VI. MR. TOAD
It was a bright morning in the early part of summer; the river hadresumed its wonted banks and its accustomed pace, and a hot sun seemedto be pulling everything green and bushy and spiky up out of the earthtowards him, as if by strings. The Mole and the Water Rat had been upsince dawn, very busy on matters connected with boats and the opening ofthe boating season; painting and varnishing, mending paddles, repairingcushions, hunting for missing boat-hooks, and so on; and were finishingbreakfast in their little parlour and eagerly discussing their plans forthe day, when a heavy knock sounded at the door.
'Bother!' said the Rat, all over egg. 'See who it is, Mole, like a goodchap, since you've finished.'
The Mole went to attend the summons, and the Rat heard him utter a cryof surprise. Then he flung the parlour door open, and announced withmuch importance, 'Mr. Badger!'
This was a wonderful thing, indeed, that the Badger should pay a formalcall on them, or indeed on anybody. He generally had to be caught, ifyou wanted him badly, as he slipped quietly along a hedgerow of an earlymorning or a late evening, or else hunted up in his own house in themiddle of the Wood, which was a serious undertaking.
The Badger strode heavily into the room, and stood looking at thetwo animals with an expression full of seriousness. The Rat let hisegg-spoon fall on the table-cloth, and sat open-mouthed.
'The hour has come!' said the Badger at last with great solemnity.
'What hour?' asked the Rat uneasily, glancing at the clock on themantelpiece.
'WHOSE hour, you should rather say,' replied the Badger. 'Why, Toad'shour! The hour of Toad! I said I would take him in hand as soon as thewinter was well over, and I'm going to take him in hand to-day!'
'Toad's hour, of course!' cried the Mole delightedly. 'Hooray! Iremember now! WE'LL teach him to be a sensible Toad!'
'This very morning,' continued the Badger, taking an arm-chair, 'asI learnt last night from a trustworthy source, another new andexceptionally powerful motor-car will arrive at Toad Hall on approval orreturn. At this very moment, perhaps, Toad is busy arraying himself inthose singularly hideous habiliments so dear to him, which transform himfrom a (comparatively) good-looking Toad into an Object which throws anydecent-minded animal that comes across it into a violent fit. We mustbe up and doing, ere it is too late. You two animals will accompany meinstantly to Toad Hall, and the work of rescue shall be accomplished.'
'Right you are!' cried the Rat, starting up. 'We'll rescue the poorunhappy animal! We'll convert him! He'll be the most converted Toad thatever was before we've done with him!'
They set off up the road on their mission of mercy, Badger leading theway. Animals when in company walk in a proper and sensible manner, insingle file, instead of sprawling all across the road and being of nouse or support to each other in case of sudden trouble or danger.
They reached the carriage-drive of Toad Hall to find, as the Badger hadanticipated, a shiny new motor-car, of great size, painted a brightred (Toad's favourite colour), standing in front of the house. As theyneared the door it was flung open, and Mr. Toad, arrayed in goggles,cap, gaiters, and enormous overcoat, came swaggering down the steps,drawing on his gauntleted gloves.
'Hullo! come on, you fellows!' he cried cheerfully on catching sight ofthem. 'You're just in time to come with me for a jolly--to come for ajolly--for a--er--jolly----'
His hearty accents faltered and fell away as he noticed the sternunbending look on the countenances of his silent friends, and hisinvitation remained unfinished.
The Badger strode up the steps. 'Take him inside,' he said sternly tohis companions. Then, as Toad was hustled through the door, strugglingand protesting, he turned to the chauffeur in charge of the newmotor-car.
'I'm afraid you won't be wanted to-day,' he said. 'Mr. Toad has changedhis mind. He will not require the car. Please understand that this isfinal. You needn't wait.' Then he followed the others inside and shutthe door.
'Now then!' he said to the Toad, when the four of them stood together inthe Hall, 'first of all, take those ridiculous things off!'
'Shan't!' replied Toad, with great spirit. 'What is the meaning of thisgross outrage? I demand an instant explanation.'
'Take them off him, then, you two,' ordered the Badger briefly.
They had to lay Toad out on the floor, kicking and calling all sorts ofnames, before they could get to work properly. Then the Rat sat on him,and the Mole got his motor-clothes off him bit by bit, and they stoodhim up on his legs again. A good deal of his blustering spirit seemedto have evaporated with the removal of his fine panoply. Now that he wasmerely Toad, and no longer the Terror of the Highway, he giggledfeebly and looked from one to the other appealingly, seeming quite tounderstand the situation.
