KING PEST.
A Tale Containing an Allegory.
The gods do bear and will allow in kings The things which they abhor in rascal routes.
_Buckhurst’s Tragedy of Ferrex and Porrex._
ABOUT twelve o’clock, one night in the month of October, and during thechivalrous reign of the third Edward, two seamen belonging to the crewof the “Free and Easy,” a trading schooner plying between Sluys and theThames, and then at anchor in that river, were much astonished to findthemselves seated in the tap-room of an ale-house in the parish of St.Andrews, London--which ale-house bore for sign the portraiture of a“Jolly Tar.”
The room, although ill-contrived, smoke-blackened, low-pitched, and inevery other respect agreeing with the general character of such placesat the period--was, nevertheless, in the opinion of the grotesque groupsscattered here and there within it, sufficiently well adapted to itspurpose.
Of these groups our two seamen formed, I think, the most interesting, ifnot the most conspicuous.
The one who appeared to be the elder, and whom his companion addressedby the characteristic appellation of “Legs,” was at the same time muchthe taller of the two. He might have measured six feet and a half, andan habitual stoop in the shoulders seemed to have been the necessaryconsequence of an altitude so enormous.--Superfluities in height were,however, more than accounted for by deficiencies in other respects.He was exceedingly thin; and might, as his associates asserted, haveanswered, when drunk, for a pennant at the mast-head, or, when sober,have served for a jib-boom. But these jests, and others of a similarnature, had evidently produced, at no time, any effect upon thecachinnatory muscles of the tar. With high cheek-bones, a largehawk-nose, retreating chin, fallen under-jaw, and huge protruding whiteeyes, the expression of his countenance, although tinged with a speciesof dogged indifference to matters and things in general, was not theless utterly solemn and serious beyond all attempts at imitation ordescription.
The younger seaman was, in all outward appearance, the converse of hiscompanion. His stature could not have exceeded four feet. A pairof stumpy bow-legs supported his squat, unwieldy figure, while hisunusually short and thick arms, with no ordinary fists at theirextremities, swung off dangling from his sides like the fins of asea-turtle. Small eyes, of no particular color, twinkled far back in hishead. His nose remained buried in the mass of flesh which enveloped hisround, full, and purple face; and his thick upper-lip rested upon thestill thicker one beneath with an air of complacent self-satisfaction,much heightened by the owner’s habit of licking them at intervals.He evidently regarded his tall shipmate with a feeling half-wondrous,half-quizzical; and stared up occasionally in his face as the redsetting sun stares up at the crags of Ben Nevis.
Various and eventful, however, had been the peregrinations of the worthycouple in and about the different tap-houses of the neighbourhood duringthe earlier hours of the night. Funds even the most ample, are notalways everlasting: and it was with empty pockets our friends hadventured upon the present hostelrie.
At the precise period, then, when this history properly commences, Legs,and his fellow Hugh Tarpaulin, sat, each with both elbows resting uponthe large oaken table in the middle of the floor, and with a hand uponeither cheek. They were eyeing, from behind a huge flagon of unpaid-for“humming-stuff,” the portentous words, “No Chalk,” which to theirindignation and astonishment were scored over the doorway by means ofthat very mineral whose presence they purported to deny. Not that thegift of decyphering written characters--a gift among the commonaltyof that day considered little less cabalistical than the art ofinditing--could, in strict justice, have been laid to the charge ofeither disciple of the sea; but there was, to say the truth, a certaintwist in the formation of the letters--an indescribable lee-lurch aboutthe whole--which foreboded, in the opinion of both seamen, a long runof dirty weather; and determined them at once, in the allegorical wordsof Legs himself, to “pump ship, clew up all sail, and scud before thewind.”
Having accordingly disposed of what remained of the ale, and looped upthe points of their short doublets, they finally made a bolt for thestreet. Although Tarpaulin rolled twice into the fire-place, mistakingit for the door, yet their escape was at length happily effected--andhalf after twelve o’clock found our heroes ripe for mischief, andrunning for life down a dark alley in the direction of St. Andrew’sStair, hotly pursued by the landlady of the “Jolly Tar.”
