XI. 'LIKE SUMMER TEMPESTS CAME HIS TEARS'
The Rat put out a neat little brown paw, gripped Toad firmly bythe scruff of the neck, and gave a great hoist and a pull; and thewater-logged Toad came up slowly but surely over the edge of the hole,till at last he stood safe and sound in the hall, streaked with mud andweed to be sure, and with the water streaming off him, but happy andhigh-spirited as of old, now that he found himself once more in thehouse of a friend, and dodgings and evasions were over, and he could layaside a disguise that was unworthy of his position and wanted such a lotof living up to.
'O, Ratty!' he cried. 'I've been through such times since I saw youlast, you can't think! Such trials, such sufferings, and all so noblyborne! Then such escapes, such disguises such subterfuges, and all socleverly planned and carried out! Been in prison--got out of it, ofcourse! Been thrown into a canal--swam ashore! Stole a horse--sold himfor a large sum of money! Humbugged everybody--made 'em all do exactlywhat I wanted! Oh, I AM a smart Toad, and no mistake! What do you thinkmy last exploit was? Just hold on till I tell you----'
'Toad,' said the Water Rat, gravely and firmly, 'you go off upstairsat once, and take off that old cotton rag that looks as if it mightformerly have belonged to some washerwoman, and clean yourselfthoroughly, and put on some of my clothes, and try and come downlooking like a gentleman if you CAN; for a more shabby, bedraggled,disreputable-looking object than you are I never set eyes on in my wholelife! Now, stop swaggering and arguing, and be off! I'll have somethingto say to you later!'
Toad was at first inclined to stop and do some talking back at him. Hehad had enough of being ordered about when he was in prison, and herewas the thing being begun all over again, apparently; and by a Rat,too! However, he caught sight of himself in the looking-glass over thehat-stand, with the rusty black bonnet perched rakishly over one eye,and he changed his mind and went very quickly and humbly upstairs to theRat's dressing-room. There he had a thorough wash and brush-up, changedhis clothes, and stood for a long time before the glass, contemplatinghimself with pride and pleasure, and thinking what utter idiots all thepeople must have been to have ever mistaken him for one moment for awasherwoman.
By the time he came down again luncheon was on the table, and very gladToad was to see it, for he had been through some trying experiences andhad taken much hard exercise since the excellent breakfast provided forhim by the gipsy. While they ate Toad told the Rat all his adventures,dwelling chiefly on his own cleverness, and presence of mind inemergencies, and cunning in tight places; and rather making out that hehad been having a gay and highly-coloured experience. But the more hetalked and boasted, the more grave and silent the Rat became.
When at last Toad had talked himself to a standstill, there was silencefor a while; and then the Rat said, 'Now, Toady, I don't want to giveyou pain, after all you've been through already; but, seriously, don'tyou see what an awful ass you've been making of yourself? On yourown admission you have been handcuffed, imprisoned, starved, chased,terrified out of your life, insulted, jeered at, and ignominiously flunginto the water--by a woman, too! Where's the amusement in that? Wheredoes the fun come in? And all because you must needs go and steal amotor-car. You know that you've never had anything but trouble frommotor-cars from the moment you first set eyes on one. But if you WILLbe mixed up with them--as you generally are, five minutes after you'vestarted--why STEAL them? Be a cripple, if you think it's exciting; be abankrupt, for a change, if you've set your mind on it: but why chooseto be a convict? When are you going to be sensible, and think of yourfriends, and try and be a credit to them? Do you suppose it's anypleasure to me, for instance, to hear animals saying, as I go about,that I'm the chap that keeps company with gaol-birds?'
