Well. So much for Team Hancock. Guess I was on my own with this one. Well, fuck if I was going to just stand here and wait around for her. I had better things to do, like pimp my show. Swirling around, I made my way toward a group of girls. By the way they were tittering, I figured they were fans, not musicians. Perfect.
“Hey, ladies. Griffin Hancock here. I’m about to make all your dreams come true, every week, starting…well whenever a sucky show gets cancelled.” I looked around to make sure Anna hadn’t heard me say that. She still didn’t know the show was a midseason replacement.
“Ooooh, Griffin…of the D-Bags, right?”
I contained a groan. One day people would associate me with something else first. Something bigger, better, badder, and bolder, and I couldn’t fucking wait.
By the time I was done working the room, Anna and the D-Bags were gone. Hoping she hadn’t left for the night with them, I made my way out to the cars. I found Anna out there, waiting for our driver. She looked frosty. The ice in her eyes only grew colder on our drive home. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“What?” I asked.
Turning to me, she unleashed the full fury of her ire. “I thought you would at least try making peace with the band.”
I gave her a curious tilt of my head. “What made you think I wanted to try? Did you not see the ring? They fucking snubbed us, Anna. I’m surprised you gave them the time of day.”
Her cheeks flushed. “I know…and I’m not happy about that, but this feud has gone on long enough. Someone needs to be the bigger person.”
Leaning back in the seat, I turned my head toward the window. “It’s not going to be me. I’m happy where I’m at. If they want peace, then they better drag their asses to my house. They can kiss my ass on my front lawn.”
She inhaled a deep breath, then the car was silent.
When we got home, she went right to our room and slammed the door shut. Whatever. She could be mad at me over this one, that was fine. I wasn’t sucking up my pride to apologize to the guys. I didn’t need to. They were in the wrong, not me. They’d used me, abused me, then fucking excluded me. Fuckers could go to hell for all I cared. Bigger and better things awaited me.
Chapter 16
You Heard Right, I Am That Awesome
It took Anna a couple of days to calm down after the VMAs. When she finally started smiling again, I knew she was over it. Or as over it as she could be. She wanted me to make up with my D-Bag family, but that wasn’t happening. They’d gone too far. But I supposed I could cut their girls some slack, or at least hide out while they visited. Anna seemed to need their friendship. Whatever. It made her happy whenever I suggested she invite them over, so I told her to give them a call. Even Rachel I’m-Married-to-a-Douchebag Hancock could come over…so long as I wasn’t around to hear about her fucking nuptials. Asshole.
While Anna made plans, I went to my office to see if there was any news about the show. Grabbing the phone, I dialed Harold. “Hey, Harry. Do you have good news for me? Have we been picked up for a full season yet? ’Cause I’d love to get paid. Or maybe you’ve heard about an earlier start? I’ve kind of had to hide the delay from my wife, so if we could get this going in September or October, you’d be making my life a hell of a lot easier.” I listened for Anna, but she was downstairs on her cell phone talking to Kiera, or was last time I saw her.
Harold’s voice was crisp and professional. “I’m sorry, Mr. Hancock, unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be making your life any easier.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.
Harold paused a moment, then said, “First off, I want to thank you for your time and energy with this project. Your enthusiasm and desire to make the show a success was evident in everything you did.”
“Um, okay,” I said, scratching my head. “Thanks for the kudos, but what’s going on? You almost sound like you’re saying goodbye. You leaving me, Harold?”
His voice still stiff, he continued on like he was a recording and not an actual person. “Regretfully, LMF and the creator have decided to…part ways. The show is being shelved as all parties involved move on to other projects, and all the cast members are being released from their contracts. I’m very sorry, but the few episodes that were filmed will most likely never be shown.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Harold?” I suddenly felt like I was back in school and the teacher was explaining a subject that was so pitifully easy that everyone could do it. Everyone but me. And just like at school, I felt like I was missing something that should be obvious. It only confused me even more.
Harold let out a frustrated grunt, similar to my schoolteachers when they had to “dumb down” something so I could learn it. “Acing It has been cancelled, Griffin. Thank you for your time and energy, but your services are no longer needed.”
