“I told you…she’s not my girlfriend. It’s nothing serious.” For a moment she wondered if he might actually kiss her. Instead he sat straighter, and in his eyes she saw the attraction he felt for her. “Maggie, would you mind if I called you sometime?”
Even before she answered yes she knew that if she started dating Ben Stovall there would be no turning back. Her heart was drawn to him in every way that mattered, and whoever else she might meet in years to come would forever pale in comparison. The sermon lesson that night had been on fighting the good fight and persevering, on believing that God had a plan for His people, if they would only seek Him in love and truth.
Maggie felt like he was speaking directly to Ben and her.
Then why do you want to divorce him?
The voice came out of nowhere, breaking through her memories, and Maggie jerked backward, closing her eyes. She wasn’t ready to return to reality, to psychiatric hospitals, and to seven long years of lies and a marriage that was supposed to last forever but was about to end.
She wanted to stay in that distant place for as long as possible, live again in that time when everything about the two of them was exactly what it should be, when plans God had for them were clearer than the evening summer sky over Cleveland.
There was silence in the doctor’s office for a moment, and Dr. Camas finally cleared his throat. “Is this a stopping point for you, Maggie, or do you want to keep on? I have time.”
If only that were where the story ended…
“No, that’s enough.”
Her heart was racing, and she gripped the edges of her seat so she wouldn’t run out of the office, tear down the hallways, and burst out the doors to freedom. She didn’t want to deal with the truth, the fact that she had done more than lie to Ben over the years. Sadly, she had lied to herself, too. Tears came hard and fast, making it difficult to breathe without sobbing.
Help me, God. Give me strength
Weeping may remain for the night, but joy will come in the morning…
She caught her breath. What was that last part? Joy? In the surprisingly comfortable silence Maggie pondered the thought and realized something she hadn’t before. That’s what had been missing: joy. A sinking feeling lodged itself in her stomach. It won’t come in the morning, not for me. I’m stuck forever in the weeping night.
Dr. Camas leaned over and slid a box of tissues closer to her. “There you go. It’s okay to cry, Maggie. Crying is good. It means you’re getting ready to deal with the issues at hand.”
Crying? Had she been crying all this time? She ran her fingertips over her cheeks and found them dripping with tears. This was the second time she’d cried without knowing it. Even here, under the care of a kind and gentle psychiatrist and with antianxiety medicine coursing through her veins, Maggie was losing it.
The thought was discouraging and frightening, particularly because somehow she knew it meant she was closer to the truth than before. Terrifyingly close. Maggie took two tissues and dabbed at her face. “I can’t do this anymore, doctor. I’m sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry about. It was a good session. I think we’re headed in the right direction.”
Maggie feared the direction they were headed, the direction of honesty. She had kept herself miles from the truth since the day she and Ben married—since before that even. And now here she was walking backward in time, hurtling toward the place where she would have to reckon with her past. And with it, every demon and monster and vestige of blackness that had tormented her over the years.
In that moment, it was all much more than Maggie was ready to take.
Ten
THE DRIVE FROM LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT TO Santa Maria was beautiful, oak trees draped in mild fall colors, foot-high grass blowing gently over the rolling hills. For most of the way, the Pacific Ocean lay sprawled on Ben’s left and more than once he was tempted to pull over, to find a place alone on a rock and stare out to sea. He needed to talk with God but since he wanted to get to Santa Maria before nine o’clock, he held his conversation in the car.
Where had he gone wrong? He asked God over and over, and each time he felt the same thoughts fill his head: Love deeply. Love covers a multitude of sins.
Ben tried, but he could not make sense of the Scripture in light of what was happening. Who had sinned? Had Maggie done something crazy? Was she seeing someone else on the side? Ben almost laughed out loud. It was impossible. She was a committed Christian, a woman who had saved herself and been a virgin bride. A woman who had loved him the way he loved her—completely—since the day they first met.