Now, it was a very comforting point in Toad's character that he was athoroughly good-hearted animal and never minded being jawed by thosewho were his real friends. And even when most set upon a thing, he wasalways able to see the other side of the question. So although, whilethe Rat was talking so seriously, he kept saying to himself mutinously,'But it WAS fun, though! Awful fun!' and making strange suppressednoises inside him, k-i-ck-ck-ck, and poop-p-p, and other soundsresembling stifled snorts, or the opening of soda-water bottles, yetwhen the Rat had quite finished, he heaved a deep sigh and said, verynicely and humbly, 'Quite right, Ratty! How SOUND you always are! Yes,I've been a conceited old ass, I can quite see that; but now I'm goingto be a good Toad, and not do it any more. As for motor-cars, I've notbeen at all so keen about them since my last ducking in that river ofyours. The fact is, while I was hanging on to the edge of your holeand getting my breath, I had a sudden idea--a really brilliantidea--connected with motor-boats--there, there! don't take on so, oldchap, and stamp, and upset things; it was only an idea, and we won'ttalk any more about it now. We'll have our coffee, AND a smoke, and aquiet chat, and then I'm going to stroll quietly down to Toad Hall, andget into clothes of my own, and set things going again on the old lines.I've had enough of adventures. I shall lead a quiet, steady, respectablelife, pottering about my property, and improving it, and doing a littlelandscape gardening at times. There will always be a bit of dinner formy friends when they come to see me; and I shall keep a pony-chaise tojog about the country in, just as I used to in the good old days, beforeI got restless, and wanted to DO things.'
'Stroll quietly down to Toad Hall?' cried the Rat, greatly excited.'What are you talking about? Do you mean to say you haven't HEARD?'
'Heard what?' said Toad, turning rather pale. 'Go on, Ratty! Quick!Don't spare me! What haven't I heard?'
'Do you mean to tell me,' shouted the Rat, thumping with his littlefist upon the table, 'that you've heard nothing about the Stoats andWeasels?'
What, the Wild Wooders?' cried Toad, trembling in every limb. 'No, not aword! What have they been doing?'
'--And how they've been and taken Toad Hall?' continued the Rat.
Toad leaned his elbows on the table, and his chin on his paws; and alarge tear welled up in each of his eyes, overflowed and splashed on thetable, plop! plop!
'Go on, Ratty,' he murmured presently; 'tell me all. The worst is over.I am an animal again. I can bear it.'
'When you--got--into that--that--trouble of yours,' said the Rat, slowlyand impressively; 'I mean, when you--disappeared from society for atime, over that misunderstanding about a--a machine, you know--'
Toad merely nodded.
'Well, it was a good deal talked about down here, naturally,' continuedthe Rat, 'not only along the river-side, but even in the Wild Wood.Animals took sides, as always happens. The River-bankers stuck up foryou, and said you had been infamously treated, and there was no justiceto be had in the land nowadays. But the Wild Wood animals said hardthings, and served you right, and it was time this sort of thing wasstopped. And they got very cocky, and went about saying you were donefor this time! You would never come back again, never, never!'
Toad nodded once more, keeping silence.
'That's the sort of little beasts they are,' the Rat went on. 'But Moleand Badger, they stuck out, through thick and thin, that you would comeback again soon, somehow. They didn't know exactly how, but somehow!'
Toad began to sit up in his chair again, and to smirk a little.
'They argued from history,' continued the Rat. 'They said thatno criminal laws had ever been known to prevail against cheek andplausibility such as yours, combined with the power of a long purse. Sothey arranged to move their things in to Toad Hall, and sleep there, andkeep it aired, and have it all ready for you when you turned up. Theydidn't guess what was going to happen, of course; still, they had theirsuspicions of the Wild Wood animals. Now I come to the most painful andtragic part of my story. One dark night--it was a VERY dark night, andblowing hard, too, and raining simply cats and dogs--a band of weasels,armed to the teeth, crept silently up the carriage-drive to the frontentrance. Simultaneously, a body of desperate ferrets, advancing throughthe kitchen-garden, possessed themselves of the backyard and offices;while a company of skirmishing stoats who stuck at nothing occupied theconservatory and the billiard-room, and held the French windows openingon to the lawn.
'The Mole and the Badger were sitting by the fire in the smoking-room,telling stories and suspecting nothing, for it wasn't a night for anyanimals to be out in, when those bloodthirsty villains broke down thedoors and rushed in upon them from every side. They made the best fightthey could, but what was the good? They were unarmed, and taken bysurprise, and what can two animals do against hundreds? They took andbeat them severely with sticks, those two poor faithful creatures,and turned them out into the cold and the wet, with many insulting anduncalled-for remarks!'
Here the unfeeling Toad broke into a snigger, and then pulled himselftogether and tried to look particularly solemn.
