Poems From the Potting Shed
By Lynne Roberts
Copyright 2014 Lynne Roberts
ISBN 978-1-927241-26-4
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Contents
50 Shades of Spray
A Cautionary Tale
A Fairy Tale
A Little List
A Lot of Bull
A Stressful Time
Blooming Cheek
Chain Reaction
Christmas
Confessions of a Gardener
Daybreak
Easter Weekend
Entertaining
Fertilizer
From the Passenger Seat
Gnomeless
Gwyther’s Garden
Herbal Days
Hoe Down
In Haste
In Reply to Clare
Insects
Life Cycle
Daisies Daisies
Mary Mary
Dilly Dilly
Green Grows the Nightshade-O
Many a Mickle Makes a Muckle
Matter of Fact
My Favourite Things
Names
Nellie the Puppy
On a Budget
Running Out
Overheard at a Nursery
Potty
Proposal in a Chinese garden
Roses
Super Zespri Man
The Bus Trip
The Elements
The First Day of Springtime
The Fishpond
The Friendship Garden
The Green Growers’ Blues
The Help Line
The Orchardist’s Lament
Three Tier Farming
What Will the Matter Be?
Wintertime
50 Shades of Spray
I’m really not the kind of girl
Who’s into kinky stuff
Although I’ve done my share
Of skinny dipping in the buff
But when it comes to bondage
Or things that cause me pain
If you think that I’ll submit
Then I suggest you think again
I do like lots of money, though
And wish I’d had the luck
To write a squillion selling book
And pocket all the bucks
They say the sales of riding crops
Can’t keep up with demand
From those dominating dudes
Who like to dictate and command
So here is my suggestion
To improve your orchard gains
Go sharpen up your secateurs
And sell off all the canes
A Cautionary Tale
Upon one dark and stormy night when all good souls were sleeping
An opportunist thief around the orchard shed came creeping
He’d stripped the avocado trees of all the fruit in reach
And now he gently eased the bolt in case the door should creak
A four wheel drive was neatly parked, a tractor snug beside
‘The fool has even left the keys,’ the sneering burglar cried
He quickly tossed the bags of avocados in the tray
And chuckled to himself as he prepared to drive away
Annoyed, the thief discovered that the driver’s door was stuck
So he crawled in through the window on the far side of the truck
He rapidly became entangled in a heap of wires
With loops of alkathene and clips and pruning shears and pliers
At last, upon the driver’s seat, he sat and turned the key
As a cloud of evil smoke billowed up between his knees
He coughed and spluttered as with grinding screech he changed the gear
As he reversed he checked to see the way behind was clear
All he saw was duct tape where the mirrors had been cracked
His foot went through a rusty patch as from the shed he backed
The thief drove out upon the road and noticed with a sigh
The fuel gauge sat on Empty while the temperature said High
From the seat behind him came a sudden rumbling growl
As Bess the guard dog did her stuff; the thief let out a howl
He staggered down the road with Bess in hot pursuit behind
And vowed to make some easy cash, another way he’d find
He left the avocados that he’d taken from the tree
By the state of that old ute the farmer needs them more than me!
A Fairy Tale
Sleeping Beauty lay bewitched
Behind a wall of thorns
Until a handsome prince kissed her awake
One sparkling morn
This has to be a fairy tale
Let’s put the matter straight
About that young and handsome prince
And Sleeping Beauty’s fate
Imagine ranks of climbing roses
Sprawling out of reach
That wall of thorns for starters
Would take a week to breach
Without strong gloves and secataurs
He wouldn’t have a hope
But with a shining sword in hand
That has to be a joke
Scratched and bleeding
Clothing ripped and torn, a sorry sight
He’d stagger slowly homewards
As the day turned into night
No gentle kiss to wake his miss
Instead he’d sigh and groan
Collapse upon his welcome bed
And spend the night alone
When morning came he’d stretch and yawn
And view the wall anew
No gardener he, no joy to see
Those thorns bedecked with dew
Instead he’d ride away to find
Another maiden fair
While Sleeping Beauty slumbered on
He’d climb Rapunzel’s hair!
A Little List
The kiwifruit is harvested and now I can't resist
The opportunity to sit and make a little list
Of people I can't tolerate and things that really irritate
I've put them on my list
Yes, they all are on my list
There's the young man on the telly who predicts a hurricane
And the pickers who don't show for work, or if they do, complain
And the blokes who drive the tractors in a frenzy quite insane
I've put them on my list
Yes, they all are on my list
There's the forklift driver terrorizing all on his terrain
The guy with Early Start who celebrates it with champagne
And the pack shed guy who calls a halt to picking once again
I've put them on my list
Yes, they all are on my list
There's the contractor who's too flat out to spray my fruit for stain
And the testers who take fruit from darned near every single cane
And the marketers who make rules they're unable to explain
I've put them on my list
Yes, they all are on my list
Do other growers find the harvest season such a pain?
We work like dogs and at the end what do we really gain?
I'm off to start the winter prune despite the driving rain
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And the early morning mist
Though I'd rather go get a cup of tea!
A Lot of Bull
The freezer was empty, we needed some meat
So we chose the best beast that we wanted to eat
On Wednesday the butcher arrived at the shed
Got out of his truck with his gun and he said
I’ll try for a shot. He reached for his gun
The bull took one look and started to run
He ran round the paddock, the men giving chase
Yelling and cursing and red in the face
They sprinted through fences, they jumped over logs
Sweating and swearing and panting like dogs
The bull at last cornered they thankfully stopped
As the butcher reached down for the gun he had dropped
And as he took aim with the bull standing still
The wretched beast leaped one more time down the hill
I’ll stop it, called David and started to run
As a sharp crack ran out from the butcher’s big gun
Like Lomu, his hero, with one mighty shove
He pushed at the bull on the hillside above
Alas, David tripped and he fell with a splat
With the bull right on top of him squashing him flat
The butcher, his boy, the farm worker as well
All ran to the place where the mighty bull fell
Pulling it off with a heave and a groan
They then turned to David who started to moan
Lynne to the rescue arrived with a truck
Put it into reverse on the track where it stuck
Clary the neighbour was next to appear
He leapt in the truck and he put it in gear
They raced to the doctor, the ambulance came
David said bravely ‘There isn’t much pain
The only thing is that my leg’s very sore
Where they hit it while opening the ambulance door.
Many hours later with x-rays and such
They fitted him up with a cast and a crutch
Do not try walking around yet, they said.
We’ll let you go home if you go straight to bed.
So pass me a glass and make sure that it’s full
Help me to drink to this great load of bull
A Stressful Time
I have so much to do I thought I’d better make a list
Of all the jobs at harvest time that just cannot be missed
First a phone call to the pack shed – will the bins be here today?
Another to the contractor to organise the spray
I must get staples for my gun and packs of gloves and hats
I’ll get the wife to clean the toilet – I’m not doing that!
I’ll diesel up the tractor and hitch up the trailers too
And fill the disinfectant sprays for all the workers’ shoes
I’d better grease the forklift and haul