Carissa dropped the bowl of carrots and watched them roll across the cement.
“I’ll wait for you to call me back. If you don’t want to talk about this until you get home, then I guess we’ll have to wait to talk it through then. I’m just pretty much at a loss as to what’s going on with you.”
Carissa couldn’t believe her husband’s message. How could he have reached such a conclusion?
She called him back immediately and listened to the greeting on his voice mail. “Richard, listen. I didn’t have phone service for the last few days, but I’m back at the cottage now, and everything you were imagining isn’t true. I’m not with anyone. I didn’t meet anyone over here. And about the camping trip, it wasn’t that unusual, really. It’s something I wanted to do. If you were over here, it would have made sense to you. Everything is okay. Or at least I hope it’s okay. It is with me. I hope you’re okay. I think we can get through this. I think we can work things out.”
The allotted message time ended, and Carissa hung up. She pictured Richard in Denver, trying to give important presentations yet all the while wondering if she was being faithful to him. She felt horrible for him and felt guilty for having even entertained those fleeting unfaithful thoughts about Kai.
Why did I seek the attention of a man—of Kai—when I felt so unsettled with Richard? Did I think Kai could somehow comfort me? I guess I wanted to know that, if my marriage was over, I would have someone who would be there for me. Not just someone. A man. A caring man, whose broad shoulder I could cry on.
Aloud, Carissa spoke a truth she hadn’t let herself ever admit before. “I want my father.”
A lifetime of longing was wrapped up in that statement. But the truth was, she couldn’t have what she wanted.
In the midst of that poignant reality came an unexpected assurance that rested on her. The assurance made no sense. It was simple. She could name the desire, even if she couldn’t have it. She could acknowledge the loss and know that it never would be fulfilled by the earthly human who had abandoned her.
However …
Ke Akua. The Hawaiian name for God came to her clearly, as if she already knew him by that name. She couldn’t have what she wanted, but she could have God, and he would be to her the Father she longed for.
“Ke Akua,” she whispered.
That was as far as she got in her prayer. Her phone rang the customized ring she knew was Richard’s.
16
“Mamua ke ku nei ka pae pu’u
He kino mai ka honua
Mai kino hi ‘oe e ke Akua
A mau loa ano.”
“Before the hills in order stood
Or earth received her frame
From everlasting thou art God
To endless years the same.”
CARISSA REACHED FOR HER phone and noticed her hand was trembling slightly. “Richard?”
“Hi.”
“Hi.” Carissa switched the phone to her other ear so she could hear better. “How are you doing?”
“I’ve been better.”
Her heart fluttered nervously.
“Did you get my message?”
“No. I just saw that you called. I have to be on a panel at a workshop in ten minutes.”
“I won’t keep you then. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t come here to be with anyone. What you said in your last message, there’s no truth to it. I’m not having an affair. Not at all.” Carissa wished she could see his face. She would know what he was thinking. Moreover, he would be able to see her face and read all the hurt and uncertainty she had been struggling with. He would know that while her heart had been confused and wobbly, she had been true to him.
“I appreciate your telling me that.” His voice turned tender. He sounded relieved. “Everything has been so unlike you lately—the secretiveness, the lack of communication. I haven’t been able to figure out what’s going on.”
She knew it drove him crazy when he couldn’t diagnose a lineup of symptoms. To help him out, she said, “I’m struggling with some stuff. I’m not sure I can even explain what it is exactly, but I’m working on it.”
As vulnerable as she wanted to be with her husband, she would prefer to say these deeper things when they were together, face-to-face.
“I’ve been working through some issues as well. Listen, like I said to you a few days ago before your phone cut out, I’m sorry I wasn’t more sensitive to you the night the police came to the house. You were right. I should have thought of you first and done what I could to make you feel protected.”
Her eyes teared up. “I know. I’m sorry I shut you out and stopped communicating. I shouldn’t have pulled back the way I did.”
“I understand. You were hit with a lot all at once. I don’t think I did a very good job of being there for you. I wasn’t very patient. Will you forgive me?”
“Yes. Will you forgive me for shutting you out?”
“Of course.”
Carissa swiped at the tears that were now trickling down her cheeks.
“I know you and I have a lot more to talk through …” He paused, and she could picture him checking his watch. “I have to go. I hope you believe me when I tell you that I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
“I love you, too. I wish I were with you right now. Better yet, I wish you were here with me on Maui.”
“Believe me, I do, too. I have to go. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay. Love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Closing her phone and leaning back in the lounge chair, Carissa released a deep breath. She felt lighter. Calmer. Happier and more at rest than she had been the whole time on the island. She felt loved.
Under that covering of returning contentment, she closed her eyes and settled into the sort of slumber she had hoped to experience since the day she had arrived. When she woke from her nap, the first thing she saw was a small brown bird with a bright red face and top feather, pecking at one of the carrots on the patio. She didn’t move. The bird twisted its head, looking at her, then back at the carrot, then back at her.
