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My eyes widened and then I clinched them shut, trying to cover the fact that I was taken off-guard. After a few seconds, he pul ed away, looked into my eyes and then cupped my cheeks, kissing me again. I could tel by the way he held me that it was no longer for show. He had forgotten about our audience as he parted his lips, lightly touching his tongue to mine.
I pul ed away and immediately watched for Jared’s reaction; his expression frightened me. I slowly moved to stand in front of Ryan.
“Jared. …” I warned.
Jared’s breathing was uneven, and his eyes were raging storms. “Move out of the way, Nina. ”
“She’s made her choice, Jared. It’s time you found someone else to…. ”
Jared lunged forward and then jerked back, held by two smal hands.
“It’s time to go,” Claire said as her brother froze under her touch.
“Hey, Claire!” Ryan smiled, unaware of how close he was to another trip to the hospital.
Claire glanced at him with an uncomfortable expression, keeping firm hands on her brother. She seemed surprised that Ryan had acknowledged her.
The cab slowed to a stop beside us and honked. I backed up against Ryan, turning to push him to safety. Jared walked toward me and for the first time I felt safer knowing Claire was near.
“Nina?” Ryan cal ed from inside the cab.
Jared stood just a few inches from me. “Don’t go home with him,” he begged, his face compressing inward. “You don’t have to do this. I’l stay away; you won’t even know I exist. Don’t do something we’l al regret just to push me away. ”
Ryan poked his head out of the open door. “Who says she hasn’t already?” he asked, gripping my inner thigh.
Jared didn’t get far when he charged Ryan for the second time. Claire had kept her grip on him.
I wanted to tel Jared the truth: that he was the only one I’d ever wanted in that way, and he would always be the only one. But I couldn’t. He had just told me he would move on, and I had to let him.
“Come on, Jared. She’s not worth it,” Claire said, tugging on him.
Jared puffed as if the wind had been knocked out of him. “She’s worth it. She’s worth this a thousand times,” his eyes glossed over then, and he final y tore his stare away from mine to fol ow his sister.
I slid in next to Ryan and he reached across me to shut the door. The cab ride seemed to take an eternity. I could hear Ryan chattering, but the look on Jared’s face had me spiraling into devastation so deep that it grew difficult for me to breathe. I rol ed down the window and rested my head against the door, letting the icy wind burn my face.
“Hey? You okay?” Ryan asked.
I couldn’t answer. My heart was breaking; a real, physical pain radiated from my chest and throughout my entire body. Ryan put a gentle hand on my shoulder and pul ed me against him. I expected to feel the comfort I always felt with him, but it only made me feel worse.
When we pul ed into Brown, Ryan reached up to pay the driver and then stumbled from the cab. He twirled me a few times as we walked to Andrews, and when we reached the door, he pul ed me to him.
“Goodnight,” he said, kissing my cheek. His lips brushed against my skin as he tightened his grip around me and took a few steps, prompting a slow, silent dance in the middle of the sidewalk.
“I should go in,” I whispered.
Ryan’s lips grazed my cheek and skimmed across my mouth. He sighed as he made his way to my other cheek, and then kissed me again.
He took a few steps backward and grinned. “I’l cal you tomorrow,” he said, turning to disappear into the darkness.
With each step to my room I tried to figure out where everything had gone so horribly wrong. I hadn’t set out to hurt anyone, yet every decision I made seemed to cause others pain. I pushed open the door and col apsed onto my bed.
Through the whiskey fog I searched my past, trying to remember the exact moment that I’d made a mistake, where I could have made a better choice. If I had chosen to stay with Jared, no matter how sure he was, his family would be in danger. My choice to end things had left both of us in agony that didn’t seem to be subsiding. Convincing Ryan to engage in a fake relationship with me had only accomplished Ryan having false hope, and if it were even possible, I hurt Jared worse than I already had.
Beth’s key rattled the door knob. She walked in to our dark room, throwing her purse onto the bedside table.
“Nina?” she whispered. “Are you awake?”
“I thought you went to Chad’s,” I said, turning to face her.