'And the Wild Wooders have been living in Toad Hall ever since,'continued the Rat; 'and going on simply anyhow! Lying in bed half theday, and breakfast at all hours, and the place in such a mess (I'm told)it's not fit to be seen! Eating your grub, and drinking your drink, andmaking bad jokes about you, and singing vulgar songs, about--well, aboutprisons and magistrates, and policemen; horrid personal songs, with nohumour in them. And they're telling the tradespeople and everybody thatthey've come to stay for good.'
'O, have they!' said Toad getting up and seizing a stick. 'I'll jollysoon see about that!'
'It's no good, Toad!' called the Rat after him. 'You'd better come backand sit down; you'll only get into trouble.'
But the Toad was off, and there was no holding him. He marched rapidlydown the road, his stick over his shoulder, fuming and muttering tohimself in his anger, till he got near his front gate, when suddenlythere popped up from behind the palings a long yellow ferret with a gun.
'Who comes there?' said the ferret sharply.
'Stuff and nonsense!' said Toad, very angrily. 'What do you mean bytalking like that to me? Come out of that at once, or I'll----'
The ferret said never a word, but he brought his gun up to his shoulder.Toad prudently dropped flat in the road, and BANG! a bullet whistledover his head.
The startled Toad scrambled to his feet and scampered off down the roadas hard as he could; and as he ran he heard the ferret laughing andother horrid thin little laughs taking it up and carrying on the sound.
He went back, very crestfallen, and told the Water Rat.
'What did I tell you?' said the Rat. 'It's no good. They've got sentriesposted, and they are all armed. You must just wait.'
Still, Toad was not inclined to give in all at once. So he got out theboat, and set off rowing up the river to where the garden front of ToadHall came down to the waterside.
Arriving within sight of his old home, he rested on his oars andsurveyed the land cautiously. All seemed very peaceful and deserted andquiet. He could see the whole front of Toad Hall, glowing in the eveningsunshine, the pigeons settling by twos and threes along the straightline of the roof; the garden, a blaze of flowers; the creek that ledup to the boat-house, the little wooden bridge that crossed it; alltranquil, uninhabited, apparently waiting for his return. He would trythe boat-house first, he thought. Very warily he paddled up to the mouthof the creek, and was just passing under the bridge, when ... CRASH!
A great stone, dropped from above, smashed through the bottom of theboat. It filled and sank, and Toad found himself struggling in deepwater. Looking up, he saw two stoats leaning over the parapet of thebridge and watching him with great glee. 'It will be your head nexttime, Toady!' they called out to him. The indignant Toad swam to shore,while the stoats laughed and laughed, supporting each other, and laughedagain, till they nearly had two fits--that is, one fit each, of course.
The Toad retraced his weary way on foot, and related his disappointingexperiences to the Water Rat once more.
'Well, WHAT did I tell you?' said the Rat very crossly. 'And, now, lookhere! See what you've been and done! Lost me my boat that I was so fondof, that's what you've done! And simply ruined that nice suit of clothesthat I lent you! Really, Toad, of all the trying animals--I wonder youmanage to keep any friends at all!'
The Toad saw at once how wrongly and foolishly he had acted. He admittedhis errors and wrong-headedness and made a full apology to Rat forlosing his boat and spoiling his clothes. And he wound up by saying,with that frank self-surrender which always disarmed his friend'scriticism and won them back to his side, 'Ratty! I see that I have beena headstrong and a wilful Toad! Henceforth, believe me, I will be humbleand submissive, and will take no action without your kind advice andfull approval!'
'If that is really so,' said the good-natured Rat, already appeased,'then my advice to you is, considering the lateness of the hour, to sitdown and have your supper, which will be on the table in a minute, andbe very patient. For I am convinced that we can do nothing until wehave seen the Mole and the Badger, and heard their latest news, and heldconference and taken their advice in this difficult matter.'
'Oh, ah, yes, of course, the Mole and the Badger,' said Toad, lightly.'What's become of them, the dear fellows? I had forgotten all aboutthem.'
'Well may you ask!' said the Rat reproachfully. 'While you were ridingabout the country in expensive motor-cars, and galloping proudly onblood-horses, and breakfasting on the fat of the land, those two poordevoted animals have been camping out in the open, in every sort ofweather, living very rough by day and lying very hard by night; watchingover your house, patrolling your boundaries, keeping a constant eye onthe stoats and the weasels, scheming and planning and contriving how toget your property back for you. You don't deserve to have such true andloyal friends, Toad, you don't, really. Some day, when it's too late,you'll be sorry you didn't value them more while you had them!'
