This isn't just about Celia now. It's about me, too.
Realising that is difficult, and guilt wraps itself around my neck, making it hard for me to breathe sometimes. But I'm slowly becoming okay with accepting that I'm allowed some happiness, too.
There isn't one thing in this world I wouldn't do to change what happened the night Celia died, but as I was a young child, I know it's not all my fault.
I park outside his house and cut the engine. I practically dive out of the car and sprint to his door.
Before I knock, the door is open, and Rocco is standing in front of me. I breathe a sigh of relief. This is my happy place.
"You okay?" he asks, frowning.
"I am now. Livvy and I had a proper conversation."
"That's bad?"
"Er, no, I don't think so."
Unless she tries to talk to me more. I'm cool with being there for her when she needs me--I want to do that--but I'm so not up for daily deep talks.
"She had an argument with Harry about uni, and I think I stopped her from running to him."
"You convinced her to break up with him?"
"Oh my God, I wish! Not break up, just wait until he realises he's being a twat and then apologises to her. She was upset that they'd had an argument, and he'd actually raised his voice this time."
"This time? They've never done that before? Haven't they been together for years?"
"Yeah, I know. I don't know if they're the freaks or if we are."
"Are you kidding me? They are! And do you plan on standing in the doorway all weekend, or can we go in the living room?"
I roll my eyes and push past him.
Holy. Sweet. Jesus.
The living room is lit with candles, and a blanket on the floor is covered in rose petals. So, he's totally taking the piss right now because I joked the other night about how cheesy it is when guys do that for sex, but it does look really romantic.
"Really?" I say sarcastically, looking at him over my shoulder.
"Clothes off, Bella."
"No, that's not how you're supposed to do it. First, you need to put on some Lionel Richie, and then you ask me to dance. We kiss, and you gently lay me down on the blanket where you make sweet, sweet love to me."
His forehead creases in a frown, and he folds his arms. "Yeah, I just wanna do you doggy-style on the floor."
Romance, meet grave.
"How have you managed to bed around fifteen women?"
"They weren't the type of women who wanted Lionel."
"Poor Mr Richie. Well, you need to learn to step up the real romance because I want some, baby!"
"You, Isabella Hastings, want romance?"
"Yes, I do. Not all the time because that would make me want to throw up, but sometimes, yeah, I do. God, you've turned me into a girl."
"Well, if you make me do the romance thing, you'll be turning me into a girl."
"Shut up, idiot. Men do romance. So...romance me."
"Right now?"
I nod.
"But I need prep time. And by that, I mean, I need to Google it."
Laughing, I walk closer to him. "You would Google romance?"
"I need to if you want something other than me fucking you on all fours."
"Fuck's sake!" I slap his arm, making him chuckle. "Stop ruining this, you wanker."
Grabbing my hand, he tugs me a few steps closer until I'm against his chest. He's lucky he has a nice chest, or I'd hit him again. His eyes are alight with humour, and it makes me swoon. I love seeing him like this.
"I don't know how to do the romance thing well, but I do know that I'm crazy about you. I love you, Bella."
He seals his lips over mine before I have a chance to tell him that I love him, too. It's not like he doesn't already know anyway.
I kiss him back, melting into him, and he leads the kiss into something hot and heavy. Rocco walks forward, forcing me to go back. His arms snake around my back, and one of his hands finds its way into my hair. And I'm lost.
TWENTY-SEVEN
* * *
ROCCO
Bella wants real romance.
Does that mean chocolate and flowers? I have fucking chocolate in the cupboard, and there are petals on the damn floor. That counts for something, right?
God, I don't have the first clue on how to do this. It's a miracle she's still here with me, and the longer we're together, the more she is going to expect from us.
Growing up, I saw my mum with a string of different men, and not a single one did anything nice for her. Mum's relationships taught me what not to do, but that doesn't mean I know what to do.
Bella sighs and snuggles into my side, tightening her arm around my chest. I love it when she can't get close enough.
I love her. I might not know what to do with her outside of the bedroom, but I won't give up.
How hard can it be to turn on the romance?
Yeah, good luck.
"You okay?" I whisper.
"Mmhmm," she mutters in her usual post-sex sleepy tone. "I like the candles."
"Good, because it's fucking boiling, and I feel like I'm going to pass out."
"Ha! That's not from the candles; that's from my awesome on-top moves."
Chuckling, I kiss her forehead. "Not gonna lie; I've never had better than you."
"Would you even remember?"
"Ruin the moment, Isabella, why don't you?"
Giggling, she pushes herself up and leans on my chest. "I'm sorry. I really don't think I need to say that you're the best I've had."
"No. After all the moaning and the, 'Oh God, yes, Rocco,' you definitely don't need to tell me."
"Now, who's ruining the moment?"
She leans down and bites my collarbone. My dick starts to stir again. When she sits back up, she's pouting. I want to take that bottom lip between my teeth.
"We're not good at moments, are we?" I ask.
"No, pretty horrible at them actually. We should definitely stay together, so we can contain our failures."
Not arguing with you.
I'll be with her for as long as she'll let me.
