The paperwork for drawing your weapon is a nightmare. But the paperwork for discharging a shot—let alone killing a man—is hell.
I do it all. The documents ask for every single minute detail, and I comply. I basically have to write down what I just spent hours telling the two officers. But the more I write every single fact, down to the smell of Vinny’s sweaty hand as it suffocated me, the more the scene replays in my head. I am back in the golden Lexus with Vinny the Rat. He’s suffocating me without any mercy. I feel his hand crushing down on my skull. I can’t breathe and can barely think. All I can sense is the life that’s slowly leaving me. I see the knife coming at me, intent on gutting me. He’s going to kill me like he’s murdered countless others.
The gun is in my hand again. I feel its cold trigger. In it, there is life and death. There is the power to take life or spare it. Aiming my gun at his heart, I chose to pull the trigger. I chose to become a killer.
And it’s something that will haunt my nightmares for a long, long time.
***
It’s a little past sunset when Bryan arrives. I’m waiting for him in the solitude of the spare office, next to the stack of half-completed paperwork. I couldn’t bring myself to finish it without risking a complete breakdown. Since the debriefing, nobody has bothered me except for a nice lady who brought me some food and water. I’m exhausted, but doubt that I’ll be getting any sleep tonight.
Bryan wears a pair of blue jeans and a black, collared shirt. His badge and gun hang from his belt. There are a few dirt stains on it though. They’re definitely from today. He warmly smiles when he walks into the office. “How are you feeling, trooper?”
I don’t say a word.
He takes a seat across from me. “You’ve been cleared from what I hear. And I hear you remember everything too.”
I slowly nod but remain silent.
His smirk disappears. “You okay, Ana?”
“… I… I killed him. I killed a man.”
“Hey, look at me, Ana.”
I do.
“You did what you needed to do. Nothing more.”
“I’ve lied, cheated, shook hands with devils, and now I’ve killed. What is there left to do? What other sin is there?”
Bryan is silent for a long moment. “If you’re worried about what God might be saying, I would guess that he understands. And if he doesn’t, then he is not really God and you have nothing to fear.”
“But now I have blood on my hands.”
“Only the same blood a soldier has. Killing for pleasure or greed is a sin. Not in battle… or self-defense. It was your only option and you made the right call. If any authority in this state wants to challenge you on that, they’ll have to answer to me.”
A part of me wants to ask Bryan if he ever had to pull the trigger, but I don’t. I notice a bit of blood on Bryan’s clothing that goes along with the stains. It’s fresh, not even a few hours old. He follows my gaze before looking back at me.
“Is that mine?”
He slightly nods.
“They told me you saved my life. Between my head and stab wound, I would have bled out if you weren’t there.”
“That’s what partners do. They look out for each other. Nothing to it.” Bryan pauses. “I’m not planning on losing any more partners. One is enough.”
I try to smile, but can’t. “Thank you.”
He slightly smirks for half a moment.
“When you got there, was Vinny already…”
Bryan again nods.
“Before the operation… I did something. Something that made me deserve what I got. In fact, I got off easy.” I take a deep breath as I look away. “My mom was at my apartment when I went home. She wanted to talk to me, but all I could think about was the mission. And—and…”
He patiently listens.
“What I said to my mom—the—the horrible things I said to get her to leave my apartment. The way I hurt her.” Tears swell in my eyes. “It—I was a monster, Bryan.”
I never told Bryan what happened, but he can read it in my eyes. And his gaze shows that he understands. “Now you know what happened to Jack… as well as me. You know that in time, the line between your two lives gets lost and one has to take over. We carry a burden—all of us. And it’s one that we can never share with anybody.”
“Is there any way to stop this all from happening? Any way I can keep that line alive?”
He lightly shakes his head as he glances at my feet. “I don’t know, Ana. Maybe it can. Or maybe it’s just a fool’s dream.”
There’s more silence between us as his words echo in my head. The room grows uneasy as I don’t know what to say. My mind is everywhere and has a thousand thoughts at its forefront: the trigger, mama’s face, Vinny’s killer eyes, and so much more. But Bryan’s next words make them all disappear.
“We found the stash house, Ana.”
I’m pulled back into reality. My eyes lock with his. What did he just say? After several moments, I bring myself to reply. “…how?”
“By the time you were being stitched up, I had a warrant to search through Vinny’s car. He had a pager and a number repeatedly called him while we were searching. It was the landline for a small warehouse. But, interestingly enough, that warehouse was supposedly unused. Legally, the warehouse doesn’t have an owner. The landlord died three years ago with no next of kin to inherit the land so the city took it. But three hours later, I was leading a raid on it backed by an army of SWAT.”
Is this really happening? “How big was it—the stash house I mean?”
“It was the jackpot, Ana. Biggest I’ve seen in a while.” Bryan lightly smiles. “There were six dealers there. We took them all down before they even had the chance to fire a shot. The whole bust took less than ten minutes. A little over fifteen kilos of cocaine were confiscated as well as several thousand dollars in cash. As soon as the raid ended, a seventh dealer—Percy Davies—was coming back from a drop-off. He tried to run when he saw us, but we got him too. We’ve been looking for him for some time now.”