Like a massive earthquake had just struck the city, I lost the ability to stand. Luckily for me, a nearby couch was close. I landed on it with a thud. “What?” I whispered, stupefied. “Cancelled? It can’t be cancelled, it hasn’t even been aired yet. What you’re saying doesn’t make sense…”
“Yes, well, to put it bluntly, the studio and the creator have decided that it is no longer worth their time and energy, and ultimately, it’s their choice.”
“But…how can they decide that before it airs? It’s going to be huge, they just have to stick it out!” I was screeching into the phone now, but my tone didn’t alter Harold’s.
“I’m very sorry to have to tell you this. I was…very hopeful about this one.” He said it like he did this all the time. I didn’t. This show was all I had.
“This is bullshit!” Standing up, I began pacing. “We’ll go somewhere else, somewhere where the people have more vision.”
“We can’t, Mr. Hancock.”
“Why the fuck can’t we?” I yelled into the phone.
Harold sighed. “The show doesn’t belong to us, it belongs to the creator, and he’s decided that he wants to go in a different direction. And besides…no one else wanted the show. LMF was our only prospect.”
I had no clever retort to that. No flash of brilliance to make this all pan out. All I had was a knot of indigestion roiling in my belly, making me feel like I was going to throw up. “But…I gave up everything for this…” I whispered. What the fuck was I going to tell Anna?
Harold sniffed. “Yes, that is unfortunate, but these things happen. You just have to dust yourself off and try again. I’m sure one day you’ll be a huge success. Best of luck, Mr. Hancock.”
He disconnected the line before I could respond. I stared at the phone for a second, then dropped it onto the couch. One day I would be a huge success? Those were his parting words of wisdom for me? But I’d already been successful before him…with the guys…and I’d left the band to do this. Because this was supposed to get me even greater success. But now…it hadn’t even really started and it was over, and the band was over, and I had no fucking clue what to do. The knot of tension in my stomach started replicating uncontrollably, and I had to lean over and put my head between my knees. Taking deep breaths, I tried to focus my vision; it kept wavering in and out. I’d bet everything on this gamble, given up my spot in the band, created tension in my otherwise flawless marriage, and all because I hadn’t really thought the show was a gamble. It was supposed to be a sure thing. And now it was gone. Jesus…what the fuck do I do now?
Three hours later, I was still in my office, staring at the gold records lining the walls, trying to think of a way to keep my dream alive and to keep my marriage from falling apart. If Anna knew it was all for nothing…the crack between us would grow into something truly ugly. I felt numb. I felt hopeless. I felt defeated. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.
A timid knock on the doorframe got my attention. A bare leg swung through the door and wrapped around the frame, and with a bright smile on her lips, Anna rotated her body into the room. She was hugging the doorframe like it was a stripper pole.
Any other day the sight would have given me an instant boner, but I was too shell-shocked to be aroused. My plan had been flawless…what the hell had happened?
“There you are. I just got off the phone with Kiera. She and the girls are coming up next weekend.” Her smile was bright and carefree, then it turned playful. “Were you watching porn in here? Without me?”
She giggled and a brief smile lightened my face. It instantly fell off as the heaviness of reality weighed down on me. Fuck. How did I tell her I was a failure? I’d asked her to trust me. I’d assured her everything would work out. I’d be a loser in her eyes if she knew the truth. I couldn’t handle the thought of being anything other than amazing in her eyes. I’m so proud of you, Griffin. Goddammit.
Seeing my expression, Anna let go of the doorframe and stepped into the room. “What’s going on? Did you hear something about the show? When’s it airing? I think it’s so weird that they won’t tell you. And it’s not on the schedule yet…it’s only a few weeks away?”