At the epoch of this eventful tale, and periodically, for many yearsbefore and after, all England, but more especially the metropolis,resounded with the fearful cry of “Plague!” The city was in a greatmeasure depopulated--and in those horrible regions, in the vicinity ofthe Thames, where amid the dark, narrow, and filthy lanes and alleys,the Demon of Disease was supposed to have had his nativity, Awe, Terror,and Superstition were alone to be found stalking abroad.
By authority of the king such districts were placed under ban, and allpersons forbidden, under pain of death, to intrude upon their dismalsolitude. Yet neither the mandate of the monarch, nor the huge barrierserected at the entrances of the streets, nor the prospect of thatloathsome death which, with almost absolute certainty, overwhelmedthe wretch whom no peril could deter from the adventure, prevented theunfurnished and untenanted dwellings from being stripped, by the handof nightly rapine, of every article, such as iron, brass, or lead-work,which could in any manner be turned to a profitable account.
Above all, it was usually found, upon the annual winter opening of thebarriers, that locks, bolts, and secret cellars, had proved butslender protection to those rich stores of wines and liquors which, inconsideration of the risk and trouble of removal, many of the numerousdealers having shops in the neighbourhood had consented to trust, duringthe period of exile, to so insufficient a security.
But there were very few of the terror-stricken people who attributedthese doings to the agency of human hands. Pest-spirits, plague-goblins,and fever-demons, were the popular imps of mischief; and tales soblood-chilling were hourly told, that the whole mass of forbiddenbuildings was, at length, enveloped in terror as in a shroud, andthe plunderer himself was often scared away by the horrors his owndepreciations had created; leaving the entire vast circuit of prohibiteddistrict to gloom, silence, pestilence, and death.
It was by one of the terrific barriers already mentioned, and whichindicated the region beyond to be under the Pest-ban, that, inscrambling down an alley, Legs and the worthy Hugh Tarpaulin found theirprogress suddenly impeded. To return was out of the question, and notime was to be lost, as their pursuers were close upon their heels. Withthorough-bred seamen to clamber up the roughly fashioned plank-workwas a trifle; and, maddened with the twofold excitement of exerciseand liquor, they leaped unhesitatingly down within the enclosure, andholding on their drunken course with shouts and yellings, were soonbewildered in its noisome and intricate recesses.
Had they not, indeed, been intoxicated beyond moral sense, their reelingfootsteps must have been palsied by the horrors of their situation. Theair was cold and misty. The paving-stones, loosened from their beds, layin wild disorder amid the tall, rank grass, which sprang up around thefeet and ankles. Fallen houses choked up the streets. The most fetid andpoisonous smells everywhere prevailed;--and by the aid of that ghastlylight which, even at midnight, never fails to emanate from a vapory andpestilential atmosphere, might be discerned lying in the by-paths andalleys, or rotting in the windowless habitations, the carcass of manya nocturnal plunderer arrested by the hand of the plague in the veryperpetration of his robbery.
--But it lay not in the power of images, or sensations, or impedimentssuch as these, to stay the course of men who, naturally brave, and atthat time especially, brimful of courage and of “humming-stuff!” wouldhave reeled, as straight as their condition might have permitted,undauntedly into the very jaws of Death. Onward--still onward stalkedthe grim Legs, making the desolate solemnity echo and re-echo with yellslike the terrific war-whoop of the Indian: and onward, still onwardrolled the dumpy Tarpaulin, hanging on to the doublet of his more activecompanion, and far surpassing the latter’s most strenuous exertions inthe way of vocal music, by bull-roarings in basso, from the profundityof his stentorian lungs.
They had now evidently reached the strong hold of the pestilence. Theirway at every step or plunge grew more noisome and more horrible--thepaths more narrow and more intricate. Huge stones and beams fallingmomently from the decaying roofs above them, gave evidence, by theirsullen and heavy descent, of the vast height of the surrounding houses;and while actual exertion became necessary to force a passage throughfrequent heaps of rubbish, it was by no means seldom that the hand fellupon a skeleton or rested upon a more fleshly corpse.
