“Jesus Christ, Hope. Of course I would have been happy.” The sound of his voice breaking destroys me. “I would have wanted our baby, Hope. Don’t ever doubt that.”
I’m not sure what the right words are to tell Hope how much I love her and none of this is her fault. A part of me is crushed she doesn’t realize how much she means to me. I don’t want to make what she’s feeling seem insignificant. In a way, I’ve had longer to process the loss. When they told me in the hospital the baby couldn’t have ever survived, I put it out of my head and focused all my energy on my girl surviving.
Now her questions bring me right back to that place. Another person to be responsible for. To protect and take care of. Christ, could I handle a daughter who ended up being a smart mouth like her mom? I sort of half chuckle at the thought, and Hope peers up at me with wide, wet eyes.
I press a kiss to her forehead. “I want you to rest and heal. When we’re ready, we’ll figure it out, baby doll.”
“Thank you,” she whispers.
“I’m here. Whatever you need.”
I don’t think she hears me, though, as she seems to have drifted back to sleep. It’s a fight not to wake her up, because I’m worried she hasn’t eaten yet. But at least she doesn’t seem to be in any physical pain.
Time passes, and I just listen to her breathe, thankful she’s in my arms. After a while, she shifts and whimpers. More movement and she drops out of my hold and rolls over on her side. Settling the covers over us, I carefully pull her against my chest and doze with her.
“Rock,” she whispers, startling me out of sleep.
“Yeah, baby,” I rasp out.
“I hurt.”
Instantly, I’m awake. “What’s wrong?”
“I think I just need the pain meds. I feel shaky too.”
Fuck, she hasn’t eaten all damn day. What the fuck was I thinkin’?
“You gotta eat something, baby.”
“Okay,” she answers softly.
“I’ll be right back.”
Fuckin’ pissed with myself, I struggle not to slam shit around in the kitchen. I don’t want her any more upset. Toast. That’s what she said she wanted before. I get that and her pills together, then grab a yogurt from the fridge and a bottle of water. I don’t keep shit like trays in my house, so I stick the water in my pocket, grab a spoon out of one of the drawers, and head back upstairs.
“Babe?” I call out when I step into the bedroom and find the bed empty.
“In here.”
The bathroom door opens, and I’m not liking how pale she looks at all.
“Come on, back in bed,” I order as I set everything on the nightstand next to her.
She sits back and quietly munches on her toast, then spoons down half her yogurt before swallowing down her medication.
“Good girl,” I tell her as she hands the bottle of water back to me.
I get a narrow-eyed expression in response that makes my heart jump because it means she’s feelin’ more like herself.
“Better?”
She places a hand on her belly, then winces. “Yeah, I guess. I need to take a shower, though. I feel disgusting.”
“Later.”
“Okay.” She closes her eyes and rests against the headboard.
“You want to go back to sleep?”
“No,” she answers without opening her eyes. But after a while, she drifts back to sleep. I try to settle her so she’s more comfortable, then run downstairs to check the instructions the hospital gave us, afraid I missed something.
The slam of a car door outside pulls me out of my reading. A few seconds later, someone raps on the back door before opening.
“Hey,” Z calls out.
“Come on in. Just keep it down. She’s sleeping.”
“Sure.”
Wrath and Trinity follow in behind him. I raise an eyebrow at the trio. “What’s up?”
“Nothing. Wanted to see if you needed anything,” Wrath answers.
Trinity sets a couple bags on the table. “I brought some of her stuff that was in your room and a few books for her.”
“Thanks, Trin. Appreciate it.”
“You got enough food and stuff?” Z asks.
The corner of my mouth turns up at his concern. “Yeah, we’re good. I need a few days. You guys can handle things?”
“Of course,” Wrath answers.
Z glances at Trinity. “We just gotta figure out that thing by the weekend.”
Trinity gets all twitchy. “I can go wait—”
Wrath puts his arm out to stop her.
“It’s fine,” I tell her.
Turning to Z, I address his concern. “I’ll be there for church. We’ll get it sorted out.”
Wrath snakes his arm around Trinity’s shoulders. “We’ll get going.”
“Tell Hope to call me,” Trinity offers. “You know, if she wants to—”
“I will, hon, thanks.”
After they leave, I lock up and shut everything off, then head upstairs.
Hope’s still sound asleep. When I slide into bed, she turns and curls herself against me.
“I’m here, doll,” I whisper against the top of her head.
The next day I feel a little more normal. Around noon, I decide to venture downstairs. Rock’s been working out in the garage since early this morning, and since he’s been taking such good care of me, I want to return the favor.
I jump at the thud of footsteps behind me. My back faces the doorway, but before I can turn to greet Rock, he places both hands on the counter next to me, locking me in place. His head lowers so our cheeks are touching, and my eyes close. Carefully, he eases the knife out of my hand, setting it down.
“You’re supposed to be resting.” His voice is low, vibrating against my ear, stealing my voice.
I can’t respond because he pushes my hair aside, exposing my neck, and nuzzles my ear, placing soft kisses below it all the way to my shoulder.
“How’s my girl?”
