Even though I can't stand him in this moment, I grudgingly accept Tank's advice and suck in a deep breath. I cock my arm, take aim, and laser my eyes onto the target.
Launch.
Strike.
Direct hit to the testicles yet again.
Fury at my own ineptitude paralyzes me for a moment. It's how I felt when I saw Joram take a bullet, and then an image of Tank smirking at me fills my gaze. He's not actually smirking at me right now because I'm still staring at the knife lodged firmly in the center of the dummy's groin, but I can just imagine it.
The paralyzed feeling melts away, and I'm able to move. In a burst of frustration, my hand flies out, sweeping the entire knife case off the table beside me. It goes flying a good ten feet before the knives clatter out against the concrete flooring.
"You stupid motherfucking useless testicle-guided butter knives," I yell at my adversaries, cringing when the echo of my own petulant tantrum is thrown back at me.
There's immediate silence in the gym, as if every single person stopped what they were doing to look my way. My head drops, and I stare at my tennis shoes for a moment before I get up the courage to look over at Tank. He's staring at me with his jaw dropped.
Tears spring to my eyes, and I'm horrified when they start to spill over my bottom lids. Tank's eyebrows disappear into his military-style buzz cut, but I only see that for a blessedly brief moment before his entire face becomes hazy through the water in my eyes.
"Fuck," I mutter and spin away from Tank and the knives. I dart across a small area set up with a squat rack where Sal Mezzina and Benji Darden are working out. As I jog past, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, Sal calls in his thick Bronx accent, "Hey Hart... what are the tears for? On the rag or something?"
It's not the first period joke I've heard from my male coworkers, and it's never bothered me before. But apparently, my hormones were in a state of dormancy prior to getting knocked up, and a fresh wave of tears well in my eyes.
Another wave of pure rage rockets through me, heating me up from the inside out. I swear I can even feel my earlobes sizzling.
I veer left and change course without thinking, barreling right at Sal. Through the tears and fury, I see his eyes grow wide. He opens his mouth and holds his hands up in slow motion as if to stop me, but my hands slam right into his chest and he goes flying. Right through the back of the squat rack and onto his ass with a resounding thud.
I come to stand over the top of him, legs spread wide and hands on my hips.
"I've got your rag for you, you fucking sexist pig," I scream.
He stares up at me as if I have horns sprouting from the top of my head. The way I feel right this moment, it wouldn't surprise me to find them there. My body is not my own.
This enrages me further and I open my mouth to lay every vile curse word in my arsenal on him, when an arm circles me from behind.
Because I know his body so well, I recognize the planes and contours of Bodie's chest as I'm hauled backward into it.
I'm offended he'd think to stop me in the middle of my tirade; especially since, as a woman being shamed for her period, I have a right to be incensed. Doesn't matter that it has never bothered me before, or that I've always taken it as the type of ribbing from male teammates that means I'm part of their inner circle of trust.
"Easy does it, Hart," Bodie murmurs in my ear in an attempt to calm me, but I'm thinking that would require some serious anti-psychotic medication at this point.
"Fuck you, Bodie," I yell as I wrench out of his grasp. Well, he actually lets me go quite easily, and that he knows just what my boundaries are pisses me off even more.
Bodie stares at me warily, face etched with concern. He doesn't spare a glance at Sal still sitting on the floor.
I think it might even be okay... that I can come out of this without any embarrassment, but those stupid fucking tears start again, sliding down my cheeks in frustratingly itchy rivulets. Bodie's expression goes from worried to pitying, and it's the straw that breaks this pregnant psycho's back.
"Fuck you," I snarl at Bodie before looking at Sal again. "And fuck you. Don't ever say something like that to me again."
Sal gives me a tight nod, but I don't give a fuck if he agrees with my right to claim a harassment-free environment. He's already forgotten as I spin on my heel and barrel through the glass door that leads into the coed locker room.
I stomp across to my locker, and I'm so furious I can't get my combo entered correctly. On the second attempt, I'm cursing.
On the third, I'm crying harder.
