Meanwhile Ulenspiegel went wandering along the roads and pathways ofthe world, and one day he met a donkey on the highway, harnessed withleather and studs of brass, and its head ornamented with tassels andplumes of scarlet wool....
Some old women were standing round the donkey in a circle, all talkingat once and telling each other how that no one could tame the donkeyfor that he was a terrible animal and had belonged to the Baronof Raix, who was a magician and had been burned alive for havingsacrificed eight children to the devil. "And he ran away so fast,"said the old women, "that none could catch him. And without a doubthe is under the protection of Satan. For a while ago he seemed tired,resting by the wayside, and the village constables came to seizehim. But he suddenly kicked out with his hind legs and brayed in suchfearful fashion that they durst not to go near him. And that was nobray of an ass, but the bray of the devil himself. So the constablesleft him to browse among the thistles, and passed no sentence uponhim, nor did they burn him alive for a sorcerer as they should havedone. Verily these men have no courage."
Notwithstanding this brave talk, the donkey had only to prick up hisears or flick his sides with his tail, to send the women running awayfrom him with cries of terror. Then back they would come, chatteringand jabbering, but ever ready to be off again if the donkey showedthe least sign of movement. Ulenspiegel could not help laughing atthe sight,
"Ah!" said he, "talk and curiosity! They flow like an everlasting riverfrom the mouths of women--and especially old women, for with the youngthe flow is less continuous by reason of their amorous occupations."
Then, considering the donkey:
"This sorcerer-beast," said he to himself, "is a sprightly ass withouta doubt, and a good goer. What if I were to take him for my own,to ride, or maybe sell him?"
Without another word Ulenspiegel went and got a feed of oats, andreturning, offered them to the donkey. But while he was eating of thoseviands Ulenspiegel jumped nimbly upon his back, and taking the reins,turned him first to the north, then to the east, and lastly to thewest. Then, when he had gone from them a little way, he raised hishand as if in blessing on those aged dames. But they, almost faintingwith fear, fell upon their knees before him. And that evening whenthey met together again, the tale was told of how an angel with afelt hat trimmed with a pheasant's feather had come and blessed them,and had taken off the magician's donkey by special favour of God.
And Ulenspiegel, astride of his ass, went his way through the greenfields, where the horse pranced about at liberty, where the cows andheifers grazed at their ease or lay resting in the sunshine. And hecalled the ass Jef.
At last Jef came to a stop, and began, as happy as could be, tomake his dinner off the thistles which grew in that place in greatabundance. But anon he shivered all over, and flicked his sides withhis tail in the hope of ridding himself of the greedy horse-flies who,like himself, were trying to get their dinner, not off the thistles,but off his own flesh.
Ulenspiegel, who himself began to feel the pangs of hunger, grewvery melancholy.
"Happy indeed would you be, friend donkey, with your good dinner offine thistles if there was no one to disturb you in your pleasures,and to remind you that you also are mortal, born, that is to say,to the endurance of all kinds of villainies."
Thus did Ulenspiegel address his steed, and thus continued:
"For even as you have this gadfly of yours to worry you, so alsohath His Holiness the Pope a gadfly of his own, even master MartinLuther; and His Sacred Majesty the Emperor, hath he not my Lord ofFrance for his tormentor--Francis, first of that name, the King withthe very long nose and a sword that is longer still? And forsooth,donkey mine, it is certainly permitted that I also, poor little manwandering all alone, may have my gadfly too.
"Alas! Woe is me! All my pockets have holes in them, and by the saidapertures do all my fine ducats and florins and daelders ramble away,flying like a crowd of mice before the mouth of the cat that woulddevour them. I wonder why it is that money will have nothing to dowith me--me that am so fond of money? Verily Fortune is no woman,whatever they may say, for she loves none but greedy misers that shuther up in their coffers, tie her up in sacks, close her down undertwenty keys and never let her show herself at the window by so muchas the little tip of her gilded nose! This, then, is the gadfly thatpreys upon me and makes me itch, and tickles me without ever so muchas raising a laugh. But there, you are not listening to me at all,friend donkey! And you think of nothing but your food. You gobblinggobbler, your long ears are deaf to the cry of an empty stomach! Butyou shall listen to me. I insist!"
And he belaboured the ass as hard as he could, till the brute beganto bray.
