Nobody noticed the two vampires talking quietly at the corner table at Starbucks.
There were a lot of reasons they might go unnoticed. The most obvious reason might be they sipped cappuccinos instead of frothing glasses of bright arterial blood. That, and they munched on banana bread muffins instead of necks. Okay, so the younger vampire held a neck, but it was just the neck of a bottle of tea he'd just purchased.
Another reason was the lack of fangs. Fangs and vampires go together like teenagers and acne, frogs and slime…no, like lawyers and slime.
Anyway, if you did see a vampire, you'd probably have the intense desire to brandish a cross, a cup of holy water or maybe your own personal Terminator. You'd probably also feel an overwhelming urge to pee in your pants – which is okay too – and not a sign you're a sissy. Unless you are a sissy, in which case you wouldn't need to read it on a sign.
The older vampire wore loud Bermuda shorts, a Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirt and flip flops. He looked a carefully preserved sixty, but was in actuality nearing his one thousandth birthday. He had celebrated hitting the big 999 by eating a bleached-blonde celebrity famous only for being a rehab bunny, getting into legal scrapes and going back and forth into clinics with the media greedily snapping photographs. He'd been sick for a week afterwards. Worse, he ended up having to throw out his entire coffin because he couldn't get the puke out of the satin interior. The whole thing soured him so much on celebrities he could no longer read trashy tabloids any more without turning green.
It didn't stop him from reading the tabloids, he'd just turn green.
The other vampire was younger by some nine hundred and seventy years, give or take a year, but who's counting at that point? He was a big guy dressed in dirty jeans and a blue shirt with a name tag.
And he was complaining.
"Why did we have to meet here...among food?"
One of his fangs started popping out, and he struggled manfully, er, vampirefully, to get it to go back up.
The older vampire smiled, the twist of his lips not making it to his black fathomless eyes.
"I'm sorry. How should you refer to me?" he asked mildly while peeling a muffin out of its paper holder with long, yellow saber-like fingernails.
The other vampire would have turned white, but seeing as he was already a chalky shade he stayed the same pasty pale. (For the exact color, check out Bone White #C520-82 on the Behr Paint color chart at Home Depot)
"Oh. Um. I'm sorry, Master. Please forgive me."
The old vampire nodded, muffin crumbs tumbling from his black lips like dandruff. "You need to learn control and self-restraint. And as to why we are here, it is good for you to learn these lessons by suffering somewhat."
"I don't want to suffer," the younger vampire wined.
No, he didn't wine, he whined.
He stopped when the older one frowned and they sat for a moment in silence.
The younger vampire’s eyes slid to the muffin.
“How can you eat that?”
“Huh?”
“It’s not fair. How come I can’t eat muffins?”
“Ah, young one. It is one of the perks of age.”
“I want to eat muffins … and, um, blood. But I want muffins, too.”
“You must be patient. Good things come to those who wait.”
“But I …”
Without a word, the Master raised a finger.
The younger vampire’s mouth clamped obediently, and he went into a low simmer.
They sat for a bit to let him cook.
Finally the older man spoke again, his voice courtly. "We have a lot to do together, you and I.”
"Um, Master...shouldn't it be 'me'?"
"Huh?"
"You said, 'you and I.' Shouldn't it be, 'you and me'?"
The old vampire frowned. "No, I don't think so. I think 'I' is the correct usage."
"Okay, maybe."
Silence.
Then the ancient vampire continued, "You will need strength of mind and body in the days ahead."
The younger vampire leaned forward excitedly. "What, Master? What do you have in mind?"
The older vampire took a sip of his coffee, wiped whipped cream off his upper lip with a napkin, and smiled a smile that would look more at home on a hammerhead shark.
"We recruit, my young protégé. We recruit."
"Recruit?"
"Yes. This is an excellent place, and prime for bringing more of our own into the fold."
"Oh, okay." Then the younger vampire frowned. "I don't get it."
"Get what?"
"Bringing someone into a fold. Why would someone want to be folded?"
The ancient vampire's eyebrows Spocked. "I'm not sure. I know I am older than the saying, but somehow it worked its way into my vernacular."
They sat for a moment in thought.
Then the old vampire shifted. "Whatever, as you younger ones say. Anyway, in any event, I have begun recruiting, and will have need of your help."
"Really?" An ugly smile spread across the younger vampire's face. "What can I do to help?"
The old man leaned closer, and began whispering.
When they left Starbucks they stood outside for a moment and the older vampire waggled a finger. "Now remember, patience." Then he simply turned to mist.
"How does he do that?" the younger one muttered, then he shrugged.
He was so frustrated and hungry from sitting with the cattle he snagged a passing opossum. His fangs sprang into being and he bit hungrily into its neck.
His thirst momentarily sated, he went off to find better tasting prey.
Norm’s books
Bonk & Hedz (a caveman ... and woman...story)
The Adventures of Guy
The Next Adventures of Guy
Fang Face
WereWoof
The Guy'd Book, why we leave the seat up... and other stuff
https://www.normcowie.com
Some of Norm’s reviews:
on Fang Face and its sequel WereWoof
"I loved this book, fangs and all." ~ Best selling author James Rollins
“… fantastically funny.” ~ BookLoons
"This book sucks ... in a most delightful way. Don't miss this gem.." ~ Shane Gericke, national bestselling author
"... an amusing teen vampire tale..." ~ Five-starred review ~ Harriet Klausner, Amazon's #1 book reviewer
"...genuinely funny...” ~ Taliesin - The Vampire's Lair
on The Adventures of Guy and its sequel The Next Adventures of Guy
“… humorous fantasy at its best…” ~ Armchair Interviews (Amazon Top reviewer)
“…LOL funny” ~ Beverly at Publisher's Weekly
“No topic is safe from Cowie’s incredible wit and entertaining turn-of-phrase.” ~ Pop Syndicate (named one of Pop Syndicate's Top Ten Books of 2007)
"...hilarious mishaps...." ~ Joliet Herald News
“Hilarious, witty and oozing with snappy sarcasm…” ~3Rs Bits, Bites & Books
“Don't bother picking up this one if you've no sense of humor" ~ Amanda Richards, Amazon Top Reviewer
"Everything in the book is so true, you can't help but laugh in agreement." ~ Roundtable Reviews
The Next Adventures of Guy, winner "Best Sci-Fi Fantasy" in Preditors and Editors readers choice award
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