CHAPTER 10
Sarah had decided one of the best things about this safe house – besides the dishwasher in the kitchen – were the washer and dryer in the attached laundry room. The few clothes she could now claim as her own were dirty, so she spent time the next morning doing laundry for both her and Jess. Sarah was especially pleased to be able to wash the one pair of jeans and the top that were truly hers - the clothes she wore the day she went to the police station with the FBI agents. The other clothes were hand-me-downs from Jessica’s stash, but were equally important to her since they were now the only possessions she had.
After lunch, Sarah and Jess spent some time at the dining room table in a very competitive game of Scrabble. Sam was sitting close by in the living room, reading a book, and Bill was wandering around as he was apt to do, looking out windows. Even in this short period of time, Sarah had noticed the young agent had a nervous energy that didn’t seem to let him sit still for long.
Sarah glanced across the room when she noticed Bill freeze near the front window and pull out his gun.
“Sam, company’s coming up the driveway.”
Sarah’s hand paused on the wooden Scrabble tiles she was getting ready to place on the board. Sam and Jess both pulled out their guns and she watched as Sam quickly joined Bill at the window. Jess came over to Sarah and took her by the arm, pulling her out of her chair in the direction of the kitchen and the back door.
Sam nodded toward her. “If I give the signal, Jess, you take her out to our SUV in the barn and get her out of here.” Sarah’s heart was beating so loudly she was sure everyone in the room could hear it. Then she felt Sam’s eyes quickly glance over her face as if to reassure her she would be okay. She kept her eyes locked on his until Jess pulled her from the room.
Sam stood near the front window next to Bill and watched the dark blue four-door sedan stop in the gravel drive not far from the front steps. The driver’s side door opened slowly and a pair of cowboy boots exited the vehicle along with the rest of the man -- a tall, lean, middle-age man wearing a cowboy hat, dark brown pants and a tan shirt. Sam caught sight of the badge clipped to the man’s belt and took a breath of relief. The feeling of an immediate threat left him, although he knew they still needed to remain on alert. For all them knew it might be a trap.
“Looks like it might be Sheriff Wilson, but keep her in the kitchen, Jess.”
He holstered his gun, motioned for Bill to stay behind him in the doorway with his gun at the ready, and went out the door and down the steps to meet their visitor.
The older man’s face broke into a smile at the sight of him.
“You must be FBI Special Agent Sam Morgan.” He held out his hand. “I’m Sheriff Wilson of Parkston. We spoke on the phone the other day.”
Sam smiled at the slow drawn out speech and the carefully groomed graying mustache of the older man before him. He shook the outstretched hand, surprised at the strength he felt there. Obviously the man might be getting up in years, but was still a strong and viral man.
“Sheriff, glad to meet you. Although your unexpected arrival almost got you shot.”
The Sheriff dropped his chin and then glanced at him a little sheepishly. “Oh, man. I knew I should have called first, but I was in the area and thought I’d drop by and make sure you were all okay and find out if you needed any help.”
Sam shook his head. “I appreciate that, Sheriff. But I think right now, we’re good. We’re just hoping the stay isn’t much longer, if you know what I mean.”
He watched as the Sheriff took off his well-worn cowboy hat, ran his fingers through his graying hair, and plopped the hat back on his head.
“Yup. I know what you mean.” The Sheriff looked around at the surrounding fields. “This was Will Tate’s place, wasn’t it?”
Sam nodded. “Yes, it was.”
The sheriff leaned back against the side of the car and Sam joined him.
“Yup, he was a good man,” the sheriff said. “Back when he was alive, we used to go deer and turkey hunting together every fall.”
Sam nodded and let his eyes scan the fields and roads around them, still on alert for anything out of the ordinary. He felt assured this man was the sheriff he had spoken with on the phone. It would be difficult to duplicate that Texas drawl.
“Well, the main reason for my trip out here is, I’ve been listening to the chatter on the police radio about the perp your people have been lookin’ for. It sounds like a truck driver outside of Herbert on Route 15 gave a man fitting that description a ride the night after the first bombing. He was headed south, if that helps. According to the trucker, he only rode with him a few miles out of Herbert, then said he was gonna wait for some friends to pick him up. Maybe he’s already headed back to Mexico and you’re free and clear.”
