Gus is waiting with streaks through the grime on his face. He’s been crying. “You’re okay,” he says to Tam, sighing with relief.
“No, Gus. I’m not okay,” Tam says, disgusted. He looks away, and fixes his gaze on a spot on the wall.
I take the long way around Tam and end up at the door. Facing them, I speak to Gus, the only semi-sane person in the room besides me. “Both of you are to report to the brig immediately.”
“Adelle can’t run this room by herself,” Gus says.
“Adelle is not a her!” I scream, sounding a little unhinged but unable to stop myself. “It’s a fucking compubot! It doesn’t get to be a her, and that doesn’t get to be a him!” I jab the air in Shadow-Tam’s direction. Great. Now I’m defaulting to actually believing what he says is real.
Gus’s eyes go wide but he nods, his voice very calm. “You’re right. About Adelle. I’m sorry.” He puts his hands out like he’s surrendering to someone with a gun. “I’m just saying that the compubot is not capable of managing the engine room. You need hands.” He holds his out for me to see, wiggling his fingers for effect. “Two sets of them.” He looks over at the shadow version of his brother. “You need me and Tam.”
“Too bad we don’t have Tam, then, isn’t it?” I stride over and grab the wannabe human by the shoulder, shoving him toward the door. “Get to the brig.”
Tam leans over and opens the portal with a swipe of his hand.
I point at Gus while keeping half an eye on his brother. “You stay here. Don’t leave.”
“Don’t hurt my brother,” he says, for the first time sounding strong and unafraid.
“How could I possibly do that? According to you, your bother is already dead.” I glare at him one last time before leaving him and locking the door behind me.
Chapter Five
“YOU KNOW … I’M GLAD THIS happened,” Shadow-Tam says as he walks in front of me to the brig.
“Stop talking.” I hate that this person, this thing, is speaking to me.
Apparently, part of my brain has decided Gus and the-thing-formerly-known-as-Tam could be telling the truth. Why can’t it just shut up until I can figure out what to do with it?
“It’s better if we get things out in the open. There are too many secrets on this ship. I can see now that you’ll never be able to be an effective leader without knowing what’s really going on.”
Much as I’d like to keep telling him to shut his mouth, now he has me curious. And I’m not naive enough to think that this wasn’t his plan all along, from the moment he started talking.
We reach the brig, and I open the nearest door. “Get in.”
He walks inside and turns around when he’s in the middle of the chamber. “Please don’t be angry at Gus. He’s just doing what any loving brother would do in his situation.”
“Bullshit. I’d never do it.” Shadow science? Moving cerebral uploads into other bodies? No way. The OSG always taught us that cerebral uploads were for future scientific uses with computers, not something that would actually be put into a walking, talking, breathing body that comes from … who the hell knows where.
“Don’t be too sure about that,” Tam says. “Sometimes you have no idea what you’re capable of doing until you’re faced with a situation that forces you out of your comfort zone.”
“Bullshit.” My hand hovers over the keypad to shut the portal.
“What if it were Baebong who was dying? Would you host his consciousness? Keep it safe?”
“No.” I shake my head while feeling guilty as hell. If my friend were listening to me, would I answer differently? No, probably not. I can’t help but think he’d feel betrayed by my answer.
“What about your family?” Tam asks.
“No. Never.” My mother is gone and there’s no one else I’d even consider keeping alive. “When the universe decides it’s your turn to go, it’s your turn to go.”
“What if it’s murder that causes someone to go before their time? What if it isn’t right or fair?”
I shrug. “No one ever said life was going to be fair.”
“What if you were killed unjustly? Wouldn’t you want someone to host your consciousness so you could come back and live out your life as you were born to?”
“No!” My words come out too loud. Even to my own ears, my answer sounds like a lie. “No,” I say again, softer this time. “When it’s my time to go, that’s it. I’m gone.”
His mouth turns up in a very sad version of a smile. “You say that as a person who’s never faced her own death before.”
I laugh bitterly. “Yeah, right. I’ve faced my own death too many times to count.”
“No, you’ve faced potentially deadly situations, but not death itself.” He drops his arms to his sides and stares at me. “Death is a very final thing. Until you are walking into her arms, you don’t know whether you’ll be prepared to accept her embrace or fight her touch with everything you have left.”
“You’re wrong. I know what I’d do.” I feel sick saying that, because until this moment, I never really thought about it that hard, and now I realize I might not be as sure as I thought I was. I always considered death to be something out of my hands, something I wouldn’t have a choice over. Having a choice over something like that seems very, very wrong to me, even now when I’m facing someone who’s been given that power. But if I had the chance to live another day, even if it meant in someone else’s body, would I take it? No.
He shakes his head. “I thought I knew too.” He turns around and faces the portal that looks out into the Dark. Every room in the brig has this view. “Gus will be very sad when I’m gone. And he’ll still carry me with him. That won’t be easy for him. I hope you’ll be … kind.”
I back away and shut the door behind me, disturbed at how sad he sounds. How human he sounds.