Suddenly, as the seamen stumbled against the entrance of a tall andghastly-looking building, a yell more than usually shrill from thethroat of the excited Legs, was replied to from within, in a rapidsuccession of wild, laughter-like, and fiendish shrieks. Nothing dauntedat sounds which, of such a nature, at such a time, and in such a place,might have curdled the very blood in hearts less irrevocably on fire,the drunken couple rushed headlong against the door, burst it open, andstaggered into the midst of things with a volley of curses.
The room within which they found themselves proved to be the shop ofan undertaker; but an open trap-door, in a corner of the floor near theentrance, looked down upon a long range of wine-cellars, whose depthsthe occasional sound of bursting bottles proclaimed to be well storedwith their appropriate contents. In the middle of the room stood atable--in the centre of which again arose a huge tub of what appearedto be punch. Bottles of various wines and cordials, together withjugs, pitchers, and flagons of every shape and quality, were scatteredprofusely upon the board. Around it, upon coffin-tressels, was seated acompany of six. This company I will endeavor to delineate one by one.
Fronting the entrance, and elevated a little above his companions, sat apersonage who appeared to be the president of the table. His stature wasgaunt and tall, and Legs was confounded to behold in him a figuremore emaciated than himself. His face was as yellow as saffron--butno feature excepting one alone, was sufficiently marked to merit aparticular description. This one consisted in a forehead so unusuallyand hideously lofty, as to have the appearance of a bonnet or crownof flesh superadded upon the natural head. His mouth was puckered anddimpled into an expression of ghastly affability, and his eyes, asindeed the eyes of all at table, were glazed over with the fumesof intoxication. This gentleman was clothed from head to foot in arichly-embroidered black silk-velvet pall, wrapped negligently aroundhis form after the fashion of a Spanish cloak.--His head was stuck fullof sable hearse-plumes, which he nodded to and fro with a jaunty andknowing air; and, in his right hand, he held a huge human thigh-bone,with which he appeared to have been just knocking down some member ofthe company for a song.
Opposite him, and with her back to the door, was a lady of no whit theless extraordinary character. Although quite as tall as the person justdescribed, she had no right to complain of his unnatural emaciation. Shewas evidently in the last stage of a dropsy; and her figure resemblednearly that of the huge puncheon of October beer which stood, with thehead driven in, close by her side, in a corner of the chamber. Herface was exceedingly round, red, and full; and the same peculiarity, orrather want of peculiarity, attached itself to her countenance, which Ibefore mentioned in the case of the president--that is to say, only onefeature of her face was sufficiently distinguished to need a separatecharacterization: indeed the acute Tarpaulin immediately observed thatthe same remark might have applied to each individual person of theparty; every one of whom seemed to possess a monopoly of some particularportion of physiognomy. With the lady in question this portion provedto be the mouth. Commencing at the right ear, it swept with a terrificchasm to the left--the short pendants which she wore in either auriclecontinually bobbing into the aperture. She made, however, every exertionto keep her mouth closed and look dignified, in a dress consisting of anewly starched and ironed shroud coming up close under her chin, with acrimpled ruffle of cambric muslin.
At her right hand sat a diminutive young lady whom she appeared topatronise. This delicate little creature, in the trembling of her wastedfingers, in the livid hue of her lips, and in the slight hectic spotwhich tinged her otherwise leaden complexion, gave evident indicationsof a galloping consumption. An air of gave extreme haut ton, however,pervaded her whole appearance; she wore in a graceful and degage manner,a large and beautiful winding-sheet of the finest India lawn; her hairhung in ringlets over her neck; a soft smile played about her mouth; buther nose, extremely long, thin, sinuous, flexible and pimpled, hung downfar below her under lip, and in spite of the delicate manner in whichshe now and then moved it to one side or the other with her tongue, gaveto her countenance a somewhat equivocal expression.
