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He leaned forward and took Nicky’s unresisting hand in his, rubbing his thumb along the back of Nicky’s hand. “I’m trying to give you a choice. I think I’ve seen some true submission in you, but only you know what you really want—what you need to make you happy. I want you to think this over very carefully. Be sure. Ian and the others are urging me to wait and see if my memory comes back, but I know my own mind. If I didn’t push the submission issue before, then it had to be because of the blood match. The blood match blinds us to anything except being with our mate. Usually the match is a good one and pairs us with a mate who is perfect for us. I think, in our case, the match could have been a mistake. ”
Nicky shut his eyes, feeling the words hit him like poison darts, each one hurtful and potentially even killing. He shook his head, unable to say a word.
“Nicky, please understand,” Marco said. “I must have been afraid to lose you before, and to tell you the truth, the idea is still hateful to me. I want you for my mate, but only if this is something you truly want too. We both deserve to be with someone who can make us happy. Take some time and think it over, baby. I’ll go with whatever you decide, but make no mistake. If you decide to stay with me, you’ll belong to me completely, and I won’t be satisfied with less. ”
He rose to his feet, gave him a long, significant look and walked away, leaving Nicky confused and heartbroken, not knowing which way to turn. He put his head down on the table and one low sob shook his shoulders. A hand on his back made him raise his head and dash the tears away from his eyes. It was Logan, looking at him with concern.
“What’s the matter, Nicky? What did he say to you? I was watching you two from nearby and when I saw how intense the conversation was getting, I decided to wait and see if you were okay. ”
“He really doesn’t love me anymore, Logan. I kept thinking that deep down he still did, and I could somehow reawaken it, but I can’t. ”
“Nicky, I don’t think Marco even knows what he feels anymore. Give him some time, and he’ll remember you. Or else he’ll fall in love with you all over again. ”
“Not if he won’t give me a chance. Not if he dissolves our mating. ”
“What? I don’t believe it! Marco would never let you go. ”
Nicky shrugged sadly. “That’s what I thought, but he said he wants someone who’s more submissive, and who doesn’t disobey all the time. ”
“That asshole!”
“Oh, Logan, he’s right, in a way. He said we both deserve to be happy. He doesn’t remember me, really, and what we once had together. He knows what he wants in a mate, and if I can’t bring myself to submit to his authority the way he wants, then maybe he’s right. Maybe we should be apart. Though the thought of him with someone else makes me…” He bent over and clutched at his stomach. “I think I’m going to be sick. ”
Logan jumped to his feet in alarm and grabbed a trash can from against the wall. He shoved it under Nicky and rubbed his back in sympathy as Nicky retched helplessly into it. When Nicky finished, he helped him to his feet.
“Come on. Let’s get you upstairs where we can talk in private and you can lie down for a while. ”
Nicky allowed Logan to take him back upstairs and help him over to the sofa where he stretched out, still trembling from the stress of what Marco had told him and the weightiness of the decision he had to make.
Really, how could there even be any choice? He couldn’t leave Marco. Just the idea of it had made him violently ill. No matter how much he joked about him and teased him in the past about being a stubborn, dominating throwback, he still couldn’t imagine his life without him. He didn’t want to. He would do whatever it took to stay with Marco—whatever it took. And in all truthfulness, he’d always been submissive to Marco in the bedroom, an enthusiastic bottom to his top. It was his stupid pride that was getting in the way, and he wouldn’t allow that to ruin his happiness.
If Marco wanted him to wear a collar and obey him in public, then he would do it. Marco had mentioned retraining, which would probably mean a couple of weeks of kissing his ass in front of the pack and hot sex when they got back home. Surely he could handle that. He might even enjoy it, if he could relax and allow it to happen. He loved Marco’s dominance in bed, and Marco would never be really mean to him, no matter if he remembered him or not.
Dominance wasn’t about being mean to someone, Nicky knew that. He knew it instinctively. Marco had said true submission was about giving yourself completely to another man and putting all that you were into his hands. Hadn’t he already done that with Marco a long time ago? Sure, he liked to tease him and try to get his attention, but that’s usually all it was. He wanted his undivided attention. He craved it and would do anything to get it. He could do this. He would do this. Nicky turned to Logan, who’d been sitting quietly in a nearby chair watching him.
“Logan, would you do me a huge favor and go get Marco? Tell him I’ve made my decision. ”
“Nicky, are you sure? Really sure?”
“Yes, Logan. I’m going to do this. Gabe does it for his alpha all the time,” he said, referring to his friend from the Georgia pack.
