Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Quasarion Systems
To: Patricia Lipnik
Subject: RE: Honey, the screen doesn't light up.
Mom, I told you not to e-mail me through work. Did you make sure it's plugged in?
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Quasarion Systems
To: David Hasenpfeffer
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Ow, My Ass!
Hello Mr. Hasenpfeffer,
I can assure you that the incident will not affect the outward appearance of your backside in any way, and that if your backside was, as you put it, "smokin' hot," it undoubtedly continues to smoke at the present time.
This unplanned coccygectomy may seem like a hassle, but I assure you that such changes are often positive. I have another customer currently dealing with similar issues, and despite her initial misgivings, you might say she's now practically wagging her tail in delight.
So remember, it's all in how you look at it! We thank you for choosing Quasarion, the number one choice for home teleportation and vestigial organ excision, dating all the way back to Firmware Update 7.8.1.
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Quasarion Systems
To: Alexa Kinston
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MR. FLUFFLES!?
Hello Ms. Kinston,
Refunds and returns due to warranty violations are not possible, at least not directly through Quasarion. You may wish to contact your local authorized retailer to determine if their individual policy differs.
In regards to your other question: as you adapt to your new genes, you may find that your recent accident, while unfortunate, nevertheless confers certain advantages. For example, the enhanced odors you notice are likely a result of your modified olfactory glands, courtesy of the dear departed Mr. Fluffles. Please note that despite your improved sense of smell, we recommend that you avoid canine greeting rituals and continue to utilize standard human greeting customs.
Also, you mentioned encountering a man who smelt like "burnt lightning and tasty sausages." That aroma is often a side effect of an encounter with teleportation anomalies and/or undocumented features in the X-7000 Home Teleportation System. Did you happen to notice if that man was sporting a goatee?
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Quasarion Systems
To: Zak McFrampen
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I have an evil twin!
Hello Mr. McFrampen,
I apologize if you are in any way dissatisfied with the support you have received from us at Quasarion Technical Support. Unfortunately, all our technicians are booked until Tuesday. While we appreciate the urgency of your situation, we caution against attempting to resolve the situation yourself. Most jurisdictions continue to frown on the vigilante-style eradication of teleport-spawned karmic anomalies.
Your X-7000 technician will be escorted by a Swift Hyper-Anomaly Response Team on arrival next Tuesday, and they will be fully equipped to help you dispose of your evil twin in a safe and legal manner. Since your evil twin has disappeared for now, I advise just staying put, and following the steps mentioned in my previous e-mail to avoid side effects and/or mistaken identity. You can also refer to page 485 of your User Manual for details. Thanks for your patience, and we apologize for the inconvenience.
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Quasarion Systems
To: Miles Parsons, Ops Director
Subject: Ticket #15804-28595: McFrampen, Zak
Hi Miles,
I'd like to escalate the following support case (Zak McFrampen, Ticket #15804-28595), as I suspect he will need S.H.A.R.T. cleanup somewhat earlier than next Tuesday. His situation may or may not warrant a Code 2-B. Please advise ASAP.
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Quasarion Systems
To: Patricia Lipnik
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Honey, the screen doesn't light up.
Mom, I didn't mean to be patronizing. It's just been a busy day. Why don't you wait until Lana gets home from school and she can take a look at your X-8000 herself?
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Quasarion Systems
To: David Hasenpfeffer
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Ow, My Ass!
Hello Mr. Hasenpfeffer,
Unfortunately, I'm afraid I can't give you that customer's contact information, nor do I know if she has an account on findamatch.com. I'm afraid such questions verge well outside of the services provided by Quasarion Support.
I also strongly urge you not to conduct a teleport with your own Class III pet in an attempt to restore your missing tailbone. I can state without reservation that such an action will void the X-7000's lifetime warranty and absolve Quasarion of any liability related to use of the X-7000.
Besides, I just gave away my last Milkbone coupon.
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Garrin Lipnik
To: Zacharias McFrampen
Subject: RE: Well, hello there, Garrin.
Dear Mr. McFrampen,
How did you get my personal e-mail address? Please note that the use of personal information to contact Quasarion staff is specifically disallowed in the Quasarion End User License Agreement, as per Article VI, Section X, Paragraph LXI. Violation of this clause may void your extended service contract.
