I wait for that inevitable wall to slam into place, protecting me from everything that is hard and unbearable. Yet, it doesn't come. Instead, all I can really focus on is a low-level fear deep in my belly that something is wrong with the pregnancy.
The fear causes me to feel cold from the inside out, thinking about losing this baby.
"What would that mean?" I ask curiously. "Raising the baby as a team, I mean?"
Bodie shrugs. "We'd have to talk about it. Live together to make things easier? Live apart? Split custody? We definitely couldn't go on any ops or details together ever again. And we'd need to make sure not to go on separate ones at the same time."
That all makes sense, but that's not really satisfying my need for answers. I guess what I really want to know is what it means for us personally. Because if Bodie was going to leave with the baby to go home to Nebraska, that meant our relationship was over. But if he stays here, and we make a go at this co-parenting thing, that means that maybe we aren't over.
I had never considered a future with Bodie. It was never something that was possible. But now I'm sitting here with a man who has proven he cares about me as an individual. Who has been rock steady support to me, and has done nothing but give me happiness and pleasure.
Why would I not want to build something with him? He's the first man I've ever even considered that with.
A small voice penetrates... tells me to be cautious. The heart is a sensitive organ and can be gravely hurt. There are risks, and a relationship is hard work. I've never been cut out for it before, and I'm not sure I am now.
It's something I have to give some serious thought to, because the last thing I want to do is hurt Bodie.
But I also don't want to lose him either.
CHAPTER 19
Bodie
I bang impatiently on Rachel's door, completely not caring it's almost one in the morning. I came here straight from McCarran where we landed not long ago after finishing a security detail for some Saudi prince who is traveling around the United States. He attended some movie premiere in L.A., and we were hired to provide extra security coverage for him.
Rachel, of course, didn't go. The spotting incident scared the shit out of her, and even though Dr. Anchors felt the security work would be fine, she wasn't going to take any chances. She begged off, and Kynan had no problem filling her slot.
I get her fears, and truth be told, I'm glad she decided to lay low for a bit. Get past the scare, make sure everything is okay. I would have worried the whole time--same as her--and that stress can't be good either.
But this walking on eggshells is going to stop. Rachel is going a little overboard, and that ends right this fucking minute.
I bang again, and finally Rachel yells back in a sleepy, grumpy voice that comes closer to the door. "Hold your fucking horses, Wright."
So, she knows it's me at her door, even though I didn't tell her I was coming over after I landed. But really, who else would it be? Besides, she knows my patience is completely worn thin with her.
The scare with the spotting happened over ten days ago. The last three days, I'd been gone on the security detail to L.A., which meant the seven before that Rachel wouldn't let me touch her.
At all.
Okay, sure... she was fine with me staying the night, sleeping with her, and holding her in my arms. But past that, her body was off limits.
And I understood it. She was freaked, and I didn't want to make matters worse. She pointed out time and time again that Dr. Anchors said it could have been caused by sex.
I pointed out right back, "But he didn't say we couldn't have sex. Just that it could cause spotting."
But Rachel is Rachel, and I've come to learn she's stubborn. She wouldn't budge. Wouldn't even fucking let me go down on her to get her off, although I'll grudgingly admit she offered me a blow job every fucking night. I wasn't taking it, though. Not unless she was going to let me give back.
Truth be told, it was fine. I was certainly enjoying staying at her house with her. We cooked meals together, watched movies, and slept in bed wrapped totally around each other. So, it wasn't just fine. It was fucking awesome.
It's just awesome being around Rachel, and she grows softer and more accepting of my care as every day passes. Which meant I didn't grumble too much about the lack of sex.
That changed last night when I talked to her from L.A. I told her to get ready for my return, because I was going to give her an orgasm that was going to make her toes curl so tight she'd never be able to walk again.
She made a purring sound in her throat, which caused my cock to stir to life, and then killed it deader than a doornail when she said, "It's too soon."
"We'll see about that," I'd promised her ominously.
Even though I know Rachel is coming to the door, I bang two more times for posterity. She's good and pissed when she finally swings it open.
"Just what in the hell--"
She doesn't get any further because I sweep her up in my arms like a groom would his bride, and march her right back to her room. I'd like to toss her down and strip her out of her little tank top and boy shorts she's wearing, but I'm cognizant of her fears so I gently lay her down.
"We're not having sex," she sputters, but I also hear amusement in her voice.
"Oh, yes we are," I say as I toss my phone at her. "Read it and weep."
She catches it with a perplexed look on her face, scooting back so she can lean on the pillows that are propped against the headboard. Her eyebrows draw inward as she reads the email I'd pulled up on my screen before I knocked on her door.
I've got it practically memorized because it's very short, and very sweet to me.
Dear Bodie,
My nurse informed me of your call into the office today. Attached please find the prescription you requested.
If I can be of further help, don't hesitate to contact my office.
Sincerely,
W.D. Anchors, M.D.
I pull my shirt over my head while I watch Rachel tap the screen once to pull up the attached PDF file. It's a prescription written by Dr. Anchors.
He had filled in "Rachel Hart" on the line for the patient name and dated the script for today.