She sat on my bed and placed her hand gently on my leg. “I wanted to make sure you were al right. ”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” The liquor helped to keep my voice even.
Beth was aggravated with my calm demeanor. “We al saw what happened. Is Ryan insane?”
“He was just trying to make a point. ”
Beth shot a disgusted glance at me. “What point would that be? That he has suicidal tendencies? Jared could have wadded him up like a piece of paper, and considering his state of mind…that was just real y, real y stupid. ”
“I’m going to sleep. I have a lot to do tomorrow,” I said, settling against my pil ow.
“Why are you so calm about this? I don’t understand you anymore, Nina. It doesn’t seem like you’re thinking clearly. ”
I smiled, my eyes closed. “I’m not thinking clearly. I’ve had a lot to drink. ”
Beth shook her head. “You’re not acting like yourself. It’s like you left the best part of you behind when you left Jared. ”
“Thanks,” I snapped, turning my back to her.
“That’s not what I meant, I just meant…. ” Beth sighed and then left without saying goodbye.
Sunday morning I woke up to the sound of the rain pelting against the window. I peered out, seeing Jared’s Escalade just down the street. My chest ached, knowing how hard it must have been for him to be alone on his birthday. I fantasized about bringing him a present, or simply running out to hug him, but I could do neither. As soon as I shut the door behind me from returning from the shower, there was a knock at the door.
“Just a minute!” I cal ed, rushing to throw some clothes on.
I opened the door to Ryan’s smiling face, his hair dripping wet. “I was wondering if you wanted to take a drive?”
“Your truck is at the pub, Ryan. ”
He smiled, wiping away the water that ran down his forehead from his hairline. “Josh took me to get it earlier. You wanna go?”
I shook my head. “It’s pouring outside. ”
“So…,” he stal ed, shoving his hands in his pockets, “you wanna hang out here?”
I smiled apologetical y. “I have a huge test tomorrow, first thing in the morning. I need to cram. ”
Ryan shrugged again. “I can help you. ”
“I have to do it by myself. You know how I am,” I said dismissively.
“Yeah, I just…,” he sighed, “I can’t quit thinking about that kiss. ”
“Oh. ”
Ryan walked past me into my room. “I know what you said. But…don’t you have any feelings for me at al ? Can’t we stop pretending long enough to find out if I could make you happy? I could, you know…make you happy. ”
Ryan’s mention of our arrangement caused me to glance up at the vent, but it didn’t matter. Jared saw right through me from the very beginning.
“You do make me happy. I just don’t have anything left to…,” I shook my head. “I can’t talk about this right now. I have to study,” I said, opening the door.
“Do you have plans for dinner?” he asked.
I hugged him. “No. I’l talk to you tomorrow. ”
It would be the beginning of the end for us. Jared had agreed to stay away, and Ryan knew that our time was limited. He nodded and left my room, disappointed.
Studying was nothing less than impossible, knowing Ja
red was outside. I peered out the rain-streaked window again to see that Jared hadn’t moved. The urge to go to him became unmanageable, so I grabbed my keys and set out to take a coffee break off campus.
I drove just a few blocks to the nearest coffee shop and went in, ordering my usual. I took my time, lingering in the booth, watching different faces come and go. Fantasies of surprising Jared with a gift kept creeping into my thoughts, and I final y resorted to returning to my dorm.
As soon as I walked outside, I noticed Jared in my peripheral. His shirt was wet from standing in the rain, and I held my breath as I passed him. The circles under his eyes were dark, and his face appeared paler than his natural golden tone.
My feet refused to take another step. No matter what I had said, I stil loved him. I couldn’t make him feel like a ghost on his birthday. I closed my eyes, knowing I would go against everything I had worked for in the last six weeks. I was at a crossroad, and I was about to deliberately take the wrong turn.
I turned on my heels and walked straight up to him. Jared watched me with wary eyes, obviously unsure of what to expect.
Although I had made strangers of us over the last weeks, it felt right be close to him again. I felt no awkwardness or tension, and I could see beyond his cautious expression that he felt the same.