Ben remembered that meeting and felt tears sting his eyes. He blinked hard and forced them back. He needed to concentrate, not fall apart. Of course Maggie wasn’t having an affair. So what is it, Lord? Why that Scripture?
Love covers a multitude of sins, My son. Love deeply.
Ben stared ahead in the distance and barely noticed the way the sun shimmered on the ocean. It would be twilight soon, and again he was drawn to pull over and get out. Maybe rail at God for letting this happen or cry out loud at the top of his lungs. He did love deeply, and look where it got him! His wife was losing her mind, locked up in a mental hospital and refusing his phone calls and visits. What good had loving deeply ever done for him?
Love as I have loved you…
A twinge of something that resembled fear struck a chord on the keyboard of Ben’s mind. Why did it feel like God had something against him? This was Maggie’s fault, the whole mess. He would be patient, of course. If there were secrets, he was willing to uncover them and then forgive her, whatever it was. So what did God mean by implying he hadn’t really loved Maggie?
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, wrestling with the still small voice through Cambria and Lompoc and finally into Santa Maria. It was quarter to nine when Ben pulled up in front of the Johnson house.
Maggie’s mother must have heard his car because she appeared at the door wearing wool slacks and a sweater, her hair pulled back severely in the familiar bun. Ben climbed out of the rented car and made his way up the walkway. The Johnson home was modest and the result of good planning on the part of Maggie’s father. Since his death, Madeline Johnson had lived here alone with her memories, connected not to people but to a host of charitable organizations and busy work. Ben hadn’t told her what was happening with Maggie, only that there was a problem and he needed to see her immediately.
“Good evening, Ben.” She nodded curtly, making no effort to hug him. Instead she stepped back and gestured for him to come inside. When they were seated in the living room, she sat stiffly her hands folded, and sighed. “I’m not sure I understand why you’re here. But whatever it is it must be important.” She hesitated, almost as if she did not want to ask the next question. “Is everything okay with Maggie?”
For the first time since meeting Maggie’s mother, Ben wished they had a closer relationship. His parents had gone back to Africa after he and his brothers were grown, so they had little contact. It would have been comforting if only this one time he could break down in front of this woman and know he would have her care and support. But since that wasn’t the case, he drew a deep breath and pondered how best to explain the situation. “Maggie’s had a breakdown.”
Madeline angled her head sharply and frowned. “A what? What type of breakdown?”
Weakness, perceived or otherwise, was something Maggie’s mother hated. She wore the look of someone who had caught a whiff of week-old trash.
Help me here, Lord. I need to make her understand how important this is.
“What I mean is, Maggie’s taken some time off work…she’s at a facility…a place where they help people figure out what’s wrong. Do you understand what I’m saying, Mrs. Johnson?”
Madeline’s face lost some of its color, but otherwise there was not a flicker of emotion. “Maggie’s at a psychiatric hospital? Is that what you mean?”
Ben nodded. “She’s not been well. Things…t
hey’ve been getting worse over the last few years.”
“She never mentioned a word to me…” Madeline huffed softly, clearly indignant that her only child wouldn’t have trusted her with such information.
“Well, Mrs. Johnson, she didn’t say much to me about it either. A few days ago the state took the twin foster boys out of our home, and then yesterday Maggie checked herself into the hospital.”
Ben thought about telling her how Maggie was refusing contact with him, but he decided against it. He didn’t want to give her any reason to be less than honest with him about the questions he needed to ask.
“Is that why you’ve come?” Madeline leaned slightly back into the sofa as though it pained her to relax even a little.
“No…I mean, yes. The truth is Maggie keeps alluding to the fact that I don’t really know her.”
Ben was studying her closely, watching for signs that Maggie’s mother might understand more about her daughter than she’d ever let on to him—and for a fraction of an instant there was a flicker in her eyes. A knowing look, as though Maggie’s comment hadn’t come as a surprise at all. Ben felt a surge of hope.
She knows something. Come on, Madeline, clue me in here.