Sam watched the older man’s face as he talked. He didn’t know if the Sheriff was trying to make him feel better or what, but it wasn’t working.
“Sounds about right. He’d have had to either hitch a ride or steal another car. He dumped the getaway vehicle outside of Herbert and then disappeared. As far as him heading back to Mexico, well that would be nice, Sheriff. But you and I both know that’s not what he’s up to. He’s not going home until the job here is done.”
Sheriff Wilson nodded. “That’s kind of what I thought you’d say, Agent Morgan. And I have to agree. Just wanted you to know if you need any back-up out here, all you gotta do is call me. I don’t have a lot of men, but the ones I’ve got are good – and they’re yours if you need ‘em.”
Sam smiled and reached out to shake his hand again, then watched as the Sheriff opened his car door and got in. “I’ll remember that, Sheriff. Thanks again for stopping by.”
He raised his hand in a wave as the Sheriff slowly turned the car around and started back down the drive. Sam watched the dust trail behind the car until the vehicle turned onto the main dirt road and disappeared from his view. Then he stood for a moment and looked around at the yard and the surrounding fields. Everything still looked tranquil and serene, and for that he was thankful.
Sam didn’t really believe Manaquez was going to drive up to the house and go after Sarah, but stranger things had happened in his many years with the Bureau. He’d learned you could never be too careful, and you couldn’t count on the bad guys to do the normal thing. And with this guy - who knew what he would try to get to Sarah.
After that excitement the Scrabble game was forgotten and Sarah spent most of the remainder of the day in the kitchen whipping up several different dishes for lunch and dinner. She liked to cook – and it appeared the other three liked to eat, especially Bill.
Sarah had always wanted siblings, especially a brother, so she was actually enjoying having Bill and Jess around. Bill Parker would have been a great brother. Even though he was only four years younger than she, he still had a lot of little boy left in him.
But he was all Marine when the job required it. She had found him doing pushups and sit-ups in the family room just that morning, and could easily see why he had such a muscular build. Even though he was slim and trim, the upper part of him looked strong with broad shoulders and muscular arms. He stood a good three inches taller than Sam, who was far from short. Yes, Bill was a good man to have on her side.
And Jess had a heart of gold. She was always ready with a smile and willing to help Sarah with anything that needed to be done. If it weren’t for the circumstances for which they were together, she couldn’t help but feel Jess and she could become great friends.
That afternoon Sarah was in the kitchen making another batch of lemonade when she heard a noise in the back yard. Panic immediately swept over her, but when she tiptoed to the kitchen window and cautiously peeked out, she realized it was Bill. He was in the back yard leaning over a lawn mower. Moments later she heard the lawn mower start up and she stood at the window and watched as he made several passes around the house, pushing the old mower
through the long grass. He was dressed in a white tee shirt and shorts. Even though it wasn’t visible, she was pretty sure he had his gun tucked into his belt beneath the shirt. These agents never went anywhere without their guns.
She took a couple of deep breaths to settle her nerves and turned away from the window. Grabbing two glasses and a pitcher of lemonade from the refrigerator, she headed to the family room.
“You two thirsty?”
Sam’s head rose from the newspaper he was reading. The slow smile she had come to know so well crept across his face and her heart did a little jig. Sarah shyly smiled back. She definitely needed to slow down her thoughts regarding Agent Morgan.
“Sounds great!” Jess announced while pulling her long ponytailed hair up and off her neck. “Why is it so hot? It’s only May!”
After deserting her perch on the couch in front of the computer screen, Jess quickly joined her at the dining room table. Sarah placed the glasses and pitcher of lemonade on the table and pulled out a chair. She glanced up in time to see Sam put down his newspaper, then come over to sit across the table from her. He pulled one of the glasses toward him and poured the cold liquid into the glass with a splash. Sarah watched Sam sip his lemonade and close his eyes in enjoyment.
“Mmmm, this hits the spot, Sarah. Thank you.”
