All the times that I had wished that Edward would not have to leave me behind when he hunted, I had secretly been just a little relieved. Because I was sure that seeing this would be frightening. Horrifying. That seeing him hunt would finally make him look like a vampire to me.
Of course, it was much different from this perspective, as a vampire myself. But I doubted that even my human eyes would have missed the beauty here.
It was a surprisingly sensual experience to observe Edward hunting. His smooth spring was like the sinuous strike of a snake; his hands were so sure, so strong, so completely inescapable; his full lips were perfect as they parted gracefully over his gleaming teeth. He was glorious. I felt a sudden jolt of both pride and desire. He was mine. Nothing could ever separate him from me now. I was too strong to be torn from his side.
He was very quick. He turned to me and gazed curiously at my gloating expression.
No longer thirsty? he asked.
I shrugged. You distracted me. Youre much better at it than I am.
Centuries of practice. He smiled. His eyes were a disconcertingly lovely shade of honey gold now.
Just one, I corrected him.
He laughed. Are you done for today? Or did you want to continue?
Done, I think. I felt very full, sort of sloshy, even. I wasnt sure how much more liquid would fit into my body. But the burn in my throat was only muted. Then again, Id known that thirst was just an inescapable part of this life.
And worth it.
I felt in control. Perhaps my sense of security was false, but I did feel pretty good about not killing anyone today. If I could resist totally human strangers, wouldnt I be able to handle the werewolf and a half-vampire child that I loved?
I want to see Renesmee, I said. Now that my thirst was tamed (if nothing close to erased), my earlier worries were hard to forget. I wanted to reconcile the stranger who was my daughter with the creature Id loved three days ago. It was so odd, so wrong not to have her inside me still. Abruptly, I felt empty and uneasy.
He held out his hand to me. I took it, and his skin felt warmer than before. His cheek was faintly flushed, the shadows under his eyes all but vanished.
I was unable to resist stroking his face again. And again.
I sort of forgot that I was waiting for a response to my request as I stared into his shimmering gold eyes.
It was almost as hard as it had been to turn away from the scent of human blood, but I somehow kept the need to be careful firmly in my head as I stretched up on my toes and wrapped my arms around him. Gently.
He was not so hesitant in his movements; his arms locked around my waist and pulled me tight against his body. His lips crushed down on mine, but they felt soft. My lips no longer shaped themselves around his; they held their own.
Like before, it was as if the touch of his skin, his lips, his hands, was sinking right through my smooth, hard skin and into my new bones. To the very core of my body. I hadnt imagined that I could love him more than I had.
My old mind hadnt been capable of holding this much love. My old heart had not been strong enough to bear it.
Maybe this was the part of me that Id brought forward to be intensified in my new life. Like Carlisles compassion and Esmes devotion. I would probably never be able to do anything interesting or special like Edward, Alice, and Jasper could do. Maybe I would just love Edward more than anyone in the history of the world had ever loved anyone else.
I could live with that.
I remembered parts of thistwisting my fingers in his hair, tracing the planes of his chestbut other parts were so new. He was new. It was an entirely different experience with Edward kissing me so fearlessly, so forcefully. I responded to his intensity, and then suddenly we were falling.
Oops, I said, and he laughed underneath me. I didnt mean to tackle you like that. Are you okay?
He stroked my face. Slightly better than okay. And then a perplexed expression crossed his face. Renesmee? he asked uncertainly, trying to ascertain what I wanted most in this moment. A very difficult question to answer, because I wanted so many things at the same time.
I could tell that he wasnt exactly averse to procrastinating our return trip, and it was hard to think about much besides his skin on minethere really wasnt that much left of the dress. But my memory of Renesmee, before and after her birth, was becoming more and more dreamlike to me. More unlikely. All my memories of her were human memories; an aura of artificiality clung to them. Nothing seemed real that I hadnt seen with these eyes, touched with these hands.
Every minute, the reality of that little stranger slipped further away.
Renesmee, I agreed, rueful, and I whipped back up onto my feet, pulling him with me.
22. PROMISED
Thinking of Renesmee brought her to that center-stage place in my strange, new, and roomy but distractible mind. So many questions.
Tell me about her, I insisted as he took my hand. Being linked barely slowed us.
Shes like nothing else in the world, he told me, and the sound of an almost religious devotion was there again in his voice.
I felt a sharp pang of jealousy over this stranger. He knew her and I did not. It wasnt fair.
How much is she like you? How much like me? Or like I was, anyway.
It seems a fairly even divide.
She was warm-blooded, I remembered.
Yes. She has a heartbeat, though it runs a little bit faster than a humans. Her temperature is a little bit hotter than usual, too. She sleeps.
Really?
Quite well for a newborn. The only parents in the world who dont need sleep, and our child already sleeps through the night. He chuckled.
