. So for him to say those words meant more than anyone would ever understand.
“It scares you,” I said.
He held my hand tighter. “It scares me a lot.”
I used to wonder how one knew they were falling in love. What were the signs? The clues? Did it take time or was it one full sweep? Did a person wake one morning, drink their coffee, and then stare at the person sitting across from them and surrender completely to the free fall?
But now I knew. A person didn’t fall in love. They dissolved into it. One day you were ice, the next day, a puddle.
I wanted that to be the end of the conversation. I wanted to lean in, wrap my arms around him, lie back down, and fall asleep in the bed. My head would rest against his chest and he would lay his hands against my heart, feeling the beats that were made by his love. He would softly kiss my chin and tell me that I was perfect the way I was. He’d say that my quirks were what made me beautiful. He’d hold me as if he was holding himself, his touch filled with care and protection. I wanted to wake up feeling the warmth of this damaged boy beside me, the boy I was dissolving into.
Yet what one wanted wasn’t always what they received.
“I don’t know if this is a good idea,” he said. His words hurt me more than I’d ever show. “You’re my best friend, High.”
“You’re my best friend, Lo,” I replied.
“And I can’t lose that. I don’t have many people… I trust two people in my life; you and my brother. And I would fuck us up. I know I would. I can’t allow myself to do that. I’ll hurt you. I hurt and ruin everything.” He turned to me, and our foreheads pressed against one another. His eyes were dilated, and as my hand lay against his chest, I could feel how his words hurt him. He parted his mouth and moved in close, whispering against my lips. “I’m not good enough for you, High.”
Liar.
He was everything good in my life.
“We can do this, Logan.”
“But… I’ll hurt you. I don’t want to, but I will somehow.”
“Kiss me once,” I said, and he listened. His mouth found mine, and he kissed me slow, pulling away even slower. My body tingled as he ran his fingers through my curls. “Kiss me twice.” He listened once more, lifting himself slightly so he hovered over my body. Our eyes locked, and he stared at me, as if he were trying to promise me forever, even though we only had our now. The second kiss was harder, hotter, more real. “Kiss me three times.”
His lips traveled down to my neck, where he massaged me with his tongue, sucking it slowly, making me push my hips up in his direction.
“Logan, I…” My voice was shaky as we lay in the darkened room. “I’ve never…” My cheeks heated up, and I couldn’t say the words. But he already knew.
“I know.”
My sto
mach fluttered as I bit my lip. “I want you to be my first.”
“You’re nervous?”
“I’m nervous.”
He grimaced slightly. “If you don’t want to—”
“But I do.”
“You’re beautiful.” His fingers combed my hair behind my ear.
“Still a little nervous.”
“Do you trust me?” he asked. I nodded. “Okay. Close your eyes.” I did as he told me, my heart beating faster and faster each second. What was going to happen first? Would it hurt? Would he hate it? Would I cry?
Tears were already forming in the back of my eyes.
I’d cry.
His mouth kissed the edge of my lips. “You’re safe, High,” he promised me. His hands slowly started to lift my oversized pajama T-shirt, and my body stiffened up. “You’re safe,” he whispered against my earlobe, sucking it gently. “Do you trust me?” he asked once more. My body relaxed, and I began to cry, not because I was nervous anymore, but because I’d never felt so safe.
“I do. I trust you.”
Each time a tear fell, he kissed it away.
He lifted the shirt off of my body inch by inch, tossing it to the side of the room. His mouth started high, and he worked his way down. Licking my neck, sucking my chest, his tongue outlining the curve of my bra, kissing every inch of my bare skin. “Alyssa,” he whispered, before reaching the edge of my panties. My breaths were heavy, and my hips arched up, needing him to keep touching me. My hands fell against my chest, feeling the way he controlled my heartbeats.
His voice filled with concern. “Tell me to stop, okay? If you need me to stop—”
“No…Please…”
He edged my panties down my legs, and each inch they moved, the faster my heart raced. “Alyssa,” he said once more. He looked up to me, locking eyes with me for a split second before spreading my legs wide on the bed and allowing his head to lower. When his tongue found me, I gasped out from the bliss of it all. My fingers twisted the sheets into my palms, and his tongue slid in and out of me. My mind was spinning. My heart somehow found a way to both speed up and completely stop beating. It was as if every few seconds I’d die, and his lips, his tongue, his soul, resuscitated me. I’d never known something so simple could feel so…
Logan…
“Please…” I panted, twisting and turning as he slid two fingers inside of me, thrusting them in slow, and pulling them out slower. Then, they thrust harder, faster, deeper…
Lo…
I was seconds away from exploding as I twisted my hands in my sheets. I was seconds away from begging him to take me to the edge, and allow me to freefall. “I want you, Logan. Please.” My breaths sawed in and out, my body becoming accustomed to the pleasure he brought to me.
“Not yet,” he said, pulling away, removing his fingers from me.
Our eyes locked, and the way he looked at me made me feel as if I’d never be alone. “Alyssa,” he said. “I love you.” His voice was shaky, and his eyes watered up, yet the tears fell from my eyes.
You’re my best friend, Lo, I thought.
We were closer than I ever knew any people to ever be. He was a part of me in every way possible, our lives twining together as if we were one flame burning together in the dark of the night.
When he felt like crying, the tears always came from my eyes first.
When his heart wanted to break, mine shattered.
You’re my best friend.
