SLAVE Oh, yes! I like a spot of muttering.
XANTHIAS And what about prying into his affairs, eh?
SLAVE There’s nothing quite like prying.
750 XANTHIAS I can see we’re going to get along fine, you and me. Have you ever tried eavesdropping when he’s got company?
SLAVE Eavesdropping? Are you kidding me? That’s my favourite.
XANTHIAS And then passing it all on to other people, eh?
SLAVE That’s so good, it makes me shoot off on the spot!
XANTHIAS Put it there, old boy! Listen, my old mucker, my partner in crime, what’s all that yelling and shouting in there? What’s all the fuss about?
SLAVE That’ll be Aeschylus and Euripides.
XANTHIAS What on earth are they up to?
SLAVE There’s serious trouble among the dead at the moment.
760 You might almost call it civil war.
XANTHIAS What do you mean?
SLAVE Well, there’s a custom down here that applies to all the fine arts and skilled professions: whoever’s the best in each discipline has the right to have his dinner in the Great Hall, with his own chair of honour,65 up near Pluto.
XANTHIAS I see.
SLAVE But if somebody else comes along who’s better in the profession, then the incumbent has to stand down.
XANTHIAS So what is it that’s upset Aeschylus?
770 SLAVE Well, he had the chair for tragedy, being the best and all.
XANTHIAS And now?
SLAVE Well, Euripides came along and started showing off to all the other people we’ve got down here, you know, cut-throats, highwaymen, murderers, burglars – a right rough lot they are – and of course he soon had them all twisted round his little finger, with all his arguments and clever talking. So they’ve all started saying he’s the best, and he’s decided to lay claim to the chair instead of Aeschylus.
XANTHIAS Didn’t he get a shoeing for that?
780 SLAVE Not at all. The people all said they had the right to judge who was the greatest.
XANTHIAS What people? All those criminals you mentioned?
SLAVE A hell of a fuss they kicked up too.
XANTHIAS Didn’t anyone side with Aeschylus?
SLAVE There aren’t many decent folk down here – take a look for yourself. [He points towards the audience.]
XANTHIAS What’s Pluto going to do about it?
SLAVE He’s going to do things properly, you know, hold a contest to test their skill.
XANTHIAS Just those two? Didn’t Sophocles put in a claim?
SLAVE Lord, no! When he came down here, he went straight up to Aeschylus, took his hand and kissed him like a brother.
790 He renounced any claim to the chair. And now he’s sent word that if Aeschylus wins – all well and good, but if Euripides wins, he’ll take him on himself.
XANTHIAS It’s really about to happen?
SLAVE Any minute now – right here where we’re standing. They’ll even have the scales out for weighing their poetry.
XANTHIAS Weighing poetry? What, like slices of meat?
SLAVE Oh, yes, it’s all got to be measured properly, with rulers, yardsticks, compasses and wedges, and god knows what else.
800 XANTHIAS A regular torture chamber.
SLAVE Euripides says he’s going to put every line to the test.
XANTHIAS I imagine Aeschylus is boiling with rage.
SLAVE He’s been looking at the ground all day, glowering like a bull.
XANTHIAS Who’s going to be the judge?
SLAVE That was a tricky one. It was hard to find anyone clever enough. And then Aeschylus said he didn’t see eye to eye with the Athenians.66
XANTHIAS All those rogues and what have you – I see his point.
SLAVE And as for the others, he says, none of them could tell a
810 poet from the back end of a donkey. So in the end they settled on your master – after all, he’s supposed to be an expert. Anyway, we’d better go in. It never pays to get in their way when they’re busy.
[XANTHIAS and the SLAVE withdraw. Now DIONYSUS and PLUTO emerge from the palace and take up their seats.67 SLAVES also come out carrying pieces of weighing and measuring equipment, and arrange the seating for the contest. Meanwhile an altercation is heard as EURIPIDES and AESCHYLUS appear mid-argument. They come to some sort of order in the presence of DIONYSUS, and take up seats beside him.]
CHORUS
Ah, how impressive the rage that burns in the heart of the Thunderer,
Seeing the fangs of his rival exposed in a gesture of hate!
Note how superbly he raves, and with what independence his eyeballs
In divers directions gyrate!
