Chapter XI
The clouds were on fire, and all who looked up towards them were astounded at the manner in which the flames leapt from the sky, and how many cetaceans, covered in flame, fell down to the sea. Baritone Juicebox, along with Hkmjaahumikimltgrchjzzen, his once human but now cloud porpoise friend, fought the invading humans to the best of their ability, but unfortunately their best was no match for the multitude of humans that ascended to the clouds with the wicked purpose of destroying the purpose of the porpoises and claiming the clouds as their own, as they had laid waste to all the lands of the earth over the course of World War 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971.
But fear not, oh noble reader! For conveniently placed plot twists are always to be found by those who are in need of them, especially those of just cause, such as the cloud porpoises were. And so it was that the fates of the cloud porpoises and the flarks intertwined, intermingled, and in some cases, interbred, and even interbread. You see, enchanters are to be found everywhere, and most of them have no profession other than enchanting, no family to worry about taking care of, and thusly have nothing better to do, being that all their time is free time and so they don’t care if it is spent wisely or not, than to meddle in the affairs of others. Indeed, this is one of their primary occupations, as they don’t seem to feel that they have enough affairs of their own to keep them busy, and thusly need the affairs of others to mess with. There was one in particular that had taken a special interest in the saga of Baritone Juicebox, and even though I have ultimate control over what transpires, I don’t mind others occasionally meddling and introducing elements that I hadn’t foreseen, and thusly giving me new angles and challenges. So, this particular enchanter, henceforth known has Ydrahgathrun, which translates to “enchanter who has vested much interest in the saga of Baritone Juicebox”, held two of the fates of the quixotic Bari in separate beakers, and slowly poured them into a common vessel.
And so these two universes had went awry for a couple moments, with everything becoming discoloured, disfigured, and dis-many other things, with black holes opening and doughnut holes closing. And then it passed, and in the same universe Baritone Juicebox was at once on the moon and in the clouds. They’ll meet eventually, but what was most important was that the flarks were coming towards the earth, and were now in the same universe as the cloud porpoises and Bari. As they approached, they noticed the havoc and commotion which was being wreaked, and took setting these matters aright as their first task.
Descending with all the power they could muster in their shark-wings, they came upon the clouds in which the battle was taking place, and immediately set about casting the humans from the clouds, for it was clear that they were in the wrong. As hard as the porpoises could try, and for sure they could muster up a great deal of spirit, for they were indeed defending their homes, they were not meant to be warring creatures. That was not their nature, and it hadn’t mattered for so long because they lived in peaceful isolation from all wars. But that barrier had now been broken and so these peace loving creatures were forced to war, a war which they had no idea how to fight. They needed help. And in their minds they pleaded for help. They pleaded to the universe that they had brought nothing but good to to bring them some sort of aid. For though they had helped the universe in almost every proverbial arena, war was not at all their forte, and it now showed. And this plea was indeed answered.
Fortunately for the cloud porpoises, sharks are much more naturally powerful than humans, and so the humans were disposed of quickly and efficiently, without staining the clouds too badly. And so it came to pass that the cloud porpoises were saved and the majority of the remnants of humanity were destroyed. They would survive until the end of the planet, but never again would they regain their former dominance, nor their wickedness of old. It also came to pass that several of the flarks recognized Bari, having just left him on the moon. Bari, however, espoused that he had not been to the moon since his suicide attempt, and he had certainly never been to the grilled cheese nebula, and contrary to popular belief, never before had he juntrificated before. Being sharp, keen, and even quick-witted and shrewd, both the flarks and the cloud porpoises helped to piece together the story. Their first attempt went horribly awry:
“So, Bari, these flarks, when they encountered you on the moon, had travelled back in time and seen you before you jumped. Then, in coming to Earth, besides the normal time that had passed, some extra time had been thrown in, enough to ensure that you had alighted upon our clouds in the precise moment of our most dire need.”
