“Are you drunk?” he asks, his lip curling in disgust. “If that guy got you hammered and—”
“Shut up, Caleb.” I drop my shoes by the door. “I’m not drunk. I’m tired and want to go to my room without having to deal with you.”
He inhales slowly and releases a God-grant-me-the-patience sigh, pushing to his feet. “Fine, you’re right. That didn’t come out the way I wanted. I’m here to apologize. Any mistakes you made last night were my fault. I drove you to it.”
“Oh, how big of you,” I say, heavy on the sarcasm, low on the patience. “But the only mistake I made was not realizing how much of an asshole you are sooner. Anything that happened after that was far from a mistake. Best. Night. Ever.”
The expression on his face goes tight as he stalks over to me. He puts his hands on my shoulders and attempts a sincere look. “Listen. Nothing happened with Rebecca. After you left last night, I brought her home. Let’s talk about this. We can work on things.”
I shrug out of his grasp. “You think I care what you did or didn’t do with Rebecca? You two can have each other. Go wake her up for a morning fuck. I don’t care.”
His lips part. He’s probably shocked that I cursed. I usually keep that in check around him. He thinks it’s unladylike. “What did that guy do to you? I don’t even recognize you.”
I shake my head with a bitter laugh. “You never did, Caleb. That’s the problem. And what that guy did to me is none of your business.” I push up on my toes and get close to his ear. “But it was fucking fantastic.”
And with that, I stroll past him into my bedroom and shove the door closed behind me.
The reflection in my dresser mirror greets me from across the room.
I don’t recognize that rumpled, confident, smiling person either.
Hello, Me. Meet the new girl.
Chapter 11
Monroe
“Is that all of it?” my brother asks, tossing a duffel bag in the back of the van.
I check the clock on my phone. Not for the first time. “Yeah, all I’ve got left is hooking up the trailer for my bike.”
Will braces his hand on the roof of the van and leans in. “You did a damn good job on this, little bro. Though, you should’ve kept the blue shag carpeted walls. That shit was awesome.”
“No fucking way. I would’ve felt like I was sleeping inside of Cookie Monster.”
He snorts and pushes off the van. “You got all the food out of the fridge?”
“Yeah, there’s a box of stuff from the pantry on the counter. Take what you want and ditch the rest. You sure you don’t mind keeping an eye on the place?”
“I’ve got it covered. No worries.”
“Cool.” The house is the one we grew up in, so I know he knows all its quirks and the things that could come up.
He closes the rear door and turns to me, arms crossed, that I-am-the-all-powerful-all-knowing-big-brother look on his face. “What’s with you? You’ve been talking about this trip nonstop for the last few months and now you look like you’re on the way to a funeral.”
I shrug. But the move feels stiff, forced. “I’m fine. Just didn’t get a lot of sleep. I’ll be good once I get some caffeine.”
His eyes narrow, but he doesn’t push me on it. “I’ll take care of hitching up the trailer. You go inside and make sure you didn’t forget anything.”
I tuck my phone in my pocket and go back into the house, knowing I need to get my head out of my ass. I have three months ahead of me. No obligations. No work. And a different view every day. Being in a shitty mood because a girl isn’t as insane as I am is pointless. I know what I’m doing is out there. And the fact that I asked a near stranger to come with me probably makes me certifiable. So why should I be surprised that she isn’t on board?
God. I’ve turned into one of those Hey, Girl memes everyone’s always posting on Facebook. Hey, Girl. Get in my van. I’ll show you the country while I feed you delicacies from greasy spoons.
Lame.
No wonder Natalie bailed.
I wander through each room, checking and double-checking everything, then grab my backpack. Enough of this crap mood. I just need to get on the road and put all this drama in my rearview. Hanging around is only making it worse.
I step outside, closing the door behind me, and am happy to see the trailer all hooked up and my bike already on it. Excellent. Time to roll.