"Not planning on going anywhere," I reply.
The smile I get back makes my heart race. Her eyes are fucking smiling. Her eyes! I've never been around happiness like this before, and to know that I'm responsible for it is completely indescribable.
She's very quickly thawing my heart.
"I think I have about a thousand rose petals stuck to my body," Bella says, brushing a few off her arm.
"Want me to remove them with my teeth?"
"Are you ever satisfied?" she asks.
"With you? Every time. But I like to be satisfied multiple times a day."
"We've had sex twice in the last hour."
"I said, multiple."
She tilts her head, and I know what she's about to say is going to be sarcastic or cocky.
"What's your definition of multiple?"
"Nine. So, buckle up, sweetheart, because you need to service me another seven times."
Bella's eyes narrow, and she slaps my chest. "Keep talking like that, and you won't get serviced again for a very long time."
That's a lie. She loves it as much as I do, and the girl is practically a nympho.
"What do you want to do this afternoon?" I ask her.
"I don't know."
"Anything, Bella. I want to take you out."
She bites her lip, frowning, as she thinks of something. Bella's not really one for venturing out among people that often, so I can tell she's struggling.
"I want to go shopping."
"You do? Really?" That's not exactly what I wanted to hear.
"Yes, I need new underwear."
I sit up, almost knocking her over in the process, and I think I pulled a muscle from moving so fast. "Come on then. Get dressed."
Any type of shopping is something I do as little as possible, but if she's going to be choosing underwear for me to peel off that perfect body, I'm all up
for it.
Bella laughs and stands up, brushing petals from her legs. I'm not laying those out ever again even if it is to prove a point that I can do romance. Fucking things just get in the way. When I did it, I just wanted to see her reaction. I didn't think about having to clean the damn stuff up.
Twenty minutes later, we're free of petals and ready to leave. Bella's excited. She hasn't stopped smiling since I agreed to go shopping. Thank fuck I took that fight and won because, now, I have a couple thousand to spare.
I've always had enough money. It's probably because, besides rent, bills, and food, I don't buy anything. My money stash is growing, but it might never be enough to move somewhere really nice. My cut for the fights I win are decent but nowhere near the amount the organisers and bettors receive. The more I win, the more I can demand though.
Bella tugs on my arm. "Let's go!"
She can't get out the door fast enough, and my heart sinks. This is going to be one of those things where I stand, bored out of my head, while she goes in every shop. I just want the underwear one and then to go back to mine.
"All right! Fucking hell, Bella."
I slam my door shut behind us, and she's already dragging me toward my car.
"Where's the fucking fire?"
Looking over her shoulder, she grins. "I'm excited. I never thought I'd get you to go shopping with me. It's so...normal."
"I can do normal."
"Apparently so. You're not allowed to moan."
"You're not allowed to get any underwear I can't see through."
She turns her nose up. "Ew. Tacky."
"I really don't care. I want to be able to see your--"
"Let me stop you there," she says, backhanding my chest. "I love you, Rocco, but not enough to wear see-through undies."
Laughing, I throw my arm around her shoulders. "Please, you're obsessed with me. I've seen your screen saver."
"Get over yourself. That's just a really good picture of me."
"Uh-huh," I mutter.
She can't lie. I can see how she feels whenever she looks at me.
"You know what? You can piss off."
"You're doing nothing to convince me. In fact, you're only making your case worse."
She walks to the passenger side of my car and folds her arms. I stay at my side and mimic her actions. When she can admit how she feels, then I will take her to the mall. Until then, it looks like we're going to stare at each other.
Bella sighs sharply. "I don't want to play Who Can Outdo Who right now."
"Then, get in the car."
"Rocco! Come on."
"I'm not stopping you, Bella."
"Yes, you are!"
"No, your stubborn nature is stopping you."
I love messing with her. When she gets angry and her eyes turn deadly and her posture is hostile, I get so excited. She's perfect in every way, and I don't know how I got so lucky, but I'm glad I did.
"Fine, but if you don't get in the car, we can't leave...and if we don't leave, you don't get to see me modelling my slutty new underwear."
"Well, hold on a second. How slutty are we talking?"
It might be worth letting her win this one. My girl is beautiful in everything I've seen so far, but I really want to see her in slutty underwear.
Her eyebrow lifts. "Very slutty."
Shit.
"Fine."
Happily admitting defeat for the first time in my life, I rip my car door open and get inside. Bella gets in next, and as I look over, I wish I hadn't conceded. She's smug. So smug.
"To the shops, Batman," she says, pointing out the window.
"Batman?"
"Oh my God, please tell me you've heard of Batman?"
"Yes, of course, I have. But I don't know why you're calling me it."
"Jesus," she mutters, widening her eyes. "Forget it. Let's go."
I start the engine, still fucking clueless, and pull onto the road. Some of the shit she talks about has me scratching my head.
"Ugh, Livvy texted me."
"Everything okay?" I'm not letting her go. I don't care if her sister is still crying over her dickhead boyfriend.
"Yeah, she just said that Harry's tried calling three times already."
