“What are you going to do with it?”
“I’m going to hand-deliver it to the bad guys on Monday morning. They’ll be asleep at the switch, between Christmas and New Year’s.” Bennie dumped red curry onto the rice, making a deliciously fragrant mess. “I’m gonna threaten them with filing it, because the statements they made are so embarrassing that it’s going to be the worst press ever. Then I’m calling my reporter friends and putting them on standby for a big story, on what is otherwise the slowest news week ever. Stop me when you’re amazed.”
“That was three sentences ago.”
“Thank you.” Bennie reached for the fork and scooped some red curry, which tasted awesomely tangy, into her mouth. “I hope I can get a nice juicy settlement in short order. I don’t want my clients to have to wait for their money.”
“What about Christmas?”
“What about it?” Bennie gulped down another mouthful of curry. “On Thursday, I have the other plaintiffs coming in to finalize their affidavits.”
“You’re going to war.”
“’Tis the season.”
Lou chuckled. “That’s my girl. Back in the saddle.”
“More or less.” Bennie thought of Declan and his horses.
“What about Sergeant Right?”
“Crazy about the guy. The guy is great.” Bennie scooped more food into her mouth, happy to be talking about Declan with the one person in the world who knew about him. She wiggled her arm to show Lou her bracelet. “Look, he gave me this. Isn’t it pretty?”
“Very pretty. I’m happy for you. You deserve to be happy. Everybody does, even lawyers.” Lou rose and walked to the door. “Merry Christmas, honey.”
“Have fun tonight.”
“Will do.” Lou left, and Bennie slipped Bear some rice, then got back to work. She kept at it until almost midnight, when she left the office. She grabbed a cab going home because it was too cold and too late to walk. She didn’t really expect to hear from Declan, though she would’ve loved to, especially on Christmas Eve. She scrolled to the text function and typed in, merry christmas eve! She got home in no time, and went upstairs, changed into her favorite cottony nightshirt, and climbed into bed. She read a little, then turned out the light, trying not to think of Jason, frightened and alone in his cell at River Street, motherless on Christmas Eve.
For him, she prayed.
* * *
Bennie woke up to her phone ringing beside the bed. Groggy, she reached for it, and the lighted screen read Declan. She answered right away. “Babe?”
“Hey, sorry to wake you.”
“Not at all.” Bennie knew from his voice that something was terribly wrong. Her bedroom was still dark. The bedside clock glowed 4:48 A.M. “What’s the matter?”
“Doreen had a car accident. She’s in stable condition but she almost died. I’m at the hospital.”
“My God.” Bennie came instantly awake, sitting up.
“She hit a tree. She had major head trauma. She’s been in intensive care all night. She’s stable now.”
“Was she alone in the car? Where are the kids?”
“The boys were with me. There’s so much to tell, I don’t know where to start. The headline is, we went to court and I testified. She threw a fit in court. I got temporary custody. The judge ordered the agreement that I wanted.”
Bennie’s thoughts raced ahead, though she felt disoriented in the darkness. Declan’s anguished voice seemed disembodied, like she was in the middle of a bad dream.
“I got home, then I got a call. I called the neighbor to stay with the boys. I doubt it was really an accident. I think she tried to kill herself.”
“No!” Bennie gasped.
“It’s obvious, to me.” Declan’s voice grew hoarse. “She drove into a tree. She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. She always wears a seatbelt. I think she wanted to die.”
“Why?” Bennie blurted out, but she could guess.
“I think she couldn’t take losing the boys. Her secret is out. It was just too much for her. She had to face her illness and get inpatient help. Our expert said so. Now she’ll get it, that’s the only silver lining.”
“But oh, I’m so sorry for her, and you, and the boys. Richie, too. Does he know?” Bennie tried to wrap her mind around what happened.
“Not yet. They say she’ll recover her faculties but it’s going to be a long process. It’ll take three months for her to even get out of the hospital, then she’ll be in rehab. It’s horrible.” Declan sighed. “I feel horrible.”