With a flit, the bird left, apparently disinterested in the carrot now that Carissa was awake.
“I have a few goodies that might interest you more than a carrot,” she said.
Going inside the cottage, she plugged her phone back in to let it recharge and went through her food stash, pulling out a piece of bread as well as some cookies. Back to the patio she went. From the lounge chair, she crumpled up the bread into crumbs and tossed it near the carrot.
“I have cookies.” She crumbled up the cookies and sprinkled them on the ground.
Three birds came hopping in from the shrubs and poked around at the crumbs, nibbling their treat.
I wish I could write a poem about how it feels to be on the mend with Richard, to be in Hawaii feeding the birds.
She tried to compose a few lines in her head but didn’t get anywhere. She couldn’t think of a flattering word that rhymed with “birds.” Settling instead on reading one of the books from her to-be-read stack, Carissa went back inside. She gathered up the books, more iced tea, and a plate of cookies, which she planned to share with her new fine-feathered friends.
A text came through on her phone while she stood in the kitchen. She checked and saw it was from Ruthie. She hadn’t told her friend from work that she was going to Maui, either. Instead of calling back now and trying to explain everything, she sent a text promising to call her in a few days. The best part about Ruthie was that she would understand the simplicity in the message and know that Carissa was doing okay.
When Richard called back two hours later, he sounded much better than when he had phoned earlier.
“How did the panel discussion go?”
“Much better than I expected. One of the specialists for the NWCA was in the audience. Afterward, he asked if I could meet him in the morning for coffee before my flight goes out.”
Carissa assumed that was a good thing. She ha
d given up long ago trying to decipher what all the abbreviations stood for in Richard’s long list of organizations and associations.
“I’m so glad you called me before I had to go up on that panel,” he said. “What you told me took a heaviness off me.”
“I feel the same way. I know we have a lot to figure out, but I don’t ever want to go into that deep valley again.”
“We need to communicate,” he said adamantly.
“I know.”
“So, can you explain this camping trip to me? That part still has me mystified.”
Carissa relayed the highlights to Richard, starting with why the adventure appealed to her. She told him about the elk burger and the difficult drive over the rocky road and how the stars looked at night. She told him what she loved the most was swimming in the pools with Irene. She talked about Kai, Tony, and Joel and about the visit to Lindbergh’s grave.
Then, because her heart was so open to her husband at that moment and she felt it was best to tell him everything, she did something she couldn’t remember ever doing before. “Richard, you know how sometimes over the years you’ve told me when you’re struggling with inappropriate thoughts toward another woman?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve said in the past that you tell me what you’re thinking so that it diffuses the potential of what might happen if those thoughts went unchecked.”
“Right.”
“Well, I don’t think I’ve ever made the same sort of confession to you, but I need to do that now. When we were camping, I opened my thoughts to the possibility of what it would be like to be romantically involved with Kai.”
Carissa paused. She couldn’t believe she was saying this to her husband. But as she spoke it, the already withered fantasy turned into dust and dissipated with a puff. She understood why Richard had made that sort of confession to her in the past. Honesty and transparency were powerful dragon slayers.
All the potential went out of the possibility when the truth was pulled out of the darkness and set up in the light.
“And did anything happen between you and Kai?”
“No. Nothing happened. And I’m certain the fleeting attraction was on my part only. The crazy thing was that the next day, after I had some of those inklings, Kai shared with me that he helps lead a recovery group at his church. He said he struggled with sexual addiction and had been clean for eight years.”
“He offered that information to you?”
“Not right away. I was talking about you, about what you do, and I kind of got going on some of the stuff you talk about in your lectures. He came to me privately afterward and said that everything I was quoting from you was right on. Kai said he wished he had met you twenty years ago. He would have had a different life.”
Richard’s end of the phone was quiet for a moment before he asked, “What did you tell him?”
“He said you must be an exceptional man, and I said that you were. And Richard? I felt really proud of you. Proud of who you are and proud of what you do.”
Again his end of the phone was quiet.
“Are you still there?”
“I’m here.” His voice was softer. “I can’t remember hearing you say those sorts of things for a long time, Carissa. Thank you.”
“I meant what I said.”
“I believe you. Now I need to confess something to you. I had a hard time my first night here with the options on the television in my hotel room. I rented a movie, thinking that it would be okay, but it turned out to be pretty vile.”
“What did you do?”
“I turned it off and ate all the salty food in the minibar. I have to tell you, I paid way too much for a bunch of peanuts and a candy bar.”
Carissa smiled. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. I’ve really missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too.”
Their conversation continued another ten minutes as they exchanged sweet verbal affections before her phone beeped. “My battery is running low. I think I’m going to need a new phone battery pretty soon.”