'I'm an ungrateful beast, I know,' sobbed Toad, shedding bitter tears.'Let me go out and find them, out into the cold, dark night, and sharetheir hardships, and try and prove by----Hold on a bit! Surely I heardthe chink of dishes on a tray! Supper's here at last, hooray! Come on,Ratty!'
The Rat remembered that poor Toad had been on prison fare for aconsiderable time, and that large allowances had therefore to be made.He followed him to the table accordingly, and hospitably encouraged himin his gallant efforts to make up for past privations.
They had just finished their meal and resumed their arm-chairs, whenthere came a heavy knock at the door.
Toad was nervous, but the Rat, nodding mysteriously at him, wentstraight up to the door and opened it, and in walked Mr. Badger.
He had all the appearance of one who for some nights had been kept awayfrom home and all its little comforts and conveniences. His shoes werecovered with mud, and he was looking very rough and touzled; but thenhe had never been a very smart man, the Badger, at the best of times. Hecame solemnly up to Toad, shook him by the paw, and said, 'Welcome home,Toad! Alas! what am I saying? Home, indeed! This is a poor home-coming.Unhappy Toad!' Then he turned his back on him, sat down to the table,drew his chair up, and helped himself to a large slice of cold pie.
Toad was quite alarmed at this very serious and portentous style ofgreeting; but the Rat whispered to him, 'Never mind; don't take anynotice; and don't say anything to him just yet. He's always rather lowand despondent when he's wanting his victuals. In half an hour's timehe'll be quite a different animal.'
So they waited in silence, and presently there came another and alighter knock. The Rat, with a nod to Toad, went to the door and usheredin the Mole, very shabby and unwashed, with bits of hay and strawsticking in his fur.
'Hooray! Here's old Toad!' cried the Mole, his face beaming. 'Fancyhaving you back again!' And he began to dance round him. 'We neverdreamt you would turn up so soon! Why, you must have managed to escape,you clever, ingenious, intelligent Toad!'
The Rat, alarmed, pulled him by the elbow; but it was too late. Toad waspuffing and swelling already.
'Clever? O, no!' he said. 'I'm not really clever, according to myfriends. I've only broken out of the strongest prison in England, that'sall! And captured a railway train and escaped on it, that's all! Anddisguised myself and gone about the country humbugging everybody, that'sall! O, no! I'm a stupid ass, I am! I'll tell you one or two of mylittle adventures, Mole, and you shall judge for yourself!'
'Well, well,' said the Mole, moving towards the supper-table; 'supposingyou talk while I eat. Not a bite since breakfast! O my! O my!' And hesat down and helped himself liberally to cold beef and pickles.
Toad straddled on the hearth-rug, thrust his paw into his trouser-pocketand pulled out a handful of silver. 'Look at that!' he cried, displayingit. 'That's not so bad, is it, for a few minutes' work? And how do youthink I done it, Mole? Horse-dealing! That's how I done it!'
'Go on, Toad,' said the Mole, immensely interested.
'Toad, do be quiet, please!' said the Rat. 'And don't you egg him on,Mole, when you know what he is; but please tell us as soon as possiblewhat the position is, and what's best to be done, now that Toad is backat last.'
'The position's about as bad as it can be,' replied the Mole grumpily;'and as for what's to be done, why, blest if I know! The Badger and Ihave been round and round the place, by night and by day; always thesame thing. Sentries posted everywhere, guns poked out at us, stonesthrown at us; always an animal on the look-out, and when they see us,my! how they do laugh! That's what annoys me most!'
'It's a very difficult situation,' said the Rat, reflecting deeply. 'ButI think I see now, in the depths of my mind, what Toad really ought todo. I will tell you. He ought to----'
'No, he oughtn't!' shouted the Mole, with his mouth full. 'Nothing ofthe sort! You don't understand. What he ought to do is, he ought to----'
'Well, I shan't do it, anyway!' cried Toad, getting excited. 'I'm notgoing to be ordered about by you fellows! It's my house we're talkingabout, and I know exactly what to do, and I'll tell you. I'm goingto----'
By this time they were all three talking at once, at the top of theirvoices, and the noise was simply deafening, when a thin, dry voice madeitself heard, saying, 'Be quiet at once, all of you!' and instantlyevery one was silent.
