I tugged Tobias away from the photo. There was no need for us both to be a sad, wallowing mess today. “Yes, Mrs. King, hot chocolate sounds lovely.” We wandered into the small, modern kitchen to find her waiting on us.
“I thought I told you to call me Lena.”
“Of course, sorry.” I gave her a smile, trying to ignore the fact that she was raking her eyes over my outfit like she had the last time I saw her.
It was Christmas, so I’d decided on a burgundy long-sleeved thermal with gold sparkles through it, matched with a short burgundy velvet skirt with a dark red tulle underskirt that stuck out rock-chick style from the skirt. I wore thick, black tights and Irregular Choice burgundy suede ankle boots in the Victorian style. They seemed simple until I turned around—they had a huge gold jacquard bow pinned to the back of the ankle.
I’d added a bunch of chunky gold bracelets up both arms so I jingled when I moved.
I’d considered toning my clothes down but this was me, and Tobias knew this was me and all that mattered was that he loved me, loud fashion sense and all. Still, I smoothed my hands down my skirt nervously until Tobias captured one of them in his own.
Glancing up at him in question, I found myself caught by the tender reassurance in his eyes. He drew my hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to it while his gaze held mine, and I felt like he was silently reminding me not to worry what she thought of me because he thought I was perfect.
The sound of a throat clearing broke our moment and we turned to find his mum staring at us wearing a huge smile. “Hot chocolate.” She gestured to the mugs in front of us.
Her assessment of my appearance ceased and instead she studied my interactions with her son. In fact, she watched everything Tobias did, and she did it in a way that made me think she missed him. I knew they’d talked and he was attempting to repair the damage to their relationship, but I perceived a wariness in Lena’s behavior. Like she was scared of making the wrong move—one that might cause him to shut her out again.
We’d somehow gotten on to the topic of being clumsy, and I was telling them about my most embarrassing klutzy moment. “Someone had smashed in the huge oval glass panels in the science corridor doors but I didn’t know about it. They just removed the entire damaged pane, and I wasn’t paying attention so I missed the warning sign on the door. Instead I was turning around, yapping away to Vicki about something and I just put my arm out to push the door open. Except my arm went right through and I was going at such a momentum that my entire upper half went through so that I ended up dangling over the insert of the door with my skirt up over my back for the whole world to see my underwear. Of course I didn’t know what had happened so I just kind of dangled over it for a while, trying to work out why my nose was inches from the ground, why my butt felt chilly and why I could hear my friends and every other person in the hallway cackling with laughter.”
Tobias was laughing at the story and I slapped his arm. “It wasn’t funny!”
“I’m sorry.” He kept laughing. “I can just picture it. Did anyone open the door while you were still hanging over it?”
My expression turned stony. “Heather.”
I could see him struggling to contain his amusement, and I threw his mother an exasperated look that made her smile.
“I can tell you about the time Tobias broke his arm trying to climb the tree outside of his favorite teacher’s house.”
His laughter died, turning to mock horror. “No, Mom, don’t.”
Lena immediately flinched. “Oh. Okay.”
Tobias made a face. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just embarrassing.”
“So I can tell it?”
I felt unsettled by the strain between them, realizing they still had a way to go before they’d be comfortable with one another again.
“Let’s just eat and put on a movie or something.” Tobias shifted the conversation.
It did seem easier for them to have the buffer of having something to do rather than being faced with more real conversation but that seemed normal, I thought. Mending their relationship would take time.
The rest of the afternoon was good, and Lena seemed to warm to me. I still had my insecurities about her, but she relieved me of those when Tobias excused himself just as I was getting ready to leave.
“I like you with him,” Lena said as soon as he was out of earshot.
I blushed. “Thank you.”
Her gaze drifted over me but this time she smiled. “You’re not at all like the girl he used to date back home, but I can see that’s a good thing. You surprised me at first. But the way he is with you...” Her gaze turned introspective. “I like what I see. And although I love Stevie and he’s family, he wasn’t a good influence. Since Tobias started dating you, he’s stopped hanging around with his cousin. He’s doing his homework again, bringing home good grades, playing a sport... He seems to be finding himself again and I just... I can tell you’ve had a part in influencing that. Thank you.”
Embarrassed by her praise but glad of it, I said, “Tobias would have found his way back to himself with or without me. I really believe that.”
“Yes, maybe. But you got him there faster. I’m glad he has you.”
I bit my lip to contain the massive grin that wanted to burst across my face. “Thanks. And thank you for a lovely day and dinner.”
“You’re welcome, sweetheart. Anytime.”
The sound of Tobias thundering down the stairs quietened us and he appeared in the doorway, clutching something in his hand. “Time to go.”
I said my goodbyes to his mum and Tobias helped me into my coat. Once we were both bundled up he took my hand and led me outside. We walked in companionable silence through town, passing the large Christmas tree on a square in the High Street. The only other attempt at decoration in town was by our local hardware store, which had projected a Christmas image on the building across from it.