“Call me later if you can.”
“Okay, I will. I love you.”
“I love you.”
When she hung up, she felt a small ache of separation that she hadn’t experienced since she was a teenager and her mom had put her on phone restriction. Her mother had decided during Carissa’s senior year that Carissa and Richard were spending too much time on long, “moonie” phone conversations.
According to her mother, that was the time for Carissa to focus on her studies and pull up her grades as best she could. Even though Carissa’s plans were to go to community college, and her grades had been just fine to sail her through admissions, her mother was on a kick to prepare her children for lucrative careers so they would never be dependent on a man for their livelihood the way she had been.
What Carissa’s mom didn’t know was that Richard and Carissa had privately promised themselves to each other. They attended different high schools; so every evening during those long, moonie conversations they were planning their engagement announcement and subsequent wedding.
Carissa thought about how hard it had seemed back then to wait until they could be together fully, as man and wife. They had promised each other they would go no further than kissing while they were dating, which felt like torture at the time. All further expressions of intimacy, they decided, were saved for marriage.
With no encouragement from either set of parents, Carissa and Richard’s track record stayed commendably on target. They reached their goal and entered their honeymoon with an innocence and fulfillment of pleasure that was far beyond their hopes.
That choice so many years ago seemed to be more significant now than she had ever realized. She and Richard had never been with anyone else. That single-hearted focus might have helped both of them during this brief season of separation to remain faithful to each other.
Carissa was about to return to her book when her phone rang again. Richard’s ring. She grinned and hurried over to the counter in the kitchen where the phone was plugged in.
“Hello. So it’s you again,” she said in a playful voice.
“I miss you.”
She laughed. “Is that what you called to tell me?”
“Yes. I miss you. Are you sure you don’t want to come home tomorrow?”
“I don’t know how much it would cost to change my flight. Besides, I agreed to go to Oahu tomorrow with Irene. Did I tell you that?”
“No. What’s that all about?”
She reviewed the details about Irene and her love of Hawaiian history and that Dan was on the mainland so Carissa had agreed to accompany Irene.
He had one question for her after she went through the specifics. “Is Kai going?”
“No. Seriously, Richard, you don’t have to worry about him. Not at all.”
“He’s struggling with the same issues my clients wrestle with. I know what goes on in his mind. You’re a beautiful woman, Carissa. I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you.”
Inwardly she felt the embers of her love for Richard warming into a nice glow. Those were the words she had longed to hear from him during the time of their disconnection. For him to give them to her now meant that they were in his heart, even if he hadn’t expressed them when she needed them most. In her heart, she felt the stirrings of new love.
New love with an old husband.
“So what are you going to do tonight?” he asked.
“I need to check with Irene and see what time we have to leave in the morning. I also thought I might walk on the beach.”
“Then I hope you take advantage of it and enjoy your final days. Take a picture of the sunset for me.”
“Okay, I will.”
Carissa decided to do more than just walk on the beach at sunset. She changed into her bathing suit, borrowed Irene’s car, and drove down. The beach was filled with groups having picnics. She slid past all of them and went in the wat
er at the same place she had gone in earlier that week for her morning swim.
The water felt different at dusk. It was warm and languid, as if even the waves were slowing down just a bit at the end of the day. Ducking all the way under and stretching her arms and legs, Carissa swam with renewed vigor.
Hope is a wonderful thing. And love. Love is so powerful. I can’t believe how different I feel since Richard and I talked. I wish he were here.
As soon as the sun began to make its exit, Carissa emerged from the water and sat on the shore, wrapped in a beach towel, and took pictures. She wouldn’t call it a stunning sunset. There were so many clouds on the horizon the sun seemed to disappear without turning them into the mauve and tangerine shades that she expected would mark every tropical sunset.
When she pulled Irene’s car back into the garage, the gas tank was filled. She had also run it through a car wash.
Entering through the back door into the kitchen, she called out a hello.
Irene was seated at the table, busily writing with a pen, copying something from one of her many history books.
“I wanted to check to see what time we need to leave in the morning.”
“Five.”
“Seriously?”
Irene turned and looked at Carissa over the top of her glasses. “Do you want to change your mind about going?”
“No. I just didn’t expect it to be so early. I’ll be ready.”
Carissa noticed a pan of water on the stove that had boiled down to almost nothing.
“Did you want to have this pan on the stove? The heat is still on.”
“Oh dear, I completely forgot. I was going to make some noodles.” Irene started to get up, pressing both hands on the table and appearing to have quite a bit of difficulty standing.
“Why don’t you let me do this? You can finish up whatever you need to do there.”
Irene lowered herself back into the chair. “That would be wonderful. I’m afraid I got caught up in trying to track down a missing detail in Ka’ahumanu’s life.”