I shrug. “Maybe.”
He probably thinks if he delivers my enemies to me on a silver platter, I’ll be more likely to give him a pass. I’m not sure what I’m going to say or do to him when I meet him later; he’s officially a friend now. But I’m not sure I should let his little mistake go completely unpunished. I want to discourage anyone else from thinking it might be fun to listen in on my conversations. At least now I know better than to be naive; Adelle is being re-programmed to perform scans of the entire ship twice daily and deliver results to me personally. I don’t care that it eats into resources; it’s better than having a target locked onto my back.
“Okay, well, see you later,” he says.
Jens moves off to the airlock, and I watch him go, wondering what he’s going to say to his cousin, Beltz. Will the big man come to his rescue? Show up at our meeting and try to break my bones again?
Most people would probably hold a grudge against the guy for being so violent, but not me. Violence has been a part of my life for so long, I no longer recognize it as a personal insult. I just see it as a method of survival. Besides, he’s not special. He’s not evil or defective. Anyone can become violent; they just need to be put into the right environment for it. If Beltz comes at me again, I’ll be ready for him, though. And this time, I won’t be the one needing MI for broken bones. He’s had his one free pass from me, and that’s all he’s going to get.
Now that Jens is gone, and the other Alliance members have left for their ships as well, I’m alone in the cargo area again. I left my best flightsuit, the gift from Alana, across my bed, and I’m wearing a standard issue crewsuit as I get to work scrubbing things clean and work at organizing my exercise area in the cargo hold. Sweat mingles with crusted salt as I put the equipment into position and get it properly calibrated. My newly MIed body is crying out for some workouts to get my muscles back into fighting form, and I can’t wait to push myself to new limits. That tussle with Beltz showed me how out of shape I am. I should have ended that conflict in the meeting room a lot sooner and with a lot less damage to my own body than I did.
An hour later, Tam finds me hanging from the pull-up bar testing its strength.
“Need help?” he asks, staring up at me.
I drop to my feet and rest my hands on my hips, slightly out of breath. “No, I got it. What’re you up to?”
“Lots.”
I grab a towel nearby and wipe my face and the back of my neck off as I wait for his answer. “Finish whatever you were working on in the frame?”
“Yeah. And we’ve outfitted the hull with Baebong’s weapons, the ones you gave approval for before. Gus and I were just making sure they were communicating with Adelle the way they should.”
“Good.” I drink water from the bottle pack nearby.
“I was wondering if we could talk to Beltz about some upgrades to the engines we’ve been trying to work out for the past few months.”
I sit and motion for him to do the same. He declines my offer.
“What kind of upgrades?” I have to look up to maintain eye contact with him.
“Our aft thruster is kind of shitty. We’d like to trade out a couple parts there. And the filtration system is clunky. The one they have on their ship is aces.”
“How much is it going to cost us?”
He shrugs. “That’s for you to figure out. I don’t do the negotiating, I just install the parts.”
I hate that we’re here together acting as if this is a normal conversation like others we’ve had. As if our last exchanges weren’t angry ones about whether he’s entitled to hang out with humans anymore, now that we know what or who he is. It’s not easy to admit that I made a mistake, but I feel like that’s what needs to happen here.
“Tam. Sit.” I point to a pile of materials that are soon to become more equipment for my crew.
“I’d rather stand.”
“And I’d rather you sit.” My tone brooks no argument, and thankfully he doesn’t push it. He sits as asked, but he’s as stiff as a board.
“Do you like living on this ship?” I toss the towel over the bar behind me with a flick of my wrist.
He follows the motion of my towel for a couple seconds and then nods. “I guess.”
“Good. Because I like having you here.”
His smile is bitter. “Except for the fact that I’m a shadow.”
“Yes. But I can’t change that, and neither can you, right?”
He shrugs. “Nope.”
“So we just have to learn to live with it.”
“I have learned to live with it. It’s you that has the problem.”
“That’s not exactly true, now, is it? I saw your temper tantrum the other day, remember?”
He looks at the ground but doesn’t say anything.
“I get the impression that being a shadow isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
He shrugs just slightly. “Maybe not.”
“Tell me more about it. Help me understand. I want to.”
His eyes flick up at me but then go back to the floor. “What do you want to know?”
This moment is when I finally realize what my big hang-up is with shadowing and people walking around with their brains in someone else’s body. “I want to know if there’s anything or anyone else in there with you.”
Now all of his attention is on me. “In where?” He looks down and holds out his arms. “My body?”
I point at his head. “No. In there.”
“My brain? No. It’s just me in here. In there. Whatever.” He looks disgusted.
“Why does that make you angry?” I ask.
“It doesn’t.”
“Then what’s that emotion I see on your face? It’s not happiness, which is kind of strange considering you’ve been given a second chance when most people would have been left to die.”
He mumbles. “I don’t know.”
“Why you?”
“Huh?” He frowns.
“Why you? Why did they select you to be shadowed? Are you special?”
“My mom always said I was.” His smile is sad.