She nodded in response, then quickly turned her gaze back to the pitcher of lemonade and watched as ribbons of condensation dripped down the side of the clear glass pitcher. She glanced up at him again and found him watching her, that slow smile on his face. Sarah could only hope her face wasn’t turning pink with the embarrassment she felt on having those gray eyes lock on hers. Sometimes he could totally unnerve her just by looking at her.
“Yes, thank you, Sarah,” Jess agreed. “This is really good.”
“You’re both welcome. I think I’ll run some out to Bill too, if that’s okay.” She looked over at Sam for his permission.
Jess started to stand. “Do you want me to take it out to him, Sam?”
Sam shook his head and waved his hand, motioning her to sit back down.
“No. Let Sarah take it to him. It will do her good to get a little fresh air.” He looked her in the eyes and she noticed the serious steely look had returned to his. “Just stay beside Bill. No wandering. You understand?”
She grinned and raised her right hand to salute him. “Yes, boss!” then headed to the kitchen for another glass of lemonade to take to Bill.
Bill saw her coming down the back steps and quickly pulled the lawn mower to a stop and turned it off. She watched as he grabbed a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiped the sweat from his face before coming over and sitting down in the shade of the house on the steps next to her. He took off his sunglasses, folded them, and hung them on the neck of his shirt before he took the offered glass from her.
“Thanks!” he said with a grin. “I was getting parched.”
She smiled as Bill tipped the glass and drained it in a matter of seconds.
“You want more?” She laughed.
He grinned. “Maybe in a little while.” He sighed. “I think I’ll take a break for a few minutes though. It’s hotter out in the sun than I thought. I’m not used to the heat yet.”
Neither of them spoke for a few moments and Sarah watched as a little gust of wind blew dust devils across the back drive to the barn. Jess had been right when she had complained about it being too early to be this hot.
She sighed as she realized that in two weeks it would be Memorial Day. In the past the employees from Brown and Associates had always hung out together sometime during the long weekend. They usually went to one of the partner’s houses and had grilled hamburgers, hot dogs and brats, along with salads and desserts. There would be no Memorial Day get-together this year or any future years though. They were all gone.
Sarah swallowed back her grief and raised her eyes to the sky and watched as a hawk circled in the distance. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have that kind of freedom – to just fly anywhere you wanted without worrying?
That brought her mind back to her search for God. She wanted to ask Bill about his faith in God, yet couldn’t figure out how best to bring up the subject. Sam had told her to ask though, so she finally decided the only way she would ever find out anything is if she brought up the subject to him.
“Sam told me you became a Christian when you were in Iraq in the army.”
Bill quickly glanced at her before returning his gaze to their surroundings.
“Yeah.”
Sarah waited for him to expound but when he didn’t, she decided he was going to need a little more encouragement to get him to talk.
“So, what helped you make your decision?”
It was silent between them for a few moments and Sarah wondered if he would even answer her. Maybe she’d made a mistake by asking. She knew a lot of veterans had a difficult time talking about their time in action.
When he finally spoke, his voice was husky with emotion. “My best friend was killed by a RPG, a rocket-propelled grenade. He was a great guy.”
She glanced over and saw the sadness reflected in his face.
“He was a Christian?”
He glanced over at her in surprise.
“Yeah, how did you guess?”
Sarah shrugged. “Just the way you said ‘he was a great guy’.”
She watched Bill turn the empty glass round and round in his hands. “Joe would do anything for anybody, all with a big smile on his face.” He paused and she glanced over to see him watching the hawk flying above them. “I’ve often wondered if he sensed something was going to happen to him. The last few days he read his Bible to me even more than usual and kept telling me I needed to get myself right with God; that none of us knew how many days we had left. But he didn’t push it at me, you know?”
Sarah nodded. Yes, she knew. Sam was the same way with her; giving her the information she sought after, but not pushing his beliefs on her.
“But I knew Joe was different. He had something I wanted; peace, for one thing. Peace to face whatever tomorrow brought us, even if it was death.”
Bill paused before he spoke again. “After Joe died, I went to talk with the Chaplain at the urging of my CO. The Chaplain explained to me why Joe had that peace – which came from his faith in God. And I could have that same peace too.