"Rachel..." My body locks tight at the sound of Bodie's voice behind me. "What's wrong?"
I ignore him, take a deep breath, and try the combo again.
Bingo. It fucking works. Hallelujah. Something is going right in my life.
"You know Sal was just kidding with you, right?" he says.
I spin on him, incredulously glaring at his insensitivity. And I see it on his face as clear as day. He knows that's a stupid remark to make to a hormonal pregnant female who was just teased about something that makes her distinctly female in a heavily male-dominated working environment.
He said it specifically to provoke me into conversation, even at the risk of inciting more fury from me.
I can't help it. I just break.
Right in half.
More tears come pouring out, and my chest tightens with anxiety that I'm having this meltdown.
At work.
In front of Bodie.
"I'm a fucking mess," I wail loudly, and then my face is mashed into Bodie's sweaty chest because his arms are around me. I take in a deep breath, appreciate the male sweat along with his strength for just a moment, and then pull my head back so I can speak. "My knife-throwing skills are for shit. I can only hit the nut sack, and that will put my teammates in jeopardy. Sure, a knife to the balls will drop someone, but it's not a kill shot and sometimes I'll need a kill shot. And Sal... he's a douche. And I think he's on steroids, which makes him a bigger douche, and he has no fucking right to talk about my period, which I no longer have because I'm pregnant. Knocked up. I'm going to get fat, and it's going to fucking hurt so bad when I give birth. And Bodie... did you know that these hormones cause zits? I'm breaking out on my chin, and I haven't had fucking acne since I was sixteen and--"
My face is mashed back into his chest with his big hand cupping my head. I feel his lips press to the top of my head, and he rocks me slightly back and forth. For a glorious few minutes, I accept his strength. I burrow into him and revel in the cocoon of his arms wrapped around me. My tears dry up, and my chest loosens slightly.
But that moment of respite fades as I take in the sounds around me. Lockers being closed, and the dull murmur of voices.
My head snaps up, and I push slightly away from Bodie to look around. There are three other people here in various stages of undress. Ice prickles down my spine as I realize... Bodie hadn't wrapped me in a tight hug with my face pressed to his chest to comfort me. He'd tried to stop my tirade, which had included bemoaning the fact I'm pregnant even though it was supposed to be a secret.
"Jesus Christ," I murmur, and my head drops in shame over my own stupidity. Tears form in my eyes again when I realize the cat is out of the bag, and I feel tremendously sorry for myself. That thin thread of control I had regained from Bodie's strength is starting to slip, and I'm afraid I might scream in frustration.
My body tightens up defensively, waiting for Bodie to offer me solace again. If he does, I think it might break me completely.
Instead, I jolt and my head jerks up to look at him in surprise when he says, "You need to suck it up, Hart."
His voice is low.
Calm.
Assured.
His expression is neutral without any condemnation over my tantrum.
"Excuse me?" I say through the hoarse buildup of emotion in my throat. My eyes dry up like a sponge was pressed to the corners.
"Suck up the taunts
from guys like Sal," he says in a commanding tone that's still so low only I can hear it. "If you can't suck it up, stay away from the locker room and gym until your hormones cool down. Or come to me. You can let it out on me. At the very least, I'll fuck it out of you."
Many women would be offended by his blase, cold attitude. But honestly... it's exactly what I needed to reorient myself.
If Bodie had touched me in sympathy or tried to comfort me again, I'd have probably gone ape shit.
He knew.
He absolutely fucking knew what I needed. I needed him to tell me to be strong. Just before that, I needed him to hug me, and he knew that, too.
He gave me what I needed both times without me even asking for it.
Bodie's fingers come under my chin, forcing me to look up at him. He steps in just slightly and murmurs, "You come to me. You got it?"
I give him a slight nod.
"I've got your back, Rachel," he says softly. "Always."
I want to cry again, but I don't.
Instead, I marvel at something that's uncurling from deep within my chest.
Never once since I fucked Bodie or found out I was pregnant had I ever considered developing feelings for him. I saw this as an arrangement. A way for me to take responsibility for my poor choices when it came to safe sex.