820 Words are his weapons: watch out, as the armour-clad syllables hurtle,
Helmeted, crested and plumed, from the lips of the poet most high!
Wait for the clash and din as the metaphors collide and mingle,
The sparks as the particles fly!
See the great spread of his mane, as it bristles in leonine fury:
No one can doubt for a moment those whiskers truly are his own!
Huge are the words that he wields, great compounds with rivets and bolts in,
And epithets hewn from stone.68
Now it’s the challenger’s turn to reply to this verbal bombardment:
Neatly each phrase he dissects, with intelligence subtle and keen;
Harmless around him the adjectives tumble, as he ducks for cover
And squeaks, ‘It depends what you mean.’69
830 EURIPIDES [jumping to his feet] I see no reason why I should withdraw. I happen to be the better poet.
DIONYSUS Why silent, Aeschylus? You heard his words?
[AESCHYLUS remains silent with rage.]
EURIPIDES It’s just like the entire Aeschylean approach. The dignified silence, the pregnant pause?
DIONYSUS That’s a bit of a sweeping statement, Euripides.
EURIPIDES I saw through him years ago. All that rugged grandeur – it’s all so uncultivated and unrestrained. No subtlety whatsoever. Just a torrent of verbiage, stiffened with superlatives and padded out with pretentious polysyllables.
840 AESCHYLUS [apoplectic with rage] That’s about the level of criticism one might expect from you, ‘son of the seed-goddess’.70 And what are your plays but a concatenation of
commonplaces, as threadbare as the ragged beggars who populate them.
DIONYSUS Come now, Aeschylus, ‘Do not inflame your inward parts with baleful rage.’71 Calm down!
AESCHYLUS Not till I’ve told this cripple-merchant72 where to get off.
DIONYSUS Someone fetch me a black lamb,73 quick! There’s stormy weather blowing this way.
AESCHLYUS Not only do you clutter the stage with cripples and beggars but you make your characters sing and dance
850 Cretan arias. What’s more, you build your plots around unsavoury topics like incest74 and –
DIONYSUS Whoa there, Aeschylus, steady on! And you, Euripides, wouldn’t it be wiser if you moved back out of range? I’d hate to see you get hit on the head by a main clause and give birth to a premature tragedy. Aeschylus, try not to lose your temper. Surely two poets can criticize each other’s work without screaming like fishwives, or flaring up like a forest fire.
860 EURIPIDES I’m ready for him. Let Aeschylus have first say if he wants to. I can handle it. Criticize whatever you like – diction, lyrics, the very sinews of tragedy. I don’t care which play you take: Peleus, Aeolus, Meleager – why, even Telephusl75
DIONYSUS Well, Aeschylus?
AESCHYLUS I had hoped to avoid having a contest here: it puts me at a considerable disadvantage.
DIONYSUS How so?
AESCHYLUS My plays have outlived me so I don’t have them
870 to hand down here.76 His died with him. But never mind. Let’s have a contest, if we must, by all means.
DIONYSUS Right. Bring the brazier and the incense! [DIONYSUS rises, takes incense
and a libation cup, and goes to the altar. He burns the incense and pours a libation.] Before the shafts of wit begin to fly, I pray that I may judge this cultural event with the highest artistic sensibility. [To the CHORUS] You, meanwhile, offer up a prayer to the Muses.
CHORUS
When men of sage and subtle mind
In fierce debate their views do vent,
And strive some priceless phrase to find
880 To mask each specious argument,
Then Zeus’s virgin daughters nine
Stand by to watch the sport divine.
Come then today, you Muses bright!
Two worse foes never took the field:
For one is armed with words of might,
And one the sword of wit does wield.
O heavenly maids, your presence lend!
The game’s afoot! Descend, descend!
DIONYSUS Now you must each offer a prayer before we begin.
[He offers some incense to AESCHYLUS.]
AESCHYLUS O Demeter, who do nourish my spirit, may I prove worthy of your mysteries!77
DIONYSUS Euripides, take some incense.
EURIPIDES Thank you but no; I pray to other gods.
890 DIONYSUS What, special ones of your own? A private pantheon?
EURIPIDES Precisely.
DIONYSUS Right then. Pray to your personal gods.