Moreover, please be aware that our service contract is specifically with the "good" Zak McFrampen, and I'm afraid that agreement to provide service does not extend to any evil clones created as a side effect of X-7000 technology. However, if you purchase an X-7000 of your own (or the brand new X-8000), you'll be eligible for a world-class support contract of your own. I'd be happy to help you set that up or connect you with our sales department.
Your Friend,
Garrin
From: Quasarion Systems
To: Alexa Kinston
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MR. FLUFFLES!?
Hello Ms. Kinston,
I apologize for the inconvenience you've experienced, but as tempting as it may be to join forces with Electric Sausage Man, I must caution you against it. As an Evil Twin, he carries a high risk of nefarious behavior patterns and/or supervillainy. Becoming his sidekick is liable to lead to headaches that, frankly, make your problems with the X-7000 seem like a walk in the park.
I strongly encourage you to overcome those newfound canine instincts; just because his aroma carries a whiff of meat, does not necessarily mean that he is wielding treats! Please see Appendix C of your User Manual for full details on interacting with Evil Twins.
By the way, did he happen to say where he was going?
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Garrin Lipnik
To: Zacharias McFrampen
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Well, hello there, Garrin.
Dear Mr. McFrampen,
I apologize if it seems that life has dealt you a poor hand. While I applaud your sense of activism in regard to the plight of Evil Twins everywhere, I must warn that you will not accomplish anything by toying with the families of Quasarion Support staff, no matter what dastardly plan you might concoct.
So as much as you may want to pursue a villainous career as "Electric Sausage Man," I encourage you to channel your ambitions elsewhere. If you persist however, then know this: as a sworn member of Quasarion Support, I am fully qualified to terminate anomalous karmic being
s such as yourself-- personally.
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Quasarion Systems
To: Patricia Lipnik
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Honey, the screen doesn't light up.
Hey Mom, I'm glad to hear Lana was able to fix the X-8000 by installing that update I sent, because I'm probably not gonna be able to make it tonight. As much as I'd love to 'port home for some chocolate chip cookies, it's kind of been one of those Mondays.
Speaking of work-- a customer got hold of my personal info. I was hoping my manager would be able to unleash a S.H.A.R.T, but he seems to be rather backed up right now, which means I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands.
So if anyone with a faint "electric" or "breakfast meat" smell happens to drop by the house, give him a cookie or two as a special Quasarion thank you, and tell him to use the "Location History" function on the X-8000 to come right to my office. I'll sort things out with him here.
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Quasarion Systems
To: David Hasenpfeffer
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Ow, My Ass!
Hello Mr. Hasenpfeffer,
Remember how I said I couldn't give you my other customer's contact information? This is still the case, however, after further consideration, Quasarion Systems is arranging a special "party" for you, her, and a few other customers who've had difficulty with the X-7000. Consider it our way of saying "thank you" for choosing Quasarion, and to apologize for your recent troubles.
Unfortunately, not everyone at the party might be as understanding, and did I mention awesome, as you. So don't be deterred from the woman we are sure will complete your missing half. While she may arrive with someone else, I'm confident you can win her attention by offering her a cookie or two, and a good scratch behind the ears might be all that's needed to win her over. Dogged persistence often wins the day!
I've attached a file which, if you load into your X-7000, will take you to where you need to be. You'll need to hurry, though; the party starts in an hour!
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Quasarion Systems
To: Alexa Kinston
Subject: RE: FIRST MR. FLUFFLES, AND NOW ELECTRIC SAUSAGE MAN!?
Hello Ms. Kinston,
I apologize that the party was not quite the tail wagging time you were hoping for. However, Evil Mr. McFrampen should have known better than to use an employee teleporter. As an Evil Twin, he represents the sort of negative customer experience that we work to eliminate, and in this case, his mistakes resulted in his dissipation .
We are absolutely delighted, however, that you've found a new companion in Mr. Hasenpfeffer. We at Quasarion strive to provide the most comprehensive service possible for all our customers, and we wish you two the best of luck and continued puppy love.
Best Regards,
Garrin Lipnik
Quasarion Systems
From: Garrin Lipnik
To: Patricia Lipnik
Subject: RE: Those folks ate all your cookies, Honey.
