BILL NYE
A FATAL THIRST
From the London _Lancet_ we learn that "many years ago a case wasrecorded by Doctor Otto, of Copenhagen, in which 495 needles passedthrough the skin of a hysterical girl, who had probably swallowed themduring a hysterical paroxysm, but these all emerged from the regionsbelow the diaphragm, and were collected in groups, which gave riseto inflammatory swellings of some size. One of these contained 100needles. Quite recently Doctor Bigger described before the Society ofSurgery of Dublin a case in which more than 300 needles were removedfrom the body of a woman. It is very remarkable in how few cases theneedles were the cause of death, and how slight an interference withfunction their presence and movement cause."
It would seem, from the cases on record, that needles in the systemrather assist in the digestion and promote longevity.
For instance, we will suppose that the hysterical girl above alludedto, with 495 needles in her stomach, should absorb the midsummercucumber. Think how interesting those needles would make it for thegreat colic promoter!
We can imagine the cheerful smile of the cucumber as it enters thestomach, and, bowing cheerfully to the follicles standing around, hangsits hat upon the walls of the stomach, stands its umbrella in a corner,and proceeds to get in its work.
All at once the cucumber looks surprised and grieved about something.It stops in its heaven-born colic generation, and pulls a rusty needleout of its person. Maddened by the pain, it once more attacks thedigestive apparatus, and once more accumulates a choice job lot ofneedles.
Again and again it enters into the unequal contest, each time losingground and gaining ground, till the poor cucumber, with assortedhardware sticking out in all directions, like the hair on a cat's tail,at last curls up like a caterpillar and yields up the victory.
Still, this needle business will be expensive to husbands, if wivesonce acquire the habit and allow it to obtain the mastery over them.
If a wife once permits this demon appetite for cambric needles to getcontrol of the house, it will soon secure a majority in the senate, andthen there will be trouble.
The woman who once begins to tamper with cambric needles is not safe.She may think that she has power to control her appetite, but it isonly a step to the maddening thirst for the darning-needle, and perhapsto the button-hook and carpet-stretcher.
It is safer and better to crush the first desire for needles than toundertake when it is too late reformation from the abject slavery tothis hellish thirst.
We once knew a sweet young creature, with dewy eye and breath liketimothy hay. Her merry laugh rippled out upon the summer air like thejoyful music of baldheaded bobolinks.
Everybody loved her, and she loved everybody too. But in a thoughtlessmoment she swallowed a cambric needle. This did not satisfy her. Thecruel thraldom had begun. Whenever she felt depressed and gloomy, therewas nothing that would kill her ennui and melancholy but the fatalneedle-cushion.
From this she rapidly became more reckless, till there was hardly anhour that she was not under the influence of needles.
If she couldn't get needles to assuage her mad thirst, she would takehairpins or door-keys. She gradually pined away to a mere skeleton. Shecould no longer sit on one foot and be happy.
Life for her was filled with opaque gloom and sadness. At last she tookan overdose of sheep-shears and monkey-wrenches one day, and on thefollowing morning her soul had lit out for the land of eternal summer.
We should learn from this to shun the maddening needle-cushion as wewould a viper, and never tell a lie.
GEORGE W. PECK
PECK'S BAD BOY
"Say, are you a Mason, or a Nodfellow, or anything?" asked the bad boyof the grocery man, as he went to the cinnamon bag on the shelf andtook out a long stick of cinnamon bark to chew.
"Why, yes, of course I am; but what set you to thinking of that?" askedthe grocery man, as he went to the desk and charged the boy's fatherwith a half-pound of cinnamon.
"Well, do the goats bunt when you nishiate a fresh candidate?"
"No, of course not. The goats are cheap ones, that have no life, andwe muzzle them, and put pillows over their heads so they can't hurtanybody," said the grocery man, as he winked at a brother Oddfellow whowas seated on a sugar barrel, looking mysterious. "But why do you ask?"
"Oh, nothin', only I wish me and my chum had muzzled our goat witha pillow. Pa would have enjoyed his becoming a member of our lodgebetter. You see, Pa had been telling us how much good the Masons andOddfellers did, and said we ought to try and grow up good so we couldjine the lodges when we got big; and I asked Pa if it would do anyhurt for us to have a play lodge in my room, and purtend to nishiate,and Pa said it wouldn't do any hurt. He said it would improve our mindsand learn us to be men. So my chum and me borried a goat that lives ina livery stable. Say, did you know they keep a goat in a livery stableso the horses won't get sick? They get used to the smell of the goat,and after that nothing can make them sick but a glue factory. You see,my chum and me had to carry the goat up to my room when Ma and Pa wasout riding, and he blatted so we had to tie a handkerchief around hisnose, and his feet made such a noise on the floor that we put somebaby's socks on his hoofs.