“You had no choice.”
“It’s still no-win. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. I shouldn’t have stayed away. I would’ve known.”
“Not necessarily, you wouldn’t have.”
“It’s done now. What’s done is done.” Declan hesitated. “But Bennie?”
“Yes?”
“I don’t know when I can see you again.”
“I know. You told me.”
“No, that was before. What happened tonight changes everything. Now I can’t do the custody plan. There’s not going to be any transition back to her for a year, if that.”
“You don’t know that yet.” Bennie swallowed hard.
“Yes I do. I talked to her doctors. I talked to the shrink. This is bigger than I thought. It will take longer than I thought. It’s an emergency. I don’t want you to wait around—”
“I want to wait around,” Bennie rushed to say, afraid of where he was going. “I don’t mind waiting around. Besides, I have so many things to do, I’m doing them.”
“Listen.” Declan’s voice softened. “I was happier with you than I have ever been in my life. You know that, right?”
Bennie began to get an ominous feeling. “Declan, wait—”
“No, please listen to me. It’s not our time. It’s just not. We have to end it. Our timing is wrong.”
“You want to break up?” Bennie asked, stricken.
“Yes,” Declan answered, his tone grave. “We have to. Face it. We’re snakebit.”
“Snakebit?” Bennie felt her tears come to her eyes. “What does that even mean—”
“It means that as much as I want to be with you, I can’t. It won’t work now. There’s too much to deal with here. I can’t take care of things here and have a relationship.”
“Sure you can, we both can.” Bennie tried to recover, to convince him. “When we get the time, we can get together, we can wait—”
“No, be realistic. I can’t come to Philly because I can’t leave the boys alone. You can’t come here because I can’t have you over. It’s just too much for them.” Declan emitted a sigh. “I haven’t even told them Doreen is in the hospital. They’ll freak. It’s too much pressure on us. This isn’t what you bargained for.”
“I can change the bargain, I can be flexible. You’re worth being flexible for.”
“No, please. It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to us. It’s not fair to the twins.” Declan’s tone turned final. “You like that I’m ‘all in.’ Well, I’m ‘all in’ with these boys. If I don’t give them a hundred percent now, they’ll turn out like Richie. I can’t let that happen. Not on my watch. I couldn’t live with myself.”
“Declan, we don’t have to decide this now. It’s too fresh. It just happened with Doreen. You haven’t had time to process it.”
“Yes, I have. I know how I feel. I know what I need to do, even if it’s not what I want. These boys were brought into this world and they deserve more. Let me go, Bennie. Let us go. Try to understand.”
“I don’t understand!” Bennie blurted out, her throat catching.
“Aw, babe, don’t cry.”
“I’m not,” Bennie said, tears brimming in her eyes. “You don’t have to do this, not now. Just think it over.”
“I thought about it. I’m doing the right thing for everybody.”
“Not for me!” Bennie cried, raising her voice.
“It is. I know it is.” Declan’s resolve see
med to strengthen. “These boys are my responsibility. This is my family. It’s my house and I have to get it in order.”
“But I can help—”
“I don’t need help. If you want to help me, then let me do what I need to do. Let me go.”
“I can’t!”
“Yes you can. You can do anything. You’re strong—”
“Declan, I’m not that strong, I’m begging you—”
“Don’t, please. You know I’m right. I have to hang up. Take care of yourself.”
“Declan, no, I love you!” Bennie cried out, desperate.
“Good-bye, sweetheart. Forgive me. I love you, too.” Declan hung up, and the call went dead.
Bennie pressed REDIAL, frantic. She listened to her call ring, wiping her eyes. There had to be a way she could convince him. She had told him she loved him, and he loved her back. She couldn’t let him go now. She couldn’t let him go, ever. The call went to voicemail, but she hung up and pressed REDIAL again, a frantic urge she couldn’t control and didn’t try. Her whole life had been about arguing back, convincing, persuading when there was no hope of success, and she wasn’t about to stop now. She couldn’t take no for an answer, not to a question that mattered the most.
