CHAPTER XXVII
_Solomon Pell, assisted by a Select Committee of Coachmen, arranges the Affairs of the Elder Mr. Weller_
"Samivel," said Mr. Weller, accosting his son on the morning after thefuneral, "I've found it, Sammy. I thought it wos there."
"Thought vot wos were?" inquired Sam.
"Your mother-in-law's vill, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller. "In wirtue o'wich, them arrangements is to be made as I told you on, last night,respectin' the funs."
"Wot, didn't she tell you vere it wos?" inquired Sam.
"Not a bit on it, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller. "We wos a adjestin' ourlittle differences, and I wos a cheerin' her spirits and bearin' herup, so that I forgot to ask anythin' about it. I don't know as I shouldha' done it indeed, if I had remembered it," added Mr. Weller, "forit's a rum sort o' thing, Sammy, to go a hankerin' arter anybody'sproperty, ven you're assistin' 'em in illness. It's like helping anoutside passenger up, ven he's been pitched off a coach, and puttin'your hand in his pocket, vile you ask him vith a sigh how he findshisself, Sammy."
With this figurative illustration of his meaning, Mr. Weller unclaspedhis pocket-book, and drew forth a dirty sheet of letter paper, onwhich were inscribed various characters crowded together in remarkableconfusion.
"This here is the dockyment, Sammy," said Mr. Weller. "I found itin the little black teapot, on the top shelf o' the bar closet. Sheused to keep bank notes there, 'afore she vos married, Samivel. I'veseen her take the lid off, to pay a bill, many and many a time. Poorcreetur, she might ha' filled all the teapots in the house vith vills,and not have inconwenienced herself neither, for she took wery littleof anythin' in that vay lately, 'cept on the Temperance nights, venthey fust laid a foundation o' tea to put the spirits a-top on!"
"What does it say?" inquired Sam.
"Jist vot I told you, my boy," rejoined his parent. "Two hundred poundvurth o' reduced counsels to my son-in-law, Samivel, and all the resto' my property, of ev'ry kind and description votsoever to my husband,Mr. Tony Veller, who I appint as my sole eggzekiter."
"That's all, is it?" said Sam.
"That's all," replied Mr. Weller. "And I s'pose as it's all right andsatisfactory to you and me as is the only parties interested, ve may asvell put this bit o' paper into the fire."
"Wot are you a-doin' on, you lunatic?" said Sam, snatching the paperaway, as his parent, in all innocence, stirred the fire preparatory tosuiting the action to the word. "You're a nice eggzeketir, you are."
"Vy not?" inquired Mr. Weller, looking sternly round, with the poker inhis hand.
"Vy not!" exclaimed Sam. "'Cos it must be proved, and probated, andswore to, and all manner o' formalities."
"You don't mean that?" said Mr. Weller, laying down the poker.
Sam buttoned the will carefully in a side pocket; intimating by a lookmeanwhile, that he did mean it, and very seriously too.
"Then I'll tell you wot it is," said Mr. Weller, after a shortmeditation, "this is a case for that 'ere confidential pal o' theChancellorship's. Pell must look into this, Sammy. He's the man fora difficult question at law. Ve'll have this here brought afore theSolvent Court directly, Samivel."
"I never did see such a addle-headed old creetur!" exclaimed Sam,irritably, "Old Baileys, and Solvent Courts, and alleybis, and ev'ryspecies o' gammon alvays a-runnin' through his brain! You'd better getyour out o' door clothes on, and come to town about this bisness, thanstand a-preachin' there about wot you don't understand nothin' on."
"Wery good, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, "I'm quite agreeable toanythin' as vill hexpedite business, Sammy. But mind this here, my boy,nobody but Pell--nobody but Pell as a legal adwiser."
"I don't want anybody else," replied Sam. "Now are you a-comin'?"
"Vait a minute, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, who, having tied his shawlwith the aid of a small glass that hung in the window, was now, by dintof the most wonderful exertions, struggling into his upper garments."Vait a minit, Sammy; ven you grow as old as your father, you von't getinto your veskit quite as easy as you do now, my boy."
"If I couldn't get into it easier than that, I'm blessed if I'd vearvun at all," rejoined his son.