He bent forward and kissed me. He kissed me with promises that we never made to one another. He kissed me with apologies for things he never did. He kissed me with all that he was, and I kissed him back with everything that existed within me.
He stood up and removed his pants and boxers, and even though I felt safe, the butterflies still formed in my gut. “You can change your mind, High,” he swore. “You can always change your mind.”
I held my hands out to him, and he took mine in his. He came back to me and climbed on top, widening my knees. When his hips brushed against my upper thigh, I let out a light moan, my legs tingling with desire, with fear, with passion, with love.
“I love you,” I whispered, making him pause. His lips parted but no words came out. He seemed surprised that someone could love him. “I love you,” I repeated, watching a softness come to his eyes. “I love you.”
“I love you,” he whispered, placing his lips against mine. Tears fell from his eyes and intermixed with my own. I knew how hard those words were for him. I knew how scared he was to expose himself like that. But I also knew how much I loved him.
“Tell me to stop if I hurt you,” he said. But I didn’t need to. The pain was there, but the want was more. He was my security blanket, my safe haven, my most beautiful Lo. He rocked his hips against mine, sliding himself deeper into me.
“I love you,” he whispered.
He thrust once.
“I love you…” he said once more.
Twice.
“I love you…” he murmured.
Three times.
“Logan…I… I’m going to…”
Once, twice, three times, four…
High.
Low.
Heaven.
Hell.
Him.
Me.
Us.
We released, shaking against one another, falling apart yet somehow becoming whole. Losing ourselves, but finding each other.
I loved him.
I loved him to my core, and he loved me back.
He kept his promise. He made me feel safe the whole time. He was the person I went to each and every time anything hurt or whenever I felt afraid.
Like home.
Logan was home to me.
“Alyssa, that was…” he sighed, lying beside me, out of breath. “Amazing.”
I grinned, turning my head away from him. My fingers wiped away the tears that still fell, and I tried my best to laugh away the feeling of bliss that held an ounce of worry. What would happen next? “If I had a dollar for every time I heard that.”
He narrowed his eyes, knowing that my joke was to hide my nerves, before pulling me closer to him. “Are you okay, High?”
“I’m okay.” I nodded, meeting his stare. He bent down and kissed the few tears away. “I’m better than okay.”
“I want this to be us. For always, I want this.”
“Me too. Me too.”
“For always, High?” he whispered.
“For always, Lo.”
He took a deep breath in, and his eyes smiled along with his lips. “I’m so happy right now.” Those were his last words of the night, and I thought they perfectly described my entire being that evening.
The ceiling fan rotated round and round overhead as we lay beside one another in my bed. The vinyl record played on top of the dresser, hiccupping every few seconds yet also sounding completely whole. The scent of rose refreshed every few minutes, and we inhaled and exhaled.
We were quiet.
Chapter Nine
Alyssa
Logan and I had officially been in love out loud for two months now. I didn’t know our friendship could grow stronger just by us falling in love, but somehow it did. He made me laugh on the sad days, which meant the world to me.
When you found someone who could make you laugh when your heart wanted to cry—hold onto them. They will be the ones who will change your life for the better.
I’d been planning out a lot of details, too. In three weeks, I was off to live on the campus of my college, but I planned out Logan’s visits. We’d stay just as close as we were now, and we’d fall more in love. He said he loved the idea, which was great, because I loved him to my core.
I’d been floating on a cloud for weeks now, and when I came home from work, Mom was there, ready to bring me back down to solid earth.
“Alyssa!” She called after me right as I walked into the house. I tossed my shoes in the foyer, paused, and picked them up, placing them in the front closet.
 
; “I already picked them up!” I hollered in her direction.
“That’s not what I was going to say,” she replied from her office. Walking toward the sound of her voice, I glanced into the room. Her eyes were glued to her computer, and a wine glass was in her hand. “I made a meatless meatloaf using protein powder and tofu. Toss that into the oven for me.”
That’s not a meatloaf, Mom. “Okay.”
“And your father wrote you a letter.”
My eyes widened, a burst of excitement hitting me. “What?”
“He wrote you a letter. It’s on the kitchen counter.”
Dad wrote me a letter today.
Dad wrote me a letter today!
My excitement built more and more as I raced to the kitchen, snatched the envelope which wasn’t sealed shut, and pulled out the paper.
Sweet Aly,
Already off to a promising start.
My eyes danced across the pages from the left to the right, taking in each word, each note, wanting nothing more than a line that mentioned how much he missed me, how much he loved me, how much he cared. There were so many words, so many pages. Pages filled front to back, pages filled with some words that were long, others so short. There were periods, question marks, and exclamations points.
He had wonderful handwriting that was sometimes hard to read.
My chest was on fire with each letter I came across, letters building words, words building sentences, sentences building apologies, apologies that felt fake because who could do this for real?
I won’t be around much.
I took a sharp breath, reaching the final paragraph.
My music is taking off. I’m the lead of this new band.
Another sharp breath.
Focused on my career…
My thumb fell between my lips. When I hit the final page of the letter, I set it down, staring at five pieces of paper completely filled with words front and back.
I won’t be around much, Sweet Aly. I hope you understand. Keep the music alive.
My father broke up with me through five pages of paper, and when the meatless meatloaf came that night, Mom said, “I told you so.”
I couldn’t eat. I spent most of the night in the bathroom, throwing up my insides. I couldn’t believe a person could do something so heartless. He wrote the words as if they actually made sense to him, too, which made me even sicker.