At this point, one of the flarks eructed. I wanted to find occasion to use the palabra “eruct” because I was just reading Don Quixote, and he said that eruct was essentially a classy manner in which to say belch. This reminded me of the English teacher I had my junior year of high school, who related to us how the Canterbury Tales were really about farting. Thusly it should be inferred that the bulk of quality literature revolves around themes of bodily functions. I feel I have failed thus far in this respect, for which I apologize.
Meanwhile, the flarks and cloud porpoises were still trying to deduce the nature of the events which had just transpired, while also trying to finish off the previous day’s crossword puzzle. Bari chimed in that he had felt something odd at the moment that he had entered the atmosphere of the earth, from which they finally figured out that reality had split into multiple parts.
The truth is that in this work, string theory and all of those multiple universe theories were correct. with new universes being formed by every action, non-action, choice, decision, and pastry. Bari’s case, as I will tell you, and then let my characters in on the secret, was a special one. See, the three parts that his story split into were kept apart from the other universes, separate but equal, (so far as that is actually possible, which is really not so much. They were pretty much just separate.) which is a terrible law that the United States used to enforce, held. They were free to intermingle with one another should the opportunity arise, but no new universes would be created from these three, and when the course of these adventures had run its course, it could return to the mainstream of universes.
Now, they had no idea just how many universes Bari’s reality, for this reality clearly revolved around him, had divided into, and they only knew that it was an integer between two and infinity.
Being that the flarks and cloud porpoises coexisted so well, some of them resolved to remain behind in the clouds and live out their lives there, while attempting to return the Earth to its former glory. The others, though enamoured of the cloud porpoises, their wisdom, and their cooking, felt an obligation to help protect the universe, to administer justice and redress inequities. Being that they were headed to space, they offered to take Bari to the moon to meet himself, an offer which he accepted with both excitement and resignation, for though great was the promise of this adventure, he had never been happier than when he was living with the cloud porpoises. He left his friends, assuring them that their roads would once again cross, no matter where each road eventually led. So determined was he that he would eventually go to the gym with extreme diligence, and work out to the point where he was considered rather buff, and even jacked. And so it would be no problem to lift his own road and cross its path with that of the cloud porpoises. That, alas, does not concern us.
Taking leave of them, they flew to the moon. Bari found this journey to the moon much more enjoyable than the previous ones, as he now had no intention of ending his life, but only of living it, though he once more found himself looking human. He kept his sweater, but being away from the porpoises, he couldn’t really expect to maintain their physical features. This flight took about three days, with only two days of actual travel occurring, as they passed many sights worth seeing, for though space is normally treated as a void, it had really done nothing to earn the aforementioned reputation.
In the course of the time in which the flarks had taken their leave of Bari and they had had t
heir adventure upon Earth, and their return flight, Bari had the opportunity to explore a nicely-sized portion of the surface of the moon, which was neither barren nor made of cheese, as he had been taught as a youth. He found it to be nifty, swell, rad, and even divertido.
When the flarks had left Bari, it had been on a sort of borderline. It was in that area where the denizens of the earth ceased to be able to see the surface of the moon, for only one side of it could actually be seen from that planet. Not that they could see it in much detail, but there was a side that indeed contained much that they could only speculate, hence the phrase:
“there is no shark side of the moon really. As a matter of fact, it’s all shark”.
This stems from the rumours which had always existed regarding the existence of a shark side of the moon. The fact was that the whole satellite was inhabited by sharks, but humans couldn’t tell that because they didn’t have the eyes to spot the sharks floating around from earth. Eventually he would stumble into the part that was a little more heavily shark infested though, and I’ll be sure to tell you all about it. But as I said, he was now in a transitional portion, and he had come to a forest. This wasn’t an enchanted forest in the traditional sense, but it was a pretty bizarre grouping of trees. Now, while it wasn’t enchanted, I tend to define enchanted forests as those where the majority of the trees possess some semblance of sentience. Here, that was not the case, but most of the trees were the sort that were known as Psychedelic Firs. These are nothing other than what their name claims them to be. They are, at their heart, fir trees. Unlike most fir trees, they do possess a staunchly psychedelic nature to them, though. This being that they are prone to randomly change colour. All the gallimaufry of colours of the rainbow they would pass through, and then some. This quite dazzled Bari, who was used to his trees staying the same colour. After a while of walking, he became accustomed to this though, and eventually began to enjoy it. He had always wanted to see the northern lights, and this was kind of the same thing, but applied to trees instead of the sky. Nothing dangerous was to be found in this forest. Here no harm would come to him. It was merely an interesting place. The creatures which inhabited it were actually just as weird as the trees from which they fed. Mostly they were creatures rather similar to those which live on earth, but everything here shared the colour changing nature of the trees. The fish lived above the water and the mammals in it. Some of the trees were upside down. But what could you expect from a place that had only recently made the investment in an atmosphere?