'You knew it must come to this, sooner or later, Toad,' the Badgerexplained severely.
You've disregarded all the warnings we've given you, you've gone onsquandering the money your father left you, and you're getting usanimals a bad name in the district by your furious driving and yoursmashes and your rows with the police. Independence is all very well,but we animals never allow our friends to make fools of themselvesbeyond a certain limit; and that limit you've reached. Now, you're agood fellow in many respects, and I don't want to be too hard on you.I'll make one more effort to bring you to reason. You will come withme into the smoking-room, and there you will hear some facts aboutyourself; and we'll see whether you come out of that room the same Toadthat you went in.'
He took Toad firmly by the arm, led him into the smoking-room, andclosed the door behind them.
'THAT'S no good!' said the Rat contemptuously. 'TALKING to Toad'll nevercure him. He'll SAY anything.'
They made themselves comfortable in armchairs and waited patiently.Through the closed door they could just hear the long continuous droneof the Badger's voice, rising and falling in waves of oratory; andpresently they noticed that the sermon began to be punctuated atintervals by long-drawn sobs, evidently proceeding from the bosomof Toad, who was a soft-hearted and affectionate fellow, very easilyconverted--for the time being--to any point of view.
After some three-quarters of an hour the door opened, and the Badgerreappeared, solemnly leading by the paw a very limp and dejected Toad.His skin hung baggily about him, his legs wobbled, and his cheeks werefurrowed by the tears so plentifully called forth by the Badger's movingdiscourse.
'Sit down there, Toad,' said the Badger kindly, pointing to a chair. 'Myfriends,' he went on, 'I am pleased to inform you that Toad has at lastseen the error of his ways. He is truly sorry for his misguided conductin the past, and he has undertaken to give up motor-cars entirely andfor ever. I have his solemn promise to that effect.'
'That is very good news,' said the Mole gravely.
'Very good news indeed,' observed the Rat dubiously, 'if only--IFonly----'
He was looking very hard at Toad as he said this, and could not helpthinking he perceived something vaguely resembling a twinkle in thatanimal's still sorrowful eye.
'There's only one thing more to be done,' continued the gratifiedBadger. 'Toad, I want you solemnly to repeat, before your friends here,what you fully admitted to me in the smoking-room just now. First, youare sorry for what you've done, and you see the folly of it all?'
There was a long, long pause. Toad looked desperately this way and that,while the other animals waited in grave silence. At last he spoke.
'No!' he said, a little sullenly, but stoutly; 'I'm NOT sorry. And itwasn't folly at all! It was simply glorious!'
'What?' cried the Badger, greatly scandalised. 'You backsliding animal,didn't you tell me just now, in there----'
'Oh, yes, yes, in THERE,' said Toad impatiently. 'I'd have said anythingin THERE. You're so eloquent, dear Badger, and so moving, and soconvincing, and put all your points so frightfully well--you can do whatyou like with me in THERE, and you know it. But I've been searching mymind since, and going over things in it, and I find that I'm not a bitsorry or repentant really, so it's no earthly good saying I am; now, isit?'
'Then you don't promise,' said the Badger, 'never to touch a motor-caragain?'
'Certainly not!' replied Toad emphatically. 'On the contrary, Ifaithfully promise that the very first motor-car I see, poop-poop! off Igo in it!'
'Told you so, didn't I?' observed the Rat to the Mole.
'Very well, then,' said the Badger firmly, rising to his feet. 'Sinceyou won't yield to persuasion, we'll try what force can do. I feared itwould come to this all along. You've often asked us three to come andstay with you, Toad, in this handsome house of yours; well, now we'regoing to. When we've converted you to a proper point of view we mayquit, but not before. Take him upstairs, you two, and lock him up in hisbedroom, while we arrange matters between ourselves.'
'It's for your own good, Toady, you know,' said the Rat kindly, as Toad,kicking and struggling, was hauled up the stairs by his two faithfulfriends. 'Think what fun we shall all have together, just as we used to,when you've quite got over this--this painful attack of yours!'
'We'll take great care of everything for you till you're well, Toad,'said the Mole; 'and we'll see your money isn't wasted, as it has been.'
'No more of those regrettable incidents with the police, Toad,' said theRat, as they thrust him into his bedroom.
'And no more weeks in hospital, being ordered about by female nurses,Toad,' added the Mole, turning the key on him.