I chew on my lip as I stare at him. The silence between us stretches until he breaks it.
“I’m not a science experiment.”
“Yes, you are. Not that it’s a bad thing, but come on … What happened to you isn’t natural.”
“Nothing in our world is natural anymore.”
“I realize that. Believe me, I’ve heard the arguments from more than one person. But you’re … what happened to you … it’s extraordinary.”
“Not everyone hates shadowing,” he says.
“That’s true. I wouldn’t even say I hate it at this point. I just … don’t trust it.” I can’t stop staring at his head. “I mean, if they can make a copy of your neural pathways and put them in that head of yours, and have another copy in Gus’s head, what’s to stop them from putting a third or fourth copy somewhere else?”
Tam just blinks.
“Then we’re not just talking clones; we’re talking shadow clones.” I shudder. “Could you imagine? A whole army of the same person —with the same thought processes— coming at you?”
“I guess it would depend on the person,” he says, trying to smile. “An army of me doesn’t sound so scary, does it?”
“No.” I smile at the idea. Four engineers with his brain? Yeah, buddy. “It sounds very convenient, actually. Could you imagine the ship I’d have? The technology? The mechanics?” I stop fantasizing and then hit us both with some cold reality. “How about an army of me, though?”
His eyes widen. “Uhh, one of you is plenty, actually.”
“I know,” I say, my mind kind of drifting. “But it could happen if someone wanted it to, couldn’t it?”
“Maybe. But I think not.”
Something in the tone of his voice has me sitting up and paying close attention. “Why not?”
He clears his throat. “It’s the reason I kind of lose my temper sometim
es. I think when they make a copy … it gets degraded a little.”
“Really? What do you mean?” I lean in closer, wanting every single detail.
“I’m missing some things. Some memories. Some feelings. Things I should know.”
“Like?”
“Like the secret language Gus and I used to share.”
I’m getting tingles all over my body in anticipation of his explanation. “What do you mean?”
He shrugs. “All our lives, since we were babies, we had this language that only we spoke. Words, gestures, nothing anyone else could pick up. We could spend an entire day together without speaking a word of normal language and get along just fine. I lost that when the copy was made.”
“Shit.” I feel really sad for him, and I don’t even know what that’s like, to be able to communicate with someone on that level. “That sucks.”
“Yeah. And I lose patience sometimes. I used to be calmer than I am.”
“Maybe it’s from all the years of living with Gus.”
He tries to smile, but it doesn’t work out so well. “Nah. Gus is a saint. He puts up with my lame ass all day and all night long. He’s always been there for me.” Tam looks up at me with pleading eyes. “Please don’t do anything to him. Don’t punish him for helping me.”
I shake my head. “You don’t need to worry. As long as he doesn’t try to screw me, he’s safe. And so are you.” I stand, now completely decided inside my own head and heart. “I’m not going to discriminate against you any more, Tam. I shouldn’t have done it in the first place, but I’m not going to beat myself up about my mistake.” My voice goes harder. “Regardless, I want you to be square with me. If you feel something weird happening or something going on in that shadow head of yours, you have to tell me right away. I can only help you if I know what’s going on.”
He stands and holds out his hand. “I promise.”
I shake his hand and smile. “And I promise not to float you for being honest.”
He grins. “Deal.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I’M RUNNING THE PILOTING SIMULATOR alone from the flightdeck when Adelle comms in.
“Captain Cass, I am sorry to interrupt your flight training, but Captain Beltz has come aboard and is requesting an audience with you.”
I pause my flight docking protocol program and take a breath to calm myself. I hope programming open access for all Alliance members to come aboard without a prior reach request wasn’t a mistake. “Send him to the flightdeck. Lock out his access to any part of the ship but here.”
“Yes, Captain.”
I stand and then sit right back down. My hands go up to touch my hair, but I yank them away immediately. My fancy hairdo is mostly still there, perhaps a little messier than it was, but still recognizable as something I could never do myself.
“Ridiculous,” I say to myself when I realize I’m primping. “It’s just Beltz.”
Still, I’m happy that I finally got out of those cruddy work clothes and back into my gifted black flightsuit that fits me like a second skin. And with the new secret compartment I’ve sewn into the waistband to hold the chip hosting my former computbot’s programming, I feel like everything is right again. For some reason I’d rather not contemplate right now, I want Beltz to see that I’m not always a scrub.
When the door opens, I turn my seat around to face him, both hands resting on the arms of the chair and my shoulders back. Whatever confidence I feel while seeing him again is faked, but he’ll never know it.
He strides through like it’s no big deal that I nearly killed him three days ago. “You are alone,” he says, stopping at the base of the steps below me.
I lift a brow. “So? Should I be worried?”
“No.” He seems anxious. Worried. Stressed.
“What’s on your mind, Beltz?” It gives me strength of mind to see him so nervous and out of sorts. It’s nice to not be the only one feeling off balance.
He looks out my clearpanel. “You are almost ready to leave.”
“Yep. I’m just running some sim time while we button things up. Making sure I remember how to dock my ship.”
