“At least someone likes it,” I said a little flirtatiously.
Then all hell broke loose beneath us. I could hear the unmistakable anger and panic in Ethan’s voice. He was yelling at her. All you could hear from Alexa was drawn out sobs and dramatic sniffs.
“Looks like the baby is out of the bag,” he laughed to himself.
“Oh my lord, you are so lame,” I grinned at his horrible attempt to be funny. “Well, I’m gonna go ahead and assume that this trip is pretty much over now.”
“Clearly.”
I watched Ryder get up and grab his jeans. He pulled them on quickly and fumbled with his belt. He seemed to be panicking more as the situation below sounded like it was escalading. I then heard the familiar sound of a hand colliding with skin. Both Ryder and I were wide eyed and bolting down the stairs. Alexa lay awkwardly against the wall, hand cradling her cheek yet again, and tears smeared across her paled face. Ethan towered over her, dismay and fiery evident on his face.
Ryder came at Ethan with eyes blazing. “What the hell is going on down here?”
“None of either of your concern,” he spat.
“Not my concern! Last time I checked, I was still your girlfriend!”
“Stay out of this, Aid.”
“Did you hit her,” I screamed at him.
“Seriously, drop it, Aidriana.”
That was enough. I refused to let this cheating asshole talk to me like that. And much like many other parts of my personality, another snapped into oblivion. The anger inside of me smoldered the barrier I had always had and I wouldn’t take another second of it.
Before anyone else had the chance to react, I put all of my body weight forward and swung my fist into Ethan’s jaw. He instantly lost his footing and his head went careening toward the wall. As it slammed against the wood, a smile crept onto my face. He crumpled to the floor and took a similar stance next to Alexa.
“Talk to me like that again, shit head, and I promise you, I’ll do much worse,” I bellowed in animosity.
Being the only voice of reason, Ryder carefully caressed my face and smiled. “Calm down, sweetheart.”
Both Ethan and Alexa gazed at us in curiosity and confusion. “What the hell is this,” Ethan questioned wildly.
“Cut the shit! You and I both know our relationship has been over for a long time now. If anyone has the right to be pissed, it’s me, not you,” I seethed. “Unlike you, I have never had sex with your best friend. Now both of you get off of this floor and pack your shit. We are leaving, before I lose my temper.
~
Getting back home couldn’t have come soon enough. The ride was so silent that I felt awkward even breathing. Alexa’s unchanging face screamed sorrow and regret. As I sat in my room again, numb and unfeeling, I wondered if this year could possibly get any worse. I had a strange yet nagging feeling that my life was going to change much more than it had and I’d probably never come back up from it.
The weeks began to roll together as the school year was growing closer to its end. By the middle of April, Alexa had stopped wearing her skin clinging clothing and moved to a more relaxed fit to hide the weight gain. Her and Ethan were inseparable, but in a dangerously destructive way. Even in my avoidance, I still managed to witness several of the arguments and constant bickering.
Ryder clung to me at school. A constant look of worry remained evident in his eyes after our trip to my Aunt’s lake house. He really pushed for me to see Mr. Keitz more often after my knowledge of the baby. I didn’t argue with him over the matter because I knew more than anyone that I needed to go. I even began going to see him when I wasn’t scheduled to and I could tell that Mr. Keitz was becoming more concerned as my visits were growing more frequent.
Shortly after school started, I knocked softly on his office door. Mr. Keitz stuck his head out of the door and forced a smile. I did the same because we both knew things were just getting worse and that piece by piece, my personality was drastically changing.
“So what brings you to visit today, Aidriana? I don’t believe we were scheduled to meet today.”
“No, you’re right. I’m not scheduled for an appointment, but I need to talk to someone.”
“What about exactly? I thought we covered everything new yesterday.”
“Mr. Keitz, I have been arguing with myself over sharing this with you for months now. I feel like I can really trust you and would like to get some input from you,” I finally said after a long pause.