"What's wrong with him? Why is he blowing up her phone?"
Bella rolls her eyes. "He's an idiot. I'll deal with Livvy later. It'll only wind me up because she'll bitch about him, take nothing I say on board, and apologise for whatever crap he's done."
"Relationships are fucking stupid."
She smirks and nudges my arm. "'We're all mad here.'"
"What?"
With a sigh, she slowly shakes her head. "Jesus. Don't worry about it."
Ah, it's from a TV show or a movie.
I don't see why she can't use her own words rather than stealing shit from movies or TV or books or wherever else the fuck she gets it. I know of certain films and characters, but I wouldn't have a clue where any quotes were from.
We park at the shopping centre, and Bella leads the way.
"Here first," she says, stopping dead and almost pulling me over as I'm still walking.
I look up at the shop. Ann Summers. Right, never been in here before. It looks full of ladies' underwear though, so I'm down. We step inside, and I want to buy it all. She's gorgeous, and I know she could rock anything on these shelves.
Bella starts to look at different sets, touching the fabric and reading the labels. She would look amazing in everything in here.
Curling my arms around her waist, I whisper in her ear, "Something see-through. There's a couple over on the other side of the shop."
She laughs and shakes her head. "Nope."
"Crotchless?" I say just for the reaction I know I'll get.
Immediately, she tries to get away, probably so that she can whack me, but I hold on tight.
"I don't think so."
"You're disgusting, Rocco."
"I was kidding, Bella."
"I don't believe you. But you want to come to the special room with me?"
What?
"They let you do that here?"
What kind of shop is this?
"Seriously? It's not like that!"
She grabs my hand, and I drop my arms.
"You're going to like this."
We go through a door, which has an eighteen-plus sign on it.
This is looking positive.
"Ah," I say as all the fun stuff comes into view. There are a lot of toys, and I think I would like to pretty much use every single one with her.
She smiles, and her eyes are heated. "See?"
"Pick up whatever you want, and if you think you're leaving my flat for the rest of the weekend, you're very fucking mistaken."
"Shh!" Bella hushes, slapping my chest with the back of her hand. "Whisper! We're in public."
Before I can tell her that I don't give one fuck about who's listening, she grabs something.
"Ooh, this!"
Er...
I give her a look. "We're not buying a vibrator that's bigger than me." The thing is fucking massive, easily the size of my forearm.
"I'm kidding. That'd hurt like a bitch, and you're--" She bites her lip, her cheeks turning the lightest pink.
"Whoa, hold up. I'm what?"
"You're...not going to want to use that either."
"No, tell me what you were really going to say."
"I don't want you to get a big head."
I step closer to her, completely taking over her personal space. "You think I'm big?"
"Maybe. Now, choose some toys, and let's go home."
Home.
Bella calling my place home should scare me. It doesn't. Damn it, I need to be more realistic about this. I can't get myself out of the life I have, and she deserves much more.
What can I do? I love her too much.
TWENTY-EIGHT
* * *
ROCCO
I lead Bella back to my car because, by the way she's looking
around, it's clear that she's forgotten where we parked. Good thing she didn't come here alone, or she'd never find her car and get home. Especially with that pointless tiny thing she drives.
I walk to the driver's side, open the door, and chuck her bags on the backseat. Bella looks at me over the roof, on her tiptoes, and raises her eyebrow.
"What?" I ask.
"You know, if you were a gentleman, you would open my door for me."
"Just get in the car, Isabella."
Laughing to herself, she opens her door.
Does she say shit like that just for a reaction?
She must because I've made it abundantly clear that I'm not the fluffy gentleman type.
I get in and turn the engine on.
"Let's get home, sunshine," she says, dropping down in the seat and slamming the door shut.
Her sarcastically sweet smile makes me grit my teeth.
She's definitely doing it on purpose.
I tear out of the car park, gripping the steering wheel like my life depends on it.
Why do I let her wind me up?
"You'd better change into one of those sets the second we get in," I mutter. The more I think about her in that underwear, the more my frustration with her melts away.
"Okay, but first, can you stop at the supermarket?"
"Why? I have food."
I've started shopping now that I have her. When she's hungry, she's a fucking nightmare.
Her eyes flicker with heat. "Uh-huh. I was going to get whipped cream though."
I grip the steering wheel harder and almost crash the damn car in the process. "What?"
"We've never done that before."
"No, we haven't. I'm down," I say. Whacking the indicator, ready to turn right at the light, I head to the supermarket near home.
We both go in and get the whipped cream--two cans. I'm pretty sure, from the smirk on the guy at the counter, it's obvious what we're about to do.
Bella leans over while I shove my card in the machine and whispers, "We should've bought a cucumber and condoms, too."
I cut her a look and take my card back. She would absolutely do that, too.
"Cheers, man," I say to the guy as he hands me the receipt.
We head back out to the car.
Bella's smiling like it's Christmas as we head along the side of the building to the car park.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a man dressed entirely in black with his hood pulled over his head. He raises his hand and--
Bang.
Bella gasps and grabs ahold of my arm. She's scared.
Fuck.