Forgave me, Father. Forgive me…
She hung her head, pouring her heart out to the Lord, begging His forgiveness and promising to be honest with Him and herself and everyone else as long as she drew breath.
Then, one at a time, she confessed the lies she’d told—lies to herself, lies to Ben, and lies to the Lord—until finally she repented of the one she’d just told. And then, just before breakfast, she did something else…some thing she’d been wanting to do since she checked herself in at Orchards.
She pulled a small phone book from her purse and turned to the T section. There it was. Laura Thompson. Wrapping her robe tightly around her waist, Maggie carried the book into the hall, toward the community phone, and made the call.
“Hello?”
Maggie closed her eyes, squeezing back tears. Help me find the words, Lord. “Laura…this is Maggie Stovall. I should have called you sooner…”
“Maggie, dear! I’ve been praying.” The woman’s voice was pure and filled with such love that Maggie almost went to her knees again.
She’s been praying for me all along, hasn’t she, Lord? His love, His provision, overwhelmed her. “If you have a minute, Laura, I have some things to tell you…things I’d like you to pray about…”
“I’m listening, honey. Tell me whatever’s on your heart.”
Maggie poured out the entire story, amazed that there was cleansing in every word she spoke. Laura listened and Maggie could feel her concern and understanding through the phone lines.
“So that’s why I needed prayer.” Maggie was grateful for the older woman, certain that along with everything else God had done, He’d blessed her with a lifelong friend in Laura Thompson.
“Well, I finally understand the mask.”
“The mask?”
“Yes, dear.” There was no condemnation in Laura’s voice. “The Lord gave me a picture that first day, the day I drew your name. A woman in a mask.”
Goose bumps rose on Maggie’s arms. “Me?”
“Yes. And the image of a little girl, too. Your little girl, I’m guessing. When I pray for you, I pray for her, too.”
“Oh, Laura…I don’t know what to say…” Maggie closed her eyes briefly. It’s all coming together, Lord. Was the arm of God that far-reaching? His love that persistent? Had He cared so much that He’d put Maggie’s deepest needs in the heart of Laura Thompson? I stand in awe, Father.
Maggie made plans to talk with Laura again soon. And after she hung up, Maggie was engulfed by a peace so vivid she could almost feel it wiping away what remained of the darkness. The older woman’s words of hope and encouragement rang clear in her mind.
I’m sorry, Lord…so sorry. I want to be close to You again, clean and right and ready to do Your will.
Daughter, I have loved you with an everlasting love…I will remember your sins no more.
“Oh, Lord, you’re so faithful.” Maggie hung her head as the words flooded her heart with peace—and with the beginning of what Maggie knew was joy. Joy of knowing she was a daughter of the King of kings, joy of being saved by His precious blood, joy of being certain that one day she would live with Him in heaven, eternally. Deep, abiding, genuine joy. And once it had taken root in her heart, Maggie knew it would continue growing until the darkness was gone forever.
Forgiveness, wholeness, restoration…they all were hers. Even if she ached a lifetime for the daughter she would almost certainly never know.
Twenty-nine
IT WAS NOON, AND THE COMMOTION AT PARTY PIZZA WAS AT A fever pitch. Picnic tables lined the dining room where mothers, preschoolers, and the occasional older child gathered for lunch.
Ben ordered a large Hawaiian pizza as he took in the scene and tried not to be nervous. Kathy was picking Amanda up at school fifteen minutes before lunch, so the two would be there any moment.
He’d been thinking about Amanda Joy since the moment he’d learned of her existence. Would she look like Maggie? Would her eyes twinkle when she laughed? What would her personality be like? Probably jaded from years in the Social Services system…
For what had to be the hundredth time in the past twenty hours, he wondered how different all of their lives might have been if only Maggie had been honest.
Judge not, lest you be judged…. Love covers a multitude of sins.
The sting of conviction came, as it always did lately, every time he tried to blame Maggie for what happened. He planted his forearms on the table and exhaled slowly. The Lord was right. Back then he would never have understood. He would have written Maggie off, broken up with her without looking back. There would have been no getting together again, no engagement, no marriage.