"You think so now," said Mr. Weller, with the gravity of age, "butyou'll find that as you get vider, you'll get viser. Vidth and visdom,Sammy, alvays grows together."
As Mr. Weller delivered this infallible maxim--the result of manyyears' personal experience and observation--he contrived, by adexterous twist of his body, to get the bottom button of his coat toperform its office. Having paused a few seconds to recover breath, hebrushed his hat with his elbow, and declared himself ready.
"As four heads is better than two, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, as theydrove along the London Road in the chaise cart, "and as all this hereproperty is a wery great temptation to a legal gen'l'm'n, ve'll take acouple o' friends o' mine vith us, as'll be wery soon down upon him ifhe comes anythin' irreg'lar; two o' them as saw you to the Fleet thatday. They're the wery best judges," added Mr. Weller in a half whisper,"the wery best judges of a horse, you ever know'd."
"And of a lawyer too?" inquired Sam.
"The man as can form a ackerate judgment of a animal, can form aackerate judgment of anythin'," replied his father; so dogmatically,that Sam did not attempt to controvert the position.
In pursuance of this notable resolution the services of themottled-faced gentleman and of two other very fat coachmen--selectedby Mr. Weller, probably with a view to their width and consequentwisdom--were put into requisition; and this assistance having beensecured, the party proceeded to the public-home in Portugal Street,whence a messenger was despatched to the Insolvent Court over the way,requiring Mr. Solomon Pell's immediate attendance.
_A cold collation of an Abernethy biscuit and a saveloy_]
The messenger fortunately found Mr. Solomon Pell in court, regalinghimself, business being rather slack, with a cold collation of anAbernethy biscuit and a saveloy. The message was no sooner whispered inhis ear than he thrust them in his pocket among various professionaldocuments, and hurried over the way with such alacrity that he reachedthe parlour before the messenger had even emancipated himself from thecourt.
"Gentlemen," said Mr. Pell, touching his hat, "my service to you all.I don't say it to flatter you, gentlemen, but there are not five othermen in the world, that I'd have come out of that court for, to-day."
"So busy, eh?" said Sam.
"Busy!" replied Pell; "I'm completely sewn up, as my friend the lateLord Chancellor many a time used to say to me, gentlemen, when he cameout from hearing appeals in the House of Lords. Poor fellow! he wasvery susceptible of fatigue; he used to feel those appeals uncommonly.I actually thought more than once that he'd have sunk under 'em; I didindeed."
Here Mr. Pell shook his head and paused; on which, the elder Mr.Weller, nudging his neighbour, as begging him to mark the attorney'shigh connections, asked whether the duties in question produced anypermanent ill effects on the constitution of his noble friend.
"I don't think he ever quite recovered them," replied Pell; "in factI'm sure he never did. 'Pell,' he used to say to me many a time,'how the blazes you can stand the head-work you do, is a mystery tome.'--'Well,' I used to answer, '_I_ hardly know how I do it, upon mylife.'--'Pell,' he'd add, sighing, and looking at me with a littleenvy--friendly envy, you know, gentlemen, mere friendly envy; I neverminded it--'Pell, you're a wonder; a wonder.' Ah! you'd have liked himvery much if you had known him, gentlemen. Bring me three penn'orth ofrum, my dear."
Addressing this latter remark to the waitress in a tone of subduedgrief, Mr. Pell sighed, looked at his shoes, and the ceiling; and, therum having by that time arrived, drunk it up.
"However," said Pell, drawing a chair to the table, "a professionalman has no right to think of his private friendships when his legalassistance is wanted. By-the-bye, gentlemen, since I saw you herebefore, we have had to weep over a very melancholy occurrence."
Mr. Pell drew out a pocket-handkerchief, when h
e came to the word weep,but he made no further use of it than to wipe away a slight tinge ofrum which hung upon his upper lip.
"I saw it in the _Advertiser_, Mr. Weller," continued Pell. "Bless mysoul, not more than fifty-two! Dear me--only think."