Here he walked, just looking around, and for the first time in a long time really enjoying his surroundings. Sure, he had liked the triangles, and accompanying them on their adventures, but this he had found to be a rather peaceful place. Odd that he had chosen it as the place from which to begin his suicidal mission. Looking back, none of that made sense to him. Sure, he had hated his job. He had hated the position in which he had found himself in society. Everywhere he looked there was definitely something he despised. But here he had come to realize that all he had needed to do was to leave that world behind. He knew that his home world wasn’t the one for him, and that he couldn’t associate with them. He was simply of a different ilk. But that didn’t mean life wasn’t for him. life was very much for him. he just needed to find a place that enabled him to live it in a fashion which he could appreciate. Here, he had found that. All life here consisted of was him walking around at his own leisure, picking delicious fruits and different varieties of pizza. It was as if he had found a home in the Arcadia of old, living the pastoral life of a recluse, living off the land and it’s bizarre multi-coloured trees. And of course, like all good things, this too came to an end. This end was reached when he finally hit the edge of the forest and entered the side of the moon so heavily shark infested that it was commonly known as the shark side of the moon.
Back in the days which were commonly known as the “good ole days”, but were scientifically referred to as the Carbunthic era, the first life forms came into existence on the moon. Evolution immediately came into existence with life, because they didn’t have anyone so foolish as to deny its existence on the moon. Much like Earth, one of the later species that came into existence became one of the dominant ones. They were known as sharks, and besides sharing a name, they were also very closely biologically related to the creatures on Earth known as sharks. The most obvious difference between the two species is that one made their abode in the water while the other tended to make their home in the air. I guess this makes them somewhat like the flarks. However, the sharks that live on the moon still swim, albeit through the air, which is akin to flying, but different. I hate to be forced to utilize blatant unoriginality, but this is the difference:
1: Flying, as defined by the great author Douglas Adams, is “throwing yourself at the ground and missing.”
2: Swimming is floating around in water and propelling yourself in whatever direction you would like to move.
Now that I’ve elaborated on that matter, which I’m sure you found fascinating, let’s move on to matters concerning the plot, which I’m sure you’ll care even more about. The moonsharks could only inhabit this one side of the moon full time, for they became paranoid about people on earth spotting them and then subsequently launching missions to discover the truth of the nature of life on the moon and then subsequently destroying any semblance of their civilization. Of course, many of the few historians, astronomers, jugglers, and general intellectuals who knew about the moonsharks originally believed that this was because they could not gain the express written consent of the beings indigenous to the other side, and were so forced to remain on one side most of the time. The truth is that we never really found out why the moonsharks preferred to stay on the shark side of the moon. Maybe it was to maintain the identity of that one side as the shark side. Either way, they would cross over on occasion. But generally those trips consisted of brief forays in search of food or other necessities. They certainly didn’t like being seen by humans, for to be seen by humans always meant to risk destruction.
