“We’re looking for Murdock,” said X-Ray.
“You found him.”
He was a black man with gray hair and a gray beard. His apron was splattered with grease and barbecue sauce.
“X-Ray?”
“Yeah, and this is my partner, Armpit.”
Murdock laughed at the name. “Armpit, huh? I used to know a dude who called himself Burnt Toast. He played the slide trombone. You play an instrument, Armpit?”
Armpit wanted to tell him about the scorpion but instead just shook his head.
“Let me see the tickets?”
Armpit felt a little worried as he handed the tickets over the glass case. There wasn’t a whole lot they could do if Murdock decided just to keep them.
Murdock looked them over. “Row M. Not bad. Two hundred and seventy, right?”
“That’s right,” said X-Ray. “And you’re getting a bargain.”
“Well, I don’t know about that,” said Murdock. “But I only get to see my daughter one weekend a month, so I gotta make the most of it. When she heard Kaira DeLeon was going to be playing, it was all she could talk about. Hey, Wiley, you ever listen to Kaira DeLeon?”
“Who?” asked one of the few customers in the place.
“Kaira DeLeon.”
“Never heard a her.”
Wiley wore a Harley T-shirt and had tattoos up and down both arms.
“Go punch E-4,” Murdock told him. “See if she don’t knock your socks off.” He turned his attention back to X-Ray. “I really do appreciate you boys coming all the way down here. When it’s your own business, you got to stay on top of it twenty-four hours a day. I do it all: cook, wash dishes, you name it.”
Armpit was still waiting for either the money or Murdock to return the tickets.
Wiley fumbled with the jukebox. He was a big guy, and Armpit would not want to have to try to deal with him and Murdock.
“Can I get you something to eat?” Murdock asked. “On the house.”
“Chopped-beef sandwich,” X-Ray answered right away.
“How ’bout you, Armpit?”
He was more concerned about the money than he was about food. “The same,” he said.
“You like your sauce hot or mild?” Murdock asked.
“Mild,” said X-Ray.
“Armpit?”
“The same.”
Kaira’s voice filled the restaurant.
I’m not the kinda girl who’s apt to . . .
Settle down.
No, I’m the kinda girl who likes to . . .
Get around.
Murdock brought the sandwiches over to the cash register. He opened it, then took out two hundred and seventy dollars, which he gave to X-Ray, along with his sandwich.
Armpit felt bad about not trusting him.
I see you lookin’ at me
the way you do . . .
Just hold on!
a little longer.
Just hold on!
a little bit longer.
Hold on, baby
just a little bit longer
’Cause I’ll get around to you!
Murdock laughed. “Man, don’t you just love her?”
“She’s all right,” said Wiley.
“So what do you want to drink?” Murdock asked X-Ray.
Next to the cash register was a large metal bucket filled with ice and soft drinks.
“Root beer,” said X-Ray.
Murdock looked at Armpit. “Let me guess. The same?”
Armpit shrugged.
“Does he tell you when to go to the bathroom, too?”
Armpit smiled and sheepishly shrugged.
And now that you got me . . .
in your arms,
Ooh, I feel so . . .
soft and warm.
There’s only one thing
I want to say . . .
Armpit bit into his sandwich. He’d eaten a lot of barbecue in his life, but this might have been the very best. Of course, that might have had something to do with the fact that he now had all his money back, and then some.
Just hold on!
a little longer.
Just hold on!
a little bit longer.
Hold on, baby,
just a little bit longer
And then I’ll be on my way.
12
X-Ray sold four more tickets to a couple of high school students from Westlake, and just like that, Armpit had another two hundred and seventy dollars. He was up three hundred dollars, and there were still two tickets left, which would mean another hundred and thirty-five for him.
The final two ruler-of-the-world campaign speeches were given Thursday morning. The second-to-last speech was given by Claire, Tatiana’s friend, who brought Dumbo the Elephant.
“. . . so all the other elephants made fun of him, but then he got drunk and ended up in a tree, and these birds sang to him. And then his mouse friend said he could fly because of a magic feather. . . .”
“Yeah, I’ve seen the movie,” a boy in back said, but Claire just continued.
“I used to love that movie!” Armpit heard Tatiana whisper. He wondered if she still planned to vote for Coo.
The last speech, given by Robbie Kinkaid, was for an armadillo name Joe. Robbie obviously made up the speech as he went along, including the name of his armadillo.
“This is an armadillo, I think. You can vote for him if you want. His name is . . . Joe. Joe the Armadillo. He’s brown, and has four legs, and this shell thingy. . . .”
Then came the vote.
Everyone had to write down his or her first and second choices.
Joe the Armadillo won, and Dumbo was elected vice ruler of the world. If for any reason Joe was unable to fulfill his obligations, Dumbo would take over.
Armpit tried not to let his disappointment show. After all, it was just a stupid assignment, and people just voted for the only ones they could remember.
“I’m sorry Coo didn’t win,” Tatiana said to him after class. She placed her hand on his arm as she said it.
“No biggie.”
“You gave the best speech,” she told him, her hand still there.
“It would have made Ginny happy.”
“She’s your sister?”