Chapter Six
“DID YOU KNOW HE’S CLAIMING to be shadowed?”
Jeffers is staring at me over his fritter batter. “Excuse me?”
I advance into the room, seeking a target for my anger. “You heard me. Did you know Tam is walking around this ship as a shadow?” I’ve had enough of being kept in the dark. We have less than two hours before we’re going to be introducing ourselves to a bunch of strangers who want to be our trusted friends, and everything is falling apart inside my hull. Either Jeffers knows this guy is up the river crazy or not, but I need to find out. I need to know who’s keeping potentially damaging secrets from me.
Jeffers drops his spoon into the bowl and stares at me. “Is this some kind of joke?” He looks around, as if expecting someone to jump out of a cupboard at him.
“No, it’s not a joke!” I’m quickly losing my temper. “Does this sound like something I’d joke about?”
“You do have a strange sense of humor, but no, it doesn’t sound like something even you would joke about.” He pauses. “I’ve known Tam for a while now, and I’ve never seen any signs of him being shadowed.”
“And what exactly would those signs be?” I’m assuming I’m about to catch him in a lie. “I mean, it’s not like you see shadow-selves all over the universe. They’re supposed to be a myth.” I pause. “He’s crazy, right? He and Gus are in on some joint hallucination of some sort?”
He shrugs. “I assume all myths are based in reality. I have no idea what the scientists in the OSG get up to behind closed doors. But if both Gus and Tam tell you that he’s a shadow, then I would be inclined to believe them.”
I shake my head. “No way is this OSG. If this is for real, it’s Far Reaches experimentation. Has to be.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because!” I glare at him, waiting for him to make the connection, but he just stares right back at me. Calming my tone, I try a second time. “Because, the OSG forbids that kind of human manipulation. Taking someone’s consciousness, their memories, their actual personality and uploading it to another location, to another host … that’s just … wrong.”
> “From whose perspective?” Jeffers places his cooking implements off to the side and rests his fingertips on the edge of the counter.
“From anyone with any morality.”
“Are you saying that a person’s conscience is their soul?”
“Yes. Maybe.”
He nods silently, staring blankly at the wall for a few seconds before coming back to me. “So, if you feel that Tam’s soul has been uploaded into another host, someone has effectively reincarnated him, is that it?”
I hadn’t thought it through to that point before, but described this way, it does really seem to hit the heart of the matter for me. “Yes. I don’t like it. It’s not natural.”
Jeffers gives me what I think is his patient smile as he lifts his arms up and gestures around us. “What of any of this is natural, really?” He turns his head left and right. “We live in the Dark, traveling in ships made by man to inhabit a place that is completely inhospitable to humans. We depend on non-sentient beings who do a very good job of mimicking human thought processes and emotions to conduct many of our day-to-day operations. We sometimes eat food that’s been processed beyond the point that it even resembles food anymore, that has been bioengineered to reduce waste. We even clone people and animals.”
“Yes, but cloning is just making copies to make up for the time it takes to do things naturally. And we keep track of those copies just in case any problems crop up so we can eliminate all traces of it. But this …,” I snort, “shadowing people … that’s not right.”
Jeffers folds his hands in front of him and takes up a school teacher’s posture. “Did Tam or Gus tell you why he was shadowed?”
I feel defensive for some reason. “Not really. Kind of, I guess. Maybe that he was murdered and it wasn’t fair.” I shrug. “Not that I believe him.” My own denial is sounding weak now. When Jeffers talks about how unnatural our lives are, it does make shadowing seem not as crazy as it did five minutes ago.
“I see.”
“But people are murdered every day, practically. That’s just the way life goes.” I don’t know who I’m arguing with now. Myself?
“But does it have to go that way?”
“Uh, yes?” I can’t believe he’s asking me this question. This is basic stuff. “We’re born, we live, we die. No one gets to have a choice in any part of it. Life is finite. Death is final. No one decides when it happens for them, and that’s it. If someone causes it, and they don’t have the right to do that, they’re punished, plain and simple. We don’t get to break those rules. Breaking those rules means bad things for all of humankind. Haven’t we learned that lesson once already?” It was, after all, the search for the holy grail of immortality that started us on the path that led to all humans having to live on these ships floating in the Dark. Am I the only one who remembers those nightmares from our past?
“But death is not always final. The AI that is sometimes used to extend life is proof of that, and it’s fully sanctioned by the OSG.”
I hate that he’s right. I hate that every time I come up with what sounds like a good reason for this not to happen, he shoots me down with an even better reason that it should be happening. “Yeah, well, the OSG is not known for making the best decisions for our people, is it?”
Jeffers nods. “That is true. In some cases.”
I throw my hands up. “So, you’re perfectly fine with a shadow waltzing around on the ship, just doing whatever the hell it wants, is that what you’re telling me?”
He shakes his head. “Not necessarily. I would say that I’m more open-minded about the idea than you are, but I would want to have more information before I made my decision about what I am, or am not, comfortable with.”