Bari was currently nearing the borderline of the shark and the less shark side, as he could tell by the increasing quantity of sharks which floated about him as he walked. In the not so distant distance, he could see throngs of the animals swimming slightly above the ground, going about their business, and in doing so, making him increasingly nervous. As we’ve mentioned on a few occasions, Bari’s favourite week of the year was shark week, and over the course of his life, he had accumulated a wealth of knowledge regarding sharks. Part of this wealth, which possessed no inherent monetary value, included the fact that on average, four people are killed every year by sharks. However, the amount of sharks killed by people every year is much, much higher. So, while he proceeded with caution, he did not proceed with fear. He was very wise in this, and he did not know that he was so wise, and this is why:
The moon, about seven score and five years ago, had fallen prey to a drought that you could see as equivalent in magnitude to the flood that many mythologies say wiped out the bulk of the population of the known world. There were only two options for the creatures which inhabited the moon, and those were to adapt or to die. Most of them were extremely picky in their eating habits, and didn’t even consider eating anything else when the plants that they preferred died out. In fact, there were only two species that did survive. The first was a plant that was known as a Hijartial, who survived without feeding, and in fact died when they ate. Droughts served them well, completely removing any temptation that existed to try eating sometime. the second was the sharks. Oddly enough, there was only one thing that the sharks upon the moon really did not like eating, and that was the Hijartrial plant. Eventually more forms of life did come back to the moon through immigration and evolution and such, but for a while it was rather barren.
You might wonder, upon hearing that, question, if you are the inquisitive type, what exactly it is that you are hearing. The following are questions that migh
t occur to you:
“If the only thing they wouldn’t eat is the only thing left alive, how did they survive?”
Well, they adapted in a very strange manner. This was that their stomach inexplicably became able to digest intangible things, such as ideas and emotions. It is said of many animals on earth that they are able to sense fear, and that is also true of the moonsharks, who liked to eat it because it was so easy for them to find. When not many foods were easy to find, anything that was easy prey became treasured, and thus revered as a delicacy.
While I rambled on about all those matters, Bari perambulated on as stoically as he ever had towards the shark side and eventually crossed the border. He was astounded by everything he saw around him. it was like that part of the aquarium that consists of a tunnel that is surrounded on the sides and above with water and various sea creatures. However, Bari was surrounded by sharks and only sharks and there was no water. He liked it. It was much different from the other side, which was much more barren. This one thronged with life, but in an extremely pastoral way. His first thought upon seeing this sight was:
“neat o”
Had he been a butcher, it might have been:
“meat o”
And had he been the president, it might have been:
“veto”
Overall, he found that the area was pretty groovy. One might declare it the bee’s knees, though there were no bees to be found and nothing particularly interesting was going on with their knees anyway. There will be some bees later on, however, and their existence will prove to be the cause of yet another adventure. He grabbed on to the proverbial coattails of a passing shark and rode with that creature without it noticing him for a while. What mild tempered sharks were to be found here! Floating around mildly, while pleasant, is nothing to contribute to a thrilling plot, and Bari realized this and leapt off to catch the crest of a wave of air that was passing by, which carried him until gravity gently deposited him at the edge of a cave of fair, not to be confused with the caves of fare which are to be found on our earth.
And what could he do but enter? There was one other option, which was not to enter, and that was not at all appealing to the point where he didn’t he even really give it fair consideration as an option for Bari, as we have seen, had always been one with an inclination towards adventure.
And what a fair it was that he beheld, with much fare to behold. Oh, this was not fair at all! How blessed was our beloved protagonist in this very moment. Besides the fare of the feast he beheld, there was all manner of games, rides, and a crowd consisting of all sorts of beings. Why, there were humans and every manner of biped. He spied four legged beasts that he knew from Earth, and many that he had never before laid eyes upon. There were also creatures with odd numbers of legs, with no legs, with innumerable teeth and countless eyes. How fantastic this was! What a treat it was to find himself amongst such a venerable variety of various beings! What could he do but mingle? Of course there was always the option of not mingling, but as a I said before and as we have witnessed ourselves so many times, Bari was not the sort that would shy away from the prospect of a nice solid adventure.
And what an adventure it was to partake in these carnival games, winning all manner of prizes. The loathed that he could not bring the giant inflatable hammer or the novelty beverage dispensing helmet home with him. Or perhaps he could find a way. He had witnessed so much magic by this point, he was pretty sure that there was yet more to be found.