The phone rang and rang in her ear, then it went to voicemail again.
She hung up and pressed REDIAL, with tears in her eyes.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
The next few days were a blur in which Bennie went through the motions but felt lost in her own world, disconnected from everyone around her. She woke up Christmas morning, forcing herself not to call Declan anymore or check the phone for texts or emails from him. She took off her bracelet and put it in the bottom drawer of her jewelry box, so she wouldn’t have to look at it again. She put the cashmere scarf she’d bought him on the top shelf of the closet and spent the rest of Christmas finishing Yvonne’s complaint. She went to the office the day after Christmas, met Yvonne and the other two plaintiffs, and hammered out detailed affidavits on her laptop. She spent the weekend finalizing the affidavits and by Monday morning had the complaints and the affidavits ready, then she had them hand-delivered to GHT and waited for the bomb to explode.
The associates came back from Miami, and Bennie listened to their funny vacation stories, trying to be a part of the action, but apart from it, inside. It struck her that none of them knew about Declan, Jason, or anything that had happened in her life, which had been turned upside down and then right-side up again, so that it looked exactly the way it always had, but was, in fact, utterly changed.
The rest of the month went much the same way, with the world getting back to business after the holidays, the clients calling with questions, the old cases becoming active again, and new cases coming in. Bennie got a hefty settlement for Yvonne and the others, and in any other frame of mind, she would’ve been deliriously happy. But she was muting her emotions, distancing herself from her own heart, so she felt only as if she had checked a box, completed a task on the Things-to-Do list entitled Getting Back to Normal.
Bennie noticed that in time she thought about Declan less and less, and she stopped checking her phone for texts. Lou would ask her about Sergeant Right, but she put him off and he stopped. She got an official notice from the Superior Court on Jason’s case scheduling oral argument, which meant she was still Attorney of Record and Matthew hadn’t hired another lawyer yet. She called him several times to ask what was going on, but he didn’t answer or return her calls.
The time for oral argument came and went, then she got another notice from the Superior Court, dismissing Jason’s appeal for lack of prosecution. She read it again and again, heartbroken. Matthew must never have hired another lawyer. It didn’t make sense, but she couldn’t figure out what happened. She’d tried to put the case out of her mind, but she didn’t succeed. She couldn’t forget Jason. She couldn’t stand not knowing whether he was still in River Street, moved to the new facility, or back in middle school. She called River Street, but didn’t get an answer, so she assumed it had been closed completely. She called the new facility, PA Childcare, but they wouldn’t give her any information over the phone, one way or the other.
So one Sunday afternoon, Bennie found herself driving back up north, keeping her emotions at bay. She was determined not to feel a single feeling today, but only to gather information. She drove to PA Childcare in Pittston, though it wasn’t easy to find, unsigned and surrounded by dark brown woods, covered with snow and ice. She pulled into the long, winding driveway, which led down into a new parking lot, then got out of the car.
The building was brand-new and modern, a sprawling low-profile edifice with a flat roof and an exterior of large brown bricks below, but tan bricks above. Behind it was a paved yard bordered by shiny new cyclone fencing and atop it, barbed concertina wire that glinted in the sun. She walked to the glass box of an entrance, set under a brick overhang, and entered a harshly bright anteroom with a tan tile floor and eggshell-white walls that smelled of fresh paint. There was a window with a smoked glass barricade, scored with a large hole in the center, and behind it she recognized Stan Dulaney, the young guard.
“Hey, old friend!” Bennie called out, and Stan turned, breaking into a smile and coming over to the window.
“Hi, how you been, counselor? What do you think of the new place?” Stan gestured around him in a proprietary way. “A damn sight better than River Street, eh?”
“It sure is. I’m sure it’s better for you, and for the kids.”
“I saw they took you off the visitors’ list. What’s up with that?” Stan frowned.
“I hope Jason got another lawyer.” Bennie didn’t elaborate. “Did he?”
