First published in Great Britain in 2015 by Simon & Schuster UK Ltd
1st Floor, 222 Gray’s Inn Road, London, WC1X 8HB
A CBS company
Originally published by Gallery Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, New York
Copyright © 2015 by My People Entertainment, Inc.
The right of My People Entertainment, Inc. to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.
Manufactured in Italy
A CIP catalogue for this book is available from the British Library
Interior design by Jane Archer (www.psbella.com)
ISBN 978-1-4711-4513-1
ISBN 978-1-4711-4590-2 (limited signed edition)
ISBN 978-1-4711-4514-8 (ebook)
NOTE TO READERS: Some names and identifying details have been changed.
For my people.
contents
Introduction
Mathew
March 22
Dial-up Delight
Fecal Matters
Ladies’ Man
Binge
Anything for a Dollar
Disney Princes
Brace Yourself
The T-Mobile Incident
All the World’s a Stage
The Gay Chapter
High School Camp Counselor
Editor in Grief
Thtory of My Life
The One That Got Away
Unnecessary Holiday Traditions
Crash Course
A Love Lesson
Beyoncé for the Day
Holy Matriphony
If You Can’t Beet ’Em
Mood Killer
The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far
Dream Job
One Direction
What Michelle Obama Smells Like
How Fitting
Ten Cummandments
Hopeless Toemantic
Unhappiest Birthday
Melancholy Fantasies
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
Photo Credits
introduction
GO AHEAD, BINGE.
I’m not saying go out and snort a bunch of cocaine or do anything that’s going to seriously put you or the people around you in danger, obviously.
Binge on the things that bring fulfillment and happiness and satisfaction and make you feel alive. Binge on people who fascinate you and love that wakes you up from monotony. Binge on exploring, both your hometown and the farthest continent. Binge on the time you spend bettering yourself and petting dogs. Binge on picking your grandma’s brain and learning the story of the time she got catfished. Binge on giving, in all senses. Binge on indulging.
We’re told every day from an early age that moderation is key. Count your calories, wait a while before you tell someone you love them, and remember that balance is the path to happiness. While all of those are great in theory, does a lesson taught from someone else’s mistakes resonate just as deeply as the ones you learn yourself? When you binge, you find your own boundaries.
Even if I spend every waking moment attempting to keep my life in balance, I’m going to fuck up. Having already fucked up quite a few times in my life, and having lived to tell the tale, I don’t regret any of it.
I’ve binged plenty of times in my life, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Regardless, I indulged. This collection is the result.
mathew
TYLER OAKLEY ISN’T MY REAL NAME. Ahh! See? This book is full of surprises! Right off the bat, bam! You’ve got an exclusive! Truth be told, my real name is Mathew Tyler Oakley, but it feels like I’ve always gone by Tyler. Back in kindergarten, another Mathew was in my class, and that simply would not do. I was not there to leave it up to my classmates to label the two Mathews with adjectives—because Lord knows I would have been “chubby Mathew,” which was not the branding I was going for at age five (or ever).
So, I came home one day and told my parents that I’d be going by Tyler. I needed to be one of a kind at school if I wanted to make any impression. I mean, imagine two celebrities sharing a name! How confusing and ridiculous would that be? Well, just look at Michelle Williams. No, not the one who was in Brokeback Mountain or Blue Valentine or My Week with Marilyn . . . the one who used to be in Destiny’s Child with Beyoncé. See?! This kind of confusion was not something I wanted to deal with down the line.
So here I am, as what has almost become two separate people, Mathew Tyler Oakley and Tyler Oakley. As time has gone on, Mathew has become my more private identity—someone who I very much protect. Tyler is who I generously offer, at school, in life, and on YouTube. Mathew is what my parents and siblings call me, and the name I sign my binding contracts with, and Tyler is who makes embarrassing challenge videos and meets guys on Grindr. I’ve always been both, and to some people I’m more one than the other.