"Come, come, now that you have given us a song!" cried Ulenspiegel. Butthe donkey would not advance by more than a single step, and seemeddetermined to go on eating thistles until he had consumed all thatgrew by the roadside. And of these there was an abundance.
When Ulenspiegel saw what was happening he dismounted and cut off abunch of thistles; then, mounting the ass again, he placed the bunchof thistles just in front of the animal's nose. And in this way,leading the donkey by the nose, he arrived before long in the landof the Landgrave of Hesse.
"Friend donkey," he said as they went along, "you, verily, go runningafter a bunch of thistles, the meagre fare with which I have providedyou; but you leave behind the lovely road that is filled with allkinds of most delicate herbs. And thus do all men, scenting out,some of them, the bouquet called Fame which Fortune puts under theirnose, others the bouquet of Gain, and yet others the bouquet that iscalled Love. But at the end of the journey they discover, like you,that they have been pursuing things that are of little account,and that they have left behind all that is worth anything--health,and work, repose, happiness, and home."
In such discourse with his donkey Ulenspiegel came at last to thepalace of the Landgrave.
There two Captains of Artillery were playing dice upon the steps ofthe palace, and one of them, a red-haired man of gigantic stature,soon noticed Ulenspiegel as he approached modestly upon his ass,gazing down upon them and their game.
"What do you want," said the Captain, "you, fellow, with your starvedpilgrim's face?"
"I am extremely hungry," answered Ulenspiegel, "and if I am a pilgrim,it is against my will."
"And you are hungry," replied the Captain, "go, eat the next gallowscord you come to, for such cords are prepared for vagabonds like you."
"Sir Captain," answered Ulenspiegel, "only give me the fine goldencord you wear on your hat, and I will go straightway and hang myselfby the teeth from that fat ham which I see hanging over there atthe cook-shop."
The Captain asked him where he came from. Ulenspiegel told him,"From Flanders."
"What do you want?"
"To show His Highness the Landgrave one of my pictures. For I ama painter."
"If it is a painter that you are," said the Captain, "and fromFlanders, come in, and I will lead you to my master."
When he had been brought before the Landgrave, Ulenspiegel salutedthrice and again.
"May your Highness deign," said he, "to excuse my presumption indaring to come and lay before these noble feet a picture I have madefor your Highness, wherein I have had the honour to portray Our Ladythe Virgin in her royal attire."
And then after a moment's pause:
"It may be that my picture may please your Highness," he continued,"and in that case I am sufficiently presumptuous to hope that Imight aspire even unto this fine chair of velvet, where sat in hislifetime the painter that is lately deceased and ever to be regrettedby your Magnanimity."
Now the picture which Ulenspiegel showed him was very beautiful,and when the Landgrave had inspected it, he told Ulenspiegel to sitdown upon the chair, for that he would certainly make him his CourtPainter. And the Landgrave kissed him on both cheeks, most joyously,and Ulenspiegel sat down on the chair.
"Of a truth you are a very talkative fellow," said the Landgrave,looking him up and down.
"M
ay it please your Lordship," answered Ulenspiegel, "Jef--mydonkey--has dined most excellently well on thistles, but as for meI have seen nothing but misery these three days past, and have hadnothing to nourish me but the mists of expectation."
"You shall soon have some better fare than that," answered theLandgrave. "But where is this donkey of yours?"
"I left him on the Grande Place," Ulenspiegel said, "opposite thepalace; and I should be most obliged if he could be given lodgingfor the night--some straw and a little fodder."
The Landgrave immediately gave instructions to one of his pages thatUlenspiegel's donkey should be treated even as his own.
The hour for supper soon arrived, and the meal was like a weddingfestival. Hot meats smoked in the dishes, wine flowed like water,while Ulenspiegel and the Landgrave grew both as red as burningcoals. Ulenspiegel also became very merry, but His Highness wassomewhat pensive even in his cups.
"Our painter," said he suddenly, "will have to paint our portrait. Forit is a great satisfaction to a mortal prince to bequeath to hisdescendants the memory of his countenance."
