“Okay, that’s it,” Matt says, and he bends over to turn off the Wii. “I think there has been enough butt-kicking for one night.” He shoves Seth’s shoulder. Seth shoves him back and they tussle on the floor. He pins Seth down and grins. “How was wrestling today?” he asks.
Seth sits up, brushing his hair back into place. “It was okay. We have practice matches on Wednesday night.” He looks up at Matt. “You want to come watch?”
Matt lies back on the floor, acting like he’s winded after wrestling, but I think he’s shocked that Seth asked him. He picks up a ball and starts to toss it up in the air and catch it. “What time?” he asks.
Seth shrugs like it doesn’t matter. “Seven, I think,” he says. “So you want to go?”
Matt sits up and nods. “If it’s okay with your aunt,” he says. Matt winks at me, like Seth can’t see him. Seth does, though, and shakes his head.
“Quit scamming on my aunt, man,” he warns.
“It’s not scamming. It’s…” He stops and looks at me. “Hell, I don’t know what it’s called.” He looks a little uncomfortable. He throws the ball into Seth’s chest, and Seth falls back on the floor, clutching his belly.
Joey walks up and sits down on Seth’s stomach, bouncing and laughing when he groans. “Why are you still up?” he asks. He looks at the clock. “It’s past your bedtime.”
He grabs her hands and stands up, tossing her over his shoulder. She squeals. He comes over to me and dangles her in front of my face. “Kiss Aunt Sky good night,” he says. She leans forward, takes my face in her hands, and kisses my cheek.
“’Night, Aunt Sky,” she says quietly.
Seth points to my lap. “I’ll be back in a second for that one,” he says.
“Actually, I’ll take her,” I say. I stand up and lift Mellie gently into my arms. She cuddles closer to me, and I realize she’s been sweating against me when the cold air hits where she was lying. But I wouldn’t change it.
Seth shrugs. “You sure?” he asks, cocking his head to the side.
I nod and smile at him. “If you don’t mind. I’d like to put them to bed.”
Seth nods toward the girls’ bedroom. “Sure,” he says flippantly, and he starts in that direction.
He pulls back the covers and flies Joey around like an airplane, making a humming, blowing noise with his mouth until she lands between the sheets. She giggles, and he leans down to kiss her cheek. “Good night,” he says. Then he comes and helps me tuck Mellie in. She’s out cold, and she barely makes a move as he covers her. I turn to walk out the door, but Joey calls out and I have to turn back.
“Aunt Sky?” she says.
I turn back. She’s snug as a bug in a rug in her blankets, and I can’t think of anything she might need. “Do you need something?”
“She’s going to make you stay as long as she can, asking for kisses and water and everything she really doesn’t need,” Seth warns. He points a finger at her and says, “Go to sleep.”
I walk back over to the bed and sit down on the edge, tucking the blankets even more tightly around her. She pulls her arm out and lays her hand on my forearm. “If you see my mommy,” she whispers. “Will you tell her good night?”
My heart clenches in my chest, and I have to close my eyes and take a deep breath. But then I lean over and whisper in her ear. “You can talk to your mommy anytime you want, and she’ll hear you. So you can tell her good night, yourself.” I tweak her nose playfully.
“She can hear me?” she whispers.
I nod my head. “She can hear you, even though she’s not here anymore.” I blink my eyes furiously because it’s all I can do to sit there without sobbing. When did I become such a crybaby? The same time I became a mom, apparently. “She’ll never leave you. I promise.”
“I’ll tell her myself,” she says. She smiles and rolls into her pillow, her eyes closing.
“Good night,” I say, and I kiss her forehead, lingering for a moment to take in that little-girl smell.
Seth is waiting for me in the hallway when I come out. “Wow,” he breathes.
“What?” I ask. I avoid his gaze because he looks like someone just jerked the rug out from under him.
He shakes his head. “Sometimes it seems so easy to go on without her, and then other times, the memories and all the small things about her just swamp you, you know?”
