The plane began to board passengers and I found my seat next to Ashlee. I was still her boyfriend in my mind. Trae Lae would be my girlfriend when I got back. She needed space and I wondered if it were time I gave that gift to her.
She insisted I go and still I longed for her voice to convince me to stay. I could have made that decision on my own, but I didn’t think it was my place to point verdicts.
Leaving without a hopeful goodbye, whispering on interests I wished to share with her. I saw the deceit in her eyes. My trip to Indiana flaw worthy. I hoped I did the right thing as I acted in that a charismatic mindset.
Turbulence on liftoff made me wonder if I made the correct choice in going overseas.
Aunt Macee gathered I would not be her boy to toy with any longer. Newspaper package arrived for me enclosed with a confessional apology. Behind the sorry, a bond booklet full of diary entries, those titled by none other than my mother, Scarlett James.
Broken pieces of the red bindings of my mother’s journal fell on the ground. I opened to page one and read thoughts she once felt. Her words filled with despair, but somehow I loved the way they were spelled.
Her penmanship perfect in size accuracy. I saw the divots and swirls of letters I wished I’d known more. Sentences of her hopeful mind and terrible temptations laid out in perfect sequences along the lined paper. Scribbles of her furious words with none other than black and red ink. Stains of curiosity lingered at every dog-eared corner. Phrases sparking something I had never insisted on believing before, that my absent dead mother was once a normal well-mannered woman.
Flipping through careless notary scenes I found myself at the beginning of the last entry. Breath taken from me I shook my head in disbelief. This was the ending of her journaling, the conclusion in which started the destination to the completion of existence.
“Darkness surrounded the light around me and at once I knew I would never be safe from its grasp. Suddenly taking over the body I claimed as my own, turning my skin, hair, blood, tears and lastly my soul as black as it was. The drug doing more than creating a haven for me. It swallowed me into a world I recognized not. Dealing out the lies and betrayals I was always warned against. Immobile, the lingering hope to once have the clarity of being normal. I ran my fingertips over my bulging abdomen. A boy lived and grew strong inside me. His heartbeat far stronger, even wiser than I could ever hope mine to be. I hope one day he would understand the person I was before the miscellaneous bad choices. For if it wasn’t for the obvious avalanche I put myself under, maybe I would enjoy the vision of a man I willed for you to become, son.”
Her last words untangling the belief she was corrupted and an evil doer. Sobs tried to invade my personal space as I felt completely irrelevant. Tiniest physical creatures had no comparison to the way my entire reality unfolded. I stood seven again, my birthday right around the corner a milestone in my life I can always remember. My aunt made a grand display of her material affection for me. My mother’s presence occupying the presents she tried to persuade with. Wrinkles upon her aged face retold the horror stories I couldn’t help but try and wipe clean.
I tried to see Scarlett as a friend, as she walked toward me bearing a hug and not a monster truck. Her palms open with hope and understanding, instead that off racecars and candy. I loved that about her, she asked for nothing in return and simply stated this was her way to accept the boy she once carried. I couldn’t recall her image until finding that long lost photograph the edges nearly burnt away with sisterly anger.
I found myself fantasizing, she spoke softly and told me she loved me. I half-heartedly smiled, she was an angel I found myself guarding on that day. As I opened my eyes to see her once more, she strolled to the back patio. I tried to follow, pleading with her to bring me to her Heaven. In time, we will be together once again, a bright light absorbing her indefinitely.
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