Ice-cold fear froze my limbs, while acid-like doubt gnawed holes in my stomach. How do I tell her what a fuckup I am? That I’d given up my plush high-paying job, ripped her from her home, her family, and her friends, lied to her, broken her trust…for nothing. She hadn’t wanted to come here, she hadn’t wanted me to do this, but she’d gone along with it because we were a team and she believed in me. And I’d just lost the only hope I’d had to prove to her that I could be a star without the guys. If I told her the show was cancelled, she’d freak out. She’d be furious about everything I’d thrown away to do this. No, she’d be more than furious, she’d leave…she’d go back to Seattle and leave me here to rot. Or she’d ask me to come with her, but I couldn’t go back there. I just couldn’t. Not as a failure with my tail between my legs.
It made me feel any even sicker, but I couldn’t tell her the truth. Not completely. Not yet. I needed to ease her into the truth, give it to her gradually, in pieces, so she didn’t panic, so I had time to think of a backup plan. With that in mind, I decided to tell her something I should have told her a while ago. She’d be upset, but not nearly as upset as she should be. “Uh…Harold called…I sort of have bad news.” I had to swallow the sudden lump in my throat. Fuck. I’d been so close to having everything I’d ever wanted.
Anna’s face fell, and she placed her fingers over her chest, like her heart was pounding and she was trying to calm the organ down. “What? Is there a problem with the show?”
Forcing a smile to my face that I hoped looked realistic, I shook my head. “No, no…it just got pushed back. They’re going to use it as a midseason replacement. You know, when one of the other shows fail. Harold said not to worry, that tons of successful shows get their start that way. It doesn’t mean anything.” But the show being cancelled does. Fuck.
Anna didn’t seem to know how to process that. She seemed concerned but didn’t know if she should be. “Oh…well…are they still paying you the same? Even though the show has been delayed?”
You mean, are they still paying me next to nothing? And have we used up the little that they did pay me by renting this McMansion? Yes. “Oh yeah, we’re fine there, babe. No worries.” Shit. I was so fucked.
Anna inhaled a deep cleansing breath. After she let it go, she murmured, “It will be fine, it will be fine, it will be fine…” By the way she said it, it was clear this was a chant she repeated often. She left without another word, and a bitter despair washed over me once she was gone. What the fuck did I do? What the fuck do I do? How do I fix this?
I didn’t have an easy answer for that. In fact, the only answer I could come up with…was to try to get on another show. Anna would flip if I told her I was jobless and auditioning though, and she was already holding on by a thread, I could tell. I’d already fucked up so much for her, and I couldn’t admit what a disaster my master plan had been, and the fact that I didn’t have a decent backup to that plan. So to save face, and my marriage, I did a really horrible thing. I flat-out, no-way-to-deny-it, deceitfully, horribly, shamefully lied to my wife. I lied to her, to save us, because I knew it was all over if I didn’t. And I couldn’t comprehend us being over. Just the thought of her walking out on me made me feel like I’d inhaled a handful of glass shards; every breath hurt.
The Monday after Kiera left, when Anna was chipper and recharged, I told her the “good news.” Grabbing her waist, I pulled her in tight, and prepared myself to do something I didn’t think I’d ever have to do again. “Hey, I wanted you to be the first to know…the show got picked up for a full season! I’m going in today to begin filming the rest of the episodes.” Please forgive me for this.
Anna’s jaw dropped in surprise. “Wow, babe, that’s great!” The pride on her face made the nausea and remorse return. This show was supposed to be my shot at greatness. Now look at me.
She squeezed me tight, which was a good thing, because I was sure I looked pretty damn guilty at the moment. Pulling back, she asked, “So when is the show going to be on?”
Not able to meet eyes with her, I swished my hand and looked around for my coat. “Uh, January, I think. I don’t know yet…I gotta go, babe.” I felt sick as I left the house, and I even dry-heaved in the driveway, but I didn’t have a choice. I needed time, and now I had until January. Hopefully by then I’d have something better lined up.
Auditioning was tougher than I thought, and after going to a few of them, I had to give my brother Liam props. I had no idea what I was doing, and that was plain as day to the people running the auditions. In fact, I was beginning to wonder if Harold would have given me Ace’s part if he’d bothered auditioning me for it. By the way I was being ripped apart on an almost daily basis, I doubted it.