“I’ve never been sorry I made the decision to give my life to Christ. Knowing that my sins are forgiven and knowing where I’ll go when I die has given me peace to face whatever happens. And knowing that He lives inside my heart and soul and is there to turn to no matter what – that is the best knowledge in the world. What we do isn’t easy – fighting evil in the world. But people like Sam, and me too I suppose, are kind of like God’s soldiers. We are called to do our jobs and fight evil in any way we can.”
He stopped talking for a moment and then turned on the steps to look at her.
“I hope that answers your question, Sarah. All I can say is that I’ve never been sorry I did it. I sure don’t understand why He does, but knowing God loves me, makes my life worth living. God loves you too, Sarah. More than you know.”
“Thank you, Bill,” she said quietly, touching him lightly on the back as she stood up. “I really appreciate you sharing that with me.”
Sarah headed back into the house feeling more confused than when she had started. Maybe it was time to read more of the Bible Sam had given her. She needed some answers and she was guessing that was where she’d find them.
Sarah headed to the bedroom she shared with Jess. She found the Bible where she’d left it on the nightstand and curled up on the bed, flipping through the pages randomly before she remembered Sam mentioning the book of Psalms. It had been years since she had read a Bible, but she was able to find it. She stopped on a verse and read it through – then read it again.
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I
fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
Then another one.
Deliver me, O Lord, from the evil man; preserve me from the violent man.
She went back to the beginning of the book of Psalms and read chapter after chapter slowly, allowing the words to comfort and challenge her. As she read about King David calling upon his Lord and God, tears poured down her face. Psalm chapter six and seven touched her heart, particularly chapter six, verse six: I am weary with my groaning...I water my couch with my tears.
That sounded a lot like her. She also had watered her pillow with tears every night and every morning since this terrible thing had happened to her. Had God really been listening and hearing her cries? If so, did God really care about what happened to Sarah Masters? All these years she had felt like she was waiting. Maybe she had been stuck in a rut and living her life in a cocoon. Perhaps He was what she had been waiting for all along.
But God, this seems like an extreme way to get my attention, don’t you think?
It was difficult for her to understand why a loving God would allow terrible things to happen. Sam had told her that it was because there was evil in the world and you were either on the side of good or the side of evil. There was no middle ground. Those who chose evil would pay the ultimate price when they died – separation from God for all eternity.
She sighed and closed the little book, wiping tears from her eyes. There was still a lot to think about before she would be ready to turn her life over to a God who didn’t stop evil from happening. But she was starting to feel differently about forgiveness. She just wasn’t sure what she wanted to do about it yet.
After their dinner that evening of grilled pork chops, applesauce, scalloped potatoes and generous pieces of peach pie, they all gathered in the family room. Since there was no television in the house, the three of them sat around and talked, told stories from their pasts, or played card and board games. They had found a wealth of old games in a cupboard under the bookcase, along with several jigsaw puzzles. This evening however, when Sarah came from the kitchen, she realized Jess had her gun apart and strewn over the coffee table in pieces, and Bill had a rifle on the floor, doing the same.
“What are guys doing to your guns?” she asked.
Sam looked up from across the room where he sat in his usual chair, reading a book. “They’re cleaning their guns. It’s just usual maintenance.”
Bill nodded. “When your life depends on your weapon, you want to make sure it’s going to work when you need it.”
Sarah walked over and sat down on the couch next to Jess. “So tell me, Jess. What type of gun is yours?
Jess glanced up from her work and grinned at her. “Well, if you really want to know - it’s a 9mm Glock.”
Sarah nodded, trying to act like she knew what that meant, then grinned back at her. “So, what’s a ‘Glock’?”
She heard the other woman’s low musical chuckle. “Well Sarah, it’s a semi-automatic pistol made in Austria - widely used in law enforcement. Although not all of us carry a Glock, right boss?”
Sam’s eyebrows raised over the top of the book he was reading and she heard Jess chuckle again. “Sam carries a Sig Saur, another kind of pistol. Guess we all have our favorites.”
Sarah nodded. A gun was a gun to her. And she sure didn’t have a favorite.
