There was so much to process in what he’d just said.
My brain blurted out the first thing it wanted to deal with. “Stevie and I don’t have feelings for each other. I don’t like Stevie, Tobias.”
His eyes widened as my tone implied that I liked someone else. “No?”
“No.”
“Good. Because I just left him to that hell.” He stood up and started pacing back and forth. “I tried to help him even if it meant hurting you, and he just let himself get pulled further down into that crap.”
I stood up, reached out to touch him, to slow him down. He stilled, looking at my hand on his arm. “What did you mean? You chose me over Stevie?”
“Comet, Dean made it clear that if I left with you, I couldn’t go around there or anywhere near him again. So I either had to stay and go with Stevie as his backup on a drug deal and leave you to handle Dean on your own, or I could walk out of there with you and leave Stevie to do it alone. For good.” His gaze moved over my face, as if he were committing each feature to memory.
My heart started thudding so hard the blood rushed through my ears. “So you chose me.”
“Of course,” he choked out. “I’d never let anything happen to you. And seeing you there... I never want to see that crap touch you again. It was a wake-up call for me. I don’t want to be a part of that shit either. That’s not me.”
Seeing something in his expression made me brave in a way I never thought I could be. Knees trembling, I stepped up to him and placed a hand on his chest, over his heart. His chest was strong and hard beneath my hand, his body heat surrounding me and that woodsy, spicy, citrusy scent he wore teasing my senses. I wanted to sway into him, hold him tight, and never let go, but I had something important to say first now that I had his absolute attention. “Being a good student, working for something, achieving something, playing hard at football...it wasn’t all for your dad, Tobias. There is no maybe about it. Deep down you want those things for yourself, too. You’re smart and good and such a special person.” I gave him a tremulous smile, wondering if how I felt for him was as obvious to him as it was to apparently everyone else. “You deserve the life you really want.”
His chest rose and fell faster beneath my hand as we stared into one another’s eyes. Tobias licked his lips, as if he was nervous. “What if I want to get my grades back up?”
“Then I’ll help.”
“And join the rugby team?”
“Then you’ll try out.”
He nodded and slowly lifted his hand to cover mine. He took a step closer to me, his breathing sounding a little shaky. The thud of his heart racing beneath my palm made mine accelerate. My legs shook and my fingers curled into Tobias’s shirt. “And...what if what I really want...is you?”
Joy flooded me. I can’t truly describe the feeling. The euphoria. The excitement and thrill and fear and worry that cascaded through me at the thought of being with Tobias King.
No matter the plethora of emotions that came with his question, my answer was instant and absolute. “Then you have me.”
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
16
Once there was a cold man in a dark hole,
And he offered a boy a choice.
“I’ll destroy your pain in exchange for your soul,
Or live your days down here with no voice.”
—CC
Hearing and feeling Tobias’s heart beat beneath my cheek was the most wonderful feeling in the world. Despite my worry for him and for Stevie, I couldn’t help but feel happy as the boy I loved slept in my bed with his arm around me.
The morning sun woke him around nine in the morning. He groaned and then grew still, maybe realizing I was curled up against him. For a moment I tensed, fearing he was going to regret everything he’d said last night.
Instead he trailed his fingers down my arm. “You awake?” his voice rumbled above me.
I smiled, liking the tingles that bubbled and fizzed in certain parts of my body at the mere sound of his voice. “Yeah.”
“What time is it?”
I told him.
“Crap.”
“What?” I asked, sitting up as he reached across the bed to where his phone lay on the bedside table.
“Stevie and my mom.” He cursed again as he flicked the screen. “They’ve texted and called a bunch of times. I better call my mom back first before she calls the police or something.” He pressed the screen and held the phone to his ear. “Mom,” he said almost immediately. “I’m fine.” Tobias scowled. “I’m a big boy...no...no, I didn’t...I’m with Comet...” Streaks of color appeared high on his cheeks, surprising me. Tobias rarely got embarrassed. “No, we just fell asleep...yeah...I’m on my way.” He hung up and gave me an apologetic look. “I have to go.”
At his beleaguered tone, I placed a reassuring hand on his arm. “She’s your mum. It would be weird if she wasn’t worried you didn’t come home.”
“Yeah, whatever.” He shook his head and got off the bed, leaving me to frown at him.
Tobias seemed to be in a continually bad mood with his mother. I wish I had the guts to tell him to talk to her about why he was so mad, but I didn’t want to push too hard too soon on such a delicate subject.
“I’ll go appease her,” he said, slipping his trainers on. “Then come back?”
I opened my mouth to agree and then remembered my promise from the night before. “I’m going over to Vicki’s this morning.”
“Right. How about I meet you outside the Espy around three o’ clock?”
Relieved and delighted that he not only didn’t regret saying what he had last night but that he wanted to see me again so soon, I grinned and got off the bed. Tobias gave me that boyish smile of his and I reached for his hand, needing to touch him.
