“What did she say?”
“For many years, she refused to let me see her. Beth thought it was too soon. But I persisted. When Lilith got to be around nine, her mother finally agreed. We came up with a plan for me to volunteer once a week. Lilith is under the impression that her mother just brought me in to pass the time with her after school. We even set it up through the Big Sister Program of Michigan. She also has a nanny who watches her while her parents work. They both work a lot of hours. So, for the past year, I’ve been getting to know her in the only way that I can—as her Big Sister.”
Landon was still absorbing it. “My God. How are you able to pull that off? It has to be incredibly difficult for you.”
“I know this is going to sound strange. But Lilith makes it easy to forget the pain. We truly have become friends, connecting with each other on a human level, regardless of the roles we play in each other’s lives. She is amazingly smart…witty…and mature beyond her years. I’m extremely grateful to Beth for giving me the opportunity and not shutting me out because she very well could have done that. Perhaps I even deserved that.”
“So, you agreed not to tell Lilith your identity? Are you ever going to tell her?”
“Lilith knows she’s adopted. Her mother was always open with her about that from as early of an age as she could understand it. But Beth has not yet allowed me to tell her who I am. It’s unclear if she ever will let me, but I don’t want to press the issue right now out of fear that they won’t let me see her anymore. I wouldn’t ever try to steal her away. I only want to be in her life, to help look out for her, and to make sure what happened to me never happens to her.” A tear fell. “I love her so much. And I just want her to know that, even if I have to show her, rather than tell her. She’s the reason I can’t ever leave Michigan, Landon. I wasn’t completely honest back in California when I said the reason was that I couldn’t leave my father. It’s Lilith. Only Lilith. If it weren’t for her, I would’ve stayed in L.A. I would’ve never left you, wouldn’t have even come back here at all.”
Landon shook his head in disbelief. “Holy shit, Rana. This is—”
“I know. I know this is a shock.”
“Holy shit,” he repeated.
He was silent for the longest time. I couldn’t blame him. His girlfriend suddenly had a ten-year-old child. Not to mention all of the similarities between Lilith’s situation and his own.
“Say something, Landon.”
He just sat down and placed his head in his hands. I knew then that my revelation wasn’t something he was going to accept very easily, certainly not in the short time he had left in Michigan.
The days that followed Landon’s return to L.A. were the hardest.
At my worst moments, I seriously wondered if I would ever see him again. I was looking for verbal reassurance that everything was going to turn out okay when he hadn’t exactly given that to me. I think the shock of my news was really too much for him.
The one good thing: he told me he started seeing a therapist. Landon assured me that it wasn’t only because of his need to deal with his feelings about my revelation. It was something that he felt was long overdue. He had never really dealt with his abandonment issues, nor had he ever spoken to anyone about the shame he felt over his past profession.
It was simply too much for him to absorb all at once, first the fact that I’d given up a child and then the realization that Lilith was, in fact, my daughter. I knew it just hit way too close to home. It was amazing how parallel situations could impact both of our lives in similar but different ways. We were on opposite sides of essentially the same life circumstance.
My story couldn’t have been more different from his birth mother’s, but the outcome was the same in his eyes; Beverly and I had each relinquished the rights to our children. And I imagined he had a really difficult time separating his own situation from Lilith’s. His mother was no longer around, however, to serve as the recipient of any lingering resentment.
I was.
PRETTY DAMN MAGNIFICENT
My father came by one afternoon and caught me in the midst of a really down day.
He threw his keys on the counter. “You sad, Ranoona?”
My head was resting over my forearms on the kitchen table when I mumbled, “Yes.”
“I have warm pita bread.”
“Warm pita bread doesn’t solve everything, Papa.”
“No, but we have butter. Warm pita and butter solve a lot.” He winked, and I couldn’t help but smile as I lifted my head up.
My father split a large circle of bread in half before grabbing the butter from the refrigerator. He sat back down and buttered me a slice.
I took a bite. “So, I saw you went to visit Lilith recently.”
He was quiet and simply nodded.
“Yeah. She told me she got another envelope,” I said.
About six months ago, Lilith announced that she believed God had been leaving her money. For a while, I just listened to her stories without thinking anything of it. She said envelopes that had her name written on the front would just show up, either under her front door or sometimes tied to something in the yard. The reason she thought it was God leaving them was because of the religious pictures on each one. I asked her to show me one of them and immediately realized that they were the donation envelopes from my father’s church, St. Cecilia’s.
Papa always knew her whereabouts but had never really talked about her much. Finding out about the envelopes was the first time I realized how much she’d been on his mind over the years. He later confessed that he’d thought of her often. He knew about my arrangement to see her each week and never tried to talk me out of it. The envelopes were proof that I had underestimated his feelings for his granddaughter. He apparently left the envelopes occasionally when he knew her parents were at work and that she was in school. He was careful not to get caught.