And now you know. But for me to give you Mathew right off the bat . . . that’s me trusting you. It’s me saying hi, welcome to my life, not everything is pretty or perfect or edited with jump cuts. That’s Tyler. You know Tyler. It’s time for me to tell you all of Mathew’s stories.
But still call me Tyler because, honestly, do I even look like a Mathew at this point? Yeah, no.
march 22
THOUGH I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF IT, I think I can safely assume my first birthday was spectacular. I probably ate the fuck out of some cake, and I probably shit my pants. I assume that I’ll be spending my very last birthday the exact same way, not to mention a few in between if things go unexpectedly well.
Having birthday parties has always been an inexhaustible source of stress for me. What happens if you plan an extravagant celebration for yourself and no one shows up? Or what if someone plans a surprise party for you? Like, what if you’re rushing home to shit explosively, you burst through the front door, and—Surprise!—in more ways than one? My mom often recounted the story of her own worst birthday—a surprise party her best friend attempted to throw for her, which nobody attended except the two of them. The horror of that story stuck with me, and each March 22, I take a firm stance against expectations.
Then there’s the issue of attending other people’s birthday parties. I once attended a birthday-party horror story like my mom’s. Karen was in the grade above me; she was a bit of a loner who lacked social skills, and she had a severe crush on me. Although I obviously didn’t reciprocate the feelings (because of the gay), I attended her party with my (hot, straight) best friend, Dolan. Her dad welcomed us into their home and directed us downstairs, and as we descended into her basement, we found her alone, pacing. We made some small talk, but soon realized you can’t mingle if you’re the only ones at the party. How were we going to escape?
My typical go-to move while attending any social function is what I’ve heard referred to as the Irish exit—where you slip out of the party, unnoticed, without saying good-bye to anyone. Good-byes are messy and an unnecessary disruption to the flow of an event, and honestly, what if you don’t want to hug certain people? If I could Irish-exit out of every life situation, I would. Meetings, funerals, sexual encounters—that’s my preference. Unfortunately, there would be no Irish exits out of this particular soiree.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get more uncomfortable, the birthday girl suggested a game of Twister. I glanced at Dolan and realized things were about to get delightfully homoerotic. Karen spun the dial of the Twister board and watched as Dolan and I stretched and rubbed against each other. It seemed a bit voyeuristic for her, and the homosexual undertones far outweighed the awkward silences between each spin (at least for me). In what I’d later describe as my f
avorite moment of the evening, Dolan collapsed on me, and before any other games could be suggested, Karen’s mom invited us upstairs for cake. As Dolan and I decided it might be time to call it a night (at 4:00 p.m.), Karen’s dad offered to show us his VHS collection “real quick.” A thirty-minute tour through his wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling VHS tape collection followed. It felt like an episode of Hoarders come to life, but unfortunately no piles of garbage collapsed on me to put me out of my misery.
Maybe even worse for me than not having anyone show up to a birthday party is receiving a birthday gift I don’t like. I realize all gifts deserve gratitude, but as someone who generally doesn’t need much, I’ve developed a fair amount of stress over opening presents in front of people. This is quite possibly the grossest first-world problem in history, but don’t act like you haven’t been there. I’d always suggest to my parents that I open my presents in the privacy of my own room, but they would have none of that. This resulted in a lot of overselling on my part. I’ve always wanted a novelty oversize TV remote from the dollar store! Thank you, you really get me!
For my tenth birthday, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Coincidentally, this was the year that I decided that it was finally time to become cool. I did a bit of research on the playground to figure out what all my hip peers were into, and I found that, overwhelmingly, everyone loved yo-yos. After handing out my birthday invitations to every boy in my class, I discreetly let it be known that if anyone was in need of a gift idea, I was in the market for a new yo-yo. On the day of my party, all thirteen boys showed up with gift bags about the same weight and size, overflowing with tissue paper, and I knew I was poised to be the next “coolest kid in school.” As I opened the bags, I feigned surprise at each and every yo-yo, but my mom was far from convinced.