Over against her, and upon the left of the dropsical lady, was seated alittle puffy, wheezing, and gouty old man, whose cheeks reposed upon theshoulders of their owner, like two huge bladders of Oporto wine. Withhis arms folded, and with one bandaged leg deposited upon the table,he seemed to think himself entitled to some consideration. He evidentlyprided himself much upon every inch of his personal appearance, but tookmore especial delight in calling attention to his gaudy-colored surtout.This, to say the truth, must have cost him no little money, and was madeto fit him exceedingly well--being fashioned from one of the curiouslyembroidered silken covers appertaining to those glorious escutcheonswhich, in England and elsewhere, are customarily hung up, in someconspicuous place, upon the dwellings of departed aristocracy.
Next to him, and at the right hand of the president, was a gentlemanin long white hose and cotton drawers. His frame shook, in a ridiculousmanner, with a fit of what Tarpaulin called “the horrors.” His jaws,which had been newly shaved, were tightly tied up by a bandage ofmuslin; and his arms being fastened in a similar way at the wrists,I prevented him from helping himself too freely to the liquors upon thetable; a precaution rendered necessary, in the opinion of Legs, bythe peculiarly sottish and wine-bibbing cast of his visage. A pair ofprodigious ears, nevertheless, which it was no doubt found impossibleto confine, towered away into the atmosphere of the apartment, and wereoccasionally pricked up in a spasm, at the sound of the drawing of acork.
Fronting him, sixthly and lastly, was situated a singularlystiff-looking personage, who, being afflicted with paralysis, must,to speak seriously, have felt very ill at ease in his unaccommodatinghabiliments. He was habited, somewhat uniquely, in a new and handsomemahogany coffin. Its top or head-piece pressed upon the skull of thewearer, and extended over it in the fashion of a hood, giving to theentire face an air of indescribable interest. Arm-holes had been cut inthe sides, for the sake not more of elegance than of convenience; butthe dress, nevertheless, prevented its proprietor from sitting as erectas his associates; and as he lay reclining against his tressel, at anangle of forty-five degrees, a pair of huge goggle eyes rolled up theirawful whites towards the ceiling in absolute amazement at their ownenormity.
Before each of the party lay a portion of a skull, which was used asa drinking cup. Overhead was suspended a human skeleton, by means of arope tied round one of the legs and fastened to a ring in the ceiling.The other limb, confined by no such fetter, stuck off from the body atright angles, causing the whole loose and rattling frame to dangle andtwirl about at the caprice of every occasional puff of wind which foundits way into the apartment. In the cranium of this hideous thing layquantity of ignited charcoal, which threw a fitful but vivid light overthe entire scene; while coffins, and other wares appertaining to theshop of an undertaker, were piled high up around the room, and againstthe windows, preventing any ray from escaping into the street.
At sight of this extraordinary assembly, and of their still moreextraordinary paraphernalia, our two seamen did not conduct themselveswith that degree of decorum which might have been expected. Legs,leaning against the wall near which he happened to be standing, droppedhis lower jaw still lower than usual, and spread open his eyes to theirfullest extent: while Hugh Tarpaulin, stooping down so as to bring hisnose upon a level with the table, and spreading out a palm upon eitherknee, burst into a long, loud, and obstreperous roar of very ill-timedand immoderate laughter.
Without, however, taking offence at behaviour so excessively rude, thetall president smiled very graciously upon the intruders--nodded to themin a dignified manner with his head of sable plumes--and, arising, tookeach by an arm, and led him to a seat which some others of the companyhad placed in the meantime for his accommodation. Legs to all thisoffered not the slightest resistance, but sat down as he was directed;while the gallant Hugh, removing his coffin tressel from its stationnear the head of the table, to the vicinity of the little consumptivelady in the winding sheet, plumped down by her side in high glee,and pouring out a skull of red wine, quaffed it to their betteracquaintance. But at this presumption the stiff gentleman in the coffinseemed exceedingly nettled; and serious consequences might have ensued,had not the president, rapping upon the table with his truncheon,diverted the attention of all present to the following speech:
“It becomes our duty upon the present happy occasion”--
“Avast there!” interrupted Legs, looking very serious, “avast there abit, I say, and tell us who the devil ye all are, and what business yehave here, rigged off like the foul fiends, and swilling the snug blueruin stowed away for the winter by my honest shipmate, Will Wimble theundertaker!”