They descended the stair, Toad shouting abuse at them through thekeyhole; and the three friends then met in conference on the situation.
'It's going to be a tedious business,' said the Badger, sighing. 'I'venever seen Toad so determined. However, we will see it out. He mustnever be left an instant unguarded. We shall have to take it in turns tobe with him, till the poison has worked itself out of his system.'
They arranged watches accordingly. Each animal took it in turns to sleepin Toad's room at night, and they divided the day up between them. Atfirst Toad was undoubtedly very trying to his careful guardians. Whenhis violent paroxysms possessed him he would arrange bedroom chairsin rude resemblance of a motor-car and would crouch on the foremost ofthem, bent forward and staring fixedly ahead, making uncouth andghastly noises, till the climax was reached, when, turning a completesomersault, he would lie prostrate amidst the ruins of the chairs,apparently completely satisfied for the moment. As time passed, however,these painful seizures grew gradually less frequent, and his friendsstrove to divert his mind into fresh channels. But his interest inother matters did not seem to revive, and he grew apparently languid anddepressed.
One fine morning the Rat, whose turn it was to go on duty, went upstairsto relieve Badger, whom he found fidgeting to be off and stretch hislegs in a long ramble round his wood and down his earths and burrows.'Toad's still in bed,' he told the Rat, outside the door. 'Can't getmuch out of him, except, O leave him alone, he wants nothing, perhapshe'll be better presently, it may pass off in time, don't be undulyanxious, and so on. Now, you look out, Rat! When Toad's quiet andsubmissive and playing at being the hero of a Sunday-school prize, thenhe's at his artfullest. There's sure to be something up. I know him.Well, now, I must be off.'
'How are you to-day, old chap?' inquired the Rat cheerfully, as heapproached Toad's bedside.
He had to wait some minutes for an answer. At last a feeble voicereplied, 'Thank you so much, dear Ratty! So good of you to inquire! Butfirst tell me how you are yourself, and the excellent Mole?'
'O, WE'RE all right,' replied the Rat. 'Mole,' he added incautiously,'is going out for a run round with Badger. They'll be out till luncheontime, so you and I will spend a pleasant morning together, and I'll domy best to amuse you. Now jump up, there's a good fellow, and don't liemoping there on a fine morning like this!'
'Dear, kind Rat,' murmured Toad, 'how little you realise my condition,and how very far I am from jumping up now--if ever! But do not troubleabout me. I hate being a burden to my friends, and I do not expect to beone much longer. Indeed, I almost hope not.'
'Well, I hope not, too,' said the Rat heartily. 'You've been a finebother to us all this time, and I'm glad to hear it's going to stop. Andin weather like this, and the boating season just beginning! It's toobad of you, Toad! It isn't the trouble we mind, but you're making usmiss such an awful lot.'
'I'm afraid it IS the trouble you mind, though,' replied the Toadlanguidly. 'I can quite understand it. It's natural enough. You're tiredof bothering about me. I mustn't ask you to do anything further. I'm anuisance, I know.'
'You are, indeed,' said the Rat. 'But I tell you, I'd take any troubleon earth for you, if only you'd be a sensible animal.'
'If I thought that, Ratty,' murmured Toad, more feebly than ever, 'thenI would beg you--for the last time, probably--to step round to thevillage as quickly as possible--even now it may be too late--and fetchthe doctor. But don't you bother. It's only a trouble, and perhaps wemay as well let things take their course.'
'Why, what do you want a doctor for?' inquired the Rat, coming closerand examining him. He certainly lay very still and flat, and his voicewas weaker and his manner much changed.
'Surely you have noticed of late----' murmured Toad. 'But, no--whyshould you? Noticing things is only a trouble. To-morrow, indeed, youmay be saying to yourself, O, if only I had noticed sooner! If only Ihad done something! But no; it's a trouble. Never mind--forget that Iasked.'
'Look here, old man,' said the Rat, beginning to get rather alarmed, 'ofcourse I'll fetch a doctor to you, if you really think you want him. Butyou can hardly be bad enough for that yet. Let's talk about somethingelse.'
'I fear, dear friend,' said Toad, with a sad smile, 'that talk can dolittle in a case like this--or doctors either, for that matter; still,one must grasp at the slightest straw. And, by the way--while youare about it--I HATE to give you additional trouble, but I happen toremember that you will pass the door--would you mind at the same timeasking the lawyer to step up? It would be a convenience to me, and thereare moments--perhaps I should say there is A moment--when one must facedisagreeable tasks, at whatever cost to exhausted nature!'