“I’m sorry, Ben.” Madeline’s face softened some. “This must be very hard for both of you. I wish Maggie’s father were still alive. He…he always knew how to talk to her.”
They were veering off track. “Listen, I’m here because I think you can help me make sense of what Maggie’s saying. She wrote me a letter, too…before she went to the hospital.” A lump appeared in Ben’s throat and he had to swallow hard before he could continue. “She said something about having lied to me.”
Madeline Johnson sat perfectly still.
“So…I’m trying to find out the truth, whatever it is.”
Madeline stood in a rush of motion and waved one hand in Ben’s direction. “Well, young man, I’m afraid you’ve wasted your time. I don’t have the slightest idea what Maggie’s talking about.” She made her way into the kitchen and returned with two cups of coffee. She handed one to Ben, black like he drank it. “Have you and Maggie prayed about this issue, whatever it is?”
Ben sighed and let his head fall gently into his hands. He rubbed his temples searching for the right words. “I think we’re past that at this point.”
“Past prayer?” Madeline shot him a disapproving look. “I didn’t think there was such a thing.”
Help me, Lord… “Of course not…not in that sense. It’s just that Maggie’s really hurting right now, and I have to find out what she means. What did she lie about?” He paused. “My guess is it’s something relatively minor, like maybe she hasn’t wanted to live in Cleveland all these years…or she doesn’t want to work for the paper anymore…something like that.” Liar! A voice in his mind taunted. You think she’s seeing another man. Admit it. “Whatever it is, it’s eating her up. It’s destroying her, Mrs. Johnson, and if you can help me at all…”
The older woman set down her coffee cup, and again Ben thought he caught a hint of fear in her eyes. “It’s destroying her?”
“Yes. To be perfectly honest, I think the hospital is worried she might kill herself.”
This time Maggie’s mother felt the blow. Her eyes filled with tears, and though she remained utterly still and dignified, Ben could see her heart breaking.
“Things have changed since I was a girl…”
Ben waited. Wherever she was headed, he had a feeling he was close…close to getting the information he so desperately needed.
“In my day, a young woman would never have allowed herself to become so self-absorbed. After all, God’s given her a—” she motioned toward him and glanced his direction—“an upstanding Christian husband. In my day that would have been enough. A woman would have known to let dead dogs lay, not dredge up the past for strangers to sift through and analyze looking for answers. My goodness!” Madeline raised her voice a level. “Maggie has everything a girl could possibly hope for. And I’m sure one of these days God was planning to give her the babies she wants. Why can’t she leave well enough alone?”
Ben didn’t do or say anything to stop the woman. Keep talking, Madeline. Keep talking. “Maybe whatever it is seems too big to leave alone.”
Madeline shook her head and stared into her coffee cup. “Times have changed.”
“Mrs. Johnson, remember when Maggie and I fell out of touch there for a year or so? Before we were married?”
The expression on Madeline’s face changed again, and Ben had the oddest feeling the older woman was steeling herself against something inevitable. She stared hard at him. “Yes…she was devastated.”
Ben felt the dig. Is this it, Lord? Did something happen while we were apart? A ripple of fear skittered down his spine, and he felt almost sure they were treading on a hidden layer of information that would lend insight to Maggie’s madness. After all, it had been the darkest year of his life, too.
“Maggie never said much about that time.” Ben searched for the right words. “Do you know if—”
“His name was John.” Her words spilled out, pouring forth information as if she couldn’t bear to hold it in another minute. “John McFadden.”
Ben felt his world tilt crazily. “What?”
At his whispered exclamation, Madeline lifted her coffee cup once more and took a long sip, leveling her gaze at Ben. “Maggie dated John quite seriously for several months that year. She didn’t tell you?”
What is she talking about? Maggie hadn’t dated anyone else, ever. Was this the lie? Had it been that easy to discover her secret? “No…she never mentioned him.”