Tonight the sea was relatively calm, just a hush in the background as it sipped at the shore. The moon was full and bright and I remembered how as a kid I would stand at my bedroom window and stare up at the sky on Christmas Eve, desperate to see the black silhouette of Santa and his sleigh passing over the moon. I longed for the days when I’d truly believed in magic, but tonight was the first Christmas Eve in years where the longing was just a pang instead of a deep ache.
When we reached my garden gate Tobias stopped us and reached inside his jacket. “Merry Christmas.” He handed me the package.
Delight bubbled up inside of me. “I put yours under your tree while you were upstairs.” I’d been sneaky a few weeks ago, asking about what aftershave he wore. I’d bought him a gift set of it. The truth was I’d been unsure what to buy him. I’d never had a boyfriend before, and we hadn’t discussed budget or what was expected of us. Erring on the side of caution, I’d worried since I’d bought it that the gift was too simple.
“I want you to open it now, if that’s okay,” he said, and if I didn’t know any better I would have thought he was nervous.
That made me a little nervous. I tore open the gold Christmas paper he’d wrapped it in, and laughter immediately exploded out of me at what was in my hands.
It was my favorite perfume! Tobias had obviously snuck around in my room to find out what it was.
“Is laughter good?” he said.
“Yes!” I hugged him. “You’ll understand when you see your gift.”
“Okay.” He grinned in relief. “I just wasn’t sure what we were...”
“Budget, expectation, generic or handmade, all the questions.” I nodded in understanding, making him laugh. “Seriously, you’ll feel happy with your present to me when you see my present to you.”
Tobias’s brows drew together. “You bought me cologne, didn’t you?”
I giggled until he kissed the laughter from my lips, and I suddenly wished he w
as staying with me all night.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
25
Time to tell that star goodbye,
Too much wishing blew its spark.
So tonight I’ll watch that star die,
Watch it disappear into the dark.
—CC
Tobias was reluctant to let me go, and I tried to assure him I was fine. That was quite difficult to do when it was a lie.
For the first time ever I was anxious about stepping inside my own home.
I didn’t know how my confrontation with Kyle would affect us. Yes, my parents had been negligent and self-absorbed, but they’d also never been angry or mean to me. Part of me wished I’d kept my mouth shut so that we could have gone on existing peacefully with one another, like roommates happy with the basic idea of having found someone to coexist with who didn’t irritate them.
When I slipped into the house that night, I felt like I had a flurry of angry moths in my stomach, I was so nervous. The sound of the television from the living room filtered out and down the L-shaped hallway toward me, and I could smell Carrie’s famous chicken curry in the air. Kyle had been telling the truth. They really were just having a quiet Christmas Eve together.
Stupidly I wondered whether I shouldn’t have stayed home after all and soaked up time with my parents while they wanted to spend it with me. But that seemed desperate and forgiving, and right then I was neither.
As much as Lena King’s words had lifted my spirits, and as much as I was grateful to have Tobias and Vicki in my life, it wasn’t enough to forget the hollowness my parents had carved into me. I had to hope that time would take care of my wounds, that eventually they would heal, and all I’d be left with was a scar that itched every now and then.
However, that time was not quite here yet.
On that thought, I didn’t announce my safe arrival home. Instead I used the bathroom, brushed my teeth and shut myself inside my bedroom.
My phone binged on my bedside table as I snuggled deep into my bed. I reached over and touched the screen, and saw a message from Vicki.
It’s officially Xmas! Have a Merry One, Comet! ILYSM xx PS. I opnd yr pressie early.
I grinned and replied:
Merry Christmas, Vick! ILYSM2 xx P.S. I’ll open mine in the morning because I’m a good girl xx
She replied with the sticky-out tongue emoji. I was grateful to her for putting a smile on my face before I tried to drift off to sleep. Before I could, however, my phone binged again.
This time it was Steph:
MryXmas! LU! Xx
For all her faults, and whether it was out of habit or because she felt like family and I had to, I loved Steph, too. She wasn’t perfect, sometimes she pissed me off, and sometimes she hurt me, but she could also be sweet. And I believed that she did care about me in her own way.
Merry Christmas, Steph. Love you, too. Hope Santa is good to you. xx
In the middle of texting her my phone binged with another notification, and when I sent Steph’s text, I saw that it was a new text from Tobias:
I wywh in my bed w/ me.
Somehow he had the ability to make me blush even via text. Feeling that luscious, hot wave roll gently through me at the thought of being with him, my fingers shook a little as I replied.
Me too. I miss you when you’re not here. Xx
Tobias: Did ur dad tlk 2 u when u gt hme?
No. I went straight to bed xx
Tobias: Ok. Jst know I love you. Merry Christmas, baby.
A rush of overwhelming love crashed over me at his words and endearment. I was someone’s baby. Carrie and Kyle had never called me their baby or their sweetheart or their darling. Vicki was the only one. I’d been her babe for the last four years. I loved being her babe.
But truthfully it never soothed my hurt the way that being Tobias’s baby soothed my hurt in that moment.
Merry Christmas. I love you, too. Xx
And it was with his voice in my head and the phantom feeling of his arms wrapped tight around me that I fell asleep on Christmas night feeling loved despite the failings of my parents.