“So, you’re cleaning it?”
“Hmmm, yes I am.” Sarah watched the other woman run a brush across the gun several times. Earlier Jess had the gun laid out in front of her in pieces, but had now reassembled it – other than the portion which Sarah could see held the bullets.
She pointed to it. “What’s this called?”
Jess picked up the piece from the coffee table, shoved it into the base of the gun with a snap, and put the gun back in her side holster. “It’s the clip. It holds up to 20 rounds.”
Ah, Sarah thought. The bullets. The important part of the gun.
Sarah looked over to where Bill sat on the floor, parts of his rifle still spread out around him.
He grinned across the room at her. “You want me to explain about my gun, Sarah? It has a lot more parts and pieces, as you can see. Much more exciting than a simple Glock.”
She gave him a weak smile and shook her head. “I think I’ll pass, Bill. Guns aren’t really my thing, you know. I wish there weren’t such things in the world.”
Sarah saw Sam glance up again from his book. It was obvious that he had not only been reading, but had also been tuned into their conversation; which didn’t surprise her. Sam Morgan seemed to always be aware of what was going on around him.
His deep voice pulled her eyes back to him. “Guns are tools, Sarah. Just like a computer in the wrong hands can be used for evil, so can a gun.”
She nodded. “I know, Sam. But guns kill people. Maybe if there weren’t any more guns in the world, people wouldn’t get killed!”
He chuckled, a deep chuckle in his chest. It was a sound she had only heard from him a couple of times and it usually made her smile, but not this time.
“People kill people, Sarah. And trust me - anything can be used to kill a person; a crowbar, a baseball bat, a car, a knife, even a screwdriver. Should we, as a society, not allow those things in our world?”
Her eyes locked with his for a moment. “I know what you’re saying, Sam. And of course, you’re right. I’m very thankful that you guys know how to use guns to protect me. I just wish the bad guys out there didn’t have them too.” She especially wished there was no way Manaquez could get his hands on a gun, but she was pretty sure he wouldn’t have any trouble at all.
She saw Sam nod and his voice sounded very weary when he responded. “Trust me, Sarah. We wish the same thing – every day.”
Sarah got up from where she sat on the couch and walked over to sit on the wide arm of the overstuffed chair where he sat. She wanted to be close to him, yet found it to be unsettling in a way she couldn’t grasp. It was so hard to figure out what there was about the man that affected her so. She admired him, yet he frightened her.
“So, I was wondering, Sam. Are Jess and Bill the only team you’ve had?”
A look she couldn’t decipher swept briefly across his face, he dropped his eyes from hers, and she sensed his hesitancy before he answered.
“No.”
Sarah noticed Bill raise an eyebrow and glance across the room at Jess with a look that could only be called surprise, before she turned her attention back to Sam. She hesitated only a second or two before she questioned him again. “So, what happened to your other team, Sam? Did they transfer somewhere else in the Bureau, or what?”
She heard Sam release a slow sigh and thought for a moment he wasn’t going to answer her.
“One of them did. He transferred to the Sacramento Bureau office. The other agent, Hank, was killed.”
It was silent in the room for a time. Sarah glanced across the room at both Jess and Bill who had quit what they were doing to listen to Sam’s answer. Jess’s mouth was almost open, as if in shock. Sarah wondered if they had ever heard Sam talk about his previous team. By the looks on Jess and Bill’s faces, she had to guess the answer was no.
“What happened, Sam?” she asked, her voice almost a whisper.
She could see the muscles working in his jaw. There were several small scars on his forehead she had never noticed before because she had never been this close to him before. How many more scars did this wonderful man carry – particularly inside?
When he finally spoke she could hear the pain in his voice. “It was two months after September 11th, 2001. Everyone was on high alert mode, and the stress was getting to all of us. We went into what we thought was a house full of illegal arms. Instead, it turned out to be a meth lab. Hank went in first, and the place blew up. We were all injured in some way, but Hank took the brunt of the explosion because he was the first one in. He died three day
s later. He had only been married two months.”