He squeezed mine, a solemnity entering his gaze. “I want to invite Stevie to meet us. I’m hoping that together we can talk him out of this bullshit. When it was just me I wasn’t getting anywhere, but he cares about you. Maybe he’ll listen.”
I nodded, loving him even more for wanting to help his cousin. “Definitely. If we let him know we’re here to help him through everything with his mum but that we can only do that if he walks away from Dean and the drugs...maybe he’ll see sense.”
I hoped.
Tobias hoped, too. I could see the turmoil in his eyes and I wanted desperately to be able to take it away.
It was as I was leading him from my bedroom to the front door that I heard the hallway floor creak behind us. I turned ever so slightly, catching sight of my dad in my peripheral. Ignoring him I hugged Tobias goodbye and waved him off down the garden path. I closed the door and turned to face my father. He stood frowning at me in his pajamas, a cup of coffee in one hand, a piece of toast in the other.
“Did that boy stay over?” he asked, sounding incredulous.
His tone suggested I’d done something wrong. I stiffened. “Yes.”
Dad took a step toward me, glowering now. “Don’t you think that’s something you should run past us first? You’re only sixteen, Comet.”
“Almost seventeen.” I bristled. How dare he suddenly play the parental card! Just when I was happy and didn’t need him, he wanted to stick his nose in where it was not wanted! A fire lit inside me and swept out of me before I could control it. “And let’s not play the concerned parent act, Kyle.” I strode toward my bedroom and shoved open the door. “You don’t get to decide which parts of my life you want to take an interest in. Having a kid? Kind of an all-or-nothing deal.” I stepped inside, gripping the door in my hand as I sneered at him. “You decided long ago it was nothing for you. No changing your mind now.” And with that I slammed the door in his shocked face.
* * *
Walking to Vicki’s not too much later, I felt a lightness in my step. Having the courage to put my da
d in his place and bring the truth into the open had lifted this weight off my shoulders I hadn’t even known I’d been carrying around. Before Tobias, I could be snarky to my parents, but I never would have had the courage to call them out for being atrocious parental units.
I was changing. It seemed as if I’d started to change from the moment Tobias and I became friends.
I could only hope I was changing for the better.
Because the truth was I still had so many insecurities regarding Tobias. Maybe it was because I felt so much for him that I worried so much more about how he felt about me. I’d barely slept the night before, listening to him breathe slow and easy, sleeping like a baby in my arms. The truth was I’d been caught in this place of absolute glee and absolute fear. Although we had admitted we wanted to be with each other, neither of us had said how we felt about the other. And Tobias...
Well, he hadn’t kissed me.
Yes, he held me while he slept, but there was nothing sexual about it. He didn’t even wake up with morning wood and, according to all the books I’d read, that was supposed to happen. Although...he had been exhausted, falling asleep almost immediately when we’d lain down on my bed last night. I’d read that exhaustion could affect a boy in that area.
Or maybe I’d just read the entire situation wrong?
No.
I couldn’t have.
There had been definite eye smoldering, and I knew from my extensive reading that eye smoldering was an important part of the mating ritual.
Then why hadn’t he kissed me?
Was he trying not to push me because he thought I was fragile? Was he worried about my reaction to his kiss after reading my poem about my first kiss with Ethan?
Oh God.
Well...to be fair I was a little worried about that, but I wanted to like Tobias’s kisses! And even if I didn’t, I’d already decided I’d put up with them just to be with him. I was totally willing to make that sacrifice.
Then there was the fact that as much as I wanted everything with Tobias, I was worried about our possible future together. When I was thirteen years old, I’d made the decision that I was going to university somewhere far away from my parents. After reading an online article about colleges best known for writing that were located in the States, I’d discovered the University of Virginia. I’d Googled what I could about it and fallen in love with the idea of studying there, and I’d become stubbornly focused on UVA. It was my dream college and I wasn’t ready to give up on that dream for anyone. Not even Tobias.
But if Tobias was here and I was there...where would that leave us?
I was seriously overthinking this, considering the boy hadn’t even kissed me yet!
This was all on my mind as Vicki invited me into her house. Even so I noticed her dad’s car wasn’t parked in the driveway, and it occurred to me that it was weird Vicki had been allowed to invite me over. It was a Sunday. Sundays were Family-Only Day at the Browns’.
Before I could question her about it, Vicki grabbed my wrist and hauled me into her room, then closed the door quickly behind us. “What happened?” she asked me all wide-eyed.
Chuckling at her eagerness I sat down on her bed, taking in the fact that her room was a colossal mess. The school had given her some funds to put together the costumes for the school play and it had clearly taken over her life. Thankfully, it got to go on her application for design school. Bolts of fabric were scattered over the floor, completed and half-finished costumes were hanging on doors, chairs, sprawled over blanket boxes. An almost completed 1920s flapper dress was on one of her mannequins with boxes of sequins and beading on the floor around it. I marveled at her artistry, wondering how she managed to create such wonderful pieces.
Her talent was out of this world. “That looks amazing.”
“Yeah, yeah, tell me what happened.” She shooed off my compliment.