It was the Badger, who, having finished his pie, had turned round in hischair and was looking at them severely. When he saw that he had securedtheir attention, and that they were evidently waiting for him to addressthem, he turned back to the table again and reached out for the cheese.And so great was the respect commanded by the solid qualities of thatadmirable animal, that not another word was uttered until he had quitefinished his repast and brushed the crumbs from his knees. The Toadfidgeted a good deal, but the Rat held him firmly down.
When the Badger had quite done, he got up from his seat and stood beforethe fireplace, reflecting deeply. At last he spoke.
'Toad!' he said severely. 'You bad, troublesome little animal! Aren'tyou ashamed of yourself? What do you think your father, my old friend,would have said if he had been here to-night, and had known of all yourgoings on?'
Toad, who was on the sofa by this time, with his legs up, rolled over onhis face, shaken by sobs of contrition.
'There, there!' went on the Badger, more kindly. 'Never mind. Stopcrying. We're going to let bygones be bygones, and try and turn over anew leaf. But what the Mole says is quite true. The stoats are on guard,at every point, and they make the best sentinels in the world. It'squite useless to think of attacking the place. They're too strong forus.'
'Then it's all over,' sobbed the Toad, crying into the sofa cushions. 'Ishall go and enlist for a soldier, and never see my dear Toad Hall anymore!'
'Come, cheer up, Toady!' said the Badger. 'There are more ways ofgetting back a place than taking it by storm. I haven't said my lastword yet. Now I'm going to tell you a great secret.'
Toad sat up slowly and dried his eyes. Secrets had an immense attractionfor him, because he never could keep one, and he enjoyed the sort ofunhallowed thrill he experienced when he went and told another animal,after having faithfully promised not to.
'There--is--an--underground--passage,' said the Badger, impressively,'that leads from the river-bank, quite near here, right up into themiddle of Toad Hall.'
'O, nonsense! Badger,' said Toad, rather airily. 'You've been listeningto some of the yarns they spin in the public-houses about here. I knowevery inch of Toad Hall, inside and out. Nothing of the sort, I doassure you!'
'My young friend,' said the Badger, with great severity, 'your father,who was a worthy animal--a lot worthier than some others I know--wasa particular friend of mine, and told me a great deal he wouldn't havedreamt of telling you. He discovered that passage--he didn't make it,of course; that was done hundreds of years before he ever came to livethere--and he repaired it and cleaned it out, because he thought itmight come in useful some day, in case of trouble or danger; and heshowed it to me. Don't let my son know about it, he said. He's a goodboy, but very light and volatile in character, and simply cannot holdhis tongue. If he's ever in a real fix, and it would be of use to him,you may tell him about the secret passage; but not before.'
The other animals looked hard at Toad to see how he would take it. Toadwas inclined to be sulky at first; but he brightened up immediately,like the good fellow he was.
'Well, well,' he said; 'perhaps I am a bit of a talker. A popular fellowsuch as I am--my friends get round me--we chaff, we sparkle, we tellwitty stories--and somehow my tongue gets wagging. I have the gift ofconversation. I've been told I ought to have a salon, whatever that maybe. Never mind. Go on, Badger. How's this passage of yours going to helpus?'
'I've found out a thing or two lately,' continued the Badger. 'I gotOtter to disguise himself as a sweep and call at the back-door withbrushes over his shoulder, asking for a job. There's going to be a bigbanquet to-morrow night. It's somebody's birthday--the Chief Weasel's,I believe--and all the weasels will be gathered together in thedining-hall, eating and drinking and laughing and carrying on,suspecting nothing. No guns, no swords, no sticks, no arms of any sortwhatever!'
'But the sentinels will be posted as usual,' remarked the Rat.
'Exactly,' said the Badger; 'that is my point. The weasels will trustentirely to their excellent sentinels. And that is where the passagecomes in. That very useful tunnel leads right up under the butler'spantry, next to the dining-hall!'
'Aha! that squeaky board in the butler's pantry!' said Toad. 'Now Iunderstand it!'
'We shall creep out quietly into the butler's pantry--' cried the Mole.
'--with our pistols and swords and sticks--' shouted the Rat.
'--and rush in upon them,' said the Badger.