It never occurred to me that Bodie could provoke something inside of me.
But those words.
I've got your back, Rachel. Always.
I have no clue what Bodie is to me, but he is most definitely not just a sperm donor or casual fuck anymore.
CHAPTER 9
Bodie
"Olson manages to get a stick on the puck, kicks it out, and Fabritis pulls it free. Across to Samuelson and... he scores! Garrett Samuelson over the right shoulder of Bertrand to put the Cold Fury up four to two."
"Goal," Cage yells, throwing his hands up in victory as the hockey players on TV are all hugs and backslaps. "That fucking Stanley Cup is ours again this year."
I laugh and shake my head. Cage is from North Carolina and sort of psycho for his Carolina Cold Fury. He went to every game of the Stanley Cup finals last year where they won. I expect he'll do the same this year if they make it past this round of the playoffs.
As for hockey, not my thing. Growing up in the Midwest, it was all about football. Cornhusker football to be exact. One of the things I miss most about my dad is watching college football on Saturday's together. I expect if I head home with a baby that tradition will be in place once again, which is a good thing.
"Another beer, Bodie?" the bartender asks, and I nod.
"Me too," Cage says before he picks up his pint glass and drains the rest. I'd gladly said yes when he invited me out for a late lunch and some beers while he watched the hockey game on TV. We're at our favorite sports bar in Vegas, and we're well known here.
The bartender snags our empties and discards them into a sink behind the bar. She grabs two more chilled glasses from a cooler and pours our drafts.
The hockey game cuts away to a commercial for a sports drink, and our fresh beers are slid in front of us. Just as I pick mine up to take a sip, Cage says, "So Hart's pregnant, huh?"
My glass freezes halfway to my mouth for just a second before I regain my senses. I take a large mouthful and then set the pint glass on the counter, carefully calculating my response. Clearly her meltdown in the locker room has made the gossip rounds.
"Yeah," I say, turning to look at him. "She was just having a rough day, I guess."
"That's wild," Cage says thoughtfully. "Thinking about Hart being pregnant, that is. I can't think of a woman who is less motherly than her."
It shouldn't bother me... those words.
But they do.
They bother me because he's right. Rachel has made it clear she doesn't want to be a mom at this point in her life. But he's also wrong. She's also wrong.
I can see the potential within her.
"I wonder if Kynan knocked her up," he muses before taking a sip of his beer.
"Why would you say that?" I ask. It comes out a little too aggressively.
Cage turns his head to look me in the eye. "Oh, come on. They've got a past. Fuck buddies and all that."
My abdomen contracts painfully, like I'd been kicked right in the gut. The news is jarring.
"They're fuck buddies?" I ask, my throat dry. I'm not sure why it bothers me, because what she did in her past shouldn't matter.
Not really.
I've watched her fuck random men at The Wicked Horse, and that's never bothered me. Still doesn't, as a matter of fact, because I know it was meaningless.
Just like the women I've fucked there were meaningless.
But Kynan?
That's not meaningless. They've known each other a long fucking time. Since before The Jameson Group.
"How do you know they're fuck buddies?" I ask, trying to appear casual about my inquiry.
Cage shrugs. "Well, it's just rumor really. Some of the original members like Sal and Tank were talking about it in the locker room earlier today. Said they were an item back in the day."
After Rachel had her public meltdown and then jetted out of there. It took no more than a few minutes before all the guys were gossiping like a bunch of clucking hens.
And what the fuck does "back in the day" even mean?
I pick up my beer and start chugging. I'd like Rachel to clear up those matters for me. Otherwise, I'll drive myself batty wondering about it. Right now, she's fucking me exclusively, but I need to know if she's got feelings for Kynan. I respect the dude, and I respect Rachel. I don't want to stand in the way of something.
I also don't want to have these nasty-ass feelings I've got going on right now, which are ranging from jealousy to anger.