His warm lips meet my thundering pulse, so all I’m able to say is a breathless, “Okay.”
My head drops back against his chest as I continue to breathe him in. “I wanted to make you lunch.”
He doesn’t answer because he’s still busy assaulting my neck, sending warm tingles scattering over my skin. Arousal tugs at me, so I squirm until I’m facing him, throwing my arms around his neck and holding him close. His warm mouth covers mine. Big hands come up to angle and cup my face. He presses one more kiss to my lips and steps back.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten—”
I try to pull him back, but it’s not easy to move Rock if he doesn’t want to be moved. “I’m fine.” I’m not fine, though. I’m desperate to know he still wants me.
His big hands circle my arms, pulling them off his shoulders until we’re holding hands. “What are you making?”
“Nothing fancy. Sandwiches? I think you’re out of mayo, though.”
He gives my hands a quick squeeze and releases them. “I’ll run down to the store. You need anything else?”
I need a lot of things. None of them will be found in the grocery store.
“Seltzer? Limes?”
He grins. “If you think of anything else, text me.”
“Okay.”
I watch him walk out. Something inside me wants to call him back. I should have offered to go with him or something. Except I’m still in my pajamas.
Rock hasn’t been gone very long when someone pulls into the driveway. A skittering of fear runs through me. But one look out the window, and I break into a smile. Hurrying out to the mudroom, I throw on one of Rock’s sweatshirts and open the back door.
“Hey, Bricks!”
He strolls up the driveway with a smile on his face. I wrap my arms around him for a quick hug and invite him inside.
“Prez here? He said he needed some help today,” he says while jerking his thumb at the garage.
“He ran out to get a few things but should
be back soon.”
He seems uneasy but follows me inside.
“Do you want something to drink?”
“Sure, water’s fine. How are you feeling? We were all so worried about you.”
My cheeks heat up. For some reason, I’m sort of embarrassed that every one of Rock’s brothers knows what happened.
“Better.”
I set his water on the counter as he settles himself on one of the stools.
“Winter and I stopped in to see you, but you were out cold.”
“Oh, geez. I’m sorry.”
He cocks his head at me but doesn’t say anything at first. “You doin’ okay?” he finally asks.
“Tired, but yeah, I’m okay.”
We’re interrupted by Rock returning. His hands are loaded down with bags, and Bricks rushes over to help him, setting everything on the counter.
They go over some stuff, and Rock leads him out to the garage while I work on emptying the bags.
The sweet scent of roses hits my nose, and I turn.
“Rock! What—”
He’s standing there with a big plastic-wrapped bouquet of red roses. An uncertain smile plays over his mouth. “I should have brought you some before this.” He glances down. “They’re just grocery store—”
Plucking the flowers out of his hand, I stick my nose in them and inhale. “They’re lovely,” I murmur.
Rock’s gaze darts around the room. “Shit, you know, I didn’t think about it. I don’t even have a vase.” He turns and takes out a pair of heavy beer mugs.
“I don’t want to ruin your—”
“Hope, it’s fine.”
Leaning over, he presses a kiss to my forehead. “I gotta go get Bricks set up. You okay?”
“Yup. I’ll bring lunch out in a few minutes.”
“Just call me. I’ll come in and take care of it.”
“Okay.”
I set about putting the roses in water, smiling and sniffing them the whole time. Then I finish putting lunch together. But as I step outside with a plate in each hand, white-hot, searing pain slashes through my side, and the plates crash to the pavement.
Rock tears out of the garage. “Hope, what’s wrong?”
“Cramp.” Tears sting my eyes. Besides the pain, I’m so damn embarrassed to be so weak in front of him. “I’m sorry.”
He growls and lifts me up. “Told you to rest, baby doll. Should we go back to the hospital?”
“No. I’ll lie down, take the pain meds, and if I still feel bad, you can take me.”
He stares at my face but nods.
Once I’m settled upstairs, Rock stays with me while I fall asleep.
After that scare, I spend the rest of the day napping. Rock checks in on me frequently.
“Taking some vacation time,” he tells me when I question how he can be away from the club for so long.
“Do bikers get vacation?” I tease.
“This one does,” he answers with a smirk. His thumb caresses my chin. “I do need to be up there this weekend. Think you’ll be ready for a drive Friday?”
“Sure. We can go whenever you want. I’m getting a little claustrophobic.”
He chuckles and shakes his head at me.
The next morning is incident free. I wake up with my roses in my line of vision.
Rock’s pressed tight against my back. “How do you feel?”
“Better. Thanks for bringing those upstairs,” I say, gesturing to the flowers.
“You’re welcome, baby.”
After a quick run to the bathroom, I’m ready to crawl back into bed with my man, but he’s up and getting dressed.
“What are you doing?” I ask, trying to keep the pout out of my voice.
“Taking you to the doc.”
I cross my arms over my chest and glare at him.
“Glare all you want, baby doll. You scared the shit out of me yesterday. I called and they said they’d see you at ten.”
“I feel fine today.”
“Good, then you won’t mind getting your hot little ass dressed and in the car.”
Now what am I supposed to say to that?
