* * *
After getting my parents up to let them know a rock had mysteriously broken my window and then cleaning the mess up, I spent the night downstairs on the couch. The cold air coming in through my window would have free reign in my room until my father came home from work the next day. He planned to get home early to make sure he was able to fix it before the radio interview we were all looking forward to came on. He was in an unusually good mood when he got home, since he wouldn’t have to go back to work until after Christmas Day.
Hayden came over early to help him with the repairs. I was worried that things would be uncomfortable between the two of us, but they weren’t. When the knock came at the door and I opened it up to find him on the other side, it felt like nothing had even happened. I guess it’s just that way with family. We went up to my room and talked about the movie he’d seen with Emmaline while he and my father worked.
They had the window in well before five o’clock and we were all gathered in the living room by four-forty. I sat down on the couch in the middle of Hayden and Katy while my father turned on the radio. “Almost time now,” he said as the static came on. He fiddled with the dials for a minute before he found the right station. Jazzy trumpet music was playing. My father bobbed his head to the music as he sat back down in his chair. My mother worked on her knitting in the chair beside him. All I could do was stare at the radio anxiously, willing the time to go faster.
My parents talked quietly about my grandparents staying in my room when they came, since it was so much neater than Katy’s (where they said I would be staying), until the announcer finally came on.
“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. It’s an honor to present a special guest to you tonight, Mr. Sydney Algoth. Thank you so much for being with us, Sydney.”
“I’m happy to be here.” This must have been Mason’s father.
“And your son is here with you, Mason, is it?”
“That’s right,” Mason’s deep voice said. I felt my heart speed up as I smiled. Oh, I missed him like crazy.
“So you came all the way from Shilling, Illinois? You must be happy to be with your father again, after having not seen or heard from him for the last year.”
“Yes sir, almost as happy as I was when I called up here on Monday and found out what was going on.”
Why hadn’t Mason corrected him about Shilling?
“So we’ve all read the newspaper article that’s gone out nationally, but it didn’t quite explain, how did you do it? How did you handle the ever-present danger that what you were doing posed, Sydney?”
“Well…I won’t lie and say it was easy or that I wasn’t afraid. The fear was debilitating at times. There are things worse than being killed, and I knew that if anyone figured out what I was doing, there was a good chance those things would happen to me. It would have been so much easier to just become a true mobster. But—I couldn’t do that…Do you have children, Frank?”
“Oh, um, yes I do. I have two sons myself, actually.”
“Imagine you’re all they have. Their mother’s passed away and they have no other family. You can’t bring them into the life you’ve been forced into. No matter how scary or difficult things were, I had to do what I did for my son’s sake. A child is the most powerful driving force there is. Logic and danger are irrelevant when your child’s wellbeing is on the line. So—I guess that’s how I handled it. That’s what got me through it.”
“So, now you’ve finally got your son here with you. I’ve been told New York’s finest will require your help in straightening everything out legally, and that this will take some time. Mason, will you be staying here with your father until everything is settled, or will you be returning home to Shilling sometime soon?”
“Well, I’m extremely grateful to be here with my father, and I hate to leave him when I only just got him back, but I’m actually getting on a train to go home tonight. There’s a girl waiting for me back home, and I think I’ve already been away from her long enough.”
Back home? Shilling? It felt like the wind had been knocked out of me as I processed what I’d just heard. I vaguely felt my hand against my mouth and then my body stand on its own before I ran upstairs to my room. My heart was breaking and my brain couldn’t seem to process anything else.
Someone shut the radio off as I reached the top of the stairs. A second later I fell onto my bed and pressed my face against my pillow as the crying began.
There was a girl waiting for him back home. It was always her. I was just a temporary thing for him, until he could go back to her. My hands dug into my pillow as the pain continued to worsen. It was the worst pain I had ever felt, and I knew that it would never end. I was just something convenient for him, something he clung to in the city to get him through the time he was stuck there. It made sense now. I knew how things would end when they began, but I lost sight of that somewhere along the way.
So this is what’s going to happen. He goes home to her and leaves me behind. It was probably the only thing I hadn’t imagined happening.
He seemed so sincere…the notes…the ring…How could he do this to me? How could I ever trust anyone after what he did? No one would ever be as convincing as he was… He said he loved me…Every time I heard that from a man, I wouldn’t be able to believe it. It would seem hollow, a death sentence to our relationship even. It didn’t really matter, though, because I could never love any other man.
The weight of someone’s body pressed against my bed a second before an arm slid around my shoulders. I didn’t even look to see who it was before I sat up and leaned against them, wrapping my arms around their neck, the sobs only becoming heavier. I felt Hayden’s arms wrap around my back. “I’m sorry, Alexandra,” he said.