EURIPIDES Hail, Ether, my sustainer! Hail, Hinge of Tongue! Hail, Mind and sentient Nostrils!78 Inspire me with successful arguments.
CHORUS
We’re expecting, of course, to pick up a few tips
From these poets so clever and wise,
As elegant utterance falls from their lips
And their temperatures gradually rise.
Since neither is lacking in brains or in grit
900 It should be a thrilling debate:
While one pins his hopes on his neatly turned wit,
The other relies on his weight.
For shrewd dialectic he cares not a jot;
Though traps be contrived for his fall,
He’ll swoop down like thunder and quell the lot –
Quips, quibbles, his rival and all!
[DIONYSUS and the TWO POETS have resumed their seats, and the contest begins.]
DIONYSUS Right. Let’s go. And see that it’s clever, original stuff – no far-fetched comparisons, or clichés! [He invites EURIPIDES to begin.]
EURIPIDES Before I deal with my own work as a creative artist, I should like to say a few words about my opponent. To put
910 it simply, he is a charlatan and a con-artist. Look at the way he cheated his audience: although brought up on Phrynichus79 they were pretty brainless anyway. The play would begin with a seated figure, all covered up – Niobe, for example, or Achilles. The face is veiled – dramatic tension –but not a word.80
DIONYSUS Yes, I remember.
EURIPIDES Then the Chorus would rattle off a string of odes – four of them, one after the other – but still not a peep from the veiled figure.
DIONYSUS I must say I rather enjoyed the old silent days. As much as all the babble we get nowadays.
EURIPIDES That’s because you were stupid then.
DIONYSUS I think you’re right. So what was he playing at?
EURIPIDES The whole thing was a scam. The audience sat there
920 all keyed up, waiting for Niobe to say something. Meanwhile the play went on… and on… and on.
DIONYSUS The sly old dog! To think I never cottoned on! [To AESCHYLUS] Keep still! And stop fidgeting!
EURIPIDES He knows he’s beaten. Well, eventually, after a lot more of this nonsense, about halfway through the play, we get a speech. And what a speech! A dozen bulldozing phrases, fearsome things with crests and beetling brows. Sesquipedalian stuff! But, of course, nobody knew what it meant.
[AESCHYLUS utters a moan of rage.]
DIONYSUS What is that noise?
EURIPIDES You just couldn’t make sense of any of it. It was all –
DIONYSUS [to AESCHYLUS] Will you stop gnashing your teeth?
EURIPIDES All Scamanders, fosses, shields embossed with brazen gryphon-eagles. Words that left you utterly baffled.
930 DIONYSUS Yes, I once lay awake half the night trying to figure out what kind of creature a tawny Hippocock was.
AESCHYLUS It was the device painted on the ships,81 you ignoramus!
DIONYSUS And there was I thinking it must be another name for our friend Eryxis.82
EURIPIDES But is a cock suitable material for a tragedy?
AESCHYLUS And you, you blasphemer, what did you put into your plays?
EURIPIDES No hippococks or goatstags, that’s for sure – nor anything else you’d find on Persian tapestries. When I took over Tragedy from you, the poor creature was in a terrible
940 way – all bloated with embellishment and constipated with verbiage. But I soon got her weight down with a diet of particles and a little finely chopped logic and a sprinkling of chatter-juice, freshly squeezed from books. Then I put her on to monodies –
DIONYSUS With a shot of Cephisophon.83
EURIPIDES At least I didn’t keep rambling on about the first thing that came into my head, or plunge right into the middle of the story and leave everybody guessing. The first character that came on would immediately explain the play’s background and origin.84
AESCHLYUS Which was invariably better than your own!85
EURIPIDES What’s more, as soon as the play began I had everyone hard at work. No one would stand idle. Women,
950 slaves, the master, the young maiden, the old crone – they all talked.
AESCHYLUS And didn’t you deserve to die for such an outrage!
EURIPIDES Certainly not. It was democracy in action.
DIONYSUS I should keep off that subject, old boy, if I were you.86
EURIPIDES [indicating the audience] And then, you see, I taught these people to talk…
AESCHYLUS You certainly did, by god. If only you’d been torn to pieces first!