So it was that our protagonist, Baritone Juicebox, wandered for what seemed like countless eras within the cave of fair. He thought he could have stayed there forever, given the chance. Fortunately he was given the chance, and this chance actually managed to cause his opinion of the fair to change drastically. Read on, and we’ll find out what happened.
After much meandering, feeding, and revelry, Bari finally came to the edge of the fair, where there sat upon the throne, or floated up above it, a head. The head was adorned with a hat, the sort that you might associate with some variety of magician, sorcerer, or enchanter. Two hands floated in front of him, and one grasped in its clutch a wooden wand, waving it about, apparently casting some variety of spell or enchantment with every wave. In his eyes there was a malicious fervor, and below them resided the most impressive moustache this incarnation of Baritone Juicebox had ever beheld. Surely a man, or whatever he was, who possessed such a moustache must be a very esteemed being, or so Bari thought.
You see, this moustache did not belong to this being, this lord of the fair. If Bari had been able to remember the incident involving a giant squid and a wormhole that we discussed earlier, he would have recognized it as the moustache that had told him that it would one day belong to him. This was the very same moustache that was at the moment issuing challenges to Bari in another reality. Ooh, I sense some parallels developing within this plot.
Upon seeing Bari, this carnival lord internally began gusting with fear, for he recognized him as the one to whom the moustache truly belonged. Bari, though unaware of the reason, could sense that this floating head was afraid, and broke the proverbial ice between them in what he viewed as the least harmful, or most harmless, and generally the least threatening manner he could think of.
A simple “hello.”
To which he received a grandiose and threatening
“Who are you that dares intrude upon my fair, to win my prizes and eat my food?”
Naturally, he asked this fully knowing the answer, for that answer had long been foretold.
Now, it was Bari’s turn to feel threatened, and wanting to make that emotion as unapparent as possible, he responded in the most grandiose and foreboding manner he could devise.
“You know full well who I am! I am Baritone Juicebox, who has travelled a hefty quantity of the light years across the length of our universe, who with the mighty strength of his own arm and the miraculous amount of wit he possesses, saved the four sided triangles of the grilled cheese nebula from certain destruction!”
Oh, how the lord did quiver, but pulled from his quiver the big guns, from which he utilized the most ultra-impressive phrases he could possibly muster.
“Psh, Baritone Juicebox. I’ve certainly never heard of him. why, I am Milenkoooooo the Great, who had presided over this grand fair for several millennia since its inception, who is the keeper of every single soul who herein resides!”
“But not mine!” was the fervent response which our heroic hero provided, in an attempt to sound much braver and much more important than he actually felt himself to be. He had realized that it didn’t really matter how brave or important he actually was. This Milenkoooooo guy was for some reason scared of him and if he could respond to every threat with a grand declaration, he figured he should be pretty safe.
“Oh, little do you know, fool! All these souls obey my every whim with the utmost acquiescence. Not a single devious thought has been thought in this place since it was first erected.”
“Well, I have a devious thought upon my brain, and you are powerless! The over-indulgence of your words belies your fear, and your fear belies your vulnerability, which suggests that there is less truth to your words than you claim, oh Milenkoooooo!”
Now it was time for Milenkoooooo to pull out the extremely large guns. The biggest ones he had in his arsenal of grandiose speeches, which were reserved for particular moments such as this. Most of his pieces had been captured, and in an act of desperation, he was to use the queen.
“What hasty words you speak Bari, who comes into another’s carnival and believes he knows the truths of its infrastructure immediately . I challenge you to single combat. A jousting match, if you will.”
It was at this moment that the quick thinking Bari knew that Milenkoooooo was lying. Milenkoooooo had claimed to have never heard of Baritone and his legends, yet Bari had introduced himself as Baritone and yet Milenkoooooo had called him Bari. It was clear that he had heard some rumour of him. Now, Bari didn’t necess
arily think that he was worth having rumours of himself spread around the universe, but if they were to offer him some protection and make those who would otherwise kill him fear him, he wasn’t going to pay heed to a little extraneous gossip.
