After a little while, I got a kink in my thigh, and Daddy gave me a massage. I’d never had a deep one like that before and it felt totally wonderful. Daddy was so pleased he said he’d give me a massage as often as I wanted. I giggled and said, “How about three or four times every day?” Then I felt uncomfortable, so I jumped up and said I’d race him to the house.
He beat me to the patio, of course, and we both sprawled out on chairs huffing and puffing. After a bit he called Cook and asked her to bring out some refreshments.
As we sat there and talked Daddy seemed to be getting more and more mellow. I finally thought that I could talk to him about my having a birthday party here with kids from school and a “few others.” I wasn’t quite ready to mention “boys.”
At first, Daddy seemed very happy about it. Then he looked sad and said he had made arrangements at the nicest hotel in San Francisco. He bit his lip and tried to pretend that his plans didn’t matter, but I could see that he was hurt. He had booked a small private dining room overlooking the bay for us and a couple of San Francisco friends. He’d chartered a yacht for one day and also talked to Sister Mary about my taking two days off from school.
There weren’t real tears in his eyes, but I could see that he felt like I would have felt if I’d made a big thing out of his birthday and then he’d just blown me off.
I jumped out of my chair and sat on his lap and hugged him and kissed his cheek. I wouldn’t hurt him for anything, especially not now that he is taking anger management classes and he has become more mellow! I think…I hope…
I kissed him again and told him my birthday was no big deal, and that I really hadn’t given it much thought at all.
Lie! Big, big lie!
I’ve been pretending again, writing down names of guests and colors for the tablecloths, making a menu that kids would like, checking on small bands, and what I’m going to wear, etc.
I’m glad Daddy got an important phone call exactly when he did because I was about to be torn in half. Now I’ve got to practice pretending that Daddy’s San Francisco birthday gift is the greatest gift in the world…which, of course, it isn’t! But I can’t hurt him! I won’t!
Thursday, April 1
I cried all last night! I had been so looking forward to having Mark and David and Jennifer and all the other kids over. I’d really spent a lot of time thinking about decorations and things. I knew Mr. and Mrs. Jolettea and Cook would do anything for me. In my mind I could still see the colored lights hanging around the tennis court and the cabana, and the band playing, and me dancing with Mark every single dance! Well, maybe not every dance. We’d need some time for wandering around the yard and through the house, even though I knew Daddy would have plenty of chaperones around.
I feel so empty inside, sort of like a hollow person with all their brain functioning and physical attributes out of whack. I don’t know how I’m ever going to go to school. Sister Mary will think I’m on drugs or something. Maybe I can play sick. Play sick! I really am sick, sick of never being allowed to be the real me.
10:05 P.M.
I lived through today and I really didn’t think I would. Twice I started crying for no reason at all, and Sister Mary came and comforted me. She really is a wonderful, wonderful, thoughtful person, and I love her. I really do! And I’ll never look at her negatively again!
When I got home, I hurried into Mama’s room. She was waiting for me, all dressed and sitting in a chair reading. It was like the old Mama in the back of my mind; make believe or real I didn’t know, but I didn’t care.
We talked about school and how I felt, and about Daddy’s two-day surprise birthday party for me in San Francisco, that now wouldn’t be a surprise at all!
Mama was so caring and sweet that she almost made me feel normal again. It’s healing and restoring to have a comforter. I am so glad she’s getting better…or off the drugs or whatever the evil half-man, half-ape doctor and his ghoul nurse are giving her. Someday soon I’m going to beg Daddy to get rid of both of them and get a nice know-what-they-are-doing doctor, like Dr. Phil on TV, so Mama can become her old real self again.
Friday, my birthday! April 16
7:10 P.M.
My birthday party in San Francisco was fun, but not what I really had wanted! We did all the San Francisco things: cable cars, Chinatown, Fisherman’s Pier, and Alcatraz Prison, the island where the country’s most dangerous prisoners were kept in the old days.
I loved being on the yacht—the wind blowing my hair and the fragrance of saltwater occasionally splashing as we roller-coasted over a big wave.
Mama had stayed at the hotel. Daddy had told her he thought she should. He and I loved the excitement of it all. We went way out, far from land, and did some fishing, putting bait on hooks, catching and gutting. The baiting and gutting I didn’t like, but Daddy said I needed to learn how, so I did it. Yuck!
We even saw some sharks and other fish that were almost flying up out of the water.
We gave the fish we had caught to a couple of workers on the boat. Two of the fish were huge, and Daddy had to help me reel the monster I caught in.
While Daddy was taking a nap on the deck, I pretended Mark and Jennifer and David were with us. We were running all over the boat and playing games, diving off the boat into the water and chasing dolphins, etc. Daddy tried hard, but he couldn’t ever be a kid again! I wish he could understand that! Adults are funny that way.
Saturday, April 17
Last night was the most horrible night of my life. After dinner, Daddy asked Mama if she would like to stay in the hotel. She said she would. Daddy asked if she was sure about that and she said she was. I wanted her to come with us to see the night side of San Francisco but what Daddy even intimated was what Mama and I did!