Lilith wanted to know why God didn’t know how to spell her name, because he’d always leave out the ‘H’ at the end. The funny thing was, that was exactly how my father pronounced her name—“Lilit.” So, to this day, she believed that God was sending her money and that He needed spelling lessons.
I couldn’t help but laugh one afternoon when she asked me if I thought God would be offended if she spent some of his money on a Brooklyn Beckham poster. I’d told her to go for it, that God made her the way she is, and fancying handsome boys is part of human nature.
“I told Landon about Lilith, Papa.”
He momentarily stopped buttering his bread. “What he say?”
I knew that worried my father, who was old-fashioned and would have never considered taking up with someone who already had a child. Granted, his choosing a young virgin to marry totally bit him in the ass when my sheltered mother went off the rails into perpetual rebellion, never to return.
“He was shocked. You know he’s adopted. So, he has a lot of unresolved issues with that. I didn’t want to tell him, but I had to, because I’ve fallen in love with him.”
My father looked surprised to hear those words coming out of my mouth. I’d never even admitted to him that I liked anyone let alone loved someone.
He seemed to ponder my words then nodded. “I see.”
“What are you thinking?”
“Nothing.” He smiled. “Happy.”
“Yeah, well, I’m just afraid that he won’t be able to get over it.”
Papa always had the same answer for everything. “Pray to Blessed Mother. She fix.”
I normally laughed at him. I mean, this was the same man who swore to have seen the Virgin Mary’s image in a piece of toast. But on this particular day, after my father left, I went over to the statue he’d brought—the one whose primary purpose had been to protect me from Lenny—and prayed.
Later that day, I was checking Landon’s app as I normally did, and something troubling was on the screen.
It was a note that said: Landon’s Lunch Box is temporarily closed. Please check
back soon for updates.
Freaking out, I picked up the phone and dialed him immediately.
“Landon, what’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why is the truck shut down?”
“It’s in transition.”
“Transition?”
“Yes. I sold it. Got a buyer unexpectedly.”
“You sold the truck? Why didn’t you tell me you were selling it?”
“I was going to tell you. I didn’t want to give you false hope until I signed on the dotted line. Today’s literally the first day it’s shut down. I wanted to make sure I had everything else in order before I told you.”
“Everything else in order? What do you mean?”
“I mean…I’m getting out of my apartment, and I have to get rid of the Range Rover.”
“What’s happening?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m moving to Michigan. But I didn’t tell you yet because it still might take a while to sell my car and close out all of my business here. But a buyer came about unexpectedly for the truck, so I had to take advantage of that while I could, since that was the biggest hurdle.”
It still hadn’t fully registered. “You’re…moving…here?”
“Did you really think I could stay out here much longer? Clearly you underestimate my need for you.”
Feeling all kinds of happy inside, I didn’t even know what to say. “I mean, of course, I hoped it would happen but—”
“How else are we gonna work on our relationship? I understand now that there’s no way you could ever move here, nor would I ever want you to now that I know about Lilith. There’s no choice. I don’t want to live without you, so I need to get off my ass and move.”
“I had no idea you were moving here so soon. In fact, I was afraid I was losing you. You’ve been a little distant lately.”
“I’m sorry if it seemed that way. I’ve been so busy trying to tie up loose ends here. And I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. My therapist has really helped me to look at things from a different perspective. I can fill you in on the stuff I’ve learned when I get there. It’s too much to get into right now and over the phone.”
“I can’t wait to hear more about it.”
“I’ve told you this before, but I think you’d benefit from therapy, too. You can always talk to me—you know that—but it’s nice to have someone totally unbiased to help you work through shit.”
Going to formal therapy was something I’d always avoided.
“I’ll consider it. I promise.”
“I hope so.”
I changed the subject. “What will you do for work here?”
“Well, the money from the sale of the truck will help. I didn’t just sell the vehicle. It was the name and the business as a whole, the app, everything. That, along with the money from my Range Rover, is enough to keep us on our feet for a couple of years, at least.”
Us.
I’d never been part of an “us” before.
He continued, “I’ll have to figure out a way to start over. Maybe I’ll see if I can operate a truck out there, or maybe I can get a cook position somewhere. I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen in terms of work, but it’s honestly not the most important thing. I need to get out there first before I can even interview. I’ll get something. I don’t really give a fuck what it is as long as we’re together.”
His last line made me tear up.
He could hear my sniffles. “Why are you crying? This is supposed to be good news.”
“I’m just emotional over this and sad at the same time that you had to give up the truck. You worked so hard to grow that business. You’re giving up everything.”
“Don’t you know by now that you are everything?”
Still not feeling worthy of his love, I closed my eyes to cherish those words.