Sarah gasped and placed her right hand lightly on his left shoulder and sighed in pain for this man who obviously had cared so much for his lost agent. She wished now she hadn’t asked him.
“I’m so sorry, Sam.”
He glanced up at her as if just remembering where he was, then went back to staring into space. “The one consolation I had was we had discussed his need for salvation, and I’d like to believe he made the decision to give his life to God before he died.” He shook his head. “I won’t know until I die if he made it or not, but I would like to think what I told him made a difference.”
Sarah closely studied the man sitting next to her. He constantly surprised her, with his humor, his kindness, and his loyalty. She didn’t think she had ever met a man who had impressed her more, and she knew she was getting way too attached to him and the rest of the team.
In a few days when Manaquez had been caught, the others would go back to their lives in Washington D.C. and she would go back to Herbert and whatever awaited her there, and she would never see them again. She cautioned herself to guard her heart. She couldn’t afford to get too attached to this man, but she was afraid it was too late.
She already had.
Sam looked across the room to where Sarah had joined Jess on the couch. He listened to their discussion centering on computers. He enjoyed being able to sit here and watch her – knowing that at least here, inside the house with him, she was safe.
He was afraid, and he wasn’t afraid very often. Oh, there was the normal fear he felt when going into a dangerous situation, knowing he might be shot and killed. This was a different type of fear though and he felt like it was totally out of his control. He was terrified he was falling in love with Sarah Masters. He wasn’t sure how or when it had happened, but it had. She had looked at him with those big green eyes and his heart had melted. It had been so long since he had felt anything like this for a woman – and he was terrified.
Sam shook his head and tried to concentrate on the mystery novel he was reading. He couldn’t believe he had even told her about his marriage to Charlotte. That painful chapter of his life was never discussed with anyone, yet he had spilled it all to her. And how she had managed to pry the information about his first team from him earlier, he would never know. He never talked about losing Hank. The whole episode had been one of the most painful in his life and it had almost driven him to quit his job in the Bureau. Only a long talk with the Director at the time had kept him from giving up.
Just because he was a Christian didn’t mean he was perfect and he wanted her to understand that. He made mistakes like everyone else, some of them big. It was important she understand that even with all his flaws, God still loved him enough to send his Son to die on the cross for Sam Morgan’s sins. And no matter what she had done or thought, God loved her enough to forgive her sins too.
He was also aware he was a man capable of hurting her emotionally as much as anyone else, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do. It sounded like Matt Calvin had crushed her heart, and Sam certainly didn’t want to hurt her more than she already had been.
So he couldn’t be totally honest with her and tell her his feelings where she was concerned. It would only cause pain for both of them. Once they knew what the outcome of this whole nightmare was going to be, once Manaquez was caught and behind bars and she was safe again, then he could think about whether or not they had a chance for any type of relationship. Until then, it was best that he just keep his feelings to himself.
And in the meantime, he needed to keep praying for her - praying for her salvation and her safety.
Later that night Sarah lay in bed and listened to the noise of a country evening. With the windows open she could hear the crickets and tree toads chirping and normal night sounds of the countryside. There were no traffic noises, no noisy neighbors. Just silence. She had thought where she lived at the edge of Herbert had been a quiet neighborhood. In comparison to this stillness, it had been extremely noisy. Not even a dog barked in the distance.
Sarah rolled over on her side and tried to get comfortable. She missed being able to sleep in her own bed, but that was only a small part of what she missed. She missed her house and all her familiar things surrounding her. It was doubtful she would ever go back to look at her house. Part of her wanted to go back and make sure it was really gone, and another part of her wanted to remember it as it had been before the explosion.
She rolled over on her back. Tomorrow would be Friday. How many more days would it be until she could return to Herbert and some semblance of a normal life? Had it really only been three days since the beginning of this nightmare?
Tossing and turning for several more minutes, she finally gave up and turned on the light. She glanced over toward the other empty bed and was glad that at least tonight she wasn’t disturbing Jess who she assumed was on guard duty. Sam had explained that the agents split the night duty into three and a half hour shifts. That way none of them went without a full night’s sleep. Even though they said they were used to this kind of schedule, she thought they all looked tired.