"Well, my chum and me practised with that goat until he could bunt thepicture of a goat every time. We borried a bock-beer sign from a saloonman and hung it on the back of a chair, and the goat would hit it everytime. That night Pa wanted to know what we were doing up in my room,and I told him we were playing lodge, and improving our minds; and Pasaid that was right, there was nothing that did boys of our age half somuch good as to imitate men, and store by useful nollidge. Then my chumasked Pa if he didn't want to come up and take the grand bumper degree,and Pa laffed and said he didn't care if he did, just to encourageus boys in innocent pastime that was so improving to our intellex.We had shut the goat up in a closet in my room, and he had got overblatting; so we took off the handkerchief and he was eating some of mypaper collars and skate straps. We went upstairs and told Pa to comeup pretty soon and give three distinct raps, and when we asked him whocomes there he must say, 'A pilgrim, who wants to join your ancientorder and ride the goat.' Ma wanted to come up, too, but we told herif she come in it would break up the lodge, 'cause a woman couldn'tkeep a secret, and we didn't have any side-saddle for the goat. Say, ifyou never tried it, the next time you nishiate a man in your Mason'slodge you sprinkle a little kyan pepper on the goat's beard just beforeyou turn him loose. You can get three times as much fun to the squareinch of goat. You wouldn't think it was the same goat. Well, we gotall fixed, and Pa rapped, and we let him in and told him he must beblindfolded, and he got on his knees a-laffing, and I tied a towelaround his eyes, and then I turned him around and made him get down onhis hands also, and then his back was right toward the closet sign, andI put the bock-beer sign right against Pa's clothes. He was a-laffingall the time, and said we boys were as full of fun as they made 'em,and we told him it was a solemn occasion, and we wouldn't permit nolevity, and if he didn't stop laffing we couldn't give him the grandbumper degree. Then everything was ready, and my chum had his hand onthe closet door, and some kyan pepper in his other hand, and I askedPa in low bass tones if he felt as though he wanted to turn back, or ifhe had nerve enough to go ahead and take the degree. I warned him thatit was full of dangers, as the goat was loaded for bear, and told himhe yet had time to retrace his steps if he wanted to. He said he wantedthe whole bizness, and we could go ahead with the menagerie. Then Isaid to Pa that if he had decided to go ahead, and not blame us for theconsequences, to repeat after me the following, 'Bring forth the RoyalBumper and let him Bump.'
"Pa repeated the words, and my chum sprinkled the kyan pepper on thegoat's mustache, and he sneezed once and looked sassy, and then hesee the lager-beer goat rearing up, and he started for it just like acrow-catcher, and blatted. Pa is real fat, but he knew he got hit, andhe grunted and said, 'What you boys doin'?' and then the goat gave himanother degree, and Pa pulled off the towel and go
t up and started forthe stairs, and so did the goat; and Ma was at the bottom of the stairslistening, and when I looked over the banisters Pa and Ma and the goatwere all in a heap, and Pa was yelling murder, and Ma was screamingfire, and the goat was blatting, and sneezing, and bunting, and thehired girl came into the hall and the goat took after her, and shecrossed herself just as the goat struck her and said, 'Howly mother,protect me!' and went downstairs the way we boys slide down hill,with both hands on herself, and the goat reared up and blatted, and Paand Ma went into their room and shut the door, and then my chum and meopened the front door and drove the goat out. The minister, who comesto see Ma every three times a week, was just ringing the bell, andthe goat thought he wanted to be nishiated, too, and gave him one forluck, and then went down the sidewalk, blatting, and sneezing, and theminister came in the parlor and said he was stabbed, and then Pa cameout of his room with his suspenders hanging down, and he didn't knowthe minister was there, and he said cuss words, and Ma cried and toldPa he would go to the bad place sure, and Pa said he didn't care, hewould kill that kussid goat afore he went, and I told Pa the ministerwas in the parlor, and he and Ma went down and said the weather waspropitious for a revival, and it seemed as though an outpouring of thespirit was about to be vouchsafed, and none of them sot down but Ma,cause the goat didn't hit her, and while they were talking relidginwith their mouths, and kussin' the goat inwardly, my chum and meadjourned the lodge, and I went and stayed with him all night, and Ihaven't been home since. But I don't believe Pa will lick me, 'cause hesaid he would not hold us responsible for the consequences. He orderedthe goat hisself, and we filled the order, don't you see? Well, I guessI will go and sneak in the back way, and find out from the hired girlhow the land lays. She won't go back on me, 'cause the goat was notloaded for hired girls. She just happened to get in at the wrong time.Good-by, sir. Remember and give your goat kyan pepper in your lodge."
* * * * *
The average American at home or abroad does not take kindly to anythingthat would seem to cast the shadow of a shade upon his native land.A story told one evening at the Richmond Avenue Methodist EpiscopalChurch by the Rev. George W. Peck might be cited in illustration. AnEnglishman was traveling through Italy with an American friend, andin the course of their sojournings each maintained the superiorityof his own country. Finally, the grand spectacle of Mount Vesuviusin eruption, throwing its brilliant rays across the Bay of Naples,burst upon their astonished gaze. "Now, look at that," chuckled theEnglishman; "you haven't got anything in America that can come anywherenear that." "No," moodily replied the Yankee. "It is true we have notgot a Vesuvius, but we have got a waterfall that could put that thingout in less than five minutes."
* * * * *
An Illinois paper has the following: "The funeral services of the lateWilliam P. Lewis were somewhat hurried to enable his estimable andgrief-stricken widow to catch the two o'clock train for Chicago, whereshe goes to visit friends."
* * * * *
"Fellow-citizens," said the candidate, "I have fought against theIndians. I have often had no bed but the battle-field, and no canopybut the sky. I have marched over the frozen ground till every step hasbeen marked with blood."
His story told well, till a dried-up looking voter came to the front.
"Did yer say yer'd fought for the Union?"
"Yes," replied the candidate.
"And agin the Indians?"
"Yes, many a time."
"And that you had slept on the ground with only the sky for a kiver?"
"Certainly."
"And that your feet bled in marching over the frozen ground?"
"That they did," cried the exultant candidate.
"Then I'll be darned if you hain't done enough for your country. Gohome and rest. I'll vote for the other fellow."
* * * * *
Mrs. L---- had often told Mamie, her four-year-old daughter, that shewas never alone, because God was always with her. One day Mrs. L----was called from the room and left Mamie for a longer time than sheexpected. When she came back she said pityingly: "Why, Mamie, have youbeen here alone all the time? I thought some one would come in." "Oh, Ihaven't been alone, mamma," Mamie answered, "because God has been withme; but," she added, gravely, "he's _dretful_ poor company."
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