“How old is it?” I say.
“I am not sure. Older than me.” He smiles and leads me inside.
The smell is of wet stone and dust, but it's not unpleasant. Our steps echo in the small space and my breathing is loud. Animals scurry and nestle in little nooks and crannies, and there are more than a few bird's nests.
“Wow,” I whisper, too afraid to use the full volume of my voice. It seems sacrilegious.
“Even if I don't have a soul anymore, I can appreciate the beauty of a church. My mother played the piano for our church when I was young. I can still hear the hymns in the back of my mind,” Peter says, his voice also quiet. I walk down the middle, brushing my hands on the stone benches that once held parishioners.
“I've never really been to church. Jamie used to go, back when he was younger, because his mom made him, but my parents weren't into it. Mom is too practical. She says she's more into science than religion. Guess that's different now.”
“I came here the first year after I changed. I don't remember how I found it, but I felt at peace here.” He walks all the way to the front of the church, where there is a stone altar.
“I feel like we shouldn't be here. Like we're not worthy, or something,” I say with a little laugh. Some dust crawls up my nose and I sneeze. “Is God going to smite me for sneezing in his house?”
“I don't believe so, Ava. If he does not strike me down for coming in without a soul, then I think you are safe.” He stops at the altar and looks up at the stone cross that somehow still hangs on the wall.
“It's so beautiful and sad. This empty church. It's like it's missing a heartbeat.”
“Like me. A shell without a heart.” It breaks mine to hear him talk like that.
“You're not the Tin Man. You have a heart; you just don't think you do. Just because the one in your body doesn't work anymore, doesn't mean it isn't there. Just because you can't use it, or say the words, doesn't mean you won't ever. Someday, you are going to tell me you love me, Peter Henry Mackintire. Someday you will say those words to me. I won't stop until it happens. Got it?” I grab his chin and force him to look at me. “I'm losing one love; I can't deal with losing another.”
He pulls my face up for a kiss. “My girl,” he says, “my heart.” He puts his hand on my chest, feeling my heart beat.
I'd give it to him if I could.
Twenty-Three
Brooke
I had to leave him. I couldn't stay or else I'd kill him.
“Don't you have anything better to do?” I said to Helena as we sat outside Jamie's window.
I knew it was weird, but I liked being close to him. I hadn't been able to apologize to him yet. He'd passed out again in his truck as I drove him home and carried him to bed. His parents and sister hadn't been home. I had to fight the urge to take the rest of his blood once it was on my tongue. Even if I couldn't see him, I could hear him breathe and listen to his heartbeat and his voice. I'd hurt his hand, and though it was healing, I couldn't heal what I'd broken. He was afraid of me, but he still wanted to be with me. I was afraid of me, too.
A million times I'd thought of what I would say to him. How I would apologize and explain, but the words wouldn't come. I wanted to tell him that I thought about him every waking moment, which was all of my moments, because I didn't sleep. I wanted to tell him that if I could go back and be mortal for him, I would. If there were a way I could be the girl I was three weeks ago, I would. I couldn't, and I couldn't tell him. I had to go. I was just having a hard time letting go.
He'd said my name several times. He knew I was there. I didn't answer.
“I have lived a lot of life, young one,” Helena said. Sometimes she sounded like a girl I could have been friends with and other times she sounded like a grandmother. It threw me off.
“Don't call me that.”
Helena laughed. “You're adorable,” she said.
“Shut up.”
“Don't you have anything better to do than stalk him?”
“Not really.”
My mission to find Ava, to see who she was and find out why Ivan had loved her and not me had long been forgotten. I wasn't sure why it had been my mission in the first place. Maybe it was because I missed Ivan. I still did, but I had something else to fill that hole. More like someone. I'd thought I'd found it, but then I'd screwed it up. I couldn't fix it, so I had to go. Find something else. I wasn't going to tell Helena about it. I still didn't know what she wanted from me.
“You must have had some reason to come to this little podunk town,” Helena said, studying her nails.
“I just ended up here. I didn't choose it.” It was much easier to lie when your heartbeat, breathing and blinking couldn't betray you.