"Sir Landgrave," answered Ulenspiegel, "your will is mypleasure. Nevertheless, I cannot help feeling sorry at the thoughtthat if your Lordship is painted by himself he will feel lonely,perhaps, all there in solitary state through the ages to come. Surelyhe should be accompanied by his noble wife, Madame the Landgravine,by her lords and ladies, and by his captains and most warlike officersof State. In the midst of these, my Lord and his Lady will shine liketwin suns surrounded by lanterns."
"Well, painter mine, and how much shall I have to pay you for thismighty work?"
"One hundred florins, either now or later, just as you will."
"Here they are, in advance," said the Landgrave.
"Most compassionate master," said Ulenspiegel as he took the money,"you have filled my lamp with oil, and now it shall burn bright inyour honour."
On the next day Ulenspiegel asked the Landgrave to let him see thosepersons who were to have the honour of being painted. And first therecame before him the Duke of Lueneburg, commander of the infantry of theLandgrave. He was a stout man who carried with difficulty his greatpaunch swollen with food. He went up to Ulenspiegel and whispered inhis ear:
"When you paint my portrait see that you take off half my fat atleast. Else will I order my soldiers to have you hung."
The Duke passed on. And next there came a noble lady with a hump onher back and a bosom as flat as a sword-blade.
"Sir painter," said she, "unless you remove the hump on my back andgive me a couple of others in the place where they should be, verilyI will have you drawn and quartered as if you were a prisoner."
The lady went away, and now there appeared a young maid of honour,fair, fresh, and comely, only that she lacked three teeth under herupper lip.
"Sir painter," said she, "if you do not paint me smiling and showingthrough my parted lips a perfect set of teeth, I'll have you choppedup into small pieces at the hands of my gallant. There he is, lookat him."
And she pointed to that Captain of Artillery who a while ago had beenplaying dice on the palace steps. And she went her way.
The procession continued, until at last Ulenspiegel was left alonewith the Landgrave.
The Landgrave said to him:
"My friend, let me warn you that if your painting has the misfortuneto be inaccurate or false to all these various physiognomies by somuch as a single feature, I will have your throat cut as if you werea chicken."
"If I am to have my head cut off," thought Ulenspiegel, "if I am to bedrawn and quartered, chopped up into small pieces, and finally hung,I should do better to paint no portrait at all. I must consider whatis best to be done."
"And where is the hall," he asked the Landgrave, "which I am to adornwith all these likenesses!"
"Follow me," said the Landgrave. And he brought him to a large roomwith great bare walls.
"This is the hall," he said.
"I should be very grateful," said Ulenspiegel, "if some curtains couldbe hung right along the walls, so that my paintings may be protectedfrom the flies and the dust."
"Certainly," said the Landgrave.
When the curtains had been hung as directed, Ulenspiegel asked ifhe might have three apprentices to help him with the mixing of hiscolours.
This was done, and for thirty days Ulenspiegel and the apprenticesspent the whole of their time feasting and carousing together, withevery extravagance of meat and drink. And the Landgrave looked on atit all. But at last on the thirty-first day he came and thrust hisnose in at the door of the chamber where Ulenspiegel had begged himnot to enter.
"Well, Tyl," he said, "and where are the portraits?"
"They are not finished," answered Ulenspiegel.
"When shall I be able to see them?"
"Not just yet," said Ulenspiegel.
On the six-and-thirtieth day the Landgrave again thrust his noseinside the door.
"Well, Tyl," he inquired, "how now?"
"Ah, Sir Landgrave," said Ulenspiegel, "the portraits are getting on."
On the sixtieth day the Landgrave grew very angry, and coming rightinto the room:
"Show me the pictures at once!" he cried.
"I will do so," answered Ulenspiegel, "but pray have the kindnessnot to draw the curtain until you have summoned hither the lords andcaptains and ladies of your court."
"Very well," said the Landgrave, and at his command the aforesaidnotabilities appeared. Ulenspiegel took up his stand in front of thecurtain, which was still carefully drawn.
"My Lord Landgrave," he said, "and you, Madame the Landgravine,and you my Lord of Lueneburg, and you others, fine ladies and valiantcaptains, know that behind this curtain have I portrayed to the bestof my abilities your faces, every one warlike or gentle as the case maybe. It will be quite easy for each one of you to recognize himself. Andthat you are anxious to see yourselves is only natural. But I prayyou have patience and suffer me to speak a word or two before thecurtain is drawn. Know this, fair ladies and valiant captains; all youthat are of noble blood shall behold my paintings and rejoice. Butif there be among you any that is of low or humble birth, such anone will see nothing but a blank wall. So there! And now, have thegoodness to open wide your noble eyes."