These indications of a musing spirit were addressed to the mottled-facedman, whose eyes Mr. Pell had accidentally caught; on which, themottled-faced man, whose apprehension of matters in general was of afoggy nature, moved uneasily in his seat, and opined that indeed, sofar as that went, there was no saying how things _was_ brought about;which observation, involving one of those subtle propositions which itis so difficult to encounter in argument, was controverted by nobody.
"I have heard it remarked that she was a very fine woman, Mr. Weller,"said Pell in a sympathising manner.
"Yes, sir, she wos," replied the elder Mr. Weller, not much relishingthis mode of discussing the subject, and yet thinking that theattorney, from his long intimacy with the late Lord Chancellor, mustknow best on all matters of polite breeding. "She wos a wery fine'ooman, sir, ven I first know'd her. She wos a widder sir, at thattime."
"Now, it's curious," said Pell, looking round with a sorrowful smile;"Mrs. Pell was a widow."
"That's very extraordinary," said the mottled-faced man.
"Well, it is a curious coincidence," said Pell.
"Not at all," gruffly remarked the elder Mr. Weller. "More widders ismarried than single wimin."
"Very good, very good," said Pell, "you're quite right, Mr. Weller.Mrs. Pell was a very elegant and accomplished woman; her manners werethe theme of universal admiration in our neighbourhood. I was proudto see that woman dance; there was something so firm and dignified,and yet natural in her motion. Her cutting, gentlemen, was simplicityitself. Ah! well, well! Excuse my asking the question, Mr. Samuel,"continued the attorney in a lower voice, "was your mother-in-law tall?"
"Not wery," replied Sam.
"Mrs. Pell was a tall figure," said Pell, "a splendid woman, with anoble shape, and a nose, gentlemen, formed to command and be majestic.She was very much attached to me--very much--highly connected, too. Hermother's brother, gentlemen, failed for eight hundred pounds, as a LawStationer."
"Vell," said Mr. Weller, who had grown rather restless during thisdiscussion, "vith regard to bis'ness."
The word was music to Pell's ears. He had been revolving in his mindwhether any business was to be transacted, or whether he had beenmerely invited to partake of a glass of brandy and water, or a bowl ofpunch, or any similar professional compliment, and now the doubt wasset at rest without his appearing at all eager for its solution. Hiseyes glistened as he laid his hat on the table, and said:
"What is the business upon which--um? Either of these gentlemen wish togo through the court? We require an arrest; a friendly arrest will do,you know; we are all friends here, I suppose?"
"Give me the dockyment, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, taking the willfrom his son, who appeared to enjoy the interview amazingly. "Wot werekvire, sir, is a probe o' this here."
"Probate, my dear sir, probate," said Pell.
"Well, sir," replied Mr. Weller sharply, "probe and probe it, is werymuch the same; if you don't understand wot I mean, sir, I dessay I canfind them as does."
"No offence, I hope, Mr. Weller," said Pell, meekly. "You are theexecutor, I see," he added, casting his eyes over the paper.
"I am, sir," replied Mr. Weller.
"These other gentlemen, I presume, are legatees, are they?" inquiredPell with a congratulatory smile.
"Sammy is a leg-at-ease," replied Mr. Weller; "these other gen'l'm'n isfriends o' mine, just come to see fair; a kind of umpires."
"Oh!" said Pell, "very good. I have no objections, I'm sure. I shallwant a matter of five pound of you before I begin, ha! ha! ha!"
It being decided by the committee that the five pound might be advanced,Mr. Weller produced that sum; after which, a long consultation aboutnothing particular took place, in the course whereof Mr. Pelldemonstrated to the perfect satisfaction of the gentlemen who sawfair, that unless the management of the business had been entrusted tohim, it must all have gone wrong, for reasons not clearly made out,but no doubt sufficient. This important point being dispatched, Mr.Pell refreshed himself with three chops, and liquids both malt andspirituous, at the expense of the estate, and then they all went awayto Doctors' Commons.
The next day, there was another visit to Doctors' Commons, and a greatto-do with an attesting hostler, who, being inebriated, declinedswearing anything but profane oaths, to the great scandal of a proctorand surrogate. Next week, there were more visits to Doctors' Commons,and there was a visit to the Legacy Duty Office besides, and there weretreaties entered into, for the disposal of the lease and business, andratifications of the same, and inventories to be made out, and lunchesto be taken, and dinners to be eaten, and so many profitable things tobe done, and such a mass of papers accumulated, that Mr. Solomon Pell,and the boy, and the blue bag to boot, all got so stout that scarcelyanybody would have known them for the same man, boy, and bag, that hadloitered about Portugal Street, a few days before.