So, with the following statement, Baritone Juicebox accepted Milenkoooooo’s challenge:
“And I accept. What are your terms?”
Milenkoooooo laughed. I wish I could write down what it sounded like, but I’m not really sure how to sound it out and spell it. No, not at all. If you ever see me though, feel free to ask. I can give you a rough imitation. It’s absolutely ridiculous and extremely stupid sounding, but it’s a laugh worth knowing, lest you ever have to hear it yourself. Plus, if this foolish book is ever adapted for film, or if I make an audiobook out of it, I’ll let you hear. It was a goofy laugh though. Not at all threatening, though Milenkoooooo thought just the opposite.
“My terms are simple” he said.
At this, two bicycles appeared, with one near each contestant. Milenkoooooo donned a novelty beverage dispensing helmet and his wand became a giant inflatable hammer.
“We are to mount upon our bicycles, equidistant to this mark on the ground, and charge at each other when the signal is given. After that first charge, we will continually re-charge. In the event that one or both of us is dismount, combat will continue until one part, that being you, discontinues combat. Is this fair?”
“Sounds good to me, except for the part where I surrender.”
Milenkoooooo laughed again.
“Let’s begin.”
“Wait” said Bari. “What are the stakes?”
“You lose, you join the others here in their unending indentured servitude.”
After a long pause, Bari responded with this:
“And what if you lose?”
Another Milenkoooooo laugh occurred.
“It won’t happen, don’t worry about it.”
“But what if it does? We’re making a bet here. We need stakes to exist for the case of each side winning, even if you don’t see me having any shot at victory. You can’t possibly be so asinine and arrogant. It makes that moustache look awful on you, and that’s a beautiful moustache. I can’t really imagine it looking bad in many places.”
This incited Milenkoooooo’s fury, and he charged. He would have caught Bari by surprise, but by now Bari had figured out that he shouldn’t expect an honest fight from Milenkoooooo. So, he pedaled forward, inflatable hammer raised high.
Being that he had neglected to acquire a license to drive a motor vehicle when he had turned the prescribed age, Bari had grown accustomed to biking everywhere, and had much stronger legs than Milenkoooooo, who in fact had no legs. So, he was able to gain enough momentum to equal that of Milenkoooooo’s charge, though he had started a bit earlier. However, Bari was a bit distracted at the novelty of how Milenkoooooo was able to pedal without legs, and that led him to lose his focus for that one crucial moment. In that moment, Milenkoooooo was able to dismount Bari, which just led to inflate his ego even further. So, he charged again, but Bari was focused this time, and he maintained the aforementioned focus by focusing very hard on how it was absolutely mandatory for him to focus, and struck Milenkoooooo with the hammer, powered by arms that had become extremely powerful from swimming through space.
Milenkoooooo was dismounted, and upon falling to the ground, continually smitten by Bari’s infallible hammer. How Milenkoooooo’s magic had enchanted its owner into believing himself more powerful than he actually was! In reality, his magic was only good for harmless pranks. He’d only been able to rule the souls in the carnival by force of persuasion and by distracting them with endless fun and games. Now, faced with a worthy opponent, he faltered, and was forced to surrender to Bari.
Of course, terms for the case of Bari’s victory had never been decided upon, so being in the current position of power, Bari, who had never really been the assertive type, named his terms, with the threat of Milenkoooooo’s death if they were not carried out to the ever present proverbial T. The terms were that Milenkoooooo would cancel the carnival, free the souls, and devote the rest of his natural life to works of charity, giving back what he had taken. Bari wanted nothing for himself but to be able to continue on his merry ‘ole way. In addition, he also requested that Milenkoooooo’s moustache be transferred to him, on the basis that he read it belonged to him in a prophecy that had fallen out of the sorcerer’s hat. So, once the terms were satisfied, he had seen the souls sent back to their respective homes, and he had seen the carnival dissipate, and he saw Milenkoooooo escorted to the nearest soup kitchen, he continued walking on, feeling better than he ever had, now possessing the moustache that was truly his. And how handsome that was!