'--and whack 'em, and whack 'em, and whack 'em!' cried the Toad inecstasy, running round and round the room, and jumping over the chairs.
'Very well, then,' said the Badger, resuming his usual dry manner, 'ourplan is settled, and there's nothing more for you to argue and squabbleabout. So, as it's getting very late, all of you go right off to bed atonce. We will make all the necessary arrangements in the course of themorning to-morrow.'
Toad, of course, went off to bed dutifully with the rest--he knew betterthan to refuse--though he was feeling much too excited to sleep. Buthe had had a long day, with many events crowded into it; and sheets andblankets were very friendly and comforting things, after plain straw,and not too much of it, spread on the stone floor of a draughty cell;and his head had not been many seconds on his pillow before he wassnoring happily. Naturally, he dreamt a good deal; about roads that ranaway from him just when he wanted them, and canals that chased him andcaught him, and a barge that sailed into the banqueting-hall with hisweek's washing, just as he was giving a dinner-party; and he was alonein the secret passage, pushing onwards, but it twisted and turned roundand shook itself, and sat up on its end; yet somehow, at the last,he found himself back in Toad Hall, safe and triumphant, with all hisfriends gathered round about him, earnestly assuring him that he reallywas a clever Toad.
He slept till a late hour next morning, and by the time he got downhe found that the other animals had finished their breakfast some timebefore. The Mole had slipped off somewhere by himself, without tellingany one where he was going to. The Badger sat in the arm-chair, readingthe paper, and not concerning himself in the slightest about what wasgoing to happen that very evening. The Rat, on the other hand, wasrunning round the room busily, with his arms full of weapons of everykind, distributing them in four little heaps on the floor, and sayingexcitedly under his breath, as he ran, 'Here's-a-sword-for-the-Rat,here's-a-sword-for-the Mole, here's-a-sword-for-the-Toad,here's-a-sword-for-the-Badger! Here's-a-pistol-for-the-Rat,here's-a-pistol-for-the-Mole, here's-a-pistol-for-the-Toad,here's-a-pistol-for-the-Badger!' And so on, in a regular, rhythmicalway, while the four little heaps gradually grew and grew.
'That's all very well, Rat,' said the Badger presently, looking at thebusy little animal over the edge of his newspaper; 'I'm not blaming you.But just let us once get past the stoats, with those detestable guns oftheirs, and I assure you we shan't want any swords or pistols. We four,with our sticks, once we're inside the dining-hall, why, we shall clearthe floor of all the lot of them in five minutes. I'd have done thewhole thing by myself, only I didn't want to deprive you fellows of thefun!'
'It's as well to be on the safe side,' said the Rat reflectively,polishing a pistol-barrel on his sleeve and looking along it.
The Toad, having finished his breakfast, picked up a stout stick andswung it vigorously, belabouring imaginary animals. 'I'll learn 'em tosteal my house!' he cried. 'I'll learn 'em, I'll learn 'em!'
'Don't say learn 'em, Toad,' said the Rat, greatly shocked. 'It's notgood English.'
'What are you always nagging at Toad for?' inquired the Badger, ratherpeevishly. 'What's the matter with his English? It's the same what I usemyself, and if it's good enough for me, it ought to be good enough foryou!'
'I'm very sorry,' said the Rat humbly. 'Only I THINK it ought to beteach 'em, not learn 'em.'
'But we don't WANT to teach 'em,' replied the Badger. 'We want to LEARN'em--learn 'em, learn 'em! And what's more, we're going to DO it, too!'
'Oh, very well, have it your own way,' said the Rat. He was gettingrather muddled about it himself, and presently he retired into a corner,where he could be heard muttering, 'Learn 'em, teach 'em, teach 'em,learn 'em!' till the Badger told him rather sharply to leave off.
Presently the Mole came tumbling into the room, evidently very pleasedwith himself. 'I've been having such fun!' he began at once; 'I've beengetting a rise out of the stoats!'
'I hope you've been very careful, Mole?' said the Rat anxiously.
'I should hope so, too,' said the Mole confidently. 'I got the idea whenI went into the kitchen, to see about Toad's breakfast being kepthot for him. I found that old washerwoman-dress that he came home inyesterday, hanging on a towel-horse before the fire. So I put it on, andthe bonnet as well, and the shawl, and off I went to Toad Hall, as boldas you please. The sentries were on the look-out, of course, with theirguns and their Who comes there? and all the rest of their nonsense.Good morning, gentlemen! says I, very respectful. Want any washingdone to-day?