“Aidriana, I have to reiterate how important it is to be open about everything,” he overly articulated. “If you continue to hide things from me, I can’t fully help you. Do you understand that?”
“Yes, I do understand, but this isn’t exactly what I would consider sane. Trust me, I have no intentions of ending up in an insane asylum again,” I shuddered.
“What exactly do you mean, again,” he questioned me, clearly confused.
“That’s just it! I keep having these strange blackouts. I told you about them very briefly before. When I wake back up, I’m not me and I’m not here anymore.”
“You’re not you,” he asked. “I guess I don’t understand what you mean by that.”
“Nothing there is me,” I explained. “I don’t have the same name or parents or even the same face. Everyone has another name. All of my friends are dead,” I mumbled.
“I see,” he managed to say after a drawn out pause. “And do you believe that this life isn’t real?”
Now it was my turn to think. I wasn’t sure what I thought anymore. “Sometimes,” I admitted.
“And your nightmares, what of those?”
“I don’t have it anymore.”
“So is it possible that the new situation is just another nightmare?”
“I guess it is possible,” I said softly.
“Isn’t it also possible that it may feel like this life isn’t real because maybe you wish it wasn’t?”
“Trust me; I’d rather be dealing with this shit than being strapped to a bed on constant watch by a mental hospital.”
“Okay, so again, I’m confused. What are you talking about with the mental hospital? Nothing in your record shows unusual mental health or behavioral issues. Only someone that is extremely mentally ill would end up in a program such as the one you explained to me.”
“Exactly! I have never had an issue, in this life anyways.”
“So you’re telling me that you are in a mental institution in this other life?”
“Right, but why I’m there, I’m not really sure,” I also admitted. “The counselor there won’t tell me anything because she says I can’t handle it. She also says that I’ve met her several times before but my mind regresses and I come back here to the life I wish I had back.”
“So basically, you’re saying that you’ve lived this once already?”
“Yeah, I guess you could look at it that way. She said she knew about Ethan and Alexa and that things were going to get worse. Quite obviously things have. I don’t think I’m to the worst of it yet though.”
“What else have you heard or seen during these blackouts,” he asked enthralled.
“Ms. Kaitz showed me a picture of myself. Nothing is the same about me, accept for my eyes.”
“Nothing but your eyes,” he asked. He looked somewhat overwhelmed, much like I felt most of the time now. “Wait, did you just say your counselor’s name is Ms. Kaitz?”
“Yes to both of your questions,” I sighed. “Lately, I just feel like I’m constantly talking to myself when I’m having conversations with other people. It’s like everyone knows exactly what I’m thinking.”
“That would make sense to feel that way if you believe you may be living in a fantasy in your own mind,” he tried to rationalize. We sat in silence for a moment and then heard a wrap on the door. He stood up, said nothing, and poked his head out of the door. “Aidriana, my next appointment is here. We will have to continue this the next time.”
I
nodded at him in understanding and stood up quickly. I walked out of the door nearly plowing Alexa over. Tears were running down her face and a faint bruise in the shape of a hand remained on her face. He was abusing her and all I could feel was a sharp pang of pity for her. I shook my head in disapproval at her and walked away.
~
From afar, Ryder and I watched what used to be two of the most important people in my life, self destructed before our eyes. Alexa came to school with more bruises and she was now losing unhealthy amounts of weight. Ethan was clearly miserable and constantly angry. He began fighting with anyone and everyone for any reason he could come up with. They both started missing school regularly.
I tried hard to just look the other way, but no matter how badly they had treated me, I didn’t want them to ruin their lives. I especially didn’t want Alexa to because I had known her most of my life. I hated to admit it but I loved her no less because of this.
I began to watch her more carefully as she lost more and more weight. By the end of April, the bruises on her body were noticeable to everyone. Her face was the worst. She had also lost so much that her clothes hung off of her. I wondered how her baby would survive when she was apparently abusing her unborn child’s vessel.