Underneath, he wrote: Sex as often as you want with no worries you are harming the baby. Don't be overzealous but have fun. Repeat as necessary.
Rachel's eyes scan the screen, and I'm emboldened when her lips tip upward at the edges. She finally gives me a chastising look. "You bothered Dr. Anchors about this?"
"I thought you were being a little too ridiculous in your fears," I say as I strip out of my jeans. "He was only too happy to help."
She gives me a glare, but it doesn't pack any punch. I climb onto the end of the bed, then crawl my way up her body. Her legs spread slightly, and I'm sure she expects me to crawl all the way up to kiss her.
Instead, I pause and press my face into her pussy, which is covered by her sensible-looking boy shorts done in blue cotton. I inhale deeply and with such appreciation I can't help but groan.
"Oh, God," Rachel murmurs, and I can hear the defeat in her voice just from that one little move.
My head pops up, and I smile at her. She tries a reproachful look back at me, but I'm not having it. I continue my way up her body, yanking my phone from her hand and flinging it aside. Then I'm kissing her. It's a hello kiss as well as an "I'm dying to fuck you" kiss, and a kiss of just of how much I missed her the last few days.
Her fingers slide into my hair and she holds me to her tightly, her tongue sliding against mine.
Finally, I pull away and give her a sober look. "You know you don't have to do this, right? I'm just teasing you about all this. If you're not comfortable with us having sex, you can just give me a blow job."
Rachel laughs, because she knows I won't accept it unless she's getting something in return. "Just be gentle with me," she says softly but quite seriously.
"I promise," I tell her before tilting my head and pres
sing my lips to her jaw.
Then to her neck.
Collarbone.
Center of her chest through the material of her tank top.
Lifting my head up again, I look at her. "We'll start off very gently. Just my mouth ever so softly on your clit until you come."
Rachel cocks an eyebrow at me, then uncharacteristically becomes affectionate by sort of ruffling my hair with her hand. "You do know that the orgasms you give me are so powerful that I'm a little concerned they could rattle the baby a bit. They turn me inside out, Bodie."
I press another kiss to her chest, then look back up at her. "That may be the hottest thing you've ever said to me, Hart."
I get an eye roll, but then her hands are on my head, giving me a hard push to make me move further down her body. She's fully capitulated, and my dick is very hard and very happy in response.
When I reach those little boy shorts, which are admittedly sexy even though they cover a lot, I nip the edge with my teeth and give them a playful tug. I look up at Rachel to find her staring at me so intently I'm stunned to inaction for a moment.
I let the cotton elastic go, and it snaps back into place. "It's the same for me," I say.
Her head tilts to the side. "What's the same?"
"The orgasms you give me are out of this world," I admit, giving her a little bit of power over me. "Never felt anything like them in my life. And do you know what?"
"What?" she whispers almost breathlessly.
"It's because there's something special between us. Call it chemical, call it emotional... I don't give a fuck what you call it. But it's something different, and I know you know it, too."
She's slow to respond, but it's what I want. She nods her head. "Yeah... it's something different. Something special."
The moment is heavy with emotion, and maybe with a little more prodding I could actually get Rachel to admit she cares for me a lot more than she's letting on. But I don't because unless Rachel gets there on her own, it will never be genuine.
So, I give her a wink and a grin. "Well, I got your special right here, baby. Spread those legs and I'll show you."
Much, much later...
"How do you feel?" I ask as I cocoon my body around her. There's something to be said for going slow and taking my time. I never knew gentleness could be so sexy, especially when Rachel became lost to pleasure and begged me to go harder.
"I feel wrecked in a good way," she murmurs in return, her voice sounding replete, happy, and drowsy all at once.
I tighten my arm slightly around her stomach, bringing her closer to my body. Sliding my hand up, I palm a breast; not for arousal but only for possessiveness. Rachel squirms to get deeper into my embrace.
"My parents are flying in Sunday for a visit," I tell her, completely expecting the total jerking of her body in surprise. "They always try to come in once a year, do a little gambling. Plus, the Fourth of July is always a good time to visit Vegas."
"Really?" she asks, her voice a little high pitched.
"They want to meet you," I continue.
Rachel squirms like a greased pig against my hold, and flips her body to face me. I rest a reassuring hand on her hip and try not to be amused by the panic on her face.
"Why do they want to meet me?" she asks fearfully.
"Relax there, Hart," I tease, dropping my hand to squeeze her ass. "They want to meet you because you're carrying their grandbaby. Because they know you're giving up a part of your life... doing something selfless to give me something, when you could have taken the easy way out. Why wouldn't they want to meet you?"
Rachel shakes her head in disbelief. "Why do you do that? Why do you make me sound like a hero when I'm not? I'm a woman who is abandoning her child. Do you know how fucked up it is to have you hold me up as a saint?"
"I don't see it like that, Rachel," I say solemnly. "You could have terminated the pregnancy and never even told me about it. You could have terminated the pregnancy after you told me about it. No, you're not a saint, and I personally like the sinful side of you, but you are a good, decent human being. I find no fault with you if you don't want to be a mom. Plenty of women out there don't want to be--plenty of women who selflessly give their child up to a loving family--and anyone who thinks that's wrong is just living in the dark ages."
