Very carefully, he sheathed his sword. He slung his shield over his shoulder and opened the leather sack. He knelt, keeping his eyes fixed on the cave ceiling, and grabbed the head of Medusa by its dead, snaky hair. He stuffed the head into the bag and made sure the drawstring was tightly tied.
For the first time in several minutes, Perseus exhaled.
He’d done it. He looked at the headless body of Medusa sprawled across the cot. On the floor, dark blood pooled, swirling and making strange patterns. Was blood supposed to do that?
Two forms began to grow from the pool – swelling and rising as Medusa’s body withered away to nothing.
Perseus watched, transfixed, as a full-size stallion burst out of the liquid like it was charging through a doorway. The horse reared and whinnied, spreading eagle-like wings still flecked with blood.
Perseus didn’t realize it, but he’d just witnessed the birth of Pegasus, the first winged horse.
Then the second shape burst out of the blood: a man in golden armour with a gold sword in his hand. Later he would be named Chrysaor, the golden warrior, and he must’ve inherited some of his mother’s looks, because Perseus backed away from him really quick.
You’re probably wondering: why were Medusa’s kids a golden warrior and a winged horse? And how had they been stuck in Medusa’s body all those years?
Heck, I dunno. I’m just telling you how it was. You want stuff to make sense, you’re in the wrong universe.
I don’t know if Chrysaor would’ve fought Perseus or thanked him or what, but before they could even exchange phone numbers Perseus backed into one of the marble statues. It toppled into another statue, which toppled into another, domino-style, and … well, you get the idea. The cave filled with the sound of shattering stone heroes.
‘Oops,’ Perseus said.
From the left side of the cavern, a female voice hissed: ‘Medusa! What is wrong?’
From the right, the third Gorgon hissed back: ‘Intruder! Murderer!’
Perseus still wore his invisibility hat, but he wasn’t going to trust that to protect him. He kick-started his winged sandals and blasted out of the cave at full speed.
The two Gorgons screamed and launched after him. Their gold wings beat the air like crashing cymbals. The sound got louder, but Perseus didn’t dare look back. He willed his sandals to give him more speed. The little dove wings began to burn against his ankles. Something scraped at the sole of his shoe, and he had a bad feeling it was a Gorgon’s claw.
In a desperate move, he spiralled so the sunlight flashed off the shield on his back. The Gorgons shrieked, momentarily blinded, and Perseus sped upward into the clouds.
A few hours later, he was pretty sure he’d lost the Gorgons, but he didn’t stop until his sandals began to smoke. At that point, FAA regulations say, you really have to land and do a safety check.
Perseus came to rest on a barren outcropping of rock in the middle of the sea. In all directions, he saw only water, but he could make out the last glow of sunset on the horizon.
‘Well,’ he said to himself, ‘at least I know that direction is west. If I fly that way, I should eventually get home.’
Wrong. Dude must not have been paying attention while he was trying to get away from the Gorgons. Either that or he was using Apple Maps, because he was totally off course.
The next time he spotted land, it wasn’t the island of Seriphos. It was a big swathe of mainland: burnt red hills and sandy desert stretching as far as he could see in the moonlight.
Perseus had studied some geography at the temple of Athena. He could only think of one place that looked like this. ‘Africa? Is this seriously Africa?’
Yep. It was the coast of Africa, which meant Perseus had flown way too far south.
At that point he was so tired, hungry and thirsty he didn’t care. He figured he would find a town, get directions and rest for a while. He flew along the coast until sunrise, when he spotted the towers of a city in the distance.
‘Hooray,’ he said to himself. ‘Cities mean people! I like people!’
As he flew closer, he saw that something weird was going on. Several thousand people had gathered along the docks of the harbour. They were staring at the water as if they were waiting for something. Towards the back of the crowd, a silk pavilion was set up, where it looked like the king and queen of the city were observing whatever was going on.
At the entrance to the harbour, a single spire of jagged rock jutted up from the sea. On a tiny ledge about forty feet above the waves, chained to the rock, was a teenage girl.