“But Gabe is a true submissive. ”
“Maybe so, though they fight all the time and have epic sex afterward. Am I really so different? Marco has always dominated me in bed, and I’ve mostly always let him. He’s spanked me before too, and then we had sex afterward. He just doesn’t remember any of that, and all he knows is I’ve run away a few times when we were fighting, and I don’t let him boss me around. The thing is, Logan, that I always knew he’d come find me whenever I ran away, and most of what I do to be rebellious, I do it because I want his attention. ”
Logan shook his head. “You’re talking yourself into this, Nicky. ”
“It doesn’t matter. I want Marco on any terms, and that’s all me. If wearing his collar and letting him boss me around will allow me to keep him, then what the fuck is the problem? Hell yeah, I’m talking myself into it, because I’ll keep Marco no matter what it takes. No matter what, Logan! If you don’t want to help me with this…”
“Nicky, I want to help you. You’re my friend. But I want you to be happy. ”
“Marco makes me happy. ”
Logan sighed and stood up. “Okay, I’ll go find him. I just don’t get what his problem is. Why can’t he go on as he did before? Hell, none of us is exactly independent here. We all live with our wolves and mostly submit to their will. What the hell else does he want?”
Nicky heard the echo of Logan’s words as the memories receded. What did he want, indeed? Nicky sighed and finished eating, turning to go put his dishes in the sink. He wrinkled his nose at the smell of garbage. Marco must have forgotten to take it out and now it would have to wait until he got home. He was being punished and Marco had forbidden him to leave the apartment and ordered him to remain inside, naked, until he told him different.
Nicky walked over to light a scented candle on a table by the window to help sweeten the air. He also opened the window to let in some fresh air and stood gazing out. Last night, Marco had begun his “retraining. ” He’d been waiting for Marco when he came home, already wearing only a pair of skin tight briefs made of a jersey-like material that showed off his package quite nicely, he thought. The apartment was clean and Marco’s eyes had lit up when he walked through the door and looked Nicky up and down. Nicky had strapped on the thin leather collar just before Marco came home, and he saw Marco’s eyes linger on it for a few moments.
Marco came toward him and took him in his arms. “Are you sure about this, sweetheart?” he murmured, his lips against Nicky’s ear.
“I’m sure. ” And he was sure. He really thought he could pull this off and everything had gone really well until bedtime.
Marco had been working on some paperwork, so Nicky got involved in a TV show he liked while he waited for him to finish. When he stood up and stretched, te
lling Nicky to turn off the TV and come to bed, Nicky hesitated, feeling irritation. The rebelliousness that was so much a part of his nature reared its ugly head.
“I’ll come just as soon as this is over, Marco. ”
“Nicky, it’s getting really late. ”
“C’mon, Marco, I said in a few minutes! What possible difference can a few minutes make?”
Marco stepped closer and gazed down at him. “Are you testing me, Nicky? Is that what this is about?”
“I’m not testing anything. God! I’ve waited on you hand and foot all evening and now I just want to sit here for a few minutes and watch my show. Is that so much to ask?”
“It’s not about the damn show and you know it! Turn it off and come to bed. ”
Nicky ignored him and deliberately turned up the volume. From the corner of his eye, he could see Marco narrow his, and then he wrenched the remote from his hand and threw it across the room, shattering it.
Jumping to his feet, Nicky yelled, “Asshole!” Then he clamped his hands over his mouth and slowly turned to face Marco. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. ”
“No? What did you mean?”
“Uh, nothing. I mean, yes, sir. Or no sir. Or whatever it is you want me to say, sir. ”
“Come here, Nicky. ”
“Uh…no, I think I’ll stay over here for a minute. ”
“Nicky…”
“I’m not going to let you hit me, Marco!”
Marco’s eyebrows rose. “Hit you? What on earth makes you think I would ever hit you?”
“Oh I don’t know, maybe the fact you already have the first day you came home and I shook Dr. Tate’s hand. That and the look in your eyes. ” Marco started forward toward him and Nicky held up his hands in a Tai Kwan Do defense posture Logan had taught him. “Stay back, Marco, I’m warning you!”
Marco rolled his eyes and reached for him and Nicky panicked. He dropped the posture—he didn’t really know the move anyway—and swung his fist at Marco, aiming for his nose. Marco caught Nicky’s fist in one big hand and pulled Nicky to him, pushing his hands behind his back and holding them there, bringing Nicky’s body up close to his, so tightly Nicky couldn’t move, except to look up into his face, afraid of what he might see there. Instead of the anger he expected, though, he saw only determination. “Right,” Marco said. “I can see you need a little reminder. ”