What they say about Norm's full length books
"I loved this book, fangs and all." Best selling author James Rollins on Fang Face
"... an amusing teen vampire tale..." Five starred review - Harriet Klausner, Amazon's #1 book reviewer on Fang Face
“… humorous fantasy at its best…” Armchair Interviews (Amazon Top reviewer), on The Adventures of Guy
“No topic is safe from Cowie’s incredible wit and entertaining turn-of-phrase.” On The Adventures of Guy - Pop Syndicate (rated one of Pop Syndicate's Top Ten Books of 2007)
The Next Adventures of Guy chosen Winner of Preditors and Editors Readers Choice award for best Sci-Fi Fantasy
The Big, Huge, Fat Vampire Bat
All rights Reserved.
Copyright 2012 by Norm Cowie
cover image by Norm Cowie
(More necessary legal small print)
(See additional titles by this author at end of book or at his website)
https://www.normcowie.com
...
This is a work of fiction.
That means it’s not based on real stuff.
I don’t personally know any vampires or zombies, though I know a few people who might be confused with zombies, at least until their first cup of coffee.
Anyway, I made this all up.
These people don’t exist.
Sorry. I know you like them.
The Big, Huge, Fat Vampire Bat
By Norm Cowie
“Scrabble”
Another on the list of games zombies can’t play.
Erin crossed off a day on the calendar and sighed. “Another day down.”
Trug looked up from his cell where he had been texting Nevin, who was sprawled on the couch ten feet away taking up more space than a hundred pound kid should. “What do you mean, to the end of the school year?”
“I hope not. I don’t want the school year to end,” Nevin interrupted.
Trug frowned. “You don’t? Why not?”
“Girls.”
“Huh?”
“Girls. School is like a zoo of women.”
Erin frowned, “A zoo?”
Nevin waved his arms, “No, not like that. Think about it, all of the pretty girls in town have to come here. They’re required to. It’s like a showcase, a collection of babes.”
“Babes?” Erin’s face darkened.
“Yeah, babes. Like you. You’re all forced to go to school.” He waggled his eyebrows. “Even better, you dress up, wear tight jeans and wear makeup and stuff.” He turned his eyes back to his Wii control, and added, “And we guys get to go there and observe you.”
“Observe?”
Trug’s mouth opened to say something. Then it snapped shut because of the glower beginning to spread across Erin’s face. That’s when Trug noticed the calendar’s theme. He winced. “Why couldn’t you have picked out another calendar?”
The impending cloud abruptly left Erin’s face and she grinned. Obviously, she hadn’t really been angry. “I love dog calendars.”
Trug stifled a groan.
Nevin looked up, “I liked being a dog.”
Nevin and Trug had temporarily been turned into were-dogs the previous fall after a werewolf had marked them by peeing on them. Not one of Trug’s happier memories.
Erin lifted a page of the calendar, “And this is one of my favorites.” A big standard poodle. This time Trug didn’t bother to stifle his groan.
Nevin’s ears perked up, “Hey, am I in there, too?”
“Yep.” Erin flipped through the calendar until she found the page with a Border collie.
“Awesome!” Nevin cried.
“That’s why I picked this one. It had my two favorite dogs,” Erin said.
“So what were you saying about another day off?” Trug said to change the subject. He still felt residual effects from being a dog, such as phantom flea bites and the occasional urge to chase the neighbor’s cat.
The pretty girl sighed. “It’s another day closer to my next anniversary.”
“Anniversary?” Trug asked.
“Of one of my bites.”
Comprehension dawned in his dark eyes. “Ahhh.” He couldn’t think of what to say beyond that so he repeated himself, “Ahhh.”
Nevin didn’t have that problem. “What are you saying? You celebrate your bite days?”
Trug cringed. His friend wasn’t the most diplomatic person in the world.
Fortunately, Erin was used to Nevin. She shook her head, “No, but each day brings me closer to being a normal human again. Maybe.”
“Why would you want that?” Nevin pushed a button on the Wii control and sliced a golf ball into the woods. As an avowed master of teenaged multi-tasking, he was simultaneously playing Wii golf, texting with Trug, listening to I-Pod and surfing the Internet. Buried under wires and screens, he looked like a patient hooked up to life-support. Holding a regular conversation hardly strained his multi-tasking limits.
“Dork, she doesn’t want to be a vampire,” Alex said, coming in from the kitchen carrying two big bowls full of chips.
“Why not?” Nevin asked. Then he saw the chips and his eyes brightened. “Ah, sustenance. Bring one of those babies over here. You can bring your cute self, too.” He waggled his eyebrows and patted a spot on the sofa next to him.
Alex gave him the chip bowl, but didn’t take his offer of a seat. Instead, the light-haired brunette handed Trug a bowl, and then dropped into another chair.
Before anyone could say anything, something crash-landed on the outside window sill. It was open a couple of inches to let in fresh spring air. A rotund bat squeezed through the crack with a grunt. Then he lit into the air with the grace and speed of the Goodyear blimp and did a clumsy figure eight near the ceiling. “Your window was closed,” the bat said accusingly.
“Sorry, Jack,” Erin said.
“Do you know what a pain in the butt it was to find an open window?” Jack admonished. “Remember rule number one for vampires. Be kind to your bat.”
Without waiting for a response, he winged up the stairway, flapping furiously to keep himself airborne.
The teens watched him disappear.
“What’s up with him?” Trug asked.
“He looks like a winged tennis ball,” Nevin snorted.