EURIPIDES I taught them how to apply subtle rules, how to turn a phrase neatly. I taught them to observe, to discern, to interpret; to use spin, to massage the facts; to suspect the worst, to take nothing at face value…
AESCHYLUS You did indeed.
EURIPIDES I wrote about everyday things, things the audience
960 knew about and could take me up on if necessary. I didn’t try to bludgeon them into submission with long words, or disorient them with characters like Cycnus or Memnon, haring about with bells on their chariots and rings on their toes. You’ve only got to look at his disciples, and compare them with mine. He’s got Phormisius and Megaenetus,87 the beard-lance-and-trumpet, tear-’em-limb-from-limb brigade; whereas I have Cleitophon88 and that clever Theramenes.
DIONYSUS Theramenes? He’s clever all right. Whenever he
970 runs into trouble, what happens? A lucky throw, and up pops Theramenes, well clear of the danger zone as usual.
EURIPIDES What I did was to teach the audience to use its brains, introduce a bit of logic into the drama. The public have learnt from me how to think, how to run their households, to ask, ‘Why is this so? What do we mean by that?’
980 DIONYSUS That’s right: whenever an Athenian comes home nowadays, he shouts at the servants and starts asking, ‘Why is the flour jar not in its proper place? Who bit the head off this sprat? What’s happened to that cup I had last year? Where is yesterday’s garlic? Who’s been nibbling at this olive?’
990 Whereas before Euripides came along they just sat there staring blankly.
CHORUS
You see this, famed Achilles:89
Be careful what you say!
Beware lest fury seize you
And carry you away.
What if he dares denounce you
With taunts and rank abuse?
To fly into a passion
Will not be any use.
So leave your angry fuming,
1000 Shorten your sail
instead;
Wait till the wind blows steady
And then go straight ahead.
CHORUS-LEADER
Come, master of the towering phrase, great poet of the age,
Lord of the lofty gibberish that’s spouted on the stage,
The time has come for action, flinch or falter you must not,
So open up the floodgates, and give him all you’ve got!
AESCHYLUS It distresses and pains me to have been drawn into an altercation with him. I find the whole situation extremely distasteful. But I suppose I shall have to reply, or he’ll claim I’m lost for an answer. I’ll start by asking him a question. [To EURIPIDES] What are the qualities you look for in a good poet?
1010 EURIPIDES Technical ability. A poet should also teach people how to be better citizens.
AESCHYLUS And if you’ve failed to do this? If you’ve presented good men, noble men, as despicable wretches, what punishment do you deserve?
DIONYSUS Death! No need to ask.
AESCHYLUS Well, now, look at the characters I left him. Fine, stalwart figures, larger than life. Men who didn’t shirk their duty. My heroes weren’t like these marketplace loafers, delinquents and rogues they write about nowadays. They were real heroes, breathing spears and lances, white-plumed helmets, breastplates and greaves; heroes with hearts of oxhide, seven layers thick.90
EURIPIDES There you are! What did I tell you?
DIONYSUS I hope he’s not going to start hammering helmets here.
EURIPIDES And how did you show the nobility of these characters of yours?
1020 DIONYSUS Come on, Aeschylus, don’t be priggish or difficult.
AESCHYLUS By putting them into works imbued with martial spirit.
EURIPIDES Such as?
AESCHYLUS Well, my Seven Against Thebes,91 for example. No one could see that play without wanting to go off at once and slaughter their enemies.
DIONYSUS Well, it was very unwise of you. You made the Thebans brave beyond recognition!
AESCHYLUS The Athenians could have done likewise, only they couldn’t be bothered. I also put on my Persians:92 a telling lesson on the will to win. A truly great achievement.
DIONYSUS I did like that bit where they sang about the days of the great Darius, and the Chorus went like this with their hands, crying ‘Wah! Wah!’
1030 AESCHYLUS [ignoring him] That’s the kind of thing a poet should be doing. You see, from the very first, the truly great artist has always had a useful lesson to teach. Orpheus93 gave us the Mysteries and taught people that murder was wrong; Musaeus94 showed us how to cure diseases and to prophesy; Hesiod explained about agriculture and the seasons for ploughing and harvesting.95 And why is Homer held up as a paragon, if not for the valuable military instruction embodied in his work? Organization, training, equipment96 – it’s all there.