'A lawyer! O, he must be really bad!' the affrighted Rat said tohimself, as he hurried from the room, not forgetting, however, to lockthe door carefully behind him.
Outside, he stopped to consider. The other two were far away, and he hadno one to consult.
'It's best to be on the safe side,' he said, on reflection. 'I've knownToad fancy himself frightfully bad before, without the slightest reason;but I've never heard him ask for a lawyer! If there's nothing really thematter, the doctor will tell him he's an old ass, and cheer him up; andthat will be something gained. I'd better humour him and go; it won'ttake very long.' So he ran off to the village on his errand of mercy.
The Toad, who had hopped lightly out of bed as soon as he heard thekey turned in the lock, watched him eagerly from the window till hedisappeared down the carriage-drive. Then, laughing heartily, he dressedas quickly as possible in the smartest suit he could lay hands on at themoment, filled his pockets with cash which he took from a small drawerin the dressing-table, and next, knotting the sheets from his bedtogether and tying one end of the improvised rope round the centralmullion of the handsome Tudor window which formed such a feature of hisbedroom, he scrambled out, slid lightly to the ground, and, taking theopposite direction to the Rat, marched off lightheartedly, whistling amerry tune.
It was a gloomy luncheon for Rat when the Badger and the Mole atlength returned, and he had to face them at table with his pitiful andunconvincing story. The Badger's caustic, not to say brutal, remarks maybe imagined, and therefore passed over; but it was painful to the Ratthat even the Mole, though he took his friend's side as far as possible,could not help saying, 'You've been a bit of a duffer this time, Ratty!Toad, too, of all animals!'
'He did it awfully well,' said the crestfallen Rat.
'He did YOU awfully well!' rejoined the Badger hotly. 'However, talkingwon't mend matters. He's got clear away for the time, that's certain;and the worst of it is, he'll be so conceited with what he'll think ishis cleverness that he may commit any folly. One comfort is, we're freenow, and needn't waste any more of our precious time doing sentry-go.But we'd better continue to sleep at Toad Hall for a while longer.Toad may be brought back at any moment--on a stretcher, or between twopolicemen.'
So spoke the Badger, not knowing what the future held in store, or howmuch water, and of how turbid a character, was to run under bridgesbefore Toad should sit at ease again in his ancestral Hall.
Meanwhile, Toad, gay and irresponsible, was walking briskly along thehigh road, some miles from home. At first he had taken by-paths, andcrossed many fields, and changed his course several times, in case ofpursuit; but now, feeling by this time safe from recapture, and the sunsmiling brightly on him, and all Nature joining in a chorus of approvalto the song of self-praise that his own heart was singing to him, healmost danced along the road in his satisfaction and conceit.
'Smart piece of work that!' he remarked to himself chuckling. 'Brainagainst brute force--and brain came out on the top--as it's bound todo. Poor old Ratty! My! won't he catch it when the Badger gets back!A worthy fellow, Ratty, with many good qualities, but very littleintelligence and absolutely no education. I must take him in hand someday, and see if I can make something of him.'
Filled full of conceited thoughts such as these he strode along, hishead in the air, till he reached a little town, where the sign of'The Red Lion,' swinging across the road halfway down the main street,reminded him that he had not breakfasted that day, and that he wasexceedingly hungry after his long walk. He marched into the Inn, orderedthe best luncheon that could be provided at so short a notice, and satdown to eat it in the coffee-room.
He was about half-way through his meal when an only too familiar sound,approaching down the street, made him start and fall a-trembling allover. The poop-poop! drew nearer and nearer, the car could be heard toturn into the inn-yard and come to a stop, and Toad had to hold on tothe leg of the table to conceal his over-mastering emotion. Presentlythe party entered the coffee-room, hungry, talkative, and gay, volubleon their experiences of the morning and the merits of the chariot thathad brought them along so well. Toad listened eagerly, all ears, for atime; at last he could stand it no longer. He slipped out of theroom quietly, paid his bill at the bar, and as soon as he got outsidesauntered round quietly to the inn-yard. 'There cannot be any harm,' hesaid to himself, 'in my only just LOOKING at it!'
The car stood in the middle of the yard, quite unattended, thestable-helps and other hangers-on being all at their dinner. Toad walkedslowly round it, inspecting, criticising, musing deeply.
'I wonder,' he said to himself presently, 'I wonder if this sort of carSTARTS easily?'