But even if he and Maggie had parted ways, at least one little girl might have been spared a beating, one child might have known a lifetime of love rather than sorrow.
Ben pushed the thoughts from his head. It wasn’t my fault she got together with John McFadden.
Love covers a multitude of sins…
A sigh escaped him, and Ben massaged his eyebrows with his thumb and forefinger. That same Scripture had haunted him for days now. Weeks, even. Ever since Maggie left, it seemed. What does it mean, Lord? I loved Maggie; I treated her right.
Silence.
Fine. Leave me wondering. But one of these days, Lord, I’m going to need You to make it clear to me.
A blur of motion near the front door caught his eye, and he turned and stared. It was Kathy. And clutching her hand tightly was a beautiful, wide-eyed, blond-haired child, whose face…
Ben sucked in his breath. Oh, man…she looks just like Maggie.
He watched them weave their way closer until they were standing before him. If the girl had come by herself and stood among a throng of children, Ben would have recognized her without any trouble. He’d have known her anywhere. The shape of her eyes, the way she held herself—stiffly, wanting him to think she was tough even though her eyes showed her fear—she was the image of her mother.
Maggie, if you could only see her. Ben had an overwhelming desire to take the child in his arms and soothe away a lifetime of pain and hurt and abandonment. Instead he held out his hand. “Hi, I’m Ben.”
Amanda nodded curtly and gave him a polite smile. “I’m Amanda.” The child still held tightly to the hand of her social worker and after several seconds, Ben pulled his back. It hit him then. Amanda loved this woman, this social worker. In a world of uncertainty, Kathy Garrett had always been there for Maggie’s little girl. Now the child would see him as the intruder, the man who wanted to take her away, maybe forever.
What am I doing, Lord? She’s got a life already. Give me wisdom, please; the child’s been hurt enough.
Kathy had been watching the brief exchange between Ben and Amanda, and now she opened her purse. “Well, you two sit here and get acquainted. I’m going to order pizzas and—”
“No, sit down.” Ben motioned to her. “I ordered a few minutes ago. It’ll be up any minute.”
Amanda and Kathy took their seats beside each other, across from Ben. He noticed how the girl snuggled close to Kathy, how her small eyes had softened just a bit. She looked at Ben with a gaze that didn’t waver. “I like pizza.”
He was taken aback at how her comment made him feel. His heart soared at the small concession—it seemed a white flag of sorts, her way of saying she was going to try to like him. He smiled at her. “Me too.”
Kathy slipped an arm around Amanda’s shoulders and squeezed once. “Listen, I have to use the ladies’ room.”
“Me too! I—”
“Amanda…” Kathy’s tone was part warning, part reminder. Ben wondered if the two had talked about the child needing time alone with him.
Amanda’s face fell and she nodded a slight smile in Kathy’s direction. “Okay I’ll go later.”
Great Kathy’s leaving. What am I supposed to say? What do seven-year-old girls like to talk about? He studied her face, and the image of Maggie was so vivid he had to blink to focus his th
oughts. “So, tell me about school.”
“It’s fine.” Amanda’s gaze followed Kathy until she was out of sight. Then she turned to him, her eyes veiled in uncertainty.
Off to a good start… Fine. If she wasn’t in the mood to talk, he’d make up for both of them. And maybe, just maybe…“Okay, so tell me about the class pet. I mean, everyone in second grade has a class pet, right?” Before Amanda could answer, Ben cocked his head. “Let’s see, I think our class had a monkey when I was in school. No, wait. That was the teacher. She just looked like a monkey…”
Amanda giggled and a twinkle—Maggie’s twinkle—brought a spark of life to her eyes. “We have a goldfish.”
“A goldfish?” Ben’s voice was filled with mock indignation, and Amanda giggled again. “That’s not the right kind of pet for second grade. You need something like a muskrat or a house of rabbits or a giant python. Something the boys can let out of the cage to scare the class half to death, isn’t that right?”
“We have a lizard, too, named Frank.”