She doesn't respond, just lets her gaze drop to my chest while she nibbles on her lower lip.
"But Rachel," I say softly, and she looks slowly back up to me. "I don't believe for a second you don't want anything to do with the baby."
She doesn't agree with me, but she doesn't deny it either. Instead, she presses her hand to my chest. It touches me deeper than just her skin on mine. It's a hesitant plea almost. "What did you tell them about me?"
"Just the basics. That this wasn't a good time in your life. That you're at the height of your career, and you're amazing at what you do."
"Do they know that you and I are..."
"Fucking?" I ask with a grin.
"In a monogamous, sexual relationship," she counters with a glare.
"Ahh, you admit this is a relationship then?" I tease, my hand now going to her lower back to pull her in closer to me. "Yes... I told them that you and I were... well, together. For now."
"Until after the baby is born," she says. I hate that it makes me feel good, but I do like how she sounds glum about the notion.
I need to lighten the mood a little, because Rachel doesn't need to be stuck too deep into her thoughts. She's on the right path to figuring this out for herself. I'm confident she'll get there.
So I say, "They did have a concern."
"What's that?" she asks, her body stiffening in my arms.
"They're a little worried about the age difference," I say as seriously as I can. "My dad in particular... worried that a woman nine years older can't keep up with me."
Rachel just stares at me, uncomprehending such a thing.
"They figure at your age, your stamina probably isn't what it used to--"
Her fingers give a hard, twisting pinch to my nipple, which causes me to yelp like a girl.
"You're an asshole," she mutters, and I laugh that she's so easily goaded. But then I'm not laughing when her mouth goes to my chest and her tongue eases the sting. My cock awakens and stirs restlessly against my leg.
"If you don't stop," I warn gruffly as my hand now moves up to cup the back of her head, holding her in place. "I'm going to fuck you again."
She licks around my nipple.
Presses a soft kiss there.
Lifting her head, she looks at me with a fire stoked back up in her eyes. "Yes. You are going to fuck me again."
CHAPTER 20
Rachel
Estelle and George--or Geo as he likes to be called--are nothing and everything like I expected.
I knew because Bodie is a good, decent, and loyal man that his parents would be near about the same. I expected them to be kind, gracious, and down to earth. I expected them to be simple, but not in a bad way. Simple in that they derive their pleasures in life from simple things, mostly of which would be family.
What I didn't expect was how warm they would be to me. Maybe because Estelle is a farmer's wife and is used to taking care of people, she immediately cocooned me in a warm hug and proceeded to give me affirmation over the rough choices I've had to make. Maybe because Geo is a hardworking man with drive and dedication, he spent a lot of time asking me about what I do for Jameson, completely impressed that a woman can hang with the men.
They made me feel secure in where I stood at this point in my life.
They made me realize it's okay to be a crazy mess of a woman who really doesn't know what she wants anymore. In no uncertain terms, they told me exactly what Bodie's been telling me... that it's okay to have doubts and fears, but that they were confident my heart would lead me to the right decision.
All of this occurred within just hours of meeting them. Bodie invited me to dinner with them, and I reluctantly agreed. I had
to do it because Bodie told me his mom was going to come here as I got closer to the birth. She wanted to be on hand to help Bodie with the baby, so I needed to get to know her.
By the end of dinner, I honestly felt like I'd made two new friends in Estelle and Geo Wright. Bodie just smiled at me in a knowing way, confident as he always was that his parents would make me feel at ease with everything.
It's why I'm strolling arm and arm with Estelle along the midway, stopping periodically to watch Bodie and his dad participate in some game to win one of us a stuffed animal. Bodie invited me to go with his parents to the Boulder City Damboree to celebrate the Fourth of July. It started with a huge pancake breakfast this morning, which tasted especially delicious, so I had extra since I was eating for two. We then strolled through shops, listened to live music, and generally basked in the carnival-like atmosphere the town creates to celebrate Independence Day. Tonight, there will be more music, and I'm told the best fireworks show in the entire Las Vegas valley.
"Let's try this one," Bodie says with the excitement of a five-year-old, giving his dad a slight punch to his shoulder. It's a classic 'pop a balloon with a dart' game, and Bodie is eyeballing a massive purple panda bear that is as big as I am.
Bodie and Geo pull their wallets out while Estelle and I stand back from them a bit, watching them try to win the big prize.
"Rachel," Estelle says softly, and it's a tone that has me cringing a bit. While we've had a general group discussion on the dynamics of what's going on with Bodie, the baby, and me, it's not gotten overly personal. Estelle's tone tells me it's about to. I turn to her, a placid look on my face. "I know you and Bodie have probably had some really deep talks about all of this, but I just wanted to offer my ear to you. I'm a mother and a woman, and I'm not sure if you've got girlfriends or family to support you, but I'm here if you need to talk. Even after I go back to Nebraska, you can call anytime."
A knot of emotion swells in my chest, more than honor or gratitude at her offer. It's almost like I fall a little bit in love with Bodie's mom right there and then.