He seems surprised. “You are worried about piloting your ship?”
“I’ve never done it live before. I left the station on my own power, but it was docked by Tremblay before I came onboard.”
He frowns. “Do you want me to come with you? To help you pilot?”
My heart flips around a little at what feels like a romantic gesture, making it difficult to answer without sounding like a silly girl. “No, that’s fine.” My ears are burning. “I can do it. It’s not a problem.” I look at the arm of my chair at the array. “I’m scoring ninety-eighth percentile in the practice runs.”
“Are you using the Centurion 4 sim card?”
“No. It’s just some random patterns.”
“I will have Jens bring you the card for Centurion 4. It will be better to practice what you will actually see.”
“Thanks. I’ll send over some nuts in exchange.”
He shakes his head. “No. I cannot accept your nuts. I have also rejected the offering from your green goddess.”
That has me coming to my feet. “Why?” I’m pissed. It’s like he’s trying to hold his generosity over my head and force it on me. I can’t be owing people like that, especially guys like him. Alana was right; he’s wily as hell, and I have a feeling I’ll never know what’s really up his sleeve.
“Because,” he says, his stubborn jaw jutting out. “It is not right.”
“What’s not right?” I walk down one step to put us at eye level with one another. “You did me a service, and I’m trading back. That’s how we do it out here. Just because we’re in the Alliance together, doesn’t mean we just give things away.”
“Sometimes it does mean that.”
The flicker in his eye tells me he’s not being exactly truthful.
“Huh-uh. Wrong. You’re lying. You wouldn’t do this for Kaiholo or Alana.” Or maybe he would do it for Alana. They seem to have some unfinished business together. I hate that a twinge of jealousy flickers in my heart over that thought.
He looks at the floor, then the wall, and then the ceiling, as he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Either he has to use the head really bad or he has something on his mind that’s eating him up inside.
“What is it, Beltz? What’s bothering you?”
He finally faces me, his expression turning rock hard. “You.”
I point to my chest. “Me? I’m bothering you? What did I do?” My feelings are hurt by his statement, which is ridiculous.
“No. What I did to you is bothering me.”
I laugh, my heart soaring when I realize this means I don’t really bother him. “Are you talking about our wrestling match the other day?”
“Of course I am talking about that. What else would I be talking about?”
I walk down the remaining two steps and put my hand on his arm to calm him down. “Beltz. Listen, man. We’re cool. It’s no big deal.”
His free arm flies out to the side in frustration. “But I fractured your bones, your ribs … tore out your hair.” His tone is nothing less than anguished.
I shrug, feeling all squishy inside. I’ve never had a guy get upset over hurting me before. It’s kind of … sweet. I’m fairly certain he hasn’t cried over other bones he’s broken, and who knows what he was about to do to Alana before I intervened.
“So? I almost strangled you to death. We’re even.”
“We will never be even. Never.” He bends over and throws both arms around my waist so he can pick me up and hold me tight against him. I’m so high up, his face is mushed into my boobs, but that doesn’t keep him from saying what he needs to say. “A man of my size should never touch a small girl in anger. But that is what I did, and worse, I injured you. If it were not for the medical intervention, you would be marked for life by my hand.”
I put a hand on either side of his he
ad to angle his face up to mine. I can’t help but smile at the fact that he sounds like a little kid who’s disappointed his mother. “I’ve been beat up much worse in my life. It’s really no big deal.”
He loosens his hold enough that I drop down a few inches, sliding against his body. This new suit of mine makes it so I can feel every inch of his muscled chest, and that turns me all tingly inside. Now our faces are level with each other, mere centimeters apart.
His breath is minty and warm as it brushes across my mouth. “You tell me the name of the person who did that to you. I will kill him.”
“It’s a long list of people, actually.”
“I will kill them all.”
I have to suck in my cheeks to keep from laughing. I shake my head no.
“Okay, do not tell me. It does not matter. I will find out who it was. Do not worry; I am very determined when I want to be.”
My smile disappears. “Stay out of my past, Beltz. It’s nowhere for you to be.”
“Call me Gunter.” His voice is softer, making him sound more dangerous than when he was about to snap my neck. I’ve had my body broken plenty of times, but never my heart. Not really.
I almost can’t say it. It comes out as a whisper. “Gunter.”
He leans in and begins to kiss me.
I’ve been kissed before, but not like this. Not by a guy like him. Before, it was always either a joke or a dare, a fumbling in a dark corner of a training room left empty after a day’s work … two people goofing around and killing time, trying to remember something tender about life when every other part of it is about fighting and being superior to one another. Now, it’s something entirely different. There’s a heat there I’ve never felt before. A spark of something warming me from inside and spreading across my body.
The Captain Cass in me says I need to back away and maybe even slap him on the cheek for good measure. But the warm, soft girl in me pushes my lips into his, sharing the sensations with this great big hunk of a man who’s holding me in a tight squeeze and swearing to kill every last person who’s ever done me wrong.
His mouth opens and his hot, wet tongue comes out and slides between my lips …