clergyman's lady at next door; so that whenhe was absent I visited nobody, nor did he ever find me out of mychamber or parlour whenever he came down; if I went anywhere to takethe air, it was always with him.
The living in this manner with him, and his with me, was certainly themost undesigned thing in the world; he often protested to me, that whenhe became first acquainted with me, and even to the very night when wefirst broke in upon our rules, he never had the least design of lyingwith me; that he always had a sincere affection for me, but not theleast real inclination to do what he had done. I assured him I neversuspected him; that if I had I should not so easily have yielded to thefreedom which brought it on, but that it was all a surprise, and wasowing to the accident of our having yielded too far to our mutualinclinations that night; and indeed I have often observed since, andleave it as a caution to the readers of this story, that we ought to becautious of gratifying our inclinations in loose and lewd freedoms,lest we find our resolutions of virtue fail us in the junction whentheir assistance should be most necessary.
It is true, and I have confessed it before, that from the first hour Ibegan to converse with him, I resolved to let him lie with me, if heoffered it; but it was because I wanted his help and assistance, and Iknew no other way of securing him than that. But when we were that nighttogether, and, as I have said, had gone such a length, I found myweakness; the inclination was not to be resisted, but I was obliged toyield up all even before he asked it.
However, he was so just to me that he never upbraided me with that; nordid he ever express the least dislike of my conduct on any otheroccasion, but always protested he was as much delighted with my companyas he was the first hour we came together: I mean, came together asbedfellows.
It is true that he had no wife, that is to say, she was as no wife tohim, and so I was in no danger that way, but the just reflections ofconscience oftentimes snatch a man, especially a man of sense, from thearms of a mistress, as it did him at last, though on another occasion.
On the other hand, though I was not without secret reproaches of my ownconscience for the life I led, and that even in the greatest height ofthe satisfaction I ever took, yet I had the terrible prospect ofpoverty and starving, which lay on me as a frightful spectre, so thatthere was no looking behind me. But as poverty brought me into it, sofear of poverty kept me in it, and I frequently resolved to leave itquite off, if I could but come to lay up money enough to maintain me.But these were thoughts of no weight, and whenever he came to me theyvanished; for his company was so delightful, that there was no beingmelancholy when he was there; the reflections were all the subject ofthose hours when I was alone.
I lived six years in this happy but unhappy condition, in which time Ibrought him three children, but only the first of them lived; andthough I removed twice in those six years, yet I came back the sixthyear to my first lodgings at Hammersmith. Here it was that I was onemorning surprised with a kind but melancholy letter from my gentleman,intimating that he was very ill, and was afraid he should have anotherfit of sickness, but that his wife's relations being in the house withhim, it would not be practicable to have me with him, which, however,he expressed his great dissatisfaction in, and that he wished I couldbe allowed to tend and nurse him as I did before.
I was very much concerned at this account, and was very impatient toknow how it was with him. I waited a fortnight or thereabouts, andheard nothing, which surprised me, and I began to be very uneasyindeed. I think, I may say, that for the next fortnight I was near todistracted. It was my particular difficulty that I did not knowdirectly where he was; for I understood at first he was in the lodgingsof his wife's mother; but having removed myself to London, I soonfound, by the help of the direction I had for writing my letters tohim, how to inquire after him, and there I found that he was at a housein Bloomsbury, whither he had, a little before he fell sick, removedhis whole family; and that his wife and wife's mother were in the samehouse, though the wife was not suffered to know that she was in thesame house with her husband.
Here I also soon understood that he was at the last extremity, whichmade me almost at the last extremity too, to have a true account. Onenight I had the curiosity to disguise myself like a servant-maid, in around cap and straw hat, and went to the door, as sent by a lady of hisneighbourhood, where he lived before, and giving master and mistress'sservice, I said I was sent to know how Mr. ---- did, and how he hadrested that night. In delivering this message I got the opportunity Idesired; for, speaking with one of the maids, I held a long gossip'stale with her, and had all the particulars of his illness, which Ifound was a pleurisy, attended with a cough and a fever. She told mealso who was in the house, and how his wife was, who, by her relation,they were in some hopes might recover her understanding; but as to thegentleman himself, in short she told me the doctors said there was verylittle hopes of him, that in the morning they thought he had beendying, and that he was but little better then, for they did not expectthat he could live over the next night.
This was heavy news for me, and I began now to see an end of myprosperity, and to see also that it was very well I had played to goodhousewife, and secured or saved something while he was alive, for thatnow I had no view of my own living before me.
It lay very heavy upon my mind, too, that I had a son, a fine lovelyboy, about five years old, and no provision made for it, at least thatI knew of. With these considerations, and a sad heart, I went homethat evening, and began to cast with myself how I should live, and inwhat manner to bestow myself, for the residue of my life.
You may be sure I could not rest without inquiring again very quicklywhat was become of him; and not venturing to go myself, I sent severalsham messengers, till after a fortnight's waiting longer, I found thatthere was hopes of his life, though he was still very ill; then Iabated my sending any more to the house, and in some time after Ilearned in the neighbourhood that he was about house, and then that hewas abroad again.
I made no doubt then but that I should soon hear of him, and began tocomfort myself with my circumstances being, as I thought, recovered. Iwaited a week, and two weeks, and with much surprise and amazement Iwaited near two months and heard nothing, but that, being recovered, hewas gone into the country for the air, and for the better recoveryafter his distemper. After this it was yet two months more, and then Iunderstood he was come to his city house again, but still I heardnothing from him.
I had written several letters for him, and directed them as usual, andfound two or three of them had been called for, but not the rest. Iwrote again in a more pressing manner than ever, and in one of them lethim know, that I must be forced to wait on him myself, representing mycircumstances, the rent of lodgings to pay, and the provision for thechild wanting, and my own deplorable condition, destitute ofsubsistence for his most solemn engagement to take care of and providefor me. I took a copy of this letter, and finding it lay at the housenear a month and was not called for, I found means to have the copy ofit put into his own hands at a coffee-house, where I had by inquiryfound he used to go.
This letter forced an answer from him, by which, though I found I wasto be abandoned, yet I found he had sent a letter to me some timebefore, desiring me to go down to the Bath again. Its contents I shallcome to presently.
It is true that sick-beds are the time when such correspondences asthis are looked on with different countenances, and seen with othereyes than we saw them with, or than they appeared with before. Mylover had been at the gates of death, and at the very brink ofeternity; and, it seems, had been struck with a due remorse, and withsad reflections upon his past life of gallantry and levity; and amongthe rest, criminal correspondence with me, which was neither more norless than a long-continued life of adultery, and represented itself asit really was, not as it had been formerly thought by him to be, and helooked upon it now with a just and religious abhorrence.
I cannot but observe also, and leave it for the direction of my sex insuch cases of pleasure, that whenever sincere repentanc
e succeeds sucha crime as this, there never fails to attend a hatred of the object;and the more the affection might seem to be before, the hatred will bethe more in proportion. It will always be so, indeed it can be nootherwise; for there cannot be a true and sincere abhorrence of theoffence, and the love to the cause of it remain; there will, with anabhorrence of the sin, be found a detestation of the fellow-sinner; youcan expect no other.
I found it so here, though good manners and justice in this gentlemankept him from carrying it on to any extreme but the short history ofhis part in this affair was thus: he perceived by my last letter, andby all the rest, which he went for after, that I was not gone to Bath,that his first letter had not come to my hand; upon which he write methis following:--
'MADAM,--I am surprised that my letter, dated the 8th of last month,did not come to your hand; I give you my word it was delivered at yourlodgings, and to the hands of your maid.
'I need not acquaint