This is not normal behaviour, Perseus thought. He took off his cap of invisibility so as not to startle the girl (like a dude with winged shoes flying towards you out of nowhere isn’t startling) and flew down to see her.
The girl was strangely calm. She stared at him with beautiful dark eyes. Her hair was as black as ebony, her skin like polished copper. She wore only a plain green dress that showed off her lovely arms and neck.
Perseus hovered next to her in the air. ‘Uh. Um …’ He tried to remember how to form a complete sentence. He was pretty sure he’d been able to do that a few moments before.
‘You shouldn’t be here,’ the girl told him. ‘The sea monster will be here any second to kill me.’
‘Sea monster?’ Perseus snapped out of his daze. ‘What’s going on? Why are you chained to this rock?’
‘Because my parents are super lame.’
‘Okay … details?’
‘My name is Andromeda. I’m the princess of that kingdom over there – Aethiopia.’
‘You mean your parents are the king and the queen?’ Perseus asked. ‘And they let you be chained out here?’
Andromeda rolled her gorgeous eyes. ‘It was their idea! Long story. My mom – Queen Kassiopeia – she’s totally vain. About a year ago she started bragging that she was even more beautiful than Poseidon’s Nereids.’
‘Oh, snap.’ Perseus had never met a Nereid, but he’d heard about them. They were Poseidon’s troupe of underwater sea goddesses, and they were supposedly stunning. He also knew that the gods hated it when humans compared themselves to immortals.
‘Yeah,’ Andromeda agreed. ‘So Poseidon got angry and sent this stupid sea monster to terrorize our city. It’s been sinking ships, blowtorching the harbour, chomping up the fishermen and totally making it impossible to get a tan on the beach. So this stupid local priest or whatever, he told my dad, King Cepheus, that the only way to make Poseidon happy was to chain me to this rock as a human sacrifice.’
‘That’s messed up,’ Perseus said. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’
‘I tried to explain that to the townspeople. It didn’t go over so well.’
‘You don’t seem very frightened.’
Andromeda shrugged as best she could with her arms in chains. ‘There’s not much I can do about it. Besides, getting killed by a sea monster doesn’t sound as bad as living with my jerk parents. If they think I’m going to scream and plead for my life, I’m not giving them the satisfaction. When that monster shows up, I plan on cussing at him so bad his little aquatic ears will bleed. I’ve been practising.’
Perseus thought for a moment. ‘I’m sure your cuss words are formidable. But what if there’s another way? What if I cut you free and save you?’
‘That would be cool,’ Andromeda said. ‘But it doesn’t solve the sea-monster problem. I mean, the townspeople were pretty horrible to me, but I don’t want the sea monster to slaughter them. Besides, the monster would probably follow me wherever I lived.’
‘Nah,’ Perseus said. ‘Because I’ll kill him.’
Andromeda stared at him. ‘No offence. You’re cute. And I’m sure you’re brave. But the sea monster is, like … Well, actually, there he is now.’
Next to the spire of rock, the water boiled. The sea monster reared his dump-truck-sized head. His face was covered in greenish-blue scales. Needle-sharp teeth lined his mouth. His neck arched out of the water until his ye
llow reptilian eyes were even with Andromeda’s perch. Below sea level, the shadow of the thing’s huge body looked like Nessie on steroids.
The monster hissed, spewing drool and flames. He’d apparently been eating whales for appetizers, because his breath was ultra rank.
On the shore, the townspeople screamed and yelled. Perseus couldn’t tell if they were terrified or just excited.
After fighting Medusa, though, Perseus wasn’t too impressed with this sea monster.
‘Andromeda,’ he said, ‘close your eyes.’
‘Okay.’
‘Hey, buddy,’ Perseus asked the monster, ‘you wanna see what I got in the bag?’
The sea monster tilted his huge head. He wasn’t used to mortals talking to him so calmly. Also, he loved surprises.
Perseus closed his eyes and pulled out the head of Medusa.
A crackling sound ran down the length of the monster’s body, like a lake flash-freezing.
Perseus counted to three. He stuffed Medusa’s head back in the bag and opened his eyes.
The monster had turned into the world’s largest sand sculpture. As Perseus watched, it crumbled back into the ocean.