I sigh in annoyance. “Ever the politician, aren’t you?”
“I’m just trying to be fair.”
I turn around to go, pausing at the portal. “I would just love it, one time, if you could be on my side and agree with me.” Frustration with feeling alone is apparently fueling my thought process now. I hate that I sound so needy, but the words are out, and now I want to know what his response will be.
“I am on your side, Cass. I wish you could see that.”
I hiss out my annoyance as I leave the room. I’m getting nowhere with this guy, and I want some answers. But before I go after them, I need my right-hand man with me. The one guy I can count on to be there for me.
“Adelle,” I say out into the corridor.
“Yes, Captain. How may I help you?”
“Tell Baebong to meet me in the brig. Tell him it’s urgent. And I need to know how you’re doing with that sweep.”
“Yes, Captain. Baebong will be notified. My earlier estimate for sweep completion was inaccurate. The sweep shall be finished in approximately five minutes.”
“If you’ve found or find any listening devices, jam their signals immediately.”
“Yes, Captain.”
“And Adelle?”
“Yes, Captain.”
“What’s Gus doing right now? Where is he?”
“He is in the engine room. He is sitting at his workbench.”
“Is he working on something?”
“No, Captain. It appears that he is crying.”
Crying? He’s crying? Would he cry if he were lying about what his brother is? Probably not.
I refuse to let his tears make me feel guilty. I absolutely, positively refuse. And I nearly break my knuckle all over again when I punch the wall in frustration, because I cannot help but feel like his tears are at least partially my fault.
Chapter Seven
“NO WAY. NO FUCKING WAY.” Baebong doesn’t believe my story. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this is outer limits nuts.
“Yes, fucking way. That’s what he said, anyway. I busted him short-circuiting or something in the engine room. He said it’s part of the process, whatever the hell that means.”
“What do you mean short-circuiting? Shadows don’t use circuits. You know that, right? They’re flesh and blood.”
“Yeah, I know that, smart ass. He was having a tantrum or something. Throwing shit everywhere. He must have busted twenty parts in the process.”
“He better not have busted any of my stuff. I’ll frigging rip his consciousness out of his host head with my bare hands.”
“Thank you.” I walk faster, a tiny ray of light shining into my life. I knew Baebong would have my back.
“Thank you for what?”
“For having the appropriate reaction to the situation. Finally, someone gets it.”
He doesn’t answer right away, and then when he does, he sounds a little nervous. “You know I wasn’t serious, though, right? I’m not ripping anything out of anybody.”
I stop short and Baebong runs right into my back.
“Dammit, Bae!” I spin around and yell in his face.
“What?” He jumps back with his hands up. “You stopped too fast.”
“I’m not talking about that, idiot!” I get right up in his face. “This isn’t right! Shadowing is fucking wrong!”
His eyes go wide which is saying a lot for him. “Hey, okay, ease up, Cass. I get it. You don’t want any borgs on your boat. Chill.”
My knife is out and at his chin in a second. “Do not … tell me to chill.”
“Who said chill?” He pretends to look over his shoulder for the imposter who uttered those stupid words. “Not me.” He leans back as far as he can before his head hits the wall.
I slide my knife back into its sheath and take off again. The brig is just around the corner. “Gus is in the engine room crying, and I’ve got this frigging borg in here telling me he needs to be with Gus as his second set of hands to keep things running.”
“He’s probably right.”
“Shut up, asshole, I know that.” I’m fuming. “And I have Macon hinting around that this really shouldn’t even be my ship except for the fact that someone wants to set me up with it somehow, for some fucked-up reason, I’m su
re. And there’s Lucinda too, of course … who managed to build a huge Level G facility with invisible helpers that no one seems to know exist but me in my imagination. Oh! And a pirate who told me right before I floated his fat ass that some guy I’ve never met before, warned him to kill me the first chance he got!” I stop and turn around. “Ain’t life grand, Baebong?”
He smiles. “Yeah. Pretty much.”
I shake my head. “Do you want me to knock you out?”
“No. I really don’t.” He puts his hands on my upper arms and squeezes. “What I’d like is for you to listen to me, okay?”
I don’t respond. It’s not like he can say anything that will make any of this all right.
“I know letting other people tell you what to do isn’t exactly your forte, but hear me out.”
“What? I listen well. Lots of people have told me I’m a good listener.”
“No, Captain. You’re a great observer, but you are a terrible listener. So, focus.” He lets go of me with one hand and points to his mouth. “Focus on the sounds coming out of this spot for just two minutes.” He puts his hand back on my upper arm and squeezes again.
I let out a huge huff of air and try to send my impatience out with it. “Fine. I’m listening. You have two minutes.” My foot starts tapping out a beat.
“This ship has a bunch of fucked up individuals on it. Maybe one of them is a shadow, or at the very least he’s a seriously disturbed individual who thinks he is. Okay? Fine. Deal with it. I’m sure you can say the same thing about every other DS out there. Drifters aren’t exactly pillars of society, know what I’m saying? These ships tend to attract special people.”