“Frank the lizard? Sounds like a very old lizard to me; does he do tricks? Read newspapers, work the computers, that kind of thing?” Ben made his eyes wide, as though he actually suspected Amanda might say yes. This time she let her head fall back and the laughter that spilled from her throat sounded so like Maggie a lump formed in his throat and a wave of sadness washed over Ben. It was Maggie back in the days when they first met…back when she still had something to laugh at. He worked hard to keep his face from reflecting what he was feeling.
“Are you always this goofy?” Amanda leaned forward, resting her thin arms on the table and meeting his gaze.
“What day is it?”
“Wednesday.”
“Yes. On Wednesdays I’m always this goofy. Now Thursdays are my days to sleep a lot, and on Fridays I’m serious nearly all the time. But on the weekend…well, then I’m actually extra-goofy. Sometimes I tell knock-knock jokes for an hour straight. Especially on Saturday.”
Amanda’s eyes danced with laughter. “Tell me one.”
“A knock-knock joke?” Ben made his eyes wide again. “On Wednesday?”
“Yes!” Amanda’s laughter made him smile. “Please…”
“Well, since we just met and you’ve never been with me for a Saturday knock-knock joke hour, I guess just this one time…” He thought a moment. “Knock-knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Boo.”
“Boo who?”
The silliness faded from Ben’s voice. “Ah, that’s okay, Amanda. Don’t cry.” He paused, hoping with all his heart that she could see he was no longer joking. “Everything’s going to be okay, Amanda Joy. I promise you.”
Her eyes clouded, and her expression grew serious. “Why do you want me, Mr. Stovall?”
She wasn’t afraid to ask the big questions, that much was certain. But then, there wasn’t enough time to make small talk, really. Not if he was going to take over as her foster parent in the next day or so. Ben sighed. How best to answer her? He didn’t want to tell her about Maggie, not yet…not when he had no idea how that news would affect her. Lord…help me.
“Kathy showed me your file and…well, I knew I was going to love you.” That was true, anyway. “I guess it felt like my wife and I have known you all our lives.”
Amanda’s eyes softened again and the hint of a smile played on her lips. “Really?”
“Yep. Kind of like there was always a missing piece before. And now it seems like…” Ben felt his eyes grow watery and he blinked. This was no time to be emotional; Amanda would not understand the significance of the moment. “It seems like we’ve waited all our lives for you.”
The child thought about that for a moment, her small face pensive and earnest. “But you don’t even know me.”
Ben looked into her eyes and saw Maggie looking back at him. His heart swelled with love for this child he’d known only ten minutes, and a smile covered his face. “I know you, Amanda Joy. Better than you think.”
Concern flashed across her face as if she were recalling an awful memory. “I d-d-don’t clean my room very w-w-well, though. Sometimes that gets me in trouble. P-p-people send me back when that happens.”
Ben ached to climb around the booth and take her in his arms. The poor child. What had she suffered over the years? Unable to resist any longer, he reached across the table and wrapped his fingers around hers. Suddenly he knew with everything in him that he could never, ever let this child go. He wanted to promise her that nothing could make him send her back, but he still needed to talk to Maggie.
He drew a deep breath. How could he help her understand his feelings for her? “Amanda, love—the kind of love God wants us to have—doesn’t change because of a messy room. Do you believe me?”
Amanda nodded. “Kathy loves me that way.”
“Did I hear my name?” Kathy walked up, a pizza in one hand and a pitcher of root beer in the other. She grinned as she set both in the center of the table, next to three plastic cups and plates. “Didn’t either of you talkers hear the order come up?”
Ben and Amanda shared a conspiratorial glance, and then the threesome dug into the food. Amanda chattered about different pizzas and knock-knock jokes and classroom pets, while Ben and Kathy exchanged occasional smiles. When the girl was finished eating, she pointed toward the video games and gasped. “Hey, I can’t believe it. Kristen’s here! She must be on lunch break, too.” Amanda flashed a questioning look at Kathy. “Please? Can I go play with her? Just for a few minutes?”