Sarah sat up on the edge of the bed and reached over and picked up Sam’s small black Bible. She had tried to think of everything else while she tossed and turned, but she knew what was really eating at her. The cover of the well-worn book felt soft in her hands as she held it. It was obvious Sam had spent many hours reading through it. Well, the answers she searched for had to be in here. She just had to keep looking.
Opening it, she flipped quickly through the thin pages, then back to the front. Just as Sam had told her, there was writing inside the front cover. Several chapters and verses were listed from the Book of Romans.
She thumbed through the book until she found the first verse referenced. Romans chapter 3, verse 23:
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.
Well, that spelled it out pretty clear. Everybody sinned, including her. She turned some more pages and found the next verse shown: Romans, chapter 5, verses 8 and 9:
But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Much more than, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.
The last verse listed on the front inside cover was Romans, chapter 6, verse 23:
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
There was one more scripture listed. I John, chapter 1, verse 8 and 9. This one took her a little longer to find because there was a chapter that was just John, but she finally found the one that was I John.
If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Obviously she was going to die someday. Everyone died eventually. She just hoped she wasn’t going to die any time soon. But what was death and where would her ‘soul’ - that essence that was really her – go when she died?
Sarah closed the book, placed it on the bedside stand and turned out the light. Before she lay back down though, she thought more about what she had read. She didn’t want to feel bitterness toward God anymore. Sam, Jessica and Bill all had something she craved – a personal relationship with God, and the knowledge that they were loved. What she would give to be able to feel that way too.
Since her parents’ deaths, she hadn’t really given God much thought. But it hadn’t always been that way. Growing up her parents had taken her to church every Sunday, and when she was little she had spent her summers with her grandmother. Grandma had always sent her with the neighbor children to the church’s vacation bible school program for at least one week out of the summer. It had been fun and she had learned lots of Bible stories. But she had never considered that God might actually care
about Sarah Masters as a person.
Until she met Sam.
So, did God really love her? Did it matter to Him that she’d lost all her friends and everything that was important to her? It had been hard enough to lose both her parents all those years ago, but to go through it all again – it was almost more than she could bear. Did He really care?
She felt the familiar ache build deep in her heart. Sarah knew bad things happened to good people every day. As long as there was evil and sin in the worlds, that wasn’t going to change any time soon. But what could change – and what she needed to change – was her response to sin and evil – just like Bill had told her.
Sarah sighed and looked toward the Bible again. All her life she had felt like she’d been waiting and looking…for something. She had thought it was a ‘someone’ she was waiting for – and maybe in a way, it had been. Maybe she had been looking for God all this time.
Sarah knew she was at a crossroad in her life and she was going to have to choose which path to take. She had been taught all these things as a child, but had turned her back on God after her parents’ deaths. It had been so long since she had felt anyone’s love. Sarah had thought Matt Calvin had loved her, and that had all been a lie, so how could she be sure God loved her? Well for one thing, the Bible told her that he loved her enough to send his son to die on the cross for her sins. That sure sounded like love to her.
Sarah stared back at the little book on the stand and her heart softened. She dropped to her knees at the side of the bed and poured out her heart to her heavenly Father, along with her tears. What had ever made her think she didn’t need Him in her life? That was like saying she didn’t need to breathe.
God, I want to spend eternity with you. I know I’m a sinner. Everyone is; we can’t help it. But I’m asking you to forgive me and let me become one of your children. I’m so sorry I turned away from You. I realize now that was a mistake, and I’ve wasted so much time already.
She stopped whispering the words for a moment as her throat choked up. She needed God’s love so much. How could she have thought she didn’t?
God, it’s been so long since I’ve had parents or family, or anyone who truly cared about me. Please love me and keep me safe in your arms. I could really use a Father right now. Would you be my Father?
Slowly a peace came to her and she felt more than heard the words she had needed to hear her whole life.
“My child, I did not leave you alone then – and you’re not alone now. I’m right here.”
She curled up on the bed and felt a peacefulness she had never known softly sweep over her. Her last thought before she fell asleep was she now had a Father. And whatever happened to her in the future, she would never be alone again.