“You don’t even know how to use a yo-yo!” My mom, Jackie, exclaimed while cutting the cake, exposing me as a fraud in front of all of my fifth-grade friends. “You surely don’t need thirteen of them!” she continued, handing out paper plates of cake and melting ice cream. I had just gone from yo-yo prodigy, connoisseur, and collector to yo-yo pretender whose mother didn’t allow coolness. The next day, she made me return each and every yo-yo to the kiosk in the mall. A greedy ascent followed by an unspooling free fall; like the yoyo itself, so went my social status.
Next, there’s the trouble of wanting to get invited to certain birthday parties, but not being cool enough to be considered. In elementary school, I was awkward and a loser, and when I got an invite to Andrew McGonigle’s ninth birthday party, I was beside myself. As far as I was concerned—and I very much was—Andrew was the most popular kid and biggest trendsetter at Dibble Elementary School. He once checked out The Giving Tree from the school’s library, and the next thing you know, every Shel Silverstein book was on the school’s waiting list. He decided Backstreet Boys were better than *NSYNC, and all the girls and the gays threw away their Lance Bass dolls. (Sorry, Lance). He single-handedly made WWJD bracelets a fashion staple. But never mind Jesus: Dibble Elementary had to know, WWAMD? No matter what his choices were, the entire school trusted his judgment and taste. This was someone I spent years trying to impress. Getting an invite to his birthday? Looks like I had finally done something right!
Andrew’s birthday invite said to bring a winter coat, as we’d be riding his four-wheelers (so butch—I was in love) around his backyard. Knowing how safety-conscious my parents were, I tried everything to distract them from reading the invitation’s fine print, to no avail. They called ahead to let Mrs. McGonigle know that during the four-wheeling portion of the party, I was to wait inside like a sickly child on a snow day. So, while the cool kids took turns spinning out in Andrew’s muddy backyard, I watched from the kitchen window, forlorn. It was the last time I was invited to one of Andrew McGonigle’s birthday parties.
In fifth grade, a kid in my class named Donny had a birthday approaching. Oh, and he was a Wiccan, did I mention that? The guest list was exclusive, as he was planning a movie theater excursion, and a limited number of tickets had already been purchased. During the weeks leading up to his birthday, Donny became drunk with power. For the smallest infractions, he breezily disinvited guests and redistributed their tickets accordingly. I was already terrified to cross him, fearing a Wiccan hex or curse. Now, with the added threat of being exiled from free popcorn and the new Disney film, Dinosaur, it was like I was walking on eggshells. When we played four square during recess, I’d lightly lob the ball in his direction. I’d share all my Warheads candy with him. I even started to hide my Andrew McGonigle–inspired WWJD bracelet around him, just in case our conflicting faiths would set him off. After those two weeks of treading delicately, I made the final cut and was able to attend. Unfortunately, Dinosaur sucked, which Donny’s clairvoyance spells hadn’t foreseen. That day, I decided that going forward, no birthday party is worth that level of stress just to get an invite.
While I was growing up, the most frightening birthday parties were the ones hosted at Chuck E. Cheese. If you’re unfamiliar, Chuck E. Cheese is a fictional, human-size mouse who owns a pizza arcade. Chuck is part of a band called Munch’s Make Believe Band, which performs animatronically at the front of the dining area. The band is what nightmares are made of.
The robotic band jerks to and fro murderously, as they perform deceptively innocent songs akin to Kidz Bop. My mind can’t help but imagine the lights going dim and their nearly depleted batteries producing low, slowed-down, demonic versions of their songs in the dark—an image that terrifies me even to this day. Luckily, nowadays I’m old enough to buy the two beers the restaurant permits each adult to purchase, and my fear of Munch’s Make Believe Band is blunted by alcohol.
