a thousandpretenses of illness and humour to prevent his touching me, fearingnothing more than to be with child by him, which to be sure would haveprevented, or at least delayed, my going over to England.
However, at last I put him so out of humour, that he took up a rash andfatal resolution; in short, I should not go to England; and though hehad promised me, yet it was an unreasonable thing for me to desire it;that it would be ruinous to his affairs, would unhinge his wholefamily, and be next to an undoing him in the world; that therefore Iought not to desire it of him, and that no wife in the world thatvalued her family and her husband's prosperity would insist upon such athing.
This plunged me again, for when I considered the thing calmly, and tookmy husband as he really was, a diligent, careful man in the main workof laying up an estate for his children, and that he knew nothing ofthe dreadful circumstances that he was in, I could not but confess tomyself that my proposal was very unreasonable, and what no wife thathad the good of her family at heart would have desired.
But my discontents were of another nature; I looked upon him no longeras a husband, but as a near relation, the son of my own mother, and Iresolved somehow or other to be clear of him, but which way I did notknow, nor did it seem possible.
It is said by the ill-natured world, of our sex, that if we are set ona thing, it is impossible to turn us from our resolutions; in short, Inever ceased poring upon the means to bring to pass my voyage, and camethat length with my husband at last, as to propose going without him.This provoked him to the last degree, and he called me not only anunkind wife, but an unnatural mother, and asked me how I couldentertain such a thought without horror, as that of leaving my twochildren (for one was dead) without a mother, and to be brought up bystrangers, and never to see them more. It was true, had things beenright, I should not have done it, but now it was my real desire neverto see them, or him either, any more; and as to the charge ofunnatural, I could easily answer it to myself, while I knew that thewhole relation was unnatural in the highest degree in the world.
However, it was plain there was no bringing my husband to anything; hewould neither go with me nor let me go without him, and it was quiteout of my power to stir without his consent, as any one that knows theconstitution of the country I was in, knows very well.
We had many family quarrels about it, and they began in time to grow upto a dangerous height; for as I was quite estranged from my husband (ashe was called) in affection, so I took no heed to my words, butsometimes gave him language that was provoking; and, in short, stroveall I could to bring him to a parting with me, which was what above allthings in the world I desired most.
He took my carriage very ill, and indeed he might well do so, for atlast I refused to bed with him, and carrying on the breach upon alloccasions to extremity, he told me once he thought I was mad, and if Idid not alter my conduct, he would put me under cure; that is to say,into a madhouse. I told him he should find I was far enough from mad,and that it was not in his power, or any other villain's, to murder me.I confess at the same time I was heartily frighted at his thoughts ofputting me into a madhouse, which would at once have destroyed all thepossibility of breaking the truth out, whatever the occasion might be;for that then no one would have given credit to a word of it.
This therefore brought me to a resolution, whatever came of it, to layopen my whole case; but which way to do it, or to whom, was aninextricable difficulty, and took me many months to resolve. In themeantime, another quarrel with my husband happened, which came up tosuch a mad extreme as almost pushed me on to tell it him all to hisface; but though I kept it in so as not to come to the particulars, Ispoke so much as put him into the utmost confusion, and in the endbrought out the whole story.
He began with a calm expostulation upon my being so resolute to go toEngland; I defended it, and one hard word bringing on another, as isusual in all family strife, he told me I did not treat him as if he wasmy husband, or talk of my children as if I was a mother; and, in short,that I did not deserve to be used as a wife; that he had used all thefair means possible with me; that he had argued with all the kindnessand calmness that a husband or a Christian ought to do, and that I madehim such a vile return, that I treated him rather like a dog than aman, and rather like the most contemptible stranger than a husband;that he was very loth to use violence with me, but that, in short, hesaw a necessity of it now, and that for the future he should be obligedto take such measures as should reduce me to my duty.
My blood was now fired to the utmost, though I knew what he had saidwas very true, and nothing could appear more provoked. I told him, forhis fair means and his foul, they were equally contemned by me; thatfor my going to England, I was resolved on it, come what would; andthat as to treating him not like a husband, and not showing myself amother to my children, there might be something more in it than heunderstood at present; but, for his further consideration, I thoughtfit to tell him thus much, that he neither was my lawful husband, northey lawful children, and that I had reason to regard neither of themmore than I did.
I confess I was moved to pity him when I spoke it, for he turned paleas death, and stood mute as one thunderstruck, and once or twice Ithought he would have fainted; in short, it put him in a fit somethinglike an apoplex; he trembled, a sweat or dew ran off his face, and yethe was cold as a clod, so that I was forced to run and fetch somethingfor him to keep life in him. When he recovered of that, he grew sickand vomited, and in a little after was put to bed, and the next morningwas, as he had been indeed all night, in a violent fever.
However, it went off again, and he recovered, though but slowly, andwhen he came to be a little better, he told me I had given him a mortalwound with my tongue, and he had only one thing to ask before hedesired an explanation. I interrupted him, and told him I was sorry Ihad gone so far, since I saw what disorder it put him into, but Idesired him not to talk to me of explanations, for that would but makethings worse.
This heightened his impatience, and, indeed, perplexed him beyond allbearing; for now he began to suspect that there was some mystery yetunfolded, but could not make the least guess at the real particulars ofit; all that ran in his brain was, that I had another husband alive,which I could not say in fact might not be true, but I assured him,however, there was not the least of that in it; and indeed, as to myother husband, he was effectually dead in law to me, and had told me Ishould look on him as such, so I had not the least uneasiness on thatscore.
But now I found the thing too far gone to conceal it much longer, andmy husband himself gave me an opportunity to ease myself of the secret,much to my satisfaction. He had laboured with me three or four weeks,but to no purpose, only to tell him whether I had spoken these wordsonly as the effect of my passion, to put him in a passion, or whetherthere was anything of truth in the bottom of them. But I continuedinflexible, and would explain nothing, unless he would first consent tomy going to England, which he would never do, he said, while he lived;on the other hand, I said it was in my power to make him willing when Ipleased--nay, to make him entreat me to go; and this increased hiscuriosity, and made him importunate to the highest degree, but it wasall to no purpose.
At length he tells all this story to his mother, and sets her upon meto get the main secret out of me, and she used her utmost skill with meindeed; but I put her to a full stop at once by telling her that thereason and mystery of the whole matter lay in herself, and that it wasmy respect to her that had made me conceal it; and that, in short, Icould go no farther, and therefore conjured her not to insist upon it.
She was struck dumb at this suggestion, and could not tell what to sayor to think; but, laying aside the supposition as a policy of mine,continued her importunity on account of her son, and, if possible, tomake up the breach between us two. As to that, I told her that it wasindeed a good design in her, but that it was impossible to be done; andthat if I should reveal to her the truth of what she desired, she wouldgrant it to be impossible, and cease to desire it. At last I seemed tobe pre
vailed on by her importunity, and told her I dared trust her witha secret of the greatest importance, and she would soon see that thiswas so, and that I would consent to lodge it in her breast, if shewould engage solemnly not to acquaint her son with it without myconsent.
She was long in promising this part, but rather than not come at themain secret, she agreed to that too, and after a great many otherpreliminaries, I began, and told her the whole story. First I told herhow much she was concerned in all the unhappy breach which had happenedbetween her son and me, by telling me her own story and her Londonname; and that the surprise she saw I was in was upon that occasion.Then I told her my own story, and my name, and assured her, by suchother tokens as she could not deny, that I was no other, nor more orless, than her own child, her daughter, born of her body in Newgate;the same that had saved her from the gallows by being in her belly, andthe same that she left in such-and-such hands when she was transported.
It is impossible to express the