Every day, I was getting more and more frustrated. And every day, I avoided my wife as much as I could. I left for my “job” early in the morning and got back home as late as I could. I even went “in” on the weekends to avoid being at home. I just couldn’t handle the feeling in my stomach whenever I was around my family. It was like my gut was lined with razor blades, and every time they looked at me with pride in their eyes, my muscles clenched and those blades sliced me open. I couldn’t take it, so I made sure I wasn’t around.
Since I didn’t actually have a job, and I couldn’t fill up all the hours in the day with auditions, I hung out a lot. I went to bars, strip clubs, all-you-can-eat buffets…wherever I could veg for hours at a time. I even drove to Vegas once…or twice. Anything to occupy my day. Sometimes I shopped, and then I’d leave the trinkets for Anna and the girls around the house, for them to find while I was “working.” The small gestures helped alleviate my guilt, and Anna always texted me smiles and kisses after she found them, but she didn’t like how much I was gone.
“I never see you anymore. I know what you’re doing is important…but they are going to let you come home every once in a while, aren’t they?”
I sighed into the phone as I sipped on my beer. I was such a fucking dick. “Work comes first, babe, you know that. But don’t worry…they’ll give me time off for the holidays.” God, I was beginning to give Matt a run for his money in the douche of the year category.
Anna sighed too. “So in two months, I’ll see you?”
“Milfums…it’s temporary, you know that.”
“I know…Dilfums. Kill it today, okay? Then hurry home to me. I am so bored here without you. Carl can be entertaining at times, but he’s not you.”
I forced myself to laugh at her comment. “Yeah, I know he’s not…no one is. I gotta go, babe, I’m getting called on set.” I cringed as Anna said goodbye and hung up the phone. The bartender gave me a raised eyebrow but thankfully didn’t comment on my obvious lie. Since I had nowhere to go for another eight hours, I ordered another beer. Damn it. How long could I keep avoiding my life?
Around midnight, I made my way home. I felt like shit when I walked through the door. This sucked. I’d been poised for greatness, and now my life no longer had direction. The only thi
ng in front of me was a looming deadline of the shit hitting the fan, and I’d always sucked with deadlines. I had no clue what to do, and I wasn’t used to that feeling.
Since childhood, I’d always known what my destiny was—fame. And once I’d found the D-Bags, I hadn’t questioned my life or the road I was on. I’d known I was on a skyrocket to success, and all I’d had to do was stay the course. But then I’d gotten there and realized it wasn’t what I’d thought it would be. It was like my path had been parallel to the path I’d wanted, so I’d gotten off it. And now that I was off that path, for the first time ever, I was questioning my choices, and I was beginning to wonder if my view of that original path had been skewed. Maybe it hadn’t been so bad after all. Maybe I could still climb back onto it? All I needed was a hand to help me up…
Without allowing a moment to second-guess myself, I headed to the kitchen and picked up the phone to make a call. I dialed a number that I hadn’t dialed in ages, and when a familiar voice answered, I had to swallow the knot blocking my throat. Then I wrapped myself in an armor of nonchalance. This was no big deal. Yes, it was. “Hey, Matt…good you’re up. It’s me, Griffin.” There was silence on the other end for so long that I almost thought he’d hung up on me. “You still there?”
“Yeah, I’m still here. Although I’m wondering why. I should hang up right now and block your number.”
The frostiness in his voice got under my skin, but I did my best to ignore it. “Are you still cross with me for decking you? Is that why you snubbed me at your wedding? Come on, man. That was forever ago.”
“Decking me? You think I’m mad about…?” I heard a deep inhale, then a long exhale. “What do you want, Griffin?”
Closing my eyes, I said a quick Let this work prayer. “Just wondering if you’d found a bassist yet. I’ve got some time to kill…so if you need anybody…” Please take me back.
Matt scoffed. “Are you kidding me? You’ve got time to kill, so you want back in…since you’ve got nothing better going on right now? Unbelievable.” He let out a humorless laugh. “What happened to your show? Your shot at stardom, since apparently being in a successful band wasn’t stardom enough for you.”