“Well—” Kathy looked at the child’s plate—“I guess so. But hurry. You have to get back to school soon.”
When Amanda was out of earshot, Ben leaned back in the booth and shook his head. “She looks exactly like her mother.” He watched the child talking animatedly with her friend across the dining hall. “I mean, exactly. Nearly took my breath away.”
Kathy folded her hands neatly on the tabletop and studied him. “She likes you.”
“Yeah.” He met Kathy’s gaze again. “The feeling’s mutual. She’s…after all she’s been through, she’s something else.”
“I know.” The social worker’s eyes fell for a moment, then found Ben’s again. “Believe me.”
Ben angled his head. “She loves you very much.”
Kathy looked away and took a sip of her drink.
Something had bothered Ben since he first recognized the attachment Kathy had for Amanda and he figured it was time to ask. “How come you never…”
“How come I didn’t adopt her a long time ago?” Kathy’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. “We have seven children living with us—five by birth, two by adoption. I’ve tried to take Amanda in as a foster child, but every time I petition for her, the court says I’m at my limit. No more children unless we get a bigger house. My husband is in construction, so money isn’t always regular. Moving is out of the question. Any time Amanda is with us is strictly temporary according to court records until a more suitable arrangement can be made.”
The irony of Amanda’s predicament hit him hard. The only reason he and Maggie had a chance to make the girl their own was because the state was unwilling to let Kathy Garrett have her—even after Kathy had invested so much in her. “I’d like to bring Amanda home, short term, anyway. For the weekend, say. That way she wouldn’t miss any school.”
Kathy looked at him thoughtfully “Will you tell her? About her mother, I mean?”
“I’d like to. In fact, I’d like to introduce them this weekend, if everything works out.” His voice softened. “It’s a long shot, I’m afraid.”
“I know it’s none of my business, Mr. Stovall, but what happened?”
“With Maggie?” Ben braced his arms on the bench beside him and took a deep breath. It was such a hard story, especially when he had only learned the details so recently himself. “There’s a lot to it. Basically, back before we were married, we were apart for a year or so, and she got pregnant. By the time we g
ot back together, she’d already given Amanda up. She told me she was a virgin, and until a month ago I didn’t know anything about the baby.”
“How’d you find out?” Kathy asked.
“When Maggie checked herself into the hospital she left me a note saying we were finished, that she wanted a divorce. She…they were worried she might be suicidal.” He clenched his teeth, not sure if he was saying too much. Her eyes caught his and the compassion there encouraged him to continue. “She told me I never really knew her. Since then she’s refused my letters, phone calls. Everything.”
Kathy’s eyebrows lowered in concern. “A psychiatric hospital?”
Ben sighed. “Doesn’t sound very Christian, does it?”
He caught a momentary flash of concern in her eyes. When she spoke, her tone was firm. “Do you know how many Christians suffer from depression, Mr…. Ben? We’ve all convinced ourselves that believers aren’t supposed to wrestle with darkness or hard times. And nothing—absolutely nothing—could be further from the truth.”
Ben leaned back, frowning. Is it true, God? Are there other women like Maggie? Women in the church? “No one ever knew…she didn’t…she always seemed so happy.”
The expression on Kathy’s face softened. “They all do, especially when they know the rejection they’d face otherwise.” She stirred the straw in her soft drink. “You’d be surprised how many people wear masks to church.”
What was she saying? “So you mean it’s a good thing, this hospital stay?”
Kathy smiled. “I know it’s hard to understand, but many times depression comes from a chemical imbalance. Stress, other factors in life become too hard to handle and the body’s chemistry is thrown off. When that happens, nothing but medication will set things right again. Even if it’s only temporary.”
Medication? Ben hadn’t thought of that—his Maggie being on drugs to get through life. “It seems so…I don’t know, worldly, I guess. Shouldn’t prayer be enough?”
Kathy’s shoulders lifted in a gentle shrug. “Lots of people would say the medicine available today is an answer to prayer.” She paused. “It seems your Maggie is where she needs to be. The bigger question is whether she’ll want to see Amanda.”