‘Uh,’ Andromeda said, ‘can I look now?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Is it gross?’
‘No, not really.’
Andromeda stared down at the huge patch of monster dust swirling in the waves. ‘Wow. How did you do that?’
Perseus explained about the head of Medusa. Andromeda glanced at the bag hanging from his belt. ‘Cool. So about these chains …’
Perseus cut her free. ‘You want to get married or something?’
‘Sounds awesome,’ Andromeda said.
‘Can I get a hug?’
‘You can absolutely get a hug.’
That’s when Perseus knew it was true love. They hugged and kissed. Then he grabbed her around the waist and they flew to the city.
They landed at the king and queen’s pavilion. As you can imagine, a Greek warrior flying out of the sky after turning a monster to dust gets a lot of oohs and aahs. Andromeda explained what had happened and announced that she had decided to marry this handsome Greek prince.
‘Unless there are any objections,’ Perseus added.
King Cepheus looked at the son of Zeus with his buff muscles and his winged shoes, his blood-splattered armour and his extremely sharp-looking sword.
‘No objections!’ the king announced.
The queen gulped like she was trying to swallow a dry scone.
‘Great!’ Perseus said. ‘I want you guys to give thanks to the gods for my victory, okay? And, you know, to apologize for being boneheads. On that rock spire where you chained your daughter, I want you to build three shrines. The one on the left should be to Hermes. The one on the right will be for Athena. And the one in the middle will be for Zeus. If Poseidon gets mad about his sea monster being killed, well … those shrines should convince him this city is under the other three gods’ protection. Unless he wants a war with them, he’ll back off. And while you’re at it, sacrifice some cows for the gods.’
‘Cows,’ the king said.
‘Yeah. Three should be good. Now, let’s have a marriage feast!’
The crowd, which had been cheering for Andromeda’s death a moment ago, now cheered for her marriage. The king and queen hastily arranged a party at the palace with lots of feasting and clogging and square-dancing or whatever else those crazy Aethiopians did when they busted loose. Queen Kassiopeia spent most of her time admiring her reflection in Perseus’s shield. (Because some people never learn.)
Unfortunately, not everyone was happy about the marriage. This local rich dude named Phineas had been promised Andromeda’s hand in marriage, back before the whole sea- monster problem. Now that the danger was past, Phineas got angry that his future bride had been given away to some Greek with a flashy sword and a head in a sack.
During the feast, Phineas gathered fifty of his toughest friends. They drank too much wine, talked some trash and decided they could totally take down this newcomer Perseus.
They charged into the dining hall, waving weapons and making noise.
‘Give me back my wife, you scum!’ Phineas threw a spear at Perseus, but since Phineas had been drinking the spear sailed over Perseus’s head.
(Let that be a lesson to you, kids. Don’t drink and throw spears.)
Perseus rose from the table. ‘Who is this joker?’
‘That’s Phineas,’ Andromeda grumbled.
‘What kind of name is Phineas? Sounds like a cartoon character.’
‘He’s a local rich jerk,’ Andromeda said. ‘Thinks he owns me.’
‘Would it be okay with you if he died, like, suddenly and violently?’
‘I could live with my grief,’ said the princess.
‘You heard her, Phineas,’ Perseus warned. ‘You and your friends leave while you can.’
‘Scummy Greek!’ Phineas yelled. ‘Let’s get him!’
Another piece of advice: Let’s Get Him! is a terrible thing to be carved on your tombstone as your last words.
Fifty Aethiopian warriors charged, and Perseus went to work.
Did I mention that he was the best warrior in Seriphos? Well, it turned out he was the best warrior pretty much anywhere. He lopped off one guy’s head. He stabbed another guy in the chest. He sliced the arms and legs off several others and basically turned the feast into a bloodbath.
Phineas bravely stayed at the back of the crowd, chucking spears and missing. Finally Perseus got annoyed with that. He caught one of the spears and threw it back. It would have impaled Phineas, but at the last second, Phineas ducked behind a statue of Athena. The spear clanged off the goddess’s stone shield.