I took a deep breath. “Happy Birth—,”
Before I could finish, Jared grabbed my shoulders and pul ed me against him into a deep kiss. My lips melted against the familiar heat of his mouth, and as I breathed in his amazing scent, I felt a bit lightheaded. When Jared realized I wouldn’t pul away, he wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly against him, shamelessly taking advantage of the moment. Minutes passed and I could hear the giggling of children and teenage girls as they walked by. When his lips final y left mine, he hugged me tightly and buried his face in my neck, taking in a deep breath through his nose. He caressed his cheek against mine for a few moments more, and then final y released me.
He scanned my face for some sort of reaction. I wasn’t sure what expression was on my face, but Jared looked cautiously pleased.
“Day,” I finished, breathlessly.
His eyes were a few shades lighter than I’d seen them in weeks. I waited for a moment, and al owed my lips to form a tiny smile before returning to my car.
“Nina?” Jared cal ed.
I turned around and a tired smile touched his face. “That’s al I wanted today. ”
My heart sank at his words, and I wished the world would leave us alone so I could stay with him. The memory of Harry Crenshaw pressing a gun to Bex’s temple flashed in my mind, and I stiffened.
“Goodbye, Jared. ”
Chapter Seventeen
Absolution
Finals week arrived. The little sleep I’d gotten before became nonexistent with the amount of studying and cramming I had to do. I studied with the group at the Rock every night, only to return to my room to read and memorize in solitude.
Ryan continued to pretend, walking me to lunch, to classes, and back and forth from my room. He was the perfect boyfriend; he opened doors, brought late night brain food, and he even rubbed my shoulders while quizzing me on study guides. A part of me wondered if he was trying so hard because he knew the end of the week meant the end of pretending, and he hoped I would change my mind.
Beth and Chad found an apartment, and some of her things were already packed in boxes. A sad air befel the room when we were both in it, surrounded by cardboard. The wal s looked empty and clinical without her teddy bears and tiaras displayed on the wal s and ribbons dripping from the shelves.
Thursday night, occasional cracks of thunder rattled the windows. The rain beat against the window in a heavy gust, and Beth sighed at her careful y highlighted textbook. I slammed my book shut and put a CD in the stereo, twisting the volume knob as high as it would go.
“What are you doing?” Beth yel ed over the music.
I jumped up and down, holding my hands out to her. “It’s our last night as roomies, roomie! We’re sending you out in style!”
Beth giggled and stood up, grabbing my hands and shaking her hair to the beat as we bounced together. After a few songs, a loud banging resounded from the door. I shimmied over to open it, laughing when I saw Kim’s smiling face.
“Sounds like a party!” she yel ed, holding up two six packs of cheap beer. “I come bearing gifts!”
“Woo!” Beth squealed. Her hair flapped about as she danced in her bare feet.
Before I’d finished my first can, another knock on the door revealed a rather wet and confused Ryan, who cringed at the volume of the stereo.
“What are you doing?” Ryan yel ed. A wide grin stretched across his face as he watched us bounce.
“It’s our impromptu going away party for Beth!” I yel ed back.
“Cool! I’l make phone cal s!” Ryan exclaimed, pul ing out his cel phone.
Within twenty minutes, our room was shoulder to shoulder with our entire study group, plus a few girls from down the hal that had wandered in out of curiosity. Kim and Tucker were jumping on Beth’s bed, and the rest of us were dancing and laughing.
By midnight, everyone except Beth, Chad, and Ryan had cleared out to study. Beth grabbed her purse and hugged me.
“Thank you so much! I needed that. It’s been so sad around here!”
“You’re welcome. I’m going to miss you terribly,” I said, jutting out my bottom lip.
Beth squeezed me until it was hard to breathe. “I’m going to miss you, too. But we’l stil see each other, right?”
“Of course we wil . ” I smiled.
I waved goodbye to her and Chad, and then sat on my bed, exhausted. As usual, any normal, content feelings I had left with the moment.
Ryan turned to see the look on my face. “What is it, Babe?”
I smiled. “No one’s here, Ryan. You don’t have to cal me that. ”
“I don’t do it for other people,” he said, an amused grin spanning his face.