“My neighbor.”
“That’s right. She has leukemia?”
“Cerebral palsy.”
Armpit wondered if Tatiana had forgotten her hand was there, but if she had, he wasn’t about to remind her. Her fingernails were painted green. Her perfume smelled like cantaloupe.
“Say, listen,” he said. “Do you like Kaira DeLeon?”
She squeezed his arm. “‘Red Alert!’ I love that song.”
“You want to go to the concert on Saturday?”
She bit her lip. “You mean with you?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah?” he asked, just to make sure.
She smiled. “Yeah.”
By the time economics was over, Armpit had convinced himself that X-Ray had already sold the last two tickets and that he was going to have to buy two from a scalper for fifteen hundred dollars. He could hear X-Ray’s voice in his head. “Seven hundred and fifty dollars—each.”
When the bell rang he bolted out of his seat and hurried to the office, where he asked the secretary if he could use the phone. She seemed sympathetic, but it was against school policy. Apparently not the principal, the superintendent, or even the president of the United States could change school policy.
Where was Joe the Armadillo when you needed him?
He left the office and spotted Matt Kapok, a skinny white guy from his economics class. Matt was probably the only student in his class who was taking summer school because he wanted to, not because he had to.
“Matt!” Armpit shouted as he charged toward him. “You got fifty cents? I’m desperate, man!”
Matt backed up against a row of lockers as he took his wallet out of his back pocket. “Uh, su
re. Here.” He held out a dollar, but it dropped out of his hand before Armpit could take it.
As Armpit bent down to pick it up, Matt sidestepped him and quickly disappeared around the corner.
“I’ll pay you back!” Armpit called after him, but didn’t know if Matt heard him.
He went back to the office, where the secretary gave him four quarters for the dollar, then went to the pay phone and called X-Ray.
“You sell the last two tickets?”
“Not to worry, not to worry,” X-Ray said in a soothing voice.
“Have you sold them!”
“Look, you got to—”
“Yes or no?”
“Not yet, but—”
“Don’t!”
“Wait a second. Who are you, and what have you done with Armpit?”
Armpit told him about Tatiana. “She had her hand on my arm, and with her perfume and everything, I couldn’t think straight.”
“Was she the one I saw you talkin’ to that time? Strange hair, goofy smile?”
“Yeah.”
“She’s pretty cute.”
“I’ll pay you a hundred and thirty-five for the two tickets,” said Armpit. “That woulda been your share if you sold them.”
A hundred and thirty-five seemed like a bargain. He was relieved not to have to pay fifteen hundred.
“Man, that girl’s really gotten to you,” said X-Ray. “Look, they’re your tickets. You don’t have to buy them twice!” He laughed. “That musta been some perfume!”
13
“Well, that’s the way it goes,” Ginny said when Armpit told her that Coo didn’t win. They were taking their daily walk around the block.
“What they should have done,” said Armpit, “is write down all the candidates’ names on a ballot. The problem was nobody remembered any of the speeches.”
“Well, that’s the way it goes,” Ginny said again.
Her face twitched as she said it, and Armpit didn’t know if that was due to her disability or if she was trying not to cry.
“But hey, I got an A on my speech,” he said. “Thanks to Coo.” He smiled. “Of course, it doesn’t hurt that Coach Simmons thinks I’ll be going out for football.”
“Like how Mrs. R-Randsinkle g-gave m-me an A in art,” said Ginny.
Mrs. Randsinkle had been her teacher last year.
“And I c-c-couldn’t even c-c-color inside the l-lines.”
Armpit noticed that Ginny stuttered more when she talked about school.
“Well, you know, art’s not just about coloring in the lines,” said Armpit. “It’s about creativity. Putting your soul on the paper. You’re good at that.”
“No, she just felt sorry for me. She w-w-wished I w-wasn’t in her class. She’s afraid of my s-seizures.”
Armpit would have liked to tell her that wasn’t true, but he knew it probably was. Ginny had enough problems without him telling her she was wrong. “Well, they are kind of scary,” he said. “But I bet there’s a lot she liked about you too. You’re a very thoughtful and caring person.”
Ginny’s arm was raised, but this time she noticed it herself and lowered it.
“Oh, I didn’t tell you! I asked a girl to go to the Kaira DeLeon concert with me.”
Ginny covered her gaping mouth with her hand. From behind it, she asked, “What’d she say?”
“She said yeah.”
Ginny giggled.
“What’s so funny?”
“The w-way y-you l-look.”
“How do I look?”
“All dreamy-eyed.” She giggled some more. “What’s her name?” she asked in a teasing kind of voice.
“Tatiana.”
Ginny giggled.
“What?”
“The way you said it.”
“How did I say it?”
“Tati-ahna.”
“Tatiana,” said Armpit, trying to sound normal.
“Tati-ahna,” said Ginny. “Is she pretty?”
“Yeah, but in a different kind of way. It’s like that Kaira DeLeon song ‘Imperfection’? You know?” He sang: “You reflect on your reflection. But you will never see. Your imperfection is your finest quality.”
Ginny laughed. He wasn’t a very good singer.
“She’s cute because of all her imperfections,” Armpit explained.