"It's got to be Kynan, right?" Cage chatters on. I continue swallowing large mouthfuls of beer. "I mean... they've got a history, and Hart's not the type to have unprotected sex. If it happened, it was planned is the way I'm thinking. Kynan's got to be the dad for sure--"
"It's mine," I croak after swallowing the last of my beer, sucking air through my teeth. I slam my glass on the bar, and turn to lock my eyes to Cage's.
His eyes go round, his mouth dropping wide open. "Yours?"
"Mine," I say proprietarily, and I wonder if that's for the baby, Rachel, or both. I wait for a flash of guilt to hit me that I've divulged our secret. Rachel most certainly didn't want anyone to know she's pregnant just yet. She didn't want to be treated differently by the guys, but that cat is out of the bag thanks to her hormonal rant earlier today.
She also doesn't want anyone to know we're involved, and I get that, too. It's an unspoken rule, and it will make things awkward. Since I've been with Jameson, there's never been a romantic or sexual relationship between members. Or at least not out in the open anyway.
But Cage is my best friend, and I wanted him to stop talking about Kynan and her being together. It was getting on my nerves.
"What the fuck?" Cage growls in a low voice. "You and Hart? Together?"
"Well, we're not together-together," I hedge as I push my empty glass to the edge. The bartender starts my way, but I shake my head, indicating I don't want another. "But things got carried away between us in Paphos, and she got pregnant."
"What... break a condom?"
"Didn't use a condom," I mutter.
"You fucking idiot," Cage says. I couldn't agree with him more, but what's done is done. Now we have to accept the consequences. "But what do you mean you're not together-together? That means you're together in some way?"
"We're fucking." My words are pointed and clear. They shouldn't invite other questions, but I still add, "Exclusively."
"Lucky son of a bitch." Cage shakes his head disbelievingly. "She's pretty much every man's fantasy."
"Yeah, well stop thinking about her that way." I cringe over the possessive snarl in my tone, but it's better than peeing in a circle around Rachel. That would just be embarrassing.
/>
As if it just hits Cage with the implications of everything he's learned, he leans toward me and asks in a low, hesitant voice. "Are y'all going to get married or something?"
That makes me smile, because it just never crosses Cage's mind to ask if we're keeping the baby. He's my closest friend in the world, the bond forged tight by the many hair-raising adventures we've shared in the Navy and with the Jameson Group. He knows I would never consider not having this kid.
I also know I need to tell him the truth because I can't lie to him. But I also trust him to keep this confidential.
Leaning against the back of the barstool, I scrub my hands over my face. When I look back at him, my words start on an exhale. "Rachel doesn't want the baby, but I do. She's agreed to carry it, and I'm going to raise it."
Cage just stares at me, blinking a few times as he reconciles the fucked-up dichotomy of my relationship with Rachel. The total reversal of stereotyped roles where the mother doesn't want the baby, but the father does.
"How?" Cage demands angrily. "How are you going to raise a kid on your own?"
"You know how," I say softly, acknowledging the heaviness in my heart that I'll be giving up a career I love in exchange. "The baby has to be my first priority. Over everything."
"You'll go home to Nebraska," Cage says in realization, his voice as heavy sounding as my heart is feeling. "Estelle and Geo will go crazy over another grandkid."
That's the truth. Cage knows my parents well since he's been a guest at the Wright household many times over the years. He has no family of his own, so my mom and dad have unofficially adopted him.
"You know I can't have this career and handle a kid on my own. There's just no way."
"And no chance Hart will change her mind?" he asks. "The two of you could do it together."
"I have no clue," I tell my best friend, and then look over to the bartender. I lift my hand and point to the empty, indicating I've changed my mind about the beer. There's still two more periods to the hockey game, and while I really don't care to finish watching it, Cage will. I might as well get a good buzz going as that might make things at least feel a little better.
The bartender nabs my empty, dumps it in the sink, and pours me a fresh beer.
"You care for her," Cage says out of the blue when I pick the beer up for a sip. His tone is a mix of accusation and wonder. "I watched you run out of the gym after her this morning. You were hugging her in the locker room--according to the reports I heard. More importantly, Hart was letting you comfort her, and we all know that's very anti-Hart. You two care for each other."