At length all these weighty matters being arranged, a day was fixed forselling out and transferring the stock, and of waiting with that viewupon Wilkins Flasher, Esq., stock-broker, of somewhere near the Bank,who had been recommended by Mr. Solomon Pell for the purpose.
It was a kind of festive occasion, and the parties were attiredaccordingly. Mr. Weller's tops were newly cleaned and his dress wasarranged with peculiar care; the mottled-faced gentleman wore at hisbutton-hole a full-sized dahlia with several leaves; and the coatsof his two friends were adorned with nosegays of laurel and otherevergreens. All three were habited in strict holiday costume; that isto say, they were wrapped up to the chins, and wore as many clothes aspossible, which is, and has been, a stage-coachman's idea of full dressever since stage-coaches were invented.
Mr. Pell was waiting at the usual place of meeting at the appointedtime; even Mr. Pell wore a pair of gloves and a clean shirt much frayedat the collar and wristbands by frequent washings.
"A quarter to two," said Pell, looking at the parlour clock. "If we arewith Mr. Flasher at a quarter past, we shall just hit the best time."
"What should you say to a drop o' beer, gen'l'm'n?" suggested themottled-faced man.
"And a little bit of cold beef," said the second coachman.
"Or a oyster," added the third, who was a hoarse gentleman supported byvery round legs.
"Hear, hear!" said Pell; "to congratulate Mr. Weller, on his cominginto possession of his property: eh? ha! ha!"
"I'm quite agreeable, gen'l'm'n," answered Mr. Weller. "Sammy, pull thebell."
Sam complied; and the porter, cold beef, and oysters being promptlyproduced, the lunch was done ample justice to. Where everybody took soactive a part, it is almost invidious to make a distinction; but if oneindividual evinced greater powers than another, it was the coachmanwith the hoarse voice, who took an imperial pint of vinegar with hisoysters, without betraying the least emotion.
"Mr. Pell, sir," said the elder Mr. Weller, stirring a glass of brandyand water, of which one was placed before every gentleman when theoyster shells were removed, "Mr. Pell, sir, it wos my intention to haveproposed the funs on this occasion, but Samivel has vispered to me----"
Here Mr. Samuel Weller, who had silently eaten his oysters withtranquil smiles, cried "Hear!" in a very loud voice.
"--Has vispered to me," resumed his father, "that it vould be better todewote the liquor to vishin' you success and prosperity, and thankin'you for the manner in which you've brought this here business through.Here's your health, sir."
"Hold hard there," interposed the mottled-faced gentleman, with suddenenergy, "your eyes on me, gen'l'm'n!"
Saying this, the mottled-faced gentleman rose, as did the othergentlemen. The mottled-faced gentleman reviewed the company, and slowlylifted his hand, upon which every man (including him of the mottledcountenance) drew a long breath, and l
ifted his tumbler to his lips.In one instant the mottled-faced gentleman depressed his hand again,and every glass was set down empty. It is impossible to describe thethrilling effect produced by this striking ceremony. At once dignified,solemn, and impressive, it combined every element of grandeur.
"Well, gentlemen," said Mr. Pell, "all I can say is, that such marksof confidence must be very gratifying to a professional man. I don'twish to say anything that might appear egotistical, gentlemen, but I'mvery glad, for your own sakes, that you came to me; that's all. If youhad gone to any low member of the profession, it's my firm conviction,and I assure you of it as a fact, that you would have found yourselvesin Queer Street before this. I could have wished my noble friend hadbeen alive to have seen my management of this case. I don't say itout of pride, but I think--however, gentlemen, I won't trouble youwith that. I am generally to be found here, gentlemen, but if I'm nothere, or over the way, that's my address. You'll find my terms verycheap and reasonable, and no man attends more to his clients than I do,and I hope I know a little of my profession besides. If you have anyopportunity of recommending me to any of your friends, gentlemen, Ishall be very much obliged to you, and so will they too, when they cometo know me. _Your_ healths, gentlemen."