Daddy had had a few drinks during dinner, and I wasn’t really comfortable around him. But I had no choice….
As were riding in the limo from one gross place to another even more crude, vulgar place, I wanted to throw up.
I knew Daddy had been drinking heavily or he wouldn’t ever have taken me to places like that. I wished I could get him to drink soda like I was, but nobody tells Daddy what to do!
I thought I’d explode if I drank any more soda, but while I went to the ladies’ room, Daddy ordered another one for me and I took a few sips just to please him. I was feeling woozy and wondering what was happening when Daddy suddenly grabbed me in a real hurting way. I started crying and tried to pull away but Daddy just laughed.
After a little while the music seemed to get louder and the lights brighter and flashing faster and faster in bright colors. People were…it wasn’t really dancing. It was too obscene for words, and my beautiful dress was being torn to shreds.
Pictures of Sister Mary and Sister Martha and the other nuns raced on top of each other through my blurred mind as we all seemed to be sinking together down to hell. I tried to scream, “Help…help…help,” but the sounds were blurred and getting fainter.
Two giant men came from nowhere and pulled me away from Daddy and wrestled him to the floor. A waiter was holding me up while Daddy screamed and cursed and threatened and lashed out at them with his arms and legs. Finally they overpowered him and went through his pockets and found our hotel card.
From way out in space I could hear someone say, “We can put this perp in a cab and send him back to the hotel, but what about the girl? She has to be way under age.” I heard someone, in the far fuzzy distance saying, “Get rid of both of them. I don’t care where they go.”
Then someone put me in a cab.
I woke up in my hotel room and thought I had had a horrible nightmare.
Another picture of pious Sister Mary and the other nuns flashed through my mind, and I was almost sure Daddy and I had both gone to hell. I’d heard enough about that in my many years of Catholic school. We had to have been in hell!
I didn’t know what time it was or what day it was when Daddy woke me up and told me to shower and get dressed
. I pretended nothing had happened, but I think Daddy was so drunk last night he couldn’t remember. I certainly don’t want Mama to know anything.
When I got out of the shower, I noticed the clothes I had worn last night were gone. It was beyond scary! A sensation of oppression and helplessness swept over me, boxed me in, imprisoned me!
Slowly I managed to, with great effort, dress, fix my hair, and brush my teeth. All of it seemed like an automatic reflex.
Time passed and Mama knocked on my door and asked if I was ready for breakfast. That seemed strange because Mama rarely, if ever, eats breakfast.
We walked to the elevator and then to the dining room without saying a word to each other.
At probably the most ostentatious table in the luxurious skyroom, Daddy sat like he was a deity. He stood up when he saw us and helped us to our seats. Then he began talking about our boat trip and all the other things…except what had happened last night. Mama and I both knew by the look on his face that we were never to mention that incident again, ever!
I pretended to sleep on our way home. Having my brain rattling with the good things that might have been on my birthday! Poor, poor Daddy was drugged and drunk. I’m sure he didn’t even remember what had happened.
Monday, May 10
It’s been almost four weeks since the San Francisco thing, and I know Daddy is really sorry. He’s been treating both me and Mama like we are queens. I know Daddy was under the influence of something, otherwise he would never, never, never have taken me to that place.
Tuesday, May 11
It’s so wonderful to be home in our nice safe place and have Jennifer coming over to study and play tennis and swim, like it was before San Francisco! It’s even more wonderful to spend long periods talking to Mark. He tells me all about his schoolwork and after-school things. He also tells me about his parents and brothers, and they seem so funny and always happy. I can’t wait to meet them. But there is a little scared place inside me that worries about his parents and them liking me as much as I like them.
Oh please, please Holy Father, and Mary, Mother of Jesus, help me and forgive me and heal me. Make me clean again!
Wednesday, May 12
The birds are beginning to sing again and the sun is beginning to shine. God is with me and I am in many ways semi-happy, but for some cold, scary reason I can’t be at all comfortable around Daddy. I don’t know what I will ever do if he wants me to go out to dinner with him or even play tennis or swim. I felt even before we went to San Francisco that he was getting much too physical. Or is it me? Have the nuns brainwashed me into thinking all right things are wrong?
Oops…the phone…see ya.
It was Mark and he really wants to see me again. Some of his friends are coming to a Lecture Meeting Party on Friday night. Melek, Mark’s friend, is bringing his father, a very important doctor who works with stem cells. David says he’s so intelligent that he’s off the charts, but he’s also funny and entertaining. Then we will dance and play games and stuff, and of course eat. We talked for the longest time about the funny-sounding Lecture Meeting Party, and my heart longs to go, but…
Oops…phone again. I hope it’s Jennifer! Mark said David was going to call her, and I didn’t want to tie up her line, so I’ve been nervously waiting.
I can’t believe this! Jennifer’s parents are going to let her go to Mark’s party! Her dad knows a lot about Mark’s dad’s business and has even done some things with him. Jennifer cooed like a four-year-old. They are going to let their bitty baby girl go to the party with boys, but her big brothers will have to take her there and bring her back. She said a nasty phrase then that would have kept her home from parties for the rest of her life! I shivered and hoped that no member of her family was on the line.