“You were right. I should have never trusted him.” I picked my head up to look at him. “I should have listened to you.”
“It’s all right. He was good at what he did. I hate that you’re suffering, but…would you give me a chance now? You know I would never hurt you, and I would do anything to make you happy.”
I knew he would never hurt me and that he truly loved me. But I didn’t want to think about that. I wanted Mason to take it back. I wanted it not to be true. I leaned against him again, letting him hold me close as I nestled my head in his neck. It felt good, but not right. Is this it, then? Will I really end up with Hayden?
His hand rested against my cheek as he shifted his head to look down at me. I couldn’t look back at him. “Let me be him for you, Alexandra. Nothing like this will ever happen, I promise.”
“No. No more promises…please.”
Hayden leaned back, pulling my arms away from him so he could hold my left hand. He reached for my ring and tried to slide it off. “No!” I said, jerking my hand away.
“You still want to wear that after what he said?”
“I don’t want to take it off.” Not yet. His promises may have become broken lies, but I wasn’t ready to let the ring go. It was proof that he cared enough to buy it for me, a reminder that he had once claimed to love me.
“I’ll buy you a new one. We could pick it out together tomorrow.”
I shook my head as I held my hand against my neck, under my chin where he wouldn’t be able to see it.
He reached for my hand again, so I leaned back and turned away. “Alexandra,” He put his hand on my back and scooted closer to me, leaning over to put his face right in front of mine. “Love me instead of him.” And then—he kissed me. For a second I couldn’t move. I would have done anything to feel some relief, so I let him kiss me. But I only felt worse. I turned away and lay down so I could cry, alone. “What’s wrong?” Hayden asked me.
“It doesn’t feel right. I just…I want to be with Mason.”
“Come on.” He pulled me up slowly. “I know you want Mason, but he’s not coming back.”
I let out a painful cry as I leaned against Hayden.
“Choose me instead.”
No. I knew
I could never be with him. It wasn’t just Mason. I tried to pull myself together long enough to make him understand. “Hayden, I can’t. You feel like my brother. It would be like agreeing to date Katy. I, I can’t.” I really just wanted him to leave, so I could be alone with my pain.
“You don’t mean that. It’s ridiculous.”
“No, it’s not. We grew up like brother and sister. This just won’t work…”
“It has to. I’ve never even considered anyone else. You may have always seen me as your brother, but I’ve always seen you as my future wife.”
“Well, maybe you should consider someone else. You should ask Emmaline out on a date.”
“Emmaline? But she was with Benny.”
“She’s not with him now.”
“I mean she was with him. I can’t take a girl out on a date who’s given her virtue away so easily.”
“No, she didn’t. She couldn’t have—Look, I know Emmaline. She wouldn’t do that, and she would make you happy.”
“But the way she was kissing him—How can you not even wonder?”
“Because I know her.”
Hayden looked down at my bedspread for a minute as he considered what I was saying. “What if she rejects me?” he said before he looked back up at me. “I can’t handle any more rejection.”
“She won’t reject you.” I wanted to tell him how much she liked him, but it seemed like a violation of her trust. But it also sounded like he was seriously considering asking her out. If I could convince him to, she would forgive me. “She really likes you. She always has.”
“Really?” He smiled.
“Really, just don’t tell her I told you. I don’t want her to be angry with me, but she would be over the moon if you asked her out on a date.”
“Huh. It’s going to be difficult to get over the idea of ending up with you. It’ll take some time.”
“Alexandra,” my mother said from my open doorway. “Can I come in, dear?”
“I really don’t feel like eating anything,” I said, letting her know I wasn’t going to come to dinner.
She came to sit at the foot of my bed. “I understand. But, will you be all right?”
“No.” The tears returned, spilling over uncontrollably.
“I’m sorry.” She put her arm around me. “This is all my fault.”
“How?”
“Your father and I drove him away. Of course he’ll want the girl with parents who love him. He probably left her to come here and only decided to go back because she had better parents than us. Oh, I wish we had been more understanding.”
“This isn’t your fault. He obviously never broke it off with her. I, I, I was just a fling, a girl on the side.” My voice broke and burst loudly and I really just wanted to be alone. I lay back down on my pillow and hid my face. My mother’s hand went back and forth over my back. “I want to be alone,” I said in a muffled voice which I wasn’t sure they could hear. But the hand pulled away. Feet moved across the floor. And then my door shut.
I was alone, so alone, more alone and wounded than I had ever been before.