I don’t know. I’ve never had anyone who loved me like their mom loved them. I don’t know what it’s like to lose your anchor. To suddenly float rudderless. “You can talk to her, too, you know.” I say. He follows me to the kitchen. “She’s still here for you.”
He shakes his head again. “I like to think that, but I’m not sure I believe it.” He heaves a sigh. “I feel kind of alone.”
My heart sinks. I felt like we were finally getting somewhere, but maybe I’m not able to give him what he needs. “I’ll try harder,” I say.
He pulls me into his arms and squeezes me, his forearm wrapped around my head again in that awkward embrace. But I like it.
“Everything okay?” Matt asks from the doorway. He lifts an eyebrow at me.
I step back and brush my hair back from my face. “Fine,” I say, smiling at him. I don’t know why, but it feels natural having Matt around. We have this odd kind of chemistry that makes my belly flutter but comforts me at the same. He brings a sense of peace with him. I can’t define it, but I know I want more of it.
He walks up to Seth and wraps his arm around the boy’s head, taking him in a gentle headlock, and gives him a noogie. Seth shoves at him, but he’s smiling. “I’m going to bed,” Seth says.
“Already?” I complain. I look at my watch. “It’s early yet.”
He glances quickly at Matt, and Matt ducks his head and grins. “I’m tired,” Seth says, and he fakes a yawn and a stretch. He’s grinning, and Matt swipes a hand down his face to hide his own smile. Seth kisses my forehead, bumps knuckles with Matt, and goes to his room.
I don’t know what to do with myself all alone with Matt, so I start to load the dishwasher with today’s dishes. Matt picks up plates and cups from the table and helps me.
“Careful or I’ll get used to having you around,” I warn playfully.
He looks directly into my eyes. “Good. That’s what I’m going for.”
My breath hitches, and I have to turn away so that I’m not facing him. I lay my hands flat on the counter and take a breath. But then I feel Matt’s length behind me. His palms lie flat on the counter beside mine, his arms bracketing my body. I can feel him from the top of my head to the heels of my feet, he’s that close.
“You in love with me yet?” he whispers quietly.
A grin steals across my face, and I’m so glad he can’t see it. “Nope,” I say past the lump in my throat.
He brushes the hair from the back of my neck and presses his lips there. I’m suddenly glad he’s behind me because my knees might just give out. His lips are soft and warm, but insistent. He kisses the side of my neck, and I tilt my head because it feels so damn good.
“Someday, you’re going to want to marry me,” he murmurs.
“You’re awfully sure of yourself.” My voice quavers only a little. I’m quite proud of that.
“Mmm hmm,” he murmurs, and his lips gently slide up the side of my neck.
Suddenly there’s a noise behind us, and Matt jumps back. He’s across the room in nothing more than a second. I turn around and look up to find Seth standing in the doorway. He looks from me to Matt and back to me over and over. Finally, he snorts, and says, “Dude, you should just kiss her already. God.” He walks to the fridge and gets a bottle of water, and then he leaves the room.
Matt grins. “I should probably go.”
“Don’t,” I say quickly. I squeeze my eyes shut. When I open them, he’s looking at me intently. “I mean, if you need to go, you can. But if you want to stay for a bit…”
“I want to stay,” he says quickly.
“You want a bee
r?” I ask. I think there are still a few in the fridge.
“No,” he says. “Thanks, though.”
I pour myself a glass of wine so I have something to do with my hands.
He gets himself a bottle of water and follows me to the couch. I sit down on one end, and he sits on the other. He’s much too far away in my opinion, but he’s too close at the same time. What am I doing?
I pull my feet up onto the couch, my knees pointed toward the TV, and Matt stares at my legs. I tug my skirt down a little. He groans and lays his head back, but he’s grinning. “You don’t know how hard it is to sit way over here while you’re over there,” he says.
“Yes, I do,” I admit.
His gaze jerks to meet mine. “You’re feeling it too?” he asks. His eyes are so blue and so deep that I want to fall into them and stay there. Don’t ever look away from me, Matt.