At this unpardonable piece of ill-breeding, all the original companyhalf started to their feet, and uttered the same rapid succession ofwild fiendish shrieks which had before caught the attention of theseamen. The president, however, was the first to recover his composure,and at length, turning to Legs with great dignity, recommenced:
“Most willingly will we gratify any reasonable curiosity on the part ofguests so illustrious, unbidden though they be. Know then that in thesedominions I am monarch, and here rule with undivided empire under thetitle of ‘King Pest the First.’
“This apartment, which you no doubt profanely suppose to be the shop ofWill Wimble the undertaker--a man whom we know not, and whose plebeianappellation has never before this night thwarted our royal ears--thisapartment, I say, is the Dais-Chamber of our Palace, devoted to thecouncils of our kingdom, and to other sacred and lofty purposes.
“The noble lady who sits opposite is Queen Pest, our Serene Consort. Theother exalted personages whom you behold are all of our family, andwear the insignia of the blood royal under the respective titles of‘His Grace the Arch Duke Pest-Iferous’--‘His Grace the DukePest-Ilential’--‘His Grace the Duke Tem-Pest’--and ‘Her Serene Highnessthe Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.’
“As regards,” continued he, “your demand of the business upon which wesit here in council, we might be pardoned for replying that it concerns,and concerns alone, our own private and regal interest, and is in nomanner important to any other than ourself. But in consideration ofthose rights to which as guests and strangers you may feel yourselvesentitled, we will furthermore explain that we are here this night,prepared by deep research and accurate investigation, to examine,analyze, and thoroughly determine the indefinable spirit--theincomprehensible qualities and nature--of those inestimable treasures ofthe palate, the wines, ales, and liqueurs of this goodly metropolis: byso doing to advance not more our own designs than the true welfare ofthat unearthly sovereign whose reign is over us all, whose dominions areunlimited, and whose name is ‘Death’.”
“Whose name is Davy Jones!” ejaculated Tarpaulin, helping the lady byhis side to a skull of liqueur, and pouring out a second for himself.
“Profane varlet!” said the president, now turning his attention tothe worthy Hugh, “profane and execrable wretch!--we have said, that inconsideration of those rights which, even in thy filthy person, we feelno inclination to violate, we have condescended to make reply to thyrude and unseasonable inquiries. We nevertheless, for your unhallowedintrusion upon our councils, believe it our duty to mulct thee and thycompanion in each a gallon of Black Strap--having imbibed which to theprosperity of our kingdom--at a single draught--and upon your bendedknees--ye shall be forthwith free either to proceed upon your way, orremain and be admitted to the privileges of our table, according to yourrespective and individual pleasures.”
“It would be a matter of utter impossibility,” replied Legs, whom theassumptions and dignity of King Pest the First had evidently inspiredsome feelings of respect, and who arose and steadied himself by thetable as he spoke--“It would, please your majesty, be a matter of utterimpossibility to stow away in my hold even one-fourth part of the sameliquor which your majesty has just mentioned. To say nothing of thestuffs placed on board in the forenoon by way of ballast, and not tomention the various ales and liqueurs shipped this evening at differentsea-ports, I have, at present, a full cargo of ‘humming stuff’ taken inand duly paid for at the sign of the ‘Jolly Tar.’ You will, therefore,please your majesty, be so good as to take the will for the deed--for byno manner of means either can I or will I swallow another drop--leastof all a drop of that villainous bilge-water that answers to the hall of‘Black Strap.’”