‘Oh, that’s low!’ Perseus yelled. ‘Hiding behind my favourite goddess!’
He got even angrier. He killed more guys.
Ultimately Perseus backed Phineas and his remaining friends into a corner.
‘Give up,’ he said. ‘I’m getting tired of this, and you got blood all over my wedding outfit.’
‘We’ll never surrender!’ cried Phineas. His friends brandished their swords, though they didn’t look quite as sure about it any more.
‘Okay, whatever,’ Perseus said. ‘I warned you.’ He shouted so everyone in the room could hear. ‘Anyone who’s a friend of mine, cover your eyes! I’m bringing out the head of Medusa!’
The smart people all covered their eyes.
‘Oh, please!’ Phineas said. ‘He’s just trying to fool us with his lies. That sea monster was probably just a clever illusion he conjured up to make himself look tough. He doesn’t really have Medusa’s head in his –’
Perseus brought out Medusa’s head. Phineas and all his friends turned to stone.
Perseus put the head back in the sack and wiped his bloody sword on the nearest curtain. He looked at his new in-laws, the king and queen.
‘Sorry about the mess,’ he said.
‘No problem,’ the king squeaked.
The queen didn’t respond. She was too busy checking out her reflection in her goblet.
‘Andromeda,’ said Perseus, ‘you ready to get out of here?’
‘Yeah.’ The princess gave her parents one last contemptuous look. ‘This kingdom blows.’
Together they flew off into the sunset, heading for Seriphos after carefully checking the best route on Apple Maps.
At this point, the Ancient Greek and Roman writers added a bunch of side adventures for Perseus. They claimed he visited Italy and a dozen different islands, but I think they just wanted to get in on the Perseus tourism boom. Like: ‘Perseus slept here!’ And: ‘Get your photo taken on the spot where Perseus killed the fearsome Warthog of Malta!’ I don’t buy all that.
One story even told how Perseus flew to the western edge of Africa, saw the Titan Atlas, who was holding up the sky, and turned Atlas to stone with Medusa’s head. They claim that’s where the Atlas Mountains in North Africa came from.
/> I don’t buy that either, because 1) Medusa’s head couldn’t turn immortals to stone, 2) Atlas appears in a bunch of other stories later on, very much alive, and 3) I’ve met Atlas personally, and he was definitely not a statue. Hard-headed, yes, but not a statue.
Eventually, Perseus and Andromeda found their way back to the island of Seriphos. When they arrived, they got a shock even worse than a pack of Gorgons.
The whole city was decked out with banners and flowers. It looked like someone important was getting married, and Perseus had a sinking feeling it wasn’t the king’s old friend what’s-her-name.
He and Andromeda swooped over the castle walls. They flew through a window straight into the throne room, where a crowd was assembled for the wedding ceremony.
King Polydectes stood on his dais, dressed in white and gold, a big smile on his face as two burly guards hauled Perseus’s mother, Danaë, towards the throne. She struggled and screamed, but no one tried to help her except the king’s brother, the fisherman Dictys, who had rescued Danaë and Perseus from the sea many years before. As Perseus watched, the fisherman tried to pull off one of the guards, but the guard cuffed the old man in the face and knocked him to the floor.
‘STOP!’ Perseus roared. He and Andromeda landed in the middle of the room. The crowd gasped and fell back.
King Polydectes blanched. He couldn’t believe Perseus was back, alive, now. The kid couldn’t wait another five minutes? Also, the king didn’t like the look of Perseus’s new sword, or the bloody leather sack tied to his belt. But, since they had an audience, the king put on his brave face.
‘Well, look who it is,’ Polydectes sneered. ‘The ungrateful waif who makes big promises! Why have you returned, boy? To make excuses for your failure?’
‘Oh, I found Medusa.’ Perseus kept his voice calm and level. He raised the leather pouch. ‘Here’s her head, just as I promised. Now what exactly is going on?’
‘It’s simple!’ the king said. ‘Your mother has finally agreed to marry me!’
‘No, I haven’t!’ Danaë screamed. One of the guards covered her mouth. Some of the crowd – the same ones who had mocked Perseus when he left on his quest – laughed nervously.