Hi Mom,
I'm sorry about all the chaos at the house today . But thanks to you and your cookies, I was able to close three cases at once! And please pass my thanks to Lana, as well. She installed that 'special update' perfectly; it took care of Mr. McFrampen just like I'd hoped.
With work sorted out, it looks like I'll be able to make it home tonight after all. Would you mind whipping up another batch of those chocolate chip cookies? It's been kind of a rough day.
Love,
Garrin
© 2013 Andrew S. Williams
Andrew S. Williams is a writer living in Seattle. Until now, working in I.T. has paid the bills, but his day job started to resemble Garrin's a little too much, so he recently quit to pursue his own projects full-time. You can read the non-fiction story of his progress (and find more of his fiction, too) at https://offthewrittenpath.com.
How did you come up Best Regards? What stages did you go through in the process of getting the idea down?
Working in tech support for a major I.T. company, I have the modern-day equivalent of Garrin's job. The e-mails I send out tend to be fairly repetitive and full of corporate doublespeak, so it felt ripe for parody. And even though this type of parody has certainly been done before, I hoped that by telling everything from the perspective of the support guy, and intertwining disparate story threads into one cohesive whole while keeping the reader laughing, I could put my own unique spin on the idea.
I usually don't outline short stories, but I needed to for this one, so I could easily have a bird's-eye view of the different arcs. I would use the outline to determine what each e-mail needed to say, then switch to the main story document and focus on the wordsmithing of each one individually.
The story is shot through with dark humor, and a few touches of the absurd. Why do you find yourself drawn to this style? What other themes do you find yourself exploring in your work?
Laughter is one of my favorite emotions to evoke in a story, because I love having a chuckle when I read. My sense of humor tends to be very dry and sardonic—possibly the result of growing up with a British Dad—so that's usually the kind of comedy I write.
I find the kind of humor that works best in prose fiction isn't line-by-line jokes; it's building on previous context, and establishing story elements then using them later in unexpected ways. In the case of "Best Regards," it's also introducing common elements that the reader will recognize (dealing with modern tech; or the interactions between a grown-up son and his mother; or even old sci-fi tropes, like Evil Twins) and combining them in bizarre ways, so the reader sees their own experience reflected it what is otherwise a completely absurd situation.
Whether I'm writing humor or not, I definitely think the best fiction illuminates some part of the real world.
We notice that you're also a hypnotherapist. Has that had any impact on your writing or the way in which you frame your writing?
Very much so. One way of looking at hypnosis is that it's a state of hyper-focus, in which your mind becomes so completely focused on something (a flickering candle; the sound of your own breathing; the words of a hypnotist) that the outside world seems to completely fade away. In the hypnosis world, we call that a trance state. And avid readers do it all the time.
I love reading stories in which you can totally lose yourself: say, when you're reading a book and completely time lose track of time. Or when something tragic or sad happens to a character, and it hurts so deeply that you could swear it actually happened to you. Those stories work because "suspension of disbelief" isn't just a literary concept anymore; while you're reading that story, it becomes the modus operandi of your mind.
That's the kind of story that I love to read, and the kind of story I want to write. And so I feel like my role as a writer is similar to my goal as a hypnotist: to work my craft so well that the reader is willing to let themselves go, tune out the outside world, and focus on my words.
Why write? Surely there are so many other, far easier, things you could be doing?
I don't just want to be a passive observer of the world I live in; I want to influence it, too. And it seems to me that being a writer is one of the best ways to do that. That could mean writing a nonfiction article about an issue I care about, writing a story in which people learn to empathize with a character they don't like, or just writing a funny story that brightens some people's day.
As long as I feel like I have something to say, or a story to tell, I will always feel the need to share it. And that means I have to write, at least until someone invents telepathy.
What are you working on at the moment? Where can our readers find more Andrew S. Williams?
A flash fiction story I wrote called "Natalie" is app
earing in the November 2013 issue of Lakeside Circus (the debut issue)! For those who like alt-history stories with a mythological flair—pretty much the opposite of "Best Regards"—I've also been in two recent anthologies edited by Eric J. Guignard, one of which was a final nominee for this year's Bram Stoker Award. You can check out my full bibliography at https://offthewrittenpath.com/writing.
Love is:
Not answering when they call, because if you talk to them, you'll cry and you don't want them to see you hurt.
Crying because you didn't answer.