It wasn’t until the first week in May, that my world came tumbling down on top of me once again. It took one phone call for time to stop. The strange thing was, I never got phone calls on my parents house phone but yet, here my mom was handing me the bulky cordless.
I looked at her with a silent but questioning stare of confusion. My right brow rose up alone quizzically and my mother mouthed “Mandy” to me. I sighed, dreading the conversation that was about to take place. Part of me was surprised that she hadn’t gotten involved in the fight sooner. I put the phone up to my ear and the sound I heard filled my soul with dread.
The soft sound of whimpering and agony filled the background. I didn’t even want to talk to her to find out what was going on but I forced out a response. “Hello,” I said awkwardly.
“Aidriana,” she asked softly.
“Yeah, it’s me.” An eerie tingling was present and the wispy hair s on the back of my neck rose.
“Could you please come to the house? I need to speak with you,” she sniffled.
“Um,” was all I could manage to say back to her.
“I know all about the situation that’s been going on between you and Alexa. That really doesn’t matter anymore. Please just come.”
I agreed but only because of the tone in her voice. Something was wrong.
Chapter 16
It’s amazing how the rest of the world keeps going, even when it feels as though your personal world couldn’t go any further. As I looked into her blank eyes, I wondered why she would do this. I insisted on seeing her before they took her body. Part of me wished that I hadn’t seen her at all.
Mandy called me shortly after she found her. When the police got there, Mandy sat down uncomfortably at the table and waited to speak with the officer. Tears streamed down her face as she tried to keep her composure. She was doing much better than I ever expected any mother to do after something like this.
I sat in the hallway, emotionless, as they removed Alexa from her bedroom. There was blood smeared across her room and puddle on her wooden floor. I shuddered as I thought of her sitting there alone, crimson slowly decorating her room while she stammered around. The room looked like a massacre took place.
I slowly lost track of my sanity. As I stared into the bitter nothingness, I found myself looking at the ceiling of the white room. The shackles were, once again, tightly intact and the feeling of despair was overwhelming. The simple fact was, my best friend was gone and I was losing my mind. Much quicker than I could control it, my eminent mental breakdown finally hit me and tears trickled down my face. It wasn’t until I heard her that I calmed from my meltdown of self pity.
“Don’t cry,” Ms. Kaitz crooned.
I instantly stopped, and not because she had told me to, but because something about her was soothing and familiar. Though I had calmed drastically, I couldn’t bring myself to actually say anything back to her yet. We sat in silence for several minutes and she patiently waited for me to say something back. The silence always seems to be too much for some people though.
“I assume you’re seeing things you don’t particularly like now,” she said very matter-of-factly. I nodded in agreeance but still didn’t speak. “I am also assuming that Alexa is no longer with you there. Even with the situation that took place, the alienation feels pointless now, correct?”
I looked at her feeling a sudden flash of déjà vu. Another part of me just felt like I was talking to myself again. She knew exactly how I felt. She always knew everything. I sadly wondered if this “life” really was just a coping mechanism. Regardless, my best friend wasn’t with me in either life.
“It was like a slaughter house,” I whispered in tears.
“What do you mean?”
“There was blood everywhere. I don’t understand how she could take her life that way when she was pregnant! That child never had a chance.”
“No, the baby didn’t, but you’ll find out more soon enough. Has her mother given you Alexa’s diary?”
I stared at her in confusion. Her comment scared me. I knew nothing of a diary that Alexa had kept. “Um, no, I wasn’t aware that she even had one,” I said irritated.
“Oh, uh, sorry,” she stammered. “I shouldn’t have asked a question like that.”
“Well considering you are either real or a complete figment of my imagination, maybe it’s better that you did. If Alexa’s mother gives me a diary, I may just have to consider my reality might not be exactly what I think it is,” I said softly.
“Is that a small amount of acceptance I hear in your voice?”
“Do I really have any other choice in the matter? I mean this is either real or it isn’t.”