“Belay that!” interrupted Tarpaulin, astonished not more at the lengthof his companion’s speech than at the nature of his refusal--“Belay thatyou tubber!--and I say, Legs, none of your palaver! My hull is stilllight, although I confess you yourself seem to be a little top-heavy;and as for the matter of your share of the cargo, why rather than raisea squall I would find stowageroom for it myself, but”--
“This proceeding,” interposed the president, “is by no means inaccordance with the terms of the mulct or sentence, which is in itsnature Median, and not to be altered or recalled. The conditions we haveimposed must be fulfilled to the letter, and that without a moment’shesitation--in failure of which fulfilment we decree that you do here betied neck and heels together, and duly drowned as rebels in yon hogsheadof October beer!”
“A sentence!--a sentence!--a righteous and just sentence!--a gloriousdecree!--a most worthy and upright, and holy condemnation!” shouted thePest family altogether. The king elevated his forehead into innumerablewrinkles; the gouty little old man puffed like a pair of bellows; thelady of the winding sheet waved her nose to and fro; the gentleman inthe cotton drawers pricked up his ears; she of the shroud gasped like adying fish; and he of the coffin looked stiff and rolled up his eyes.
“Ugh! ugh! ugh!” chuckled Tarpaulin without heeding the generalexcitation, “ugh! ugh! ugh!--ugh! ugh! ugh!--ugh! ugh! ugh!--I wassaying,” said he, “I was saying when Mr. King Pest poked in hismarlin-spike, that as for the matter of two or three gallons more orless of Black Strap, it was a trifle to a tight sea-boat like myself notoverstowed--but when it comes to drinking the health of the Devil (whomGod assoilzie) and going down upon my marrow bones to his ill-favoredmajesty there, whom I know, as well as I know myself to be a sinner, tobe nobody in the whole world, but Tim Hurlygurly the stage-player--why!it’s quite another guess sort of a thing, and utterly and altogetherpast my comprehension.”
He was not allowed to finish this speech in tranquillity. At the nameTim Hurlygurly the whole assembly leaped from their name seats.
“Treason!” shouted his Majesty King Pest the First.
“Treason!” said the little man with the gout.
“Treason!” screamed the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.
“Treason!” muttered the gentleman with his jaws tied up.
“Treason!” growled he of the coffin.
“Treason! treason!” shrieked her majesty of the mouth; and, seizing bythe hinder part of his breeches the unfortunate Tarpaulin, who had justcommenced pouring out for himself a skull of liqueur, she lifted himhigh into the air, and let him fall without ceremony into the huge openpuncheon of his beloved ale. Bobbing up and down, for a few seconds,like an apple in a bowl of toddy, he, at length, finally disappearedamid the whirlpool of foam which, in the already effervescent liquor,his struggles easily succeeded in creating.
Not tamely, however, did the tall seaman behold the discomfiture of hiscompanion. Jostling King Pest through the open trap, the valiant Legsslammed the door down upon him with an oath, and strode towards thecentre of the room. Here tearing down the skeleton which swung over thetable, he laid it about him with so much energy and good will, that, asthe last glimpses of light died away within the apartment, he succeededin knocking out the brains of the little gentleman with the gout.Rushing then with all his force against the fatal hogshead full ofOctober ale and Hugh Tarpaulin, he rolled it over and over in aninstant. Out burst a deluge of liquor so fierce--so impetuous--sooverwhelming--that the room was flooded from wall to wall--the loadedtable was overturned--the tressels were thrown upon their backs--the tubof punch into the fire-place--and the ladies into hysterics. Piles ofdeath-furniture floundered about. Jugs, pitchers, and carboys mingledpromiscuously in the melee, and wicker flagons encountered desperatelywith bottles of junk. The man with the horrors was drowned upon thespot-the little stiff gentleman floated off in his coffin--and thevictorious Legs, seizing by the waist the fat lady in the shroud, rushedout with her into the street, and made a bee-line for the “Free andEasy,” followed under easy sail by the redoubtable Hugh Tarpaulin, who,having sneezed three or four times, panted and puffed after him with theArch Duchess Ana-Pest.