I look for Will, but he’s no longer in the garage. Voices drift from behind me, and I turn around. My brother is laughing about something. I set my backpack down and step around the front of the van. At the end of the driveway I see my brother. And a girl.
My girl.
Something inside me loosens.
She came.
Chapter 12
Natalie
The expression on his face is all I need to know. I came here with a bag packed but my mind not one hundred percent made up. This whole thing still feels crazy and reckless and has high potential for being a disaster. But ever since Monroe dropped me off that morning after my birthday night, I haven’t been able to think of much else.
I told my mom that I’d visit her sometime this summer but that I won’t be moving back in. It felt liberating.
And when I’d gotten that obligation off my summer agenda, I’d tried to make other plans. I’d looked for apartments. I’d skimmed through job ads online. But over and over again, I found my mind drifting to eating cupcakes under strings of lights and making out by the lake and riding a motorcycle with my eyes wide open. And Monroe. Always back to Monroe with his pretty eyes and badass tattoos and pig parts T-shirt. The guy who wasn’t going to let life sail by without him. The guy who chased bluebirds.
And so last night, I’d found myself packing a bag, putting in things a girl needs for a long road trip and camping and long walks on the beach. I’d even bought a new bikini.
But still, I haven’t been sure until right this moment, looking up and seeing his smile—the genuine joy on that too-handsome face. He’s been waiting for me.
He strolls down the driveway, and I lose track of what the older Hawkins is saying. Monroe stops a few paces from us, tucking his hands in his back pockets. “Hey.”
I feel a goofy-ass smile lifting my lips, and I can’t stop it. “Hey.”
“You’re here.”
“Apparently, I’ve lost my mind.”
He laughs. “Perfect. Sanity is overrated.”
The brother’s eyebrows disappear beneath his hairline, and he jabs a thumb toward the house. “I, uh, will go lock up. Nice meeting you, Natalie.”
“Same here. Thanks again for the discount on the car stuff.”
“No problem.” He pats Monroe’s shoulder as he passes him, and there’s a look exchanged between the brothers.
I have a feeling I’ve been given some stamp of approval.
Monroe moves closer, his hands slipping out of his pockets. “So . . . you have a bag.”
“I do. Is this still an open invitation or did you pick up some other girl off the side of the road to replace me already?”
He smirks. “That invitation was only for you, princess. Of course, if there’s not a skimpy bikini in that bag, then the deal’s off.”
“Will you settle for slightly skimpy?”
“Done.” He wraps me into a bear hug and kisses me soundly. “I can’t believe you’re actually here. And I can’t believe you waited until five minutes to seven to show up. Way to make a guy sweat.”
I laugh, a weird giddiness rising in me, like I’m filled up with champagne bubbles. “My sane side put up a good fight.”
“And then your crazy side decided I’m just way too good in bed to pass up.”
“Exactly.”
“Damn, Nat, I’m so freaking happy you’re here.” He kisses me again. “I can’t even be cool about it.”
I grin. “I know exactly how you feel. But listen, if we’re really going to do this, we need to set some ground rules first.”
&n
bsp; He sets me down and puts on a serious face. “Okay. You’re right. There are probably things we should know about each other since we’re going to be trapped in small spaces together for a long time.”
“Right. I’ll go first.” I step back a little but keep my hands on his chest because I have this need to touch him after denying myself the privilege the last few days. “For road trips, I require beef jerky and Twizzlers at all times. And I have very high standards for public bathrooms, so I get to make the call on where we make pit stops. And I have an affinity for weird tourist attractions so plan on National Lampoon’s Vacation–style detours.”
“Like the largest ball of twine and shit?”
I nod, my tone grave. “Exactly.”
“I can work with that. Now my turn. Let’s get the biggest bomb out of the way first. I am a relentless morning person.”
I grimace. Ugh, mornings. “I’ll take that into consideration as long as you don’t expect me to be a morning person.”
“And I’m a complete control freak about driving—worst backseat driver ever.”
“I happily cede my feminist right to be behind the wheel.”