He continued, “I’ve been miserable here the last few weeks, Rana. The things that were important to me before you came into my life are no longer significant. I’d be a fool to let the truck stop me from being there to make love to my woman every night. Fuck the truck. I can open another truck. You’re irreplaceable. You’ve been handling a lot of major shit on your own. And I know now more than ever that you need me there.”
A month later, Landon was set to fly to Detroit in two days.
His bags were packed, and he was staying in a motel by the beach after vacating his apartment.
He called me sounding gutted.
“Landon, what’s wrong?”
“I just came back from the cemetery, visited Beverly for the last time. It was very emotional, knowing that I’m not gonna be nearby anymore. It kind of felt like I was deserting her.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I knew this would be hard.”
“It won’t be the last time. We’ll go back and visit her.”
“I know we will. I’m looking forward to our trips back out here, actually.”
“What can I do to make you feel better?”
“Tell me something funny.”
He was putting me on the spot, and I felt a tremendous responsibility to brighten his spirits, especially after what he just told me. Unfortunately, the story I was about to tell was all too true.
“So, I wanted to surprise you with something when you got here. I figured what better thing to take your mind off leaving California than a freshly bare girlfriend…so I went for a Brazilian bikini wax.”
“Are you shitting me? That’s amazingly hot. You’re bare right now?”
“Not exactly.”
“What happened?”
“The woman got called away for an emergency in the middle of my appointment, so it sort of looks like my hoo-ha has a Mohawk.”
My ear filled with the sound of Landon’s laughter.
Success.
“What the fuck?”
“It’s not pretty.”
“There’s nothing about that pussy that’s not pretty. Leave it. I want to see it. Then, I’ll shave the rest.”
“I’m getting my very own personal groomer, too?”
“Among other things. Sex slave, housekeeper, bodyguard. I’m gonna have the time for a while to be whatever you want, baby.”
“Are you at the beach right now?”
“Yeah.”
“I can hear the water. It makes me sad that you won’t be able to fall asleep anymore to the magnificent sounds of the ocean.”
“I’ll be listening to you breathe and smelling your hair. I think that’s pretty damn magnificent, if you ask me. Anyway, you still have the ocean sounds machine I got you, right? We can listen to that together.”
“I do.” I smiled. “I can’t wait for you to get here, Landon.”
“I’m coming home, Banana.”
SASSYPANTS
The morning after he arrived, Landon’s bags weren’t even unpacked when he suddenly put his coffee down and walked over to where I was standing by the sink.
“You said you’re going to see her today, right?”
“Lilith? Yes.”
“I want to meet her.”
Surprised by the sudden request, I said, “Like…today?”
“Yes. I need to see her. I want to go with you.”
I swallowed. “Okay.”
Later that day, my heart felt heavy as we drove to Lilith’s house in Landon’s father’s car. He’d borrowed it until he was able to go out and purchase a vehicle, which he planned to do later this week.
It was my normal day of the week to see Lilith, so the only thing out of the ordinary was that Landon was accompanying me.
His nerves were evident. It reminded me a lot of the ride we’d taken home from the restaurant in L.A., the night he confessed his sordid past to me. He was completely having a silent conversation with himself. Even though I wished he were talking about his feelings in that moment, I knew that he needed the quiet time to process his own thoughts and gear up to see my child for the first time.
As
nervous as I was for him to meet Lilith, the pure relief I was feeling from having finally told him balanced everything out. It made me realize just how much my harboring that secret had been eating away at me.
When we pulled up, Lilith was already waiting for us out front. Her hair was getting longer; it was almost down to her butt, and I suspected she was growing it out to match mine.
I’d given her a heads up over the phone that she was going to meet Landon. I didn’t think she would have appreciated me surprising her. She liked to be prepared for things, especially if she deemed them important. I knew she’d been dying to meet him. Her curiosity about him was actually quite adorable.
From the moment he put the car in park, Landon’s eyes were glued to her. We both got out and approached the front steps leading up to the farmer’s porch where she was waiting. I smiled to myself, noticing she was more dressed-up than usual. Landon wasn’t the only one thinking about making a good impression, apparently.
As we got closer to her, the expression on Landon’s face became one of wonder. I knew exactly what he must have been thinking. She looked exactly like me—well, the old me. The main difference was that her hair was lighter and longer than mine was back then. But her face was identical to young Rana.
Lilith tapped her foot against the wood. “Well, well, well, California boy finally got on a plane to see us.”
Landon was getting his first taste of Lilith’s spunky personality.
“Well, well, well, I didn’t realize I had a little sassypants waiting for me. I would’ve done it a lot sooner.” He held his hand out to her. “I’m Landon.”
“Really? I kind of already know your name.” She smacked him five instead of shaking his hand. “Rana only talks about you all the time. She laughs a lot when she thinks about you, too. I guess she thinks you’re funny or something.”
“Is that so?” He paused and was smiling while taking in her face.