I liked the way he said our child. The words made her more real.
She has exactly your color eyesso that didnt get lost, after all. He smiled at me. Theyre so beautiful.
And the vampire parts? I asked.
Her skin seems about as impenetrable as ours. Not that anyone would dream of testing that.
I blinked at him, a little shocked.
Of course no one would, he assured me again. Her diet well, she prefers to drink blood. Carlisle continues to try to persuade her to drink some baby formula, too, but she doesnt have much patience with it. Cant say that I blame hernasty-smelling stuff, even for human food.
I gaped openly at him now. He made it sound like they were having conversations. Persuade her?
Shes intelligent, shockingly so, and progressing at an immense pace. Though she doesnt speakyetshe communicates quite effectively.
Doesnt. Speak. Yet.
He slowed our pace further, letting me absorb this.
What do you mean, she communicates effectively? I demanded.
I think it will be easier for you to see for yourself. Its rather difficult to describe.
I considered that. I knew there was a lot that I needed to see for myself before it would be real. I wasnt sure how much more I was ready for, so I changed the subject.
Why is Jacob still here? I asked. How can he stand it? Why should he? My ringing voice trembled a little. Why should he have to suffer more?
Jacob isnt suffering, he said in a strange new tone. Though I might be willing to change his condition, Edward added through his teeth.
Edward! I hissed, yanking him to a stop (and feeling a little thrill of smugness that I was able to do it). How can you say that? Jacob has given up everything to protect us! What Ive put him through! I cringed at the dim memory of shame and guilt. It seemed odd now that I had needed him so much then. That sense of absence without him near had vanished; it must have been a human weakness.
Youll see exactly how I can say that, Edward muttered. I promised him that I would let him explain, but I doubt youll see it much differently than I do. Of course, Im often wrong about your thoughts, arent I? He pursed his lips and eyed me.
Explain what?
Edward shook his head. I promised. Though I dont know if I really owe him anything at all anymore. . . . H
is teeth ground together.
Edward, I dont understand. Frustration and indignation took over my head.
He stroked my cheek and then smiled gently when my face smoothed out in response, desire momentarily overruling annoyance. Its harder than you make it look, I know. I remember.
I dont like feeling confused.
I know. And so lets get you home, so that you can see it all for yourself. His eyes ran over the remains of my dress as he spoke of going home, and he frowned. Hmm. After a half second of thought, he unbuttoned his white shirt and held it out for me to put my arms through.
That bad?
He grinned.
I slipped my arms into his sleeves and then buttoned it swiftly over my ragged bodice. Of course, that left him without a shirt, and it was impossible not to find that distracting.
Ill race you, I said, and then cautioned, no throwing the game this time!
He dropped my hand and grinned. On your mark . . .
Finding my way to my new home was simpler than walking down Charlies street to my old one. Our scent left a clear and easy trail to follow, even running as fast as I could.
Edward had me beat till we hit the river. I took a chance and made my leap early, trying to use my extra strength to win.
Ha! I exulted when I heard my feet touch the grass first.
Listening for his landing, I heard something I did not expect. Something loud and much too close. A thudding heart.
Edward was beside me in the same second, his hands clamped down hard on the tops of my arms.
Dont breathe, he cautioned me urgently.
I tried not to panic as I froze mid-breath. My eyes were the only things that moved, wheeling instinctively to find the source of the sound.
Jacob stood at the line where the forest touched the Cullens lawn, his arms folded across his body, his jaw clenched tight. Invisible in the woods behind him, I heard now two larger hearts, and the faint crush of bracken under huge, pacing paws.
Carefully, Jacob, Edward said. A snarl from the forest echoed the concern in his voice. Maybe this isnt the best way
You think it would be better to let her near the baby first? Jacob interrupted. Its safer to see how Bella does with me. I heal fast.
This was a test? To see if I could not kill Jacob before I tried to not kill Renesmee? I felt sick in the strangest wayit had nothing to do with my stomach, only my mind. Was this Edwards idea?
I glanced at his face anxiously; Edward seemed to deliberate for a moment, and then his expression twisted from concern into something else. He shrugged, and there was an undercurrent of hostility in his voice when he said, Its your neck, I guess.
The growl from the forest was furious this time; Leah, I had no doubt.
What was with Edward? After all that wed been through, shouldnt he have been able to feel some kindness for my best friend? Id thoughtmaybe foolishlythat Edward was sort of Jacobs friend now, too. I must have misread them.
But what was Jacob doing? Why would he offer himself as a test to protect Renesmee?
It didnt make any sense to me. Even if our friendship had survived
And as my eyes met Jacobs now, I thought that maybe it had. He still looked like my best friend. But he wasnt the one who had changed. What did I look like to him?