“We will go to restaurants that look like dives, but I promise you I’ve done my research and it will be worth it. And I will sometimes be completely annoying with my opinion on the food.”
“Understandable.”
“Also, I have more than one pig T-shirt.”
“I have more than one Justin Timberlake concert T-shirt.”
He puts a fist over his heart like I’ve stabbed him. “I think I’m out.”
I shove his shoulder. “Shut up. But, seriously, we should probably cover that, too. Music could be a deal breaker. That’s a lot of hours on the road.”
He grabs my hands and laces his fingers with mine. “Yes, this is serious. Here goes. Our fate lies in this. I hate hip-hop, techno, and modern country. I can tolerate some pop and like hard rock. Old-school country is good sometimes.” He bows his head. “And I have a deep, completely un-ironic love for eighties metal.”
I snort. “Seriously?”
“Yes, it’s true. Even the hair bands. My dad raised me on that stuff. Are you cutting me loose now?”
I use our linked hands to pull him against me. “You’re really lucky you’re good in bed because that . . . that’s just appalling.”
“You will learn to love it. I promise.”
“I’ll make you a deal. For every one of those songs I have to listen to, I will subject you to Katy Perry or Taylor Swift.”
“I accept this deal.”
He guides my arms around his waist, and I bury my face in his T-shirt. “God, Monroe. This could turn into such a disaster.”
His hands slide into my hair and he tips my face upward. His blue eyes are clear and earnest. “This is going to be amazing.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you’re so good in bed.”
I roll my eyes. “Right.”
“It’s going to be amazing”—he takes one of my hands and puts it over his heart, right where his tattoo is—“because we’re chasing our bluebirds, Nat. And nothing feels better than that.”
I swallow hard. “Think we’ll catch them?”
He lowers his face, a breath away from mine, his palms cupping my jaw. “Yeah, I think we will.”
And then he kisses me, and any doubts I have left are lost in the rush of emotions.
This feels good.
This feels right.
This feels . . . like happy.
I may have even heard a bird sing.
Epilogue
Natalie
I close my eyes and listen to the rise and fall of the waves, the quiet roar of the ocean so much a part of me now that soon my breaths are matching the beat. In and out. In and out. Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. My late summer soundtrack.
I may never be able to sleep again without that sound.
“How’s the inspiration break coming?”
The voice behind me brings a smile to my face. I open my eyes and roll over. It’s dark out, but the porch light from the beach house gives off just enough of a glow for me to see the outline of Monroe heading toward me in the sand in only a pair of board shorts.
“I wrote for a while then needed a break and started a letter to my mom instead.”
Monroe plops down next to me in the sand and leans over to kiss me. Comfortable. Familiar. Effortless. That’s how we are with each other these days. “Yeah? How’d that go?”
I prop up on my elbow. It’s still a little strange to be talking openly about my mom and her problems. Usually, I do my best to not let anyone know where I came from and all the problems in my family. But I’ve spent endless hours with Monroe. On the road. In our tent. And for the last few weeks, in his friend’s beach house. And everything has been talked about at some point. He’s amazingly easy to talk to. We even made a brief stop in Oklahoma for me to check in on my mom.
Monroe, of course, insisted on being introduced. I thought I’d die of embarrassment when he saw the beat-up trailer we called home and met my mom, who was clearly one too many pain pills past her limit for the day. But he’d been kind to her and hadn’t given any signs that he was disgusted by anything. Even when Mom pulled me aside and told me none-too-quietly, “What is wrong with you, Nattie? That’s the kind of boy who will use you up and leave you on your ass, little girl. Don’t you be stupid like me and fall for a pretty face. And you better be on the pill because I’m not raising some baby for you.”
I’d almost laughed at that. Like I’d ever let her near a kid. But when I had walked into the next room and realized Monroe had heard the whole exchange, I’d wanted to fall into a crack in the floor. He pretended like he hadn’t heard, but I knew he had.