“Not that I know of.” Stan shrugged.
“I just came up to check on him. Is he still here?”
“Lefkavick? Sure. Where else would he be?”
Bennie’s heart sank. “Can I see him?” she asked, hoping against hope.
“No, sorry.” Stan shook his head, his lower lip puckering. “Wish I could. You know that.”
“I know. Tell me, how is he? How’s he doing?”
“He’s okay, I guess.” Stan glanced behind him, then leaned closer to the glass. “Totally bald now. Got no eyebrows. It’s not a good look, to be honest, like a hard-boiled egg. He wears that cap you gave him, but it doesn’t help.”
Bennie sighed inwardly. “Do they tease him?”
“What do you think?”
“Did he ever see a doctor?”
“Not that I know of.”
“How about a psychiatrist? Dr. Vita?”
“I don’t know, sorry.” Stan shrugged. “Don’t worry. He’s only got, like, two weeks left. All he has to do is keep his nose clean. If he doesn’t reoffend, he’s home free.”
“Right.” Bennie tried not to feel the tightness in her chest.
“We just got a kid back, he reoffended and he got a five-year sentence for aggravated assault. He’s not getting out of the system until he’s eighteen.”
“Jason’s not that kind of kid.” Bennie hesitated. “How about Richie Grusini, who came in with Jason? Is he still here?”
“Yes, he went home but he’s back. Got in another fight at school. Ninety-day sentence this time.” Stan shook his head. “The uncle sees him all the time. He brings the twin boys every Sunday. Cute kids.” Stan checked behind him, again. “We got new rules here, really strict. I don’t think they’d like me giving you this information.”
“Understood. Take care of yourself.”
“You, too,” Stan said, turning away from the window.
Bennie stood still a moment, alone in the entrance hall, unable to leave the building just yet. She tried to imagine Jason somewhere inside, behind the locked doors and the painted cinder-block walls, all by himself. She wished she could burst through the doors, knock down the walls, and claw her way to him, then grab him, drive off with him, and set him free. But she couldn’t, and she didn’t. She had to let him go.
&
nbsp; She left the building and walked to her car, shoving her hands in her pockets, her head down. She hoped the tension in her chest would dissipate and she climbed into her car, started the ignition, and left the grounds, making her way over the snowy back roads. She drove on autopilot, without really focusing, her heart aching and her breathing shallow. She had driven these roads before, and it was almost as if her car were driving itself. Or at least, that was what she told herself when she turned onto the back road that led to Declan’s.
Bennie reached his house and slowed to a stop on the street, leaving the engine running. She didn’t know why she was here, but she couldn’t not come. Snow lay everywhere in a pristine blanket, marked only by deer tracks, and nobody was outside. Smoke curled from the chimney on his roof, but she couldn’t tell if there were lights on inside. His truck was parked next to the barn, so he had to be home, and she felt an ache in her chest, the sensation undeniable.
She thought about going in to see him, and how easy it would be. All she had to do was turn off the engine, get out of the car, and knock on his door. The twins would probably be there, too, but she would find a way to explain her presence. If she went in, she would get to see Declan. She would get to hold him again. She could whisper in his ear, hear him laugh, talk to him. She imagined them stealing a kiss, maybe even sneaking upstairs to his bedroom.
It could happen. She could make it happen. But she knew she wouldn’t. Because she couldn’t be alone with Declan and hide the truth.
That she was pregnant with their child.
Bennie hit the gas. She loved him.
So she let him go.
PART TWO
Philadelphia, January 2015
I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations—one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it—you will regret both.
—Søren Kierkegaard
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Bennie faced the front of Arraignment Court, fighting for emotional control. Declan was entering the courtroom, somber as he supported a distraught Doreen, who had aged more than he had. Identical teenage boys with dark hair and long bangs were with them, their expression stricken, and they had to be the twins, Richie’s brothers Mike and Albert. Behind the group was a pretty, petite blonde in her thirties. Bennie wondered if she was with Declan, his girlfriend, or even his wife.