Whoever he was it couldn’t have been serious. Maggie had been in love with Ben before meeting this John McFadden, and after Ben was finally able to work his life out, Maggie had married him, not the other man. Whoever John McFadden was, Maggie couldn’t possibly have cared much for him. But then why did she lie to me, Lord?
Madeline seemed anxious to take control of the conversation. “Ben, you broke Maggie’s heart when you stopped calling. John had been pursuing her for months and that summer the two of them spent…” She paused, clearly searching for the right words. “They spent a lot of time together. Her father and I did not approve.”
Ben’s head was still spinning. He could understand Maggie dating someone else, but someone her parents didn’t approve of? “Was he a Christian?”
“Definitely not. He was popular and handsome, and in some ways he reminded us of you. Except that he made a mockery of Maggie’s faith.”
The truth sealed heavily on Ben’s heart. “I don’t understand. Maggie would never have been attracted to someone who wasn’t…” He let his voice drift.
“She wasn’t exactly herself after you disappeared. Like I said, she was very hurt.”
Obviously Maggie’s mother blamed him. It had been Ben’s fault back then, therefore it was Ben’s fault now. He had made one bad decision in the spring of 1992 and as a result he had lost touch with Maggie for more than a year. Now, eight years later, he was supposed to believe Maggie’s choice to date this John McFadden was the reason she had suffered a nervous breakdown?
The pieces didn’t add up.
“Is that all? Did anything bad happen between them? I mean…” Ben couldn’t bear to ask the questions that poked at his mind, but he had to know. “He didn’t hurt her or do anything against her will, did he?” He knew Maggie well enough to know she would never have allowed John McFadden or any man to touch her before her wedding night.
But that didn’t mean she hadn’t been…
“She was not raped, if that’s what you mean.” Ben was shocked that Maggie’s mother would speak so bluntly, but he was thankful all the same.
He exhaled slowly and realized he’d been holding his breath. “I guess I’m still a little confused.”
Madeline crossed her legs and glanced nervously at her hands. “I’m not sure I should tell you this…but if Maggie is really th
at bad…” She folded her fingers together on her lap and Ben could see they were shaking. “Maybe you have a right to the information.”
Not more lies. Lord, give me strength. “Go ahead, Mrs. Johnson, please.”
“John McFadden still lives in Cleveland. Your area, actually. I believe he runs a bar on the south side. Topper’s…something like that.”
Ben struggled to make sense of all Madeline had told him. “Why would you still know that?”
“I could be wrong. But last time I was in Cleveland I saw an ad someplace and noticed his name. He’s been there quite a while.”
“Is there something else, anything you’re not telling me?” Ben had the feeling there was. Come on, Lord, make her talk to me.
“I’ve told you all I know. Anything else you’d need to get from John. But I’m warning you…he’s not a nice man. I think he’s into some very nasty things, illegal things. Be careful.”
Ben’s mind raced. “How would you know that unless Maggie had told you?” Had she kept in touch with the man? And why hadn’t she ever mentioned him? The whole thing was crazy.
“Maggie’s father kept tabs on him. He threatened Maggie more than once, and Mr. Johnson liked to know where he was, what he was doing. Just in case.”
“Just in case what?”
“I’m not sure. Maggie’s father had a bad feeling about the man.”
Ben wished there were some way he could blink and wind up back in Cleveland. He wanted to visit Maggie’s old boyfriend before another fifteen minutes passed.
Patience, My son. Love covers a multitude of sins…
The voice that spoke to his heart calmed his trembling and helped him deal with the situation at hand. “That’s all, then?”
Madeline drew a lengthy breath. “Yes. This thing Maggie’s dealing with, I have a feeling it might be connected to John McFadden.”
It had gotten late, and Ben accepted Madeline’s offer of the guestroom and a full breakfast in the morning. Before he left, she studied his face. “Tell Maggie I’m praying for her. And whatever you find out, Ben…try to understand. Maggie would never have given John McFadden a second glance if you hadn’t left her.”