I laughed at her eagerness and promptly told her what Tobias had explained to me once we’d dropped her off at home the night before. “So you see, he’s not into drugs. We’re going to meet up later with Stevie and try to talk some sense into him.”
“And if you can’t?” Vicki frowned in concern.
“I like Stevie. I’m worried for him, obviously. But I can’t get involved with someone who is involved with drugs. If I can’t talk him out of it, then I just have to make peace with the idea of leaving him to it. I can’t tell anyone at school, because Stevie could get put away in Young Offenders. I can’t tell his mum because she...is really ill at the moment and shouldn’t have to deal with it. Stevie’s seventeen. He’s nearly an adult. What else can I do but try to persuade him? Tobias told me he would walk away from Stevie, too, if he doesn’t stop. I didn’t get the impression this morning that he’d changed his mind about that.”
“Wait. What?” Vicki jumped down on the bed beside me, eyes round with excitement. “This morning?”
I laughed, enjoying being the one with something juicy to tell for once. “He slept over.”
“You slept together?” she squeaked.
I shushed her, afraid her mum would overhear us. “Just sleeping. He didn’t even kiss me.”
Confusion wrinkled her forehead. “He didn’t?”
Her reaction brought all my insecurities to the forefront. “I should be worried, shouldn’t I?”
“I’m not sure. Did he actually say out loud that he wanted to go out with you?”
Had he? “Well...no.” I shook my head, completely confused myself now. “But...it was implied. You had to be there.”
“Hmm.” My friend did not look convinced, and suddenly my heart was racing madly in my chest. “But you’re seeing him today?”
“With Stevie, yes.”
“When Stevie leaves, you have to ask Tobias straight out whether or not you’re dating. No way I’ll have him playing you, Com.”
Her protectiveness was sweet but I was not reassured. She seemed too easily ready to believe that I’d gotten Tobias wrong somehow. His reputation didn’t exactly lend itself to the idea of him being a good boyfriend, but I knew Tobias. I did.
A little annoyed with Vicki for making me doubt everything, and even more annoyed with myself for being so easily doubtful, I changed the subject to the one that didn’t make me annoyed with my friend. Only concerned. “Where’s your dad? His car isn’t in the driveway.”
For a moment Vicki just stared at me.
And then she burst into tears.
No buildup.
Just bawling.
I immediately wrapped my arms around her and drew her head to my shoulder, holding her tight as her body shook with her tears. “Vicki?” I eventually asked when her tears slowed.
She pulled away from me to wipe at her cheeks, blobs of mascara now congregating around the corners of her eyes. “He moved out, Comet.” She choked on the words, her lips trembling. “Weeks ago.”
Guilt slammed into me.
“That’s why I’ve been so mad at you. My dad’s gone, and I couldn’t even talk to you about it.”
“Oh God, Vick.” Tears filled my eyes now, “I’m so sorry. I’m such a horrible friend.”
“No.” She shook her head vigorously, her afro bouncing around her shoulders as if incongruous to her emotions, “We’ve both been crap friends. I could have just talked to you, told you, and I know that you would have made time and been there for me. I just... I needed someone to be mad at. I don’t want to be mad at them, because I don’t want to make things worse. They said it’s just a break, but I’m really worried that they’re never getting back together.” She reached for my hand and covered it with both of hers. “I’m sorry for taking it out on you.”
I hugged her again, my pulse beating fast for her. I wished I could take away her worries or carry them for her instead. The truth was I couldn’t really understand what it must feel like to worry about pare
nts splitting up and a family being torn apart. However, I had always envied Vicki her life with her family. It hurt me that she might not have that special unity in her life anymore.
“They promise it’s not about me,” she sniffled, resting her head on my shoulder again. “They said they were frustrated with each other and taking it out on us. They said they didn’t want that, so they were taking some time apart. But I don’t know if I believe them—I think I might have caused this.”
I squeezed her waist. “Vick, it can’t possibly just be about their differences over what you should do with your life. There has to be more to it than that. I’m positive.”
“You think?”
“Of course. Don’t blame yourself. Maybe they really do just need a break. They’ve been together a long time—they’re bound to need some space from each other.”
She sat up. “Your parents don’t.”
I snorted at the comparison. “My parents are the most dysfunctional codependent couple on the planet. Please do not use them as an example of a good relationship.”
“You don’t think they have a good relationship? They’re so in love.”
Bitterness and resentment, feelings I kept buried deep down most of the time in order to function, rose up inside of me. “To the detriment of all others. You can be in love and not be selfish dipshits, Vicki. If your parents need a break to be better people for you and your brother, then that’s a hell of a lot more love and consideration than my parents ever gave me.”
Something shifted in Vicki’s expression, lightened maybe. “I guess. I never thought about it that way.”
“Just give them time.”
Vick nodded and then she smirked at me. “Do your parents know Tobias stayed the night?”
I grinned and recounted the conversation between me and my dad.
Her mouth fell open in half shock, half laughter. She studied me, almost as if she’d never seen me before. And then she just flat-out grinned. “I think I like Tobias’s influence on you.”