'They looked at me very proud and stiff and haughty, and said, Go away,washerwoman! We don't do any washing on duty. Or any other time? saysI. Ho, ho, ho! Wasn't I FUNNY, Toad?'
'Poor, frivolous animal!' said Toad, very loftily. The fact is, he feltexceedingly jealous of Mole for what he had just done. It was exactlywhat he would have liked to have done himself, if only he had thought ofit first, and hadn't gone and overslept himself.
'Some of the stoats turned quite pink,' continued the Mole, 'and theSergeant in charge, he said to me, very short, he said, Now run away,my good woman, run away! Don't keep my men idling and talking on theirposts. Run away? says I; it won't be me that'll be running away, ina very short time from now!'
'O MOLY, how could you?' said the Rat, dismayed.
The Badger laid down his paper.
'I could see them pricking up their ears and looking at each other,'went on the Mole; 'and the Sergeant said to them, Never mind HER; shedoesn't know what she's talking about.'
'O! don't I?' said I. 'Well, let me tell you this. My daughter, shewashes for Mr. Badger, and that'll show you whether I know what I'mtalking about; and YOU'LL know pretty soon, too! A hundred bloodthirstybadgers, armed with rifles, are going to attack Toad Hall this verynight, by way of the paddock. Six boatloads of Rats, with pistols andcutlasses, will come up the river and effect a landing in thegarden; while a picked body of Toads, known at the Die-hards, or theDeath-or-Glory Toads, will storm the orchard and carry everything beforethem, yelling for vengeance. There won't be much left of you to wash, bythe time they've done with you, unless you clear out while you havethe chance! Then I ran away, and when I was out of sight I hid; andpresently I came creeping back along the ditch and took a peep at themthrough the hedge. They were all as nervous and flustered as could be,running all ways at once, and falling over each other, and every onegiving orders to everybody else and not listening; and the Sergeant keptsending off parties of stoats to distant parts of the grounds, and thensending other fellows to fetch 'em back again; and I heard themsaying to each other, That's just like the weasels; they're to stopcomfortably in the banqueting-hall, and have feasting and toasts andsongs and all sorts of fun, while we must stay on guard in the cold andthe dark, and in the end be cut to pieces by bloodthirsty Badgers!'
'Oh, you silly ass, Mole!' cried Toad, 'You've been and spoilteverything!'
'Mole,' said the Badger, in his dry, quiet way, 'I perceive you havemore sense in your little finger than some other animals have in thewhole of their fat bodies. You have managed excellently, and I begin tohave great hopes of you. Good Mole! Clever Mole!'
The Toad was simply wild with jealousy, more especially as he couldn'tmake out for the life of him what the Mole had done that was soparticularly clever; but, fortunately for him, before he could showtemper or expose himself to the Badger's sarcasm, the bell rang forluncheon.
It was a simple but sustaining meal--bacon and broad beans, and amacaroni pudding; and when they had quite done, the Badger settledhimself into an arm-chair, and said, 'Well, we've got our work cut outfor us to-night, and it will probably be pretty late before we're quitethrough with it; so I'm just going to take forty winks, while I can.'And he drew a handkerchief over his face and was soon snoring.
The anxious and laborious Rat at once resumed his preparations,and started running between his four little heaps, muttering,'Here's-a-belt-for-the-Rat, here's-a-belt-for-the-Mole,here's-a-belt-for-the-Toad, here's-a-belt-for-the-Badger!' and so on,with every fresh accoutrement he produced, to which there seemed reallyno end; so the Mole drew his arm through Toad's, led him out into theopen air, shoved him into a wicker chair, and made him tell him all hisadventures from beginning to end, which Toad was only too willing todo. The Mole was a good listener, and Toad, with no one to check hisstatements or to criticise in an unfriendly spirit, rather let himselfgo. Indeed, much that he related belonged more properly to the categoryof what-might-have-happened-had-I-only-thought-of-it-in-time-instead-often-minutes-afterwards. Those are always the best and the raciestadventures; and why should they not be truly ours, as much as thesomewhat inadequate things that really come off?