I’m silent. Completely speechless. I had known that whatever stash house Vinny would lead us to would be big, but this is amazing. I was thinking four dealers and eight kilos tops. I can hardly believe Bryan’s words.
“All seven dealers are locked up. We’ve got one of the best interrogators in HPD working them. I’m sure within a couple of days they’ll know that they’re not important enough for Queen Bee to bail out and definitely not important enough to have a defense hired for them. That’ll make them more than willing to talk.” Bryan pauses for a long moment, his grin disappearing. I sense the hesitation in his next words. “And there was something else you should know. Apparently, somebody had done one of the dealers wrong. And in retribution, they had kidnapped his sister earlier this morning and were going to sell her off. We found her in the attic, completely unharmed. I imagine that would not have been the case by tomorrow morning.”
...what? Those—those animals. How… how could they even think of—
Bryan’s words cut right into my heart as I imagine the fear the girl experienced and the vile minds of her captors. I tear my gaze away from Bryan and look down at the floor. They would have destroyed that girl’s life. And all for just a grudge.
“Her name is Angelica.”
Did I hear him right? Angelica? I slowly bring myself to look back at Bryan. For a long moment, everything else withdraws to the crevices of my mind. And where the visions of Vinny were, something else takes their place. “…Angelica?”
He simply nods. “Your operation saved her life, Ana. She has a younger sister—Ellie. And I know that Ellie will be grateful for you putting your life on the line.”
This is too much. As Bryan’s words echo in my head, all I can see is my own sister’s face. All I can see is Angela’s caring gaze. Shutting my eyes, I barely stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.
“You can catch her in the hallway if you want.”
**
*
Bryan leads me out of the office and into the brightly lit corridor. There are countless uniformed officers bustling through the hallway as they attend to their nightly duties. They don’t pay us any heed. This station is much busier than ours. I realize that I haven’t even asked anybody which station this is yet, but I’d guess we’re somewhere in central Houston. The lock-up isn’t too far from here and I hear some of the prisoners getting a little too rowdy. Entering the corridor, my legs are a little slow and I realize how utterly exhausted I really am. I’m surprised I can even stand on my own.
“Captain Scott has given you a short leave of absence.” My partner walks half a step in front of me but slow enough so that I can keep up. “I would really suggest you take the days off and a few more if you need them.”
“I will.”
“Please don’t rush coming back to work, Ana. I’ll page you if anything important happens with the interrogations.”
Compared to our smaller station, this place is a metropolis. I’ve gone from the proverbial pond to ocean, leaving me as a fish out of water. There is so much going on around us that I can’t keep up with it all. I’m not sure where my partner is leading me, but I slowly follow him without a word. We’re definitely going the long way to the exit. Turning the corridor, we come to a much smaller and emptier one. But looking towards the far side of the hallway, I realize why Bryan has brought me here.
There’s a girl, no older than eighteen, sitting on a bench. She has long, silk-like black hair. She’s pretty, slender, and even from this far I notice the innocence on her face. Her cheeks are wet with tears.
“That’s Angelica,” Bryan softly says.
Her mother, father, and older brother are all huddled around her. She’s wrapped in their arms as they all cry tears of joy upon seeing her after what was the longest day in their lives. Just looking at them, I feel the warmth of their love.
But there is one thing that really gets my attention. Between the mother and father, hugging Angelica with all her strength is a little girl: Ellie. She’s no older than seven—almost the same age I was when my sister was killed. With her eyes shut, Ellie is weeping and trembling uncontrollably. She has more tears flooding down her face than any other person there. In that single moment, I sense the bond between Ellie and Angelica. I sense the selfless compassion. And above all, I sense their love.
We’re too far to be noticed by them, but I wouldn’t want to interrupt them anyways. My own dam bursts. Tears suddenly stream down my face, and I can’t take my eyes off of the scene. In that moment, I can’t feel any of my own ache. I don’t see my mom’s pain-filled eyes or Vinny’s merciless ones. I forget that I was almost dead only hours ago. All those thoughts are flooded out by a light. Where Angelica sits, I am seeing something else. I’m seeing my own sister: Angela. And I see myself as Ellie. My own sister was taken from me… but Ellie’s wasn’t. Ellie will never have to go through the pain I endured.
And the fact that it was me carrying out my duty even in the face of death that made this possible makes me feel something I have not truly felt in years. Something that I thought was lost: joy. True joy.
“…thank you, Bryan.” My heart is elated. It’s as if it’s in seventh heaven, and I don’t tear my gaze from this precious sight. I want to take it in and remember every detail from this perfect moment.
I feel Bryan’s hand lightly come onto my shoulder. “No, thank you. Thank you for reminding me of why we do this. It’s not for us. It’s for them. And a scene like this is worth putting our lives on the line.”
Chapter 14
Angela
From the top of these hills, I can see everyone down below: mama, dad, Ramon, and Laura. I can even make out Laura’s baby bump. And around them, I observe countless aunts, uncles, and cousins. It’s the family’s annual picnic and I’m the only one not there. There was a time when I looked forward to this event all year. But now, for the first time in my life, I’m watching it from afar.