“I don’t know,” Erin said with a shrug. “When I asked him how he’s getting so fat, he got mad and told me I have no room to talk because my butt was big.”
Nevin cocked his head and shot the pretty vampire a lewd look, “Your butt’s getting big? Turn around, I’ll be happy to give you my expert opinion on the subject.”
“Stick to your dad’s magazines,” Erin retorted.
“Hey, how did you know …”
“Jack seems a bit cranky, too,” Trug interrupted.
Alex giggled, “Yeah, he’s getting fat and cranky. When I asked him what’s up, he told me he discovered the ‘mother lode’ of moths.”
“You can’t get fat on moths. They taste too nasty,” Nevin said.
Trug gave him a look, “How could you possibly know that?”
“Oh, um. I might have tried one once.”
A slow smile grew over Alex’s face. “You ate a moth?”
Erin arched an eyebrow. “You’re surprised at anything this nut does?”
“Hey, I was a dog! Dogs will eat anything,” Nevin protested.
Alex grinned. "Were you a dog at the time?"
Nevin colored, "Well, no, but...
“Plus dogs roll in everything,” Alex added.
"Everything," Erin emphasized.
Alex's eyes sparkled, "like deer poop,
and..."
“Yeah, maybe, but you don’t know what you’re missing with your puny olfactory senses,” Nevin said with a superior air.
“We had a dog once that would eat cat poop,” Erin said. “Did you happen to try cat poop when you were a dog?”
Nevin pretended not to hear, and sliced another Wii ball into the woods.
Erin smiled, and then said, “Anyway, next week is the anniversary of the second bite.”
Alex grimaced, not fooled by her sister’s light tone. A vampire had broken into Erin’s room to feed on her, coming back a second time. One more bite would complete her transition to fully undead vampire. They killed the vampire who had attacked her, but there were other vampires in town who could complete the process.
“I wonder what will happen,” Alex mused.
Erin looked thoughtful. “I think maybe some of the powers will diminish, or maybe go away entirely.”
“It would suck if you couldn’t turn to mist anymore,” Nevin mumbled around a mouthful of chips. Crumbs were scattered all over the electronic paraphernalia draped over him.
“Or fly,” Trug said.
“I’d sure like to do that misting thing,” Nevin said. “So many possibilities.”
“Yeah, yeah. The girl’s locker room,” Trug chuckled.
“Seriously. We should have joint locker rooms.”
“Nobody wants to see your skinny butt,” Trug said.
Alex’s eyebrows Spocked, “Joint locker rooms?
“Why not?” Nevin said. “I’ve researched it.”
A sardonic expression went over Alex’s face. “You mean you looked for pictures on the Internet.”
Nevin nodded. “Well, yes, of course, but I learned stuff too. Like in some cultures, families bathe together. I mean, not that I want to bathe with my family, but there are public baths, and …” He interrupted himself as his brain switched from talking mode to fantasy mode, a blissful look creeping over his face.
Alex grimaced.
“He’s right, though,” Trug said. “Communal bathing goes back to the Indus, Greeks and Romans, continuing with the Japanese culture nowadays.”
“Imagine,” Nevin said earnestly. “We could respark the ancient art of public bathing.”
Trug shuddered as he considered the girls in school seeing his squatty, hairy body. The one good thing about becoming a dog was he had been a fine looking dog. If it hadn’t been for the whole demeaning poodle-thing…
Nevin’s eyes refocused and he looked at Erin and Alex, “We could start the tradition now. How big’s your bathtub?”
“I’m not taking a bath with you,” Erin said.
“If you do, I’ll let you bite my neck,” he offered.
She grinned. “Forget it. You don’t have enough blood in that scrawny neck.”
“Hey, what I don’t have in quantity, I make up for in quality.”
Trug snorted.
Nevin shot him a glance, and realized what he’d said. “You know what I mean.”
Nobody wanted to expand on this, so there was a moment of silence.
“I think you should consider taking Jack to the vet,” Trug said after a moment.
“The vet?” Erin asked.
“Yes. Maybe he’s got some kind of blockage or something.”
“I doubt he has a blockage,” Erin said. “There’s guano all over the place.”
“Okay, maybe. But it can’t be healthy for him to be that fat. He might strain a wing ligament or something hauling all that weight around,” he insisted. “Maybe it has something to do with the fact he didn’t hibernate over the winter like most bats. He kept eating.”
Erin shook her head slowly, “But he gets exercise. And I only fed him crickets.”
“Maybe he found something else to eat,” Alex said.
“He looks like my Uncle Guido, who eats nothing but pizza … and beer,” Nevin said.
“You have an Uncle Guido?” Trug asked.
Nevin felt an itch on his neck and he tried bending his foot up to scratch at it. He froze when he realized what he was doing, grinned sheepishly, and scratched like a normal human.
Trug noticed and his stomach clenched. He had had several unsettling dreams about being a dog again, and full moons were cause for tension.
Not so for Nevin.
He wanted to turn into a dog again so much he built a doghouse in his backyard. During full moons he’d go outside and lay in the doghouse, hoping he’d morph back into a dog.
Alex suddenly had a thought, “What about Jack?”
“Jack? What about him?” Erin asked.
“If you become human again, what happens to him? He only appeared when you started becoming vampire.”
Icy fingers touched Erin’s heart. She had never considered this.
“Crap!” Nevin said, bolting upright in his chair, chips and cable flying. “I was just texting you and sent it to my Mom by accident.”