“Ah, the depressed mind often leads us to absolutes. You sound so much like Ariana right now and much less like yourself for once.”
“I think I have every right to be a little depressed,” I said angrily. “My best friend just ripped her wrists apart and bled out all over her bedroom floor!”
“So you saw her?”
“Yes, and now I wish I hadn’t. That is the last memory I have of her and that’s going to be ingrained in my memory for the rest of my life! Her mother thought it necessary to invite me over after she found her mangled body. She also thought it necessary to invite me over before calling the police. I’m not really sure what the hell she was thinking!”
“Shock makes people do stupid things,” she said. “And what happened with Ethan?”
“I’m not really sure what the question is. I haven’t talked to him since my aunt’s house,” I explained, shuddering at the memory.
Ms. Kaitz jumped as her phone buzzed in her pocket. She grabbed the sleek, white phone and tapped on the screen. “This is Dr. Patricia Kaitz,” she said in a strong, professional tone. I stared at the device in her hand and laughed softly to myself. I had just used my cell phone not that long ago and it was far from his. Mine was much more bulky and flipped open. Touch screens were still expensive and they definitely weren’t paper thin. As I contemplated everything I saw here, I wondered what else was different. My heart began to beat faster and my skin tingled uncomfortably.
“Aidriana, are you alright?” she said as she set her phone down.
“What the hell is that thing?” I choked out as I pointed shakily at her phone.
“Oh, this old thing? It’s just android phone,” she said nonchalantly.
“What year is it,” I blurted frantically.
“Sweetie, that probably isn’t a good idea,” she warned. “Here’s a better question, what year do you think it is?”
“It’s the beginning of 2006. It’s still only April.”
“It’s probably a better idea to stick to that answer.”
“What is the
damn year, Patricia?” I yelled. The sweat began to bead on my forehead and the tingling intensified as my heart raced.
“I’m sorry, you’re not ready to hear that. You’re heart says it all and from the sounds of it, you will be leaving here very soon anyways,” she said softly as she listened to my heart monitor.
“This is bullshit! If you think for a second that you are helping me, you’re highly mistaken! I hate this place!” I screamed at her.
“That may be true, but the truth will resurface.”
I stared at her angrily as my skin prickled. I could feel the fire inside igniting and the agony intensified. Real or not, I couldn’t understand how anyone could put another human being through this. Yet, here I was, feeling the liquid flame pulsing through my veins as she watched me so serenely.
~
I woke gasping for breath, still feeling the discomfort of my heart almost exploding out of my delicate chest. My eyes instantly went to the dirty crimson stains that marred Alexa’s room. The nausea hit me instantly and the vomit rose quickly to my mouth. I gripped my face and ran to the bathroom.
After releasing my lunch all over Mandy’s bathroom and then trying to clean my mess without vomiting again, I made my way to the kitchen. Mandy was sitting with a familiar look of bitterness and anguish on her lightly aged face, pain shown darkly in her eyes as she looked up through her lashes at me.
“I thought you left,” she said quietly. “I’m glad you didn’t. I’d like to talk with you.”
I looked at her timidly and pulled the chair up next to the kitchen table. The silence between us was excruciating. I wanted to bold out of the room and get away from the entire situation but my body remained frozen. Mandy looked at me and tried to smile. The frustration blazed in her eyes.
“So,” I said awkwardly.
She still stayed silent for a moment and I noticed she was gripping a small crimson notebook. She looked at me sadly and revealed the small book more openly. I gasped at her with more of an emphasis than I had planned but only because I knew right away what the tiny red book was.
“I haven’t read it,” she admitted softly. “I don’t plan to. Right now, the image of my daughter has already been horrifically compromised. I will not add anymore to my tarnished memory of her than she has already added herself.” I frowned at her, knowing that the pain she felt was a cruel multiplication of my own. “I know that Ethan and Alexa had a relationship and that it hurt you deeply by her betrayal. I also know that she truly, completely and eternally regretted it. That much I know for certain. “