It’s the perfect weather for this sort of thing. There are enough clouds in the sky to beautify the heavens without becoming a nuisance. It’s warm, but not hot. And a light, cool breeze only makes everything better. The younger people have several sports going on simultaneously while the older folk are just kicking back and talking the day away.
I can smell the mouthwatering food: enchiladas, tacos, fajitas, and even mama’s famous chicken quesadillas. It’s like a little Mexico down there. But I wouldn’t expect anything less from a family reunion of mine, especially with my extended family there. Nearly half of them are professional cooks. They sizzle their food with so many spices and flavors that it nearly just melts in your mouth.
Watching the entire scene, my insides are in so much pain. Not even two days ago, I was almost dead. A man tried to stab me and strangle me to death in some deserted parking lot. He tried to murder me. And they will never know. They can't ever know.
Laughter faintly reaches me. There is so much happiness down there. Even from up here, I can sense the joy. In years past, I was a part of this jubilant life. I was as happy as they were. But today, hearing their joy only dampens my heart.
I have put a curse on myself. I chose to put on this uniform. I took the mantle of the badge. I made an oath to protect. If I had fully known what all it really entailed, a part of me wonders if I would have really gone through with it? But deep down, I know the answer to that. It is undoubtedly a 'yes'. Even if I had never put on the uniform, I still would never truly be one of them. My laughter would never be the same as my family’s. My heart would never truly be happy. All that disappeared the day Angela was killed. It was in that moment, when I stood on the top of those steps and heard my mother weeping, that I put on the uniform.
This is the only path for me.
Now I know what this all means. I know what happened to Bryan and Jack. It's happening to me too. That line between my two lives was once thick and clear. Then, it began to erode away to a point where it was barely there. It happened so slowly that I never realized what was occurring until it was too late. And now... now I fear that the line is completely gone.
But Bryan... oh God, Bryan has been living in the shadows for months—seeing nothing of his family outside of photographs. To see his family from so far without ever being able to touch them. He can witness their laughter, but never hears it or feels their warmth. He must live in the darkness so that others, like his wife and child, can bathe in the sunlight.
And even with all this—after these months and years—he has not lost his humanity. He has not lost his way. But how much longer can he last? I remember his voice the night he told me about Jack. There was something in it. It was a tone that told me he might not last much longer.
I know what I must do. Bryan saved my life... and I must save his.
***
I’m half surprised that Mary opens the door. And I’m even more surprised that she isn’t holding a shotgun to scare me off of her front porch. My first thought is that she is going to immediately shut the door on me, but that theory quickly vanishes after she stares at me for a few moments.
Realizing that I’ve got a shot, I spit out my opening line before she has a chance for second thoughts. “I know I’m the last person you want to see right now, but if you just give me five minutes, I’ll never bother you again.”
After a long moment, she lets out a sigh. “Why don’t you come inside?”
Please don’t be dreaming, Ana. I follow her past the foyer and into the living room. It’s a beautiful home on the inside. There’s a feeling of warmth here. Hanging from the walls are aesthetic painting and pictures. I wonder if any of the paintings are Bryan’s or Mary’s? The home is well-lit and there’s not a speck of dust anywhere. Mary definitely has an eye for this sort of thing. I plant myself on a recliner but lean forward a bit and Mary takes a seat across from me. There’s a long, awkward silence before I break it.
“Where’s Kevin?” Realizing how cold the A/C is, I start to
regret wearing shorts here.
“At the neighbor’s.” She pauses. “I assume you’re here for the same reason as last time.”
I slightly nod. I notice a picture of Bryan on the table. “I know it’s none of my business… and I don’t want you to think that I’m here to bother you.”
Mary is silent.
“…but Bryan’s my friend. And I care about my friend’s family. And even though you are separated, you’re still his wife… at least legally.” I hesitate. “But something tells me that you don’t like this situation any more than he does.”
She looks down for a quick moment. “This situation is complicated, Ana.”
“I know it is. And I know he’s hurt you before. But he’s been hurting himself even worse every day… and you being gone has only made it worse.”
Mary falls silent for a long time, obviously debating if she should tell me what she wants to. “…it was a year into Bryan’s career when I noticed that there was a distance between us. I knew he was faithful to me. There was never any question about that. And I knew what his job was. I never was excited about the kind of job he had, but he was passionate about it and felt like he was making a difference, so I supported it. But even so, there was a rift. And the more time that passed, the wider it became.”
I wordlessly listen on.
“I even met the people he worked with numerous times. But that didn’t make a difference. He would wear this armor—I knew it was because of his duty. He would see things—bad things—that he didn’t want me to know about. But a time came when he began wearing his armor at home. After Jack died… I tried to be there for him. I knew Jack’s death put Bryan on the ropes, and I tried to help him out of it. But his armor was thicker than ever. The more I tried to help, the more he pushed me away. And the day I told him I was leaving… he didn’t even try to stop me. He just got up and walked out of the house without another word.”