So when we got back on the road after the three-day visit, I’d felt more than a little strung out and ashamed. But Monroe hadn’t let me get away with my moping. He’d driven us straight to a place that served the “Best Banana Splits in the South” (according to the sign) and fed me ice cream (that did turn out to be pretty damn good). And when we settled in later that night, he’d pulled me into his arms, kissed me, and told me, “You, Natalie Bourne, are an amazing girl. I’m sorry that your mom has too many of her own problems to see that, but know that I see it. And the rest of the world will see it. You are not that past.”
I’d cried. And he’d let me get all snotty all over his sleeve.
Then when I got control of myself, he’d added, “And we would so not let her raise our baby.”
That had made me laugh. And after that, I hadn’t felt any fear about telling Monroe anything at all.
I shift on my elbow, trying to sit up a little more, but the sand beneath the blanket is fighting me. “Still a work in progress. How’s your mission for the ultimate crab bisque?”
His expression sours. “I can’t get the texture right with this batch. It’s too thin. But I think I’ve nailed the seasonings down. I could go get you a bowl if you want to—”
“No.” I hold up my palm. “Seriously, I love you, but one more bowl and you’re going to cream of mushroom me like your mom did to you. I’ll never be able to eat crab again.”
I’m smiling, but I realize I’ve made some mistake when his playful expression goes slack and he just stares at me.
I quickly rewind what I said in my head, trying to figure out what’s wrong. Did I hurt his feelings about the soup? He can’t think that— Oh, shit. Now it hits me. I realize what I’ve let slip out. The L word.
That’s not at all what I meant to say. Even if it’s the truth.
“Nat . . .”
I put my hand to my mouth and sit up. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“You didn’t what? Didn’t mean it?”
“I didn’t—” I shake my head. I’m not going to lie. That’s not fair. “I didn’t mean to say it.”
“But did you mean it?”
“Monroe—”
“Because I s
o fucking love you back,” he says, taking my hand.
Now it’s my turn to gawk like an idiot. “Wait, what? You do?”
I feel like I might throw up. In a good way.
He laughs, sounding more than a little relieved. “Of course I do. Can’t you tell? You think this is still one big, long hook-up?”
“I—I don’t know. I wasn’t sure—”
“Then be sure now, Nat,” he says, kissing my knuckles and meeting my eyes. “I’m completely stupid over you. Like, losing-my-mind into you.”
I can’t even speak.
“And now it looks like I’ve freaked you out.”
I stare at him a moment longer. Then I tackle him.
We crash into the sand, and I kiss him with everything I’ve got. I’m not even sure I’m landing my mouth in the right places. I’m murmuring I love you, love you, love you in between. Hands go everywhere and soon we’ve moved from yay-we-love-each-other making out to something more urgent.
His hand slips under the neck-tie of my bikini top, and the string slides free of the knot. My body goes hot and the waves seem to increase in volume. Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. Or maybe it’s blood rushing through my ears. His kisses trail down to my breasts, my nipples hardening in the night air and begging for his mouth. We’ve never done this, not on the beach.
But it’s a private beach for residents, and it’s late and dark. I haven’t seen anyone out here for at least two hours. And right now, I kind of don’t care if we’re seen. It’s too good to want to stop.
Monroe rolls me beneath him, putting me back on the blanket I’d been sitting on, and kisses down my body. We’re moving fast and frantic, but it feels so right. When he reaches the apex of my thighs, he runs his tongue along the outside of my bathing suit, the heat of his touch burning through the thin material like a firebrand. I make a desperate sound and angle my hips upward without conscious effort. His finger plays at the edge of my bikini bottoms and he looks up at me. “Trust me?”
I know if I say I’d rather move it inside, we will and he won’t mind. But I don’t want to. I want to be with him on this beach where we’ve spent so much time together. I want to taste the salt-laced air and hear the ocean as he moves inside me, as we make love. But then a practical thought gives me pause. “Condom?”