In middle school, birthdays became all about party games, or, should I say, game: spin the bottle. Even though I had a few girlfriends throughout my middle-school years, I was far from wanting to make out with them, and if I ever did, it was with boys in mind. At parties, we’d assemble ourselves in a circle in whoever’s basement and awkwardly take turns spinning an empty Aquafina bottle, then slowly leaning forward to peck each other on the lips. I was alive with the possibility of the bottle’s landing on another guy. To this day, I can’t drink from a bottle without the impulse to leverage it into making out with strangers. Maybe at my next birthday. Zayn Malik, Zac Efron, Nick Jonas, Darren Criss . . . save the date, you’re all invited.
Since 2008, my birthday has coincided with Playlist Live, a Florida-based convention with thousands of screaming tweens hoping to meet their favorite YouTubers. I didn’t have much of an audience when I first started to attend conventions, so the occasional “Happy birthday!” as I wandered through the convention center was a nice surprise.
My channel grew a bit more every year, as did the opportunities offered to me during conventions. From getting a chance to speak on panels and being interviewed onstage to receiving an invite as a guest, I felt like I was actually becoming a YouTuber. Every year, more and more people began to come up to me to wish me a happy birthday. At Disneyland, there’s a pin you can wear on your birthday, and if any cast members see you wearing it, they have to go out of their way to wish you a happy birthday. That’s what Playlist Live began to feel like, but without a hot Aladdin being required by company policy to chat me up.
My birthdays at YouTube conventions gave me so many first encounters with creators I respect so much: Zoe Sugg, Hannah Hart, Grace Helbig, GloZell, Mamrie Hart, and Troye Sivan, to name just a few. These were by far the best gifts I could ever have asked for.
This year, with Playlist Live happening a month early, my birthday weekend was free, and I had two options: fear the possibility of what could go wrong and just not celebrate, or take a chance and live it up. So I rented out a roller rink, bought out an entire wig store, and threw the biggest drunk, roller-skating, wig birthday extravaganza the world has ever seen. The older I get, the more I realize what a gift a true friend is. Especially since my mom can’t make me return t
hose.
dial-up delight
MY CARNAL THIRST HAS ALWAYS BEEN unquenchable, but when I was growing up, it was out of control—and with no cute boys ready and willing at my disposal, I turned to man’s other best friend: porn.
I vividly remember my first glimpse of adult content. I was in my single digits, at my Grandma Oakley’s place—a shabby trailer home occupied by my grandma, my uncle, my older cousin, and their dog, Peanut. My cousin was in either a goth or a Juggalo phase; my uncle had a mustache and often asked family members to pull his finger whenever he had to fart; Peanut was a balding poodle; and my grandma spent all day on her new computer sending e-cards to distant relatives. You can’t pick your family—but if I could, I’d still pick this motley crew.
The day I saw the first erect penis that wasn’t attached to me, I was wasting time playing Battletoads on Nintendo with my cousin. In between levels, he looked at me and asked the question that turns every boy into a man: “Wanna see some boobs?” My time had come.
He closed the doorway beads that separated his carpeted room from the linoleum kitchen, to give us a little more privacy. Quietly, he fished out a magazine from the laundry basket. Sitting on the edge of his bed, we opened up this holy scripture, and I sat in awe. In between pages of articles and advertisements, I saw it all—big-breasted women in lace outfits, spread-eagled and grinning. We flipped through the pages in silence until one particular picture, small and in the corner, caught my eye.
There she was, a literal goddess—naked, poised, and perfect. The picture was taken from above, she was on her back, just her face showing, making smoldering eye contact with the camera. Her entire aura communicated one clear and unified message to eight-year-old Tyler Oakley: envy me, you closeted, little gay boy languishing in small-town Michigan—for I have everything you could ever desire.
It was undeniably true, she had it all. I most admired this woman not due to her flawless complexion or flowing hair, though both looked amazing—but because she had literally a dozen dicks coming at her from every angle. It was as though she were beset by a school of inquisitive lampreys. (Google it, I once had to dissect one.) If that’s too horrifying, you could imagine she was the baby sun in Teletubbies, but her normally luminous rays were now engorged and veiny. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t normally measure a woman’s worth by the number of erections currently on her face. That said, I can’t pretend I wasn’t jealous.