I nod and bite my lower lip to keep from grinning. “Why don’t you have a girlfriend, Matt?” I ask. And I really want to know because it’s unfathomable to me that he’s single. He’s handsome, and he’s so kind.
He shakes a finger at me. “There’s a story there,” he says.
I settle into the sofa a little deeper and turn so that my feet are pointed toward him, my legs extended. My toes almost touch his thigh. But then he lifts my feet and slides under them, scooting closer to me. “I was in love with a girl. For a long time.”
“What happened to her?” I ask. He starts to tickle across my toes, and then his fingertips drag down the top of my foot. It’s a gentle sweep, and it feels so good that I don’t want him to stop. His fingers play absently as he starts to talk.
“When I got the diagnosis,” he says, “she couldn’t deal with it.”
“Cancer?” I ask.
He nods. His fingers drag up and down my shin, and he slides around to stroke the back of my knee. I don’t stop him when his hand slides beneath my skirt, although I do tense up. He smiles when he finds the top of my thigh highs, and he unclips the little fastener that attaches them to my garters. He repeats the action on the other side, his hands teasing the sensitive skin of my inner thigh as he frees the stocking and rolls it down. He pulls it all the way over my foot and does the same with the other side. I am suddenly really glad I shaved this morning. I wiggle my toes at him, and he starts to stroke me again. I don’t ever want him to stop.
“This okay?” he asks. But he’s not looking at my face. He’s looking at my legs.
“Yeah,” I breathe. “Keep talking. You got diagnosed…”
“I got diagnosed, and the prognosis wasn’t good. I went through chemo and got a little better. But then I needed a second round. Things didn’t look good, and we were flat broke. I couldn’t work at the tattoo parlor anymore because my immune system was too weak, so I had no money coming in. I was poor and sick and she didn’t love me enough to walk the path with me.” He shrugs, but I can tell he’s serious. “She cheated with my best friend.” He shrugs. “And that’s the end of that sad story.”
“You still love her?” I ask. I don’t breathe waiting for his answer.
He shakes his head and looks up. “I did love her for a long time. And I haven’t been looking for a relationship. I haven’t dated anyone since her. But I’m not in love with her anymore. I know that now.”
“Why now?” I ask.
He looks directly into my eyes and says, “Because I met you, and I feel really hopeful that you’ll want to go after something real with me. I know we just met and all, but I was serious about making you fall in love with me.” He laughs. “Then you hit me in the nose tonight, and I knew it was meant to be.”
“What?” I have no idea what he’s talking about.
“When my brother Logan met Emily, she punched him in the face. And when Pete and Reagan first started dating, she hit him in the nose.” He reaches up and touches his nose gently. “So, when you hit me tonight, I just knew it was meant to be.” He grins. “I hope you feel the same way because I really want to see where this thing is going to go.”
“So the women your brothers fell in love with, they committed bodily harm to them and that’s how you guys knew it was real?”
“We kind of have a rule. If a woman punches you in the face, you have to marry her.” He laughs.
“I didn’t punch you.”
“Same difference,” he says. “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”
I set my wineglass on the side table when I realize it’s empty.
“I do want to talk to you about something, though,” he says. He’s quiet and serious and he stops rubbing my leg. He wraps his hand around my ankle.
“Okay,” I say hesitantly.
“With all the chemo, the chances of my ever having kids are slim.” His eyes are full of pain. “There’s probably no chance at all.” He jerks a thumb toward the hallway. “Would you be satisfied with three kids and no more?”
I lay my head back and laugh. “You think I need more than three?”
“I just want to be completely honest with you. I can’t get you pregnant. So if you wanted to have a baby, I’m not the guy for you, and I don’t want to get my hopes up.”
I gesture to his lap. “Everything…works? Right?” Heat creeps up my cheeks. He lifts my foot and presses it closer to his zipper.
“Everything works,” he says quietly. He’s fully hard against the side of my foot, and I feel like my face is aflame with embarrassment, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
“I have a question for you now,” I say. I don’t even know how to phrase it, but I have to ask. “My kids,” I say. “They’re not blond haired and blue eyed. Would that be a problem for you?”