Then he smiled his familiar smile, the smile of a kindred spirit, and I was sure our friendship was intact. It was just like before, when we were hanging out in his homemade garage, just two friends killing time. Easy and normal. Again, I noticed that the strange need Id felt for him before Id changed was completely gone. He was just my friend, the way it was supposed to be.
It still made no sense what he was doing now, though. Was he really so selfless that he would try to protect mewith his own lifefrom doing something in an uncontrolled split second that I would regret in agony forever? That went way beyond simply tolerating what I had become, or miraculously managing to stay my friend. Jacob was one of the best people I knew, but this seemed like too much to accept from anyone.
His grin widened, and he shuddered slightly. I gotta say it, Bells. Youre a freak show.
I grinned back, falling easily into the old pattern. This was a side of him I understood.
Edward growled. Watch yourself, mongrel.
The wind blew from behind me and I quickly filled my lungs with the safe air so I could speak. No, hes right. The eyes are really something, arent they?
Super-creepy. But its not as bad as I thought it would be.
Geethanks for the amazing compliment!
He rolled his eyes. You know what I mean. You still look like yousort of. Maybe its not the look so much as you are Bella. I didnt think it would feel like you were still here. He smiled at me again without a trace of bitterness or resentment anywhere in his face. Then he chuckled and said, Anyway, I guess Ill get used to the eyes soon enough.
You will? I asked, confused. It was wonderful that we were still friends, but it wasnt like wed be spending much time together.
The strangest look crossed his face, erasing the smile. It was almost guilty? Then his eyes shifted to Edward.
Thanks, he said. I didnt know if youd be able to keep it from her, promise or not. Usually, you just give her everything she wants.
Maybe Im hoping shell get irritated and rip your head off, Edward suggested.
Jacob snorted.
Whats going on? Are you two keeping secrets from me? I demanded, incredulous.
Ill explain later, Jacob said self-consciouslylike he didnt really plan on it. Then he changed the subject. First, lets get this show on the road. His grin was a challenge now as he started slowly forward.
There was a whine of protest behind him, and then Leahs gray body slid out of the trees behind him. The taller, sandy-colored Seth was right behind her.
Cool it, guys, Jacob said. Stay out of this.
I was glad they didnt listen to him but only followed after him a little more slowly.
The wind was still now; it wouldnt blow his scent away from me.
He got close enough that I could feel the heat of his body in the air between us. My throat burned in response.
Cmon, Bells. Do your worst.
Leah hissed.
I didnt want to breathe. It wasnt right to take such dangerous advantage of Jacob, no matter if he was the one offering. But I couldnt get away from the logic. How else could I be sure that I wouldnt hurt Renesmee?
Im getting older here, Bella, Jacob taunted. Okay, not technically, but you get the idea. Go on, take a whiff.
Hold on to me, I said to Edward, cringing back into his chest.
His hands tightened on my arms.
I locked my muscles in place, hoping I could keep them frozen. I resolved that I would do at least as well as I had on the hunt. Worst-case scenario, I would stop breathing and run for it. Nervously, I took a tiny breath in through my nose, braced for anything.
It hurt a little, but my throat was already burning dully anyway. Jacob didnt smell that much more human than the mountain lion. There was an animal edge to his blood that instantly repelled. Though the loud, wet sound of his heart was appealing, the scent that went with it made my nose wrinkle. It was actually easier with the smell to temper my reaction to the sound and heat of his pulsing blood.
I took another breath and relaxed. Huh. I can see what everyones been going on about. You stink, Jacob.
Edward burst into laughter; his hands slipped from my shoulders to wrap around my waist. Seth barked a low chortle in harmony with Edward; he came a little closer while Leah retreated several paces. And then I was aware of another audience when I heard Emmetts low, distinct guffaw, muffled a little by the glass wall between us.
Look whos talking, Jacob said, theatrically plugging his nose. His face didnt pucker at all while Edward embraced me, not even when Edward composed himself and whispered I love you in my ear. Jacob just kept grinning. This made me feel hopeful that things were going to be right between us, the way they hadnt been for so lo
ng now. Maybe now I could truly be his friend, since I disgusted him enough physically that he couldnt love me the same way as before. Maybe that was all that was needed.
Okay, so I passed, right? I said. Now are you going to tell me what this big secret is?
Jacobs expression became very nervous. Its nothing you need to worry about this second. . . .
I heard Emmett chuckle againa sound of anticipation.
I would have pressed my point, but as I listened to Emmett, I heard other sounds, too. Seven people breathing. One set of lungs moving more rapidly than the others. Only one heart fluttering like a birds wings, light and quick.
I was totally diverted. My daughter was just on the other side of that thin wall of glass. I couldnt see herthe light bounced off the reflective windows like a mirror. I could only see myself, looking very strangeso white and stillcompared to Jacob. Or, compared to Edward, looking exactly right.