Next moment, hardly knowing how it came about, he found he had hold ofthe handle and was turning it. As the familiar sound broke forth, theold passion seized on Toad and completely mastered him, body and soul.As if in a dream he found himself, somehow, seated in the driver's seat;as if in a dream, he pulled the lever and swung the car round the yardand out through the archway; and, as if in a dream, all sense ofright and wrong, all fear of obvious consequences, seemed temporarilysuspended. He increased his pace, and as the car devoured the streetand leapt forth on the high road through the open country, he was onlyconscious that he was Toad once more, Toad at his best and highest, Toadthe terror, the traffic-queller, the Lord of the lone trail, before whomall must give way or be smitten into nothingness and everlasting night.He chanted as he flew, and the car responded with sonorous drone; themiles were eaten up under him as he sped he knew not whither, fulfillinghis instincts, living his hour, reckless of what might come to him.
* * * * * *
'To my mind,' observed the Chairman of the Bench of Magistratescheerfully, 'the ONLY difficulty that presents itself in this otherwisevery clear case is, how we can possibly make it sufficiently hot for theincorrigible rogue and hardened ruffian whom we see cowering in thedock before us. Let me see: he has been found guilty, on the clearestevidence, first, of stealing a valuable motor-car; secondly, of drivingto the public danger; and, thirdly, of gross impertinence to the ruralpolice. Mr. Clerk, will you tell us, please, what is the very stiffestpenalty we can impose for each of these offences? Without, of course,giving the prisoner the benefit of any doubt, because there isn't any.'
The Clerk scratched his nose with his pen. 'Some people would consider,'he observed, 'that stealing the motor-car was the worst offence; and soit is. But cheeking the police undoubtedly carries the severest penalty;and so it ought. Supposing you were to say twelve months for thetheft, which is mild; and three years for the furious driving, which islenient; and fifteen years for the cheek, which was pretty bad sort ofcheek, judging by what we've heard from the witness-box, even if youonly believe one-tenth part of what you heard, and I never believe moremyself--those figures, if added together correctly, tot up to nineteenyears----'
'First-rate!' said the Chairman.
'--So you had better make it a round twenty years and be on the safeside,' concluded the Clerk.
'An excellent suggestion!' said the Chairman approvingly. 'Prisoner!Pull yourself together and try and stand up straight. It's going to betwenty years for you this time. And mind, if you appear before usagain, upon any charge whatever, we shall have to deal with you veryseriously!'
Then the brutal minions of the law fell upon the hapless Toad; loadedhim with chains, and dragged him from the Court House, shrieking,praying, protesting; across the marketplace, where the playful populace,always as severe upon detected crime as they are sympathetic and helpfulwhen one is merely 'wanted,' assailed him with jeers, carrots, andpopular catch-words; past hooting school children, their innocent faceslit up with the pleasure they ever derive from the sight of a gentlemanin difficulties; across the hollow-sounding drawbridge, below the spikyportcullis, under the frowning archway of the grim old castle, whoseancient towers soared high overhead; past guardrooms full of grinningsoldiery off duty, past sentries who coughed in a horrid, sarcasticway, because that is as much as a sentry on his post dare do to showhis contempt and abhorrence of crime; up time-worn winding stairs, pastmen-at-arms in casquet and corselet of steel, darting threatening looksthrough their vizards; across courtyards, where mastiffs strained attheir leash and pawed the air to get at him; past ancient warders, theirhalberds leant against the wall, dozing over a pasty and a flagon ofbrown ale; on and on, past the rack-chamber and the thumbscrew-room,past the turning that led to the private scaffold, till they reachedthe door of the grimmest dungeon that lay in the heart of the innermostkeep. There at last they paused, where an ancient gaoler sat fingering abunch of mighty keys.
'Oddsbodikins!' said the sergeant of police, taking off his helmet andwiping his forehead. 'Rouse thee, old loon, and take over from us thisvile Toad, a criminal of deepest guilt and matchless artfulness andresource. Watch and ward him with all thy skill; and mark thee well,greybeard, should aught untoward befall, thy old head shall answer forhis--and a murrain on both of them!'
The gaoler nodded grimly, laying his withered hand on the shoulder ofthe miserable Toad. The rusty key creaked in the lock, the great doorclanged behind them; and Toad was a helpless prisoner in the remotestdungeon of the best-guarded keep of the stoutest castle in all thelength and breadth of Merry England.