With this expression of his feelings, Mr. Solomon Pell laid three smallwritten cards before Mr. Weller's friends, and, looking at the clockagain, feared it was time to be walking. Upon this hint Mr. Wellersettled the bill, and, issuing forth, the executor, legatee, attorney,and umpires, directed their steps towards the City.
The office of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, of the Stock Exchange, was in afirst floor up a court behind the Bank of England; the house of WilkinsFlasher, Esquire, was at Brixton, Surrey; the horse and stanhope ofWilkins Flasher, Esquire, were at an adjacent livery stable; the groomof Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was on his way to the West End to deliversome game; the clerk of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, had gone to hisdinner, and Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, himself, cried, "Come in," whenMr. Pell and his companions knocked at the counting-house door.
"Good morning, sir," said Pell, bowing obsequiously. "We want to make alittle transfer, if you please."
"Oh, come in, will you?" said Mr. Flasher. "Sit down a minute; I'llattend to you directly."
"Thank you, sir," said Pell, "there's no hurry. Take a chair, Mr.Weller."
Mr. Weller took a chair, and Sam took a box, and the umpires took whatthey could get, and looked at the almanack and one or two papers whichwere wafered against the wall, with as much open-eyed reverence as ifthey had been the finest efforts of the old masters.
"Well, I'll bet you half a dozen of claret on it; come!" said WilkinsFlasher, Esquire, resuming the conversation to which Mr. Pell'sentrance had caused a momentary interruption.
This was addressed to a very smart young gentleman who wore his hat onhis right whisker, and was lounging over the desk, killing flies witha ruler. Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was balancing himself on two legsof an office stool, spearing a wafer-box with a pen-knife, which hedropped every now and then with great dexterity into the very centre ofa small red wafer that was stuck outside. Both gentlemen had very openwaistcoats and very rolling collars, and very small boots, and verybig rings, and very little watches, and very large guard chains, andsymmetrical inexpressibles, and scented pocket-handkerchiefs.
"I never bet half a dozen," said the other gentleman. "I'll take adozen."
"Done, Simmery, done!" said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. "P.?P., mind,"observed the other.
"Of course," replied Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. Wilkins Flasher,Esquire, entered it in a little book, with a gold pencil-case, and theother gentleman entered it also, in another little book with anothergold pencil-case.
"I see there's a notice up this morning about Boffer," observed Mr.Simmery. "Poor devil, he's expelled the house!"
"I'll bet you ten guineas to five he cuts his throat," said WilkinsFlasher, Esquire.
"Stop! I bar," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, thoughtfully. "Perhaps hemay hang himself."
"Very good," rejoined Mr. Simmery, pulling out the gold pencil-caseagain." I've no objection to take you that way. Say, makes away withhimself."
"Kills himself, in fact," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire.
"Just so," replied Mr. Simmery, putting down. "'Flasher--ten guineas tofive, Boffer kills himself.' Within what time shall we say?"
"A fortnight?" suggested Wilkins Flasher, Esquire.
"Confound it, no;" rejoined Mr. Simmery, stopping for an instant tosmash a fly with the ruler. "Say a week."
"Split the difference," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. "Make it tendays."
"Well; ten days," rejoined Mr. Simmery.
So, it was entered down in the little books that Boffer was to killhimself within ten days, or Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was to hand overto Frank Simmery, Esquire, the sum of ten guineas; and that if Bofferdid kill himself within that time, Frank Simmery, Esquire, would pay toWilkins Flasher, Esquire, five guineas, instead.
"I'm very sorry he has failed," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. "Capitaldinners he gave."
"Fine port he had too," remarked Mr. Simmery. "We are going to send ourbutler to the sale to-morrow, to pick up some of that sixty-four."
"The devil you are," said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. "My man's goingtoo. Five guineas my man outbids your man."
"Done."
Another entry was made in the little books, with the gold pencil-cases;and Mr. Simmery having, by this time, killed all the flies and takenall the bets, strolled away to the Stock Exchange to see what was goingforward.
Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, now condescended to receive Mr. Solomon'sPell's instructions, and having filled up some printed forms, requestedthe party to follow him to the Bank: which they did: Mr. Weller and histhree friends staring at all they beheld in unbounded astonishment, andSam encountering everything with a coolness which nothing could disturb.
Crossing a court-yard which was all noise and bustle; and passing acouple of porters who seemed dressed to match the red fire-engine whichwas wheeled away into a corner; they passed into an office where theirbusiness was to be transacted, and where Pell and Mr. Flasher left themstanding for a few moments, while they went upstairs into the WillOffice.
"Wot place is this here?" whispered the mottled-faced gentleman to theelder Mr. Weller.
"Counsel's Office," replied the executor in a whisper.
"Wot are them gen'l'men a settin' behind the counters?" asked thehoarse coachman.
"Reduced counsels, I s'pose," replied Mr. Weller. "Ain't they thereduced counsels, Samivel?"
"Vy, you don't suppose the reduced counsels is alive, do you?" inquiredSam, with some disdain.
"How should I know?" retorted Mr. Weller; "I thought they looked werylike it. Wot are they, then?"
"Clerks," replied Sam.
"Wot are they all a eatin' ham sangwidges for?" inquired his father.
"'Cos it's their dooty, I suppose," replied Sam, "it's a part o' thesystem; they're always a doin' it here, all day long!"
Mr. Weller and his friends had scarcely had a moment to reflect uponthis singular regulation as connected with the monetary system of thecountry, when they were rejoined by Pell and Wilkins Flasher, Esquire,who led them to a part of the counter above which was a round blackboard with a large "W." on it.
"Wot's that for, sir?" inquired Mr. Weller, directing Pell's attentionto the target in question.
"The first letter of the name of the deceased," replied Pell.
"I say," said Mr. Weller, turning round to the umpires. "There'ssomethin' wrong here. We's our letter--this won't do."
The referees at once gave it as their decided opinion that the businesscould not be legally proceeded with, under the letter W, and in allprobability it would have stood over for one day at least, had it notbeen for the prompt, though, at first sight, undutiful behaviour ofSam, who, seizing his father by the skirt of the coat, dragged him tothe counter, and pinned him there, until he had affixed his signaturet
o a couple of instruments; which from Mr. Weller's habit of printing,was a work of so much labour and time, that the officiating clerkpeeled and ate three Ribston pippins while it was performing.
As the elder Mr. Weller insisted on selling out his portion forthwith,they proceeded from the Bank to the gate of the Stock Exchange, towhich Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, after a short absence, returned with acheque on Smith, Payne, and Smith, for five hundred and thirty pounds;that being the sum of money to which Mr. Weller, at the market priceof the day, was entitled, in consideration of the balance of thesecond Mrs. Weller's funded savings. Sam's two hundred pounds stoodtransferred to his name, and Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, having beenpaid his commission, dropped the money carelessly into his coat pocketand lounged back to his office.
Mr. Weller was at first obstinately determined on cashing the cheque innothing but sovereigns: but it being represented by the umpires that byso doing he must incur the expense of a small sack to carry them homein, he consented to receive the amount in five-pound notes.
"My son," said Mr. Weller as they came out of the banking-house, "myson and me has a wery particular engagement this arternoon, and Ishould like to have this here bis'ness settled out of hand, so let'sjest go straight avay someveres, vere ve can hordit the accounts."
A quiet room was soon found, and the accounts were produced andaudited. Mr. Pell's bill was taxed by Sam, and some charges weredisallowed by the umpires; but, notwithstanding Mr. Pell's declaration,accompanied with many solemn asseverations, that they were really toohard upon him, it was by very many degrees the best professional job hehad ever had, and one on which he boarded, lodged, and washed, for sixmonths afterwards.
The umpires, having partaken of a dram, shook hands and departed, asthey had to drive out of town that night. Mr. Solomon Pell, findingthat nothing more was going forward, either in the eating or drinkingway, took a friendly leave, and Sam and his father were left alone.
"There!" said Mr. Weller, thrusting his pocket-book in his side pocket."Vith the bills for the lease, and that, there's eleven hundred andeighty pound here. Now, Samivel, my boy, turn the horses' heads to theGeorge and Wulter!"