* * *
Something seeped into my conscious, an awareness niggling at me to wake up. My heavy eyelids fluttered slowly open and my breath caught in a moment of panic at the sight of the shadowy figure at the bottom of my bed.
Moonlight through the gap in my curtains caught on the tendrils of curls, and as consciousness found its grip I realized that the shadowy figure was Carrie.
Confusion as to why she was there cleared as I remembered it was Christmas and there was a weight at my feet that suggested she was putting my stocking on my bed. Something rustled, and I lifted my head to see she was pushing little gift-wrapped parcels back into the stocking.
Wait.
Carrie was the one who left the stocking at the bottom of my bed?
“Carrie?” Her name came out in a sleepy croak.
“Comet?” she whispered back, sounding surprised and dismayed.
Reaching across my bed, I fumbled for the light switch on the bedside table lamp. Warm yellow light illuminated the room and Carrie, who stood at the foot of my bed staring at me like a deer caught in headlights.
Her curly hair was in disarray, and she was wearing a red terry cloth dressing gown with a massive hood. Kyle had bought her it years ago and although he’d offered to buy her a new one she insisted on keeping it. It used to be a rich ruby red. Now it was faded and worn and well used.
My gaze moved from her to the Santa’s stocking lying across the bottom of the bed. “You give me the stocking?”
She stared at me and then concluded, “You thought Kyle did.”
I nodded, pushing myself into a sitting position. It was still dark out and my eyes were heavy with unfinished sleep.
Carrie sighed and suddenly slumped down onto the end of my bed. “I... I overheard your argument with Kyle.”
Apprehension gripped me and I froze. Was this the part where she berated me? Called me a sullen teenager?
“You said you know what happened to me as a kid, but I somehow doubt that. At least I hope you don’t know.” Her words were bitter. “I grew up in a very bad house, Comet.”
Something in the way she said it made my heart thump hard, like without her having to say the actual words, I knew that bad meant something far more sinister.
“I never wanted you to be as lonely as I was growing up,” she whispered, the words thick and drawn, like they were being pulled through the resistance of thick mud. “I never meant for that with you. I’m...just...this is me.” She shrugged, seeming exhausted, defeated, and yes, ashamed. “I am who I am, and I probably won’t ever change. If I was a stronger person I’d try, although I reckon it’s too late now anyway.” For the first time in my life my mother looked at me with longing. “I wish I was stronger. I wish I was different. That I could be the kind of parent you deserve. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed. But I am not sorry you turned out the way you did. I know you think I don’t see you, but I do. And you are so much braver, stronger and truer than I’ll ever be. Be thankful for that, kid.” She stood up and walked toward the door. “Be thankful that you turned out better than either of your parents.”
She left, shutting the door behind her.
I stared at the closed door for a while, trying to process her words. Finally, exhausted in body but now awake in mind, I flopped onto my back and gazed up at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to my ceiling.
The happy ending that in my hearts of hearts I’d one day hoped to find with my parents had just been obliterated by Carrie’s confession. In that happy ending I’d dreamed of my parents admitting they had been wrong to treat me so negligently and then we’d start all over again as a happy, close-knit family, where love was shared without jealousy
or insecurity.
However, both of them had admitted in the last twenty-four hours that they weren’t capable of that. Yet...they’d also made an admission of wrongdoing. That was something. Not everything, but it was something to hold on to.
The hope that I could have a dream relationship with them had finally died. But the more I lay there thinking it over, the more I realized that it was okay.
Sad. Painful.
But okay.
Because now I could hope for things that might really come true.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
26
I’d never win a prize for orienteering,
Always wandering around, feeling lost.
Yet today I stopped disappearing,
And to be seen I’ll happily pay the cost.
—CC
School Christmas holidays? Blink and you would have missed them.
Before we knew it we were back at Blair Lochrie High School, and without our having to say a word to one another, I knew both Tobias and I were a little anxious about the reception we’d receive. Although the situation with Stevie and his evil band of delinquents had dissolved before Christmas, we were still apprehensive. Would they start their torment again?
Tobias and I had Spanish before lunch, so we headed to the cafeteria together, meeting up with Steph and Vicki just outside the doors. My eyes automatically zeroed in on the pool table.
It was occupied by first years.
No Stevie.
No Jimmy or Forrester or any of the guys.
I looked at Tobias and saw he was staring in the same direction. Feeling my gaze, he looked at me and gave me a reassuring smile. Perhaps it was something to do with the fact that we’d had sex, but over the holidays he and I had grown so close it was like we knew what the other was thinking without having to say a word.
“I’m starving,” Steph groaned, leading us toward the lunch line. “It’s all this studying. My brain hurts and my stomach is grumpy.”
Our exams started in one week and we’d all been cramming since the break. Tobias and I had spent a lot of time together studying, being distracted by each other’s lips and other body parts, and then studying again. Sometimes we met up with Vicki and Steph for a group study, and I found we were more productive that way because we weren’t allowed to be distracted with one another in company.