And so saying, Ulenspiegel drew the curtain.
"Remember," said he again, "only they of noble birth can see mypictures, whether they be lords or ladies." And again, presently:"He of low birth is blind to my pictures But he who clearly sees,that man is a nobleman without a doubt."
At that every one present opened wide his eyes, pretending--you maybe sure--to see, and feigning to recognize the various faces andpointing themselves out to one another, though in reality they beheldnothing at all but a bare wall. And for this they were each and allsecretly ashamed.
Suddenly the court jester, who was standing by, jumped three feet inthe air and jaggled his bells.
"Take me for a villain," he cried, "a most villainous villain, butI verily will affirm and assert and say with trumpets and fanfaresthat there I see a wall, a blank, white wall, and nothing but a wall,so help me God and his saints!"
Ulenspiegel said:
"When fools 'gin talking, time for wise men to be walking."
And he was about to leave the palace when the Landgrave stopped him.
"Fool in your folly," said he, "you make boast that you go through theworld praising what is good and fair and making mock of foolery, andyou have dared to make open game of so many and so high-born ladies,and of their yet more noble lords, bringing ridicule on the prideof their nobility! Of a truth I tell you that the day will come whenyou will hang for your free speech."
"If the cord is of gold," said Ulenspiegel, "it will break with dreadat my approach."
"Stay," said the Landgrave. "Here is the first bit of your rope,"and he gave him fifteen florins.
"All thanks to you," said Ulenspiegel, "and I promise you that everytavern on the road shall have a thread of it, a thre
ad of that goldwhich makes Croesuses of all those rascally tavern-keepers."
And off he went on his donkey, holding his head up high in air,with the plume in his cap wagging joyously in the breeze.
XXXIV
Now was the season of yellowing leaves, and the winds of autumnwere beginning to blow. Sometimes for an hour or two it seemed thatKatheline was come into her right mind again, and at such timesClaes would say that the merciful spirit of God had come to visither. Then it was that she had power to throw a charm upon Nele, bysigns and incantations, so that the girl was able to see whatever washappening all over the world, in the public squares of the cities,or on the highways, or in the houses themselves.
To-day Katheline was in one of these moods of right-mindedness, andshe was eating olie-koekje with Claes, Soetkin, and Nele. Claes said:
"This is the day of His Majesty the Emperor's abdication. Nele,my dear, do you think you could see as far as Brussels in Brabant?"
"If Katheline wishes me to," said Nele.
Thereupon Katheline caused her to sit down on a bench, and makingsundry passes with her hands, she muttered her incantations, whichsoon sent the girl off into a trance.
Then Katheline said to her:
"Make your way into the little house which is called the Park House,and is the favourite residence of the Emperor Charles the Fifth."
Whereupon Nele began to speak, in a low voice, as though she werehalf suffocated.
"I am standing in a small room painted green. There is a man in theroom. He is about fifty-four years of age, and he has a bald head anda protruding chin with a white beard growing upon it. His grey eyeshave a wicked, crafty look, filled with cruelty and false kindness. Andthis is the man they call 'His Most Sacred Majesty.' He suffers froma catarrh and always keeps coughing. Beside him is another, a youngman with an ugly face like that of a hydrocephalous monkey. I saw himonce at Antwerp. He is King Philip. At the present moment he is beingrebuked by His Sacred Majesty for having slept out last night away fromhome. Doubtless, says His Majesty, he was at some brothel in companyof a trollop of the town. His hair, it seems, smells of the tavern,no place, that, for a King to seek his pleasures in, he who may havehis choice of all the sweetest bodies in the world, of skin likesatin fresh from perfumed baths, and of hands of high-born ladies,very amorous. Such as these, says His Majesty, are more fit for him,surely, than some half-mad wench that is come, scarcely washed, fromthe arms of a drunken soldier. For there is not one among all theladies, the most noble, the most beautiful, whether virgin, wife,or widow, that would resist King Philip! And they would be proud togive him of their love--not by a greasy glimmer of stinking tallow,but by the light of scented tapers made of finest wax.