We’re totally putting the cart before the horse here, and I feel stupid even asking these questions of a man I just met, but I like him. I like him a lot.
“Your kids are perfect,” he says. “I would be honored to spend time with them.”
“But, like…” I drop my face in my hands. I can’t get what Phillip said to me out of my head. “But…would you be okay being with them in public and having people think they’re yours? And mine?” I gesture back and forth between us. “Not that I’m trying to give you my kids or anything, but we’re sort of a package deal.”
“I like the package,” he says. “And I’d be honored for anyone in the world to think those kids were mine, if we ever got that point in our relationship.”
“This is a relationship?” I ask. I’m grinning like a fool, though.
“Not yet,” he says. “Right now, I’m just a crazy guy you just met who divested you of your stockings and wants to touch your feet.” He looks down at my toes and tickles them. He looks me in the face. “So, now you want to fall in love with me?” he asks. “You did hit me in the face, so I’m obligated to marry you at some point.”
I toss my hands up. “Or we could just hang out,” I say with a laugh.
He nods. “That sounds nice.” He smiles at me.
“So why hasn’t some lucky woman snatched you up yet?” I ask again.
“I have issues.” He chuckles, but then he sobers. “I do have some trust issues. And, while I am in remission, I live each day knowing I could get sick again. I don’t like wasting time because it’s one of the only things in life we can’t get more of. So, I know I’m moving really fast and I’m probably scaring the shit out of you, but that’s how I roll. I love hard when I love, and I hope you’re okay with that.”
I scoff. “Don’t tell me you’re in love with me when you just met me. I’d have to call you a liar.”
“No, I’m not in love with you…yet. But for the first time in a long time, I want to chase this feeling and see where it goes.”
“So, I’m the chasee, huh?” I ask. My heart thrills at the idea of it.
“Oh, I plan to chase you. Provided that you’d welcome my advances.” His hand slides up and tickles the back of my knee, and I’d welcome just about any advances he wants to lay on me. “Just one more thing,” he says.
br /> “What?” I ask.
“Once I fall in love with you, don’t ever cheat on me. If you want to be done with me, tell me. But don’t lie to me or cheat on me. It’ll make me hate you. And all I want to do is love you. Someday. When we’re both ready.”
I’m ready now. But I’m not at the same time. “Deal,” I say.
He lays his head back against the sofa and tilts it to look at me. “So, can I keep playing with your feet?” His eyes are full of all sorts of things I don’t understand, but I like it. I like it a lot.
I sit forward and pull my feet out of his lap. He pouts until I put my bottom in it instead. I take his face in my hands and look into his eyes. “I like you a lot,” I whisper.
“Not in love with me yet, though?” he whispers back, but his hands wrap around my hip and lock beside me, holding me close to him.
“Not yet,” I say.
He rubs his nose against mine in gentle little sweeps up and down, his eyes closed. My lips are so close to his that I can almost taste him. But suddenly, he picks me up and plops me down on the couch. He stands up, adjusts his jeans, and kisses my forehead. “I have to go,” he says quickly.
“What?” I sputter. I was about to kiss him.
“Thanks for letting me hang out with the kids tonight. It was a lot of fun bowling with your family.”
I suddenly feel empty, and I don’t like it. “Thanks for dropping everything when Seth called you. And for the pizza.” And thanks for flipping my world upside down.
I stand up and follow him to the door. He looks down at me from the doorway and brushes my hair back behind my ear. “I want to kiss you.”
“You totally should,” I toss back.
He shakes his head. “Not yet,” he says. “Are you working from home tomorrow?”
“No, I have to go in to the office.” I have a big case that I’ve been working on, and we need to have team meeting.
“When can I see you again?” he asks.
I can’t bite back my grin. “When do you want to see me again?”
“Every day, all day.” He laughs. God, when that man smiles, he could knock me to my knees. “Can I call you?”