I called Mark back and told him I could come. He was elated. I was scared! How? How could I ever manage to get out of the house and back in while Mama and Daddy were there? Could I bribe Cook or maybe Mr. Jolettea to smuggle me out and smuggle me back in again? That would be dangerous, but…
2:37 A.M.
I’ve finally decided that the only possible way for me to get to the party is to use the emergency rope fire ladder again. It’s big and it’s heavy, but I gotta do what I gotta do!
Jennifer is pretty sure her oldest brother, Steve, will help me. He knows me well from being at their house, and Jennifer has told him often about how strict my parents are. That would take me straight to the rainbow. I’m so happy I’m about to pop right here in my bed!
Tuesday, May 18
I woke up dreaming that Mark and I were dancing to a slow song. He was holding me gently and sweetly…not like a cannibal that wanted to eat me! That wasn’t a nice thing to say about Daddy and hopefully I’ll never feel that way again, but…Sometimes he does scare me, and I wish he would send me to a convent! But…I don’t know…I’m so mixed up and lost inside myself. If Mama didn’t have such a crazy therapist, I’d ask him how loony I am and if I’ll ever get myself together.
Three days till I see Mark!
The sun is up and the sprinklers are on and the birds are singing their hearts out, just for me. Mark said last night on the phone that I was the only girlfriend he had ever had, and then we laughed about the few stolen hours we’d ever had together. Mark hates it that we had to lie. I hate it, too, but I know my daddy better than he does!
Mark often talks about wanting to talk to Daddy or send him a long letter or something.
He even once mentioned that he would like to invite my parents over to meet his parents. Little did he know! But then little did I know about his parents except that from what he said they seemed even nicer and kinder and more thoughtful than Jennifer’s, if that’s possible.
Wednesday, May 19
I called Mark after school today. He wasn’t there but his mother was. She seemed so thoughtful and kind that I instantly felt comfortable with her, which is really uncommon for me! I’m totally suspicious of everyone! She told me that Mark talked about me often and how happy she was that he had met a nice girl who had an optimistic, sunshiny attitude about life, education, and all the other things that mattered.
I hadn’t had any idea how dysfunctional my family was until I met Jennifer and Mark. And I am happy about going to the Lecture Meeting Party.
Thursday, May 20
Today I could hardly concentrate on anything at school! My mind was sloshing around about what I was going to wear and how I’d fix my hair and how I’d sneak out and back in again, especially carrying the heavy emergency fire ladder. It is mostly made of rope, but it is still really heavy! I know! From carrying it both out and in the last time!
I almost had an electric shock of fear that shot me off my chair. What if? There were so many “what ifs” that my brain was scrambled like eggs. It’s scary as anything, but I can’t not go! Neither can I stop thinking about Daddy and me in the pool and in the car, and me sitting on his lap and kissing his face. I had been doing it like a tiny kid starved for love and attention, wanting to be wanted and petted and hugged, not wanting what I think maybe he wanted. No. No. No! That’s disgusting! Evil and disgusting! I’m his daughter! Please…please God forgive me for ever thinking that!
Friday, May 21
I’ve been reconsidering going to Mark’s Lecture Meeting Party. At first I thought I couldn’t go. Now I know I have to! This may be the last time that I’ll get to do anything with anybody my age until I’m in college. I hope it won’t be a Catholic college.
At least for tonight I’m going to blank out all the negative things in my head and concentrate on each moment of, possibly, the last happy day in my existence!
The thought that if Daddy finds out about tonight he might make me become a nun flashed through my mind. Is that possible? I wonder how old one has to be to become a nun. I’ve seen a couple of nuns who seemed very young.
I’ve demanded my mind not to allow in it anything negative. Tonight I am going to be Cinderella going to the ball and…whatever c
omes after that?! So be it!
7:30 P.M.
I’m all ready to go and just waiting for the right time to sneak out to the rock wall with the ladder. And, you know, as I think about Daddy, he isn’t the evil one with the evil thoughts. It’s me! He was drunk and probably drugged by some of those crazy losers. He wasn’t really responsible! Could that be? Yes, it could be! And it was! I’m absolutely, positively sure it was! Now I feel a lot better!
11:50 P.M.
The lecture about stem cells was absolutely mind boggling, and I can’t believe how much of the information I’ve retained. In fact, I think I’ll write a paper on the subject for school.
Never have I had such a lovely time in my life. Mark’s parents are as wonderful and loving and caring as he is! And so were all the other people there! I really felt like I had died and gone to heaven, and I wanted, with every pore in my body, to have each person there to be my favorite, happy and fun, yet serious, forever friend!
After the lecture, we danced for a little while, then ate and played the funniest and most fun game in the world. Everyone else there had played it but me. I had a hard time keeping up for a couple of minutes then I decided that charades is the coolest game in the world. Even if it is an oldie!