“Fine,” I grumble.
“This is a waste of time,” I mutter as Rock holds the hospital door open for me.
“I know. Humor me.”
We wind our way through the massive medical complex until we find my surgeon’s office. The nurse rushes me into an exam room right away. An overwhelming vulnerability steals my breath. After closing my eyes for a second, I stare up at the nurse. “Can you please bring my boyfriend back?”
“Sure, hon.”
Poor Rock is clearly uncomfortable in the tiny exam room, but he squeezes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile when he enters.
If looks could kill, I’d definitely be nursing a gut punch right about now.
Hope’s giving me every pissed-off face she can come up with. Unfortunately for her, I’m not intimidated one bit. They’re cute as fuck.
I’m also trying to ignore the highly personal questions the nurse keeps asking.
Hope’s red in the face and squirming as she answers. “Not much heavier than a regular period. But bad cramping yesterday, even with the painkillers.”
“What about today?”
“No cramps.”
“Bleeding?” the nurse prompts.
“Yes,” Hope grinds out, and if it wasn’t so serious, I’d laugh at how pissed-off embarrassed she is.
“We’ll do a quick test, but I think it’s a good sign that your hCG levels are dropping rapidly.”
“Is the doctor going to see her?” I ask.
Now it’s the nurse’s turn to give me a dirty look. “Yes, he’ll be in after we run the test.”
“This is mortifying,” Hope grumbles after she returns from the bathroom and hands the nurse a sample cup.
My teeth sink into my tongue so I don’t say anything to make it worse for her.
The doctor is a different one than the one who treated Hope. But he’s aware of her case and seems to be thorough.
“You’re doing fine, Ms. Kendall. Incisions look good. HCG is falling. How are you feeling otherwise?”
“Still tired.”
“That’s to be expected.”
Hope flicks her gaze at me. “Still weepy.”
“Also understandable. Anything gets worse or the bleeding persists past, say, another five days, come back in.”
“Okay.”
The doctor shakes my hand on his way out, and I help Hope get dressed.
“Happy now?” she asks.
“Yes, actually. I’m relieved. Aren’t you?”
Oh, I can tell it’s killing her to agree with me, but I try to keep my gloating to a minimum.
“Yes,” she answers.
On the way home, she asks if we can stop for ice cream.
As if I can say no to her.
Coming to the clubhouse was almost worse than staying at Rock’s house. After a few days, I’m dangerously close to strangling someone. After my forced trip to the doctor, we packed up and arrived in the afternoon. Worn out and still in pain, I slept a good portion of the first twenty-four hours away. But I’ve been lucid since.
Rock is driving me nuts.
You’d think the doctor telling us I’m healing and things are fine would alleviate Rock’s concern, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. His constant hovering stopped being sweet yesterday. If I want to go downstairs, he insists on carrying me. If I need something, he jumps up to get it.
I had to draw the line at him following me into the bathroom.
Trinity giggles at my frustration. She’s never seen Rock act this way and finds it adorable.
Okay, I kind of do, too.
I still want to throttle him.
Just a teeny-tiny bit.
At least with him constantly buzzing around me, I don’t have time to dwell on all the dark thoughts that followed me home from the hospital.
So when he returns to our room af
ter a club meeting, looking uncertain, raking his fingers through his hair, Trinity escapes with a brief wave. Whether her hasty departure is from Rock’s serious expression or because she knows Wrath is free and waiting for her downstairs, I don’t know.
“How do you feel, baby doll?”
I grit my teeth. He asks me this about five hundred times a day.
“Fine,” I answer because I know he’s just worried about me.
He leans over to kiss my forehead, and I inhale his wonderful scent. Leather, musk, man. My tummy flips. I tip my head up for a real kiss but only get a peck.
Sitting next to me on the bed, he takes my hand. “Baby doll, I have to go on a run. You know I would never leave you after… if it wasn’t important. It’s been scheduled for a bit now. Wrath was supposed to do it, but he can’t. Murph and Z will be going with me.”
Yippie! Oh, I mean, “Okay. Where?”
“You’re not upset? After everything that happened, I should really be here with you. I feel like shit for taking off already.”
I wipe the eager look off my face and smooth on something a little more concerned. “Of course I’m not happy about it. But I understand. Club business?”
“Yeah.”
“How long?”
“Should take a week.”
Okay, that’s a little long. Since I can already sense how torn he is, I don’t want to make things harder on him. “I know you wouldn’t go if you didn’t have to. You’ve taken such good care of me, Rock. I’ll be fine.”
“You’ll stay up here while I’m gone?”
Although he phrases it as a question, I don’t think it’s up for debate. “Of course.”
He nods once. “Good. Wrath and Trinity will be here to look after you if you need anything.”
I quirk an eyebrow at that, and he smirks in return.
With the backs of his fingers, he sweeps aside my bangs. Running his hand down the side of my face, he cups my cheek. “You’re so beautiful.”
My cheeks heat up under his intensity. I point to my belly, which has yet to fully deflate from the surgery.
“Hopefully this will be gone when you get back.”
One corner of his mouth kicks up. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Yeah, right.