“I knew it!” said Ginny. “I smelled her p-perfume on Coo.”
Armpit remembered Tatiana had hugged Coo.
“Tati-ahna,” teased Ginny.
“I don’t even know if she really likes me,” Armpit said. “I think she’s just a big Kaira DeLeon fan.”
“She likes you,” said Ginny.
“Oh, yeah? How do you know?”
“Because. You’re a v-very thoughtful and caring p-person.”
While Ginny and Armpit were walking around the block, Tatiana was sitting on the floor of Claire’s bedroom, along with their friend Roxanne. They were sharing a bowl of popcorn and drinking diet sodas.
“Aren’t you just a little bit scared?” Roxanne asked.
“No, why should I be?”
Claire and Roxanne looked at each other knowingly.
“He is kind of dangerous,” said Claire.
“Maybe that’s what she likes about him,” said Roxanne. “The danger!”
“He’s a nice guy,” said Tatiana. “He’s sweet.”
“Sweet? He almost killed two people, girl!” Roxanne reminded her.
“Do you know what they called him at Camp Green Lake?” asked Claire.
“Yes, I know,” said Tatiana.
“Armpit!” Claire said. “Out of all those nasty, sweaty guys, he smelled the worst!”
“It was so bad, even the other sweaty guys noticed,” said Roxanne. “And you know guys! It’s gotta stink really bad before they notice.”
“And you really want to sit next to him, in that hot arena, with everyone all jammed close together?” asked Claire.
“He’ll probably put his big, fat, sweaty arm around you,” said Roxanne.
“I like ‘Red Alert!’ ” said Tatiana. “I think it’ll be cool to see Kaira DeLeon sing it in person.”
Armpit stopped in the restroom before school on Friday and splashed his face with cold water. Then he caught up with Tatiana just before she got to class.
“My friend said I could use his car. One of the doors doesn’t open, but at least I got wheels.”
“That’s great,” said Tatiana without looking at him. She entered the classroom and maneuvered her way between the desks. Claire whispered something to her when she sat down, and Tatiana said something back.
Armpit couldn’t hear what they said, but he was able to read Tatiana’s lips. She told Claire to shut up.
He went to work early on Saturday, glad to be doing physical labor so he wouldn’t drive himself crazy thinking about the concert and Tatiana. Hernandez dumped a truckload of dirt in the driveway, and now they mixed it with peat moss before spreading it around the yard.
Better to use a fifty-cent plant and ten-dollar dirt than a ten-dollar plant and fifty-cent dirt. Jack Dunlevy said that all the time.
He got home around four-thirty but didn’t shower right away, or else he’d be all sweaty again by the time he picked up Tatiana. Instead, he went over to Ginny’s.
Ginny’s mother looked all frazzled when she opened the door. “Oh, Theodore, I’m so glad you’re here,” she said. “Ginny’s— It’s my fault. I said something I shouldn’t have.”
Armpit stepped inside. “Ginny, are you okay?”
She sat on the floor, crying while she hugged Coo.
“Ginny, what’s wrong?”
“My d-d-dad . . .” She was unable to continue.
“Did your dad call?”
Her father had left home when she was a baby.
“He l-left because of m-me. B-because of my disa-b-b-bility.”
“That’s not what I said!” said her mother.
“It’s true!” Ginny exclaimed.
“It wasn’t you. It was the whole situation.”
“If I g-get b-b-better, will he c-come h-h-home?”
Ginny’s mom was crying now too.
Armpit sat on the floor next to Ginny. “I didn’t know your dad was disabled,” he said.
“He’s n-not.”
“Sounds like he is. He’s a lot worse off than you are. You just had a little bleeding in your brain. He’s got something wrong with his soul. I mean, if he left your mom and you, man, there’s got to be something really wrong with him.”
Ginny shrugged.
“I sure hope he gets better. You at least can go to physical therapy. I don’t know what they can do for someone with no heart and soul.”
There was a knock on the door; then it opened, and Armpit’s mother leaned her head in. “Is Theodore here?” She had the telephone with her, her hand covering the mouthpiece. “It’s her.”
His mother was almost as excited about his date as he was, even though he kept telling her it wasn’t a date. They were just going to hang out at the concert together.
He took the phone and walked outside for privacy. “Hello?”
“Hi, how’s it goin’?” asked Tatiana.
“Great. I’m really looking forward to the concert.”
“Look, I don’t know how to say it. I’m not good at this.”
“At what?”
“I’m really sorry, but I can’t go to the concert.”
He didn’t respond.
“Theodore? You there?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m really sorry. There’s this family thing I got to do. I forgot all about it. They won’t let me out of it. My parents have this thing about family time!”
“I understand,” said Armpit.
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“But I want you to tell me all about it on Monday, okay?”
“Sure.”
“Promise? Every song she sings. What clothes she’s wearing. I want to know everything!”
“Okay.”
“I really feel bad about this. Maybe you can find someone else to go with you.”
“Yeah, don’t worry about it.”
He hung up, then dialed X-Ray’s number.
“Was it Tati-ahna?” Ginny teased when he returned to her house. She seemed to be feeling better.