“I see.” She climbed a tree and stood on the top limb, swaying in the breeze. She jumped down next to me. I was unimpressed. I could do the same thing. Maybe we could race one another.
“You know I am good at finding things out about people. The internet makes it a lot easier.”
“Oh really?” I pretended that I didn't care. But I did. Very much. I knew that they would think I was here for different reasons, his friends and their noctali. They already were against me, and there was nothing I could say that would change their minds. Not after how I had sought out Jamie and almost killed him.
“Yes. You should know,” she said, stepping in front of me, “that if you want to have a secret identity, you should probably use a different name.”
“Get out of my way.” She blocked my view of Jamie's bedroom. I tried to lunge around her, but she was faster. I stopped trying and crossed my arms. Why couldn't she leave me alone?
“Your name is Brooke Hallowell. You were reported missing on May 6, but that probably wasn't when you disappeared, is it? Your mother took a few days to realize that you hadn't just run off. There are still posters on every telephone pole in your town. Cara put them up. So did Dillon.”
If I were human, I would have showed the shock on my face. If I were human, I might have slapped her. Instead I stood there, saying nothing.
“You know silence is often more telling than speaking.” How did she know about Cara? And Dillon? How could she know about them?
“I know a lot of things about you, Brooke. It was easy to do a little digging. I also did a little research using one of my brothers. I have a lot of brothers and sisters. Several of them are in love with me and will do anything I ask. They found where you changed. When a noctalis changes, there is often a strong signature scent left behind that is hard to erase. Yours was all too easy to find.”
I waited for her to keep going.
“It only took a little more digging to find out who was in the area around that time, which led me to...” she trailed off dramatically. I didn't bother filling in the answer. “Ivan. Peter's brother. He's your father. Or should I say was.”
“What is the point of all this? You know who I am, big deal.”
“Well, I just find it interesting that your father is dead and you just happen to find yourself in the same town as his brothers and the girl he loved.”
I didn't snap at her. I didn't yell. I just looked at her.
“Well, don't you have anything to say?”
“What should I say? You figured me out. Congratulations.”
“The thing is, I haven't really,” she said, tipping her head to the side as if she was fascinated with me. “You didn't come here to seek revenge; that much is clear. You would have gone right for Ava if you were. Instead you went after her friend.”
“I didn't go after him.”
“I know,” she said, smiling. “You just happened to stumble on him. Strange how things happen like that, isn't it?”
“I'm not here to hurt them.” The incident the other day didn't count.
“I know.”
I was getting really tired of hearing her say that. “If you know everything, then why are you pestering me?”
“I find you interesting, Brooke. You are one o
f the most human noctali I have met in a long time. I like studying you.”
Jamie's family was talking in the house, a quiet human hum that I could never be a part of again.
“Go study someone else.”
I wanted to lunge at her throat, but it would do no good. She had the upper hand, and I would have to bow down to her age, strength and experience. I wished Ivan were here. He would have put her in her place. The ache of missing him was something I never thought would go away. The only thing that could cure it was Jamie, and now I was losing him as well. I had nothing left. Only my endless existence.
“Why do you care so much?” I said.
“Because I have seen mortals and immortals alike do insane things for love. I don't want to see you do something you will regret for the rest of your existence. I've seen it happen. It is not a way to lead this life.”
“What happened to you?” I was more curious about her than I would ever let on.
She looked toward the trees. “Someone I loved hurt me. It was a long time ago, but the memory haunts me every moment of every day. I wish I could take it all back. I'm going to find her. Do you want to come with me?”
Up until now, I'd seen her as just a nuisance. It was clear that Helena had loved and lost. She knew was she was talking about. I thought about it. I could stay and be with Jamie until I did kill him, or I could leave and save him. This could be my new purpose.
I just wanted to jump into the bedroom window of that human boy, kiss him, pull his clothes off, and stay with him all night. We wouldn't have to have sex, but I wanted his skin touching mine. I wanted to meld with him like we were one person, instead of two.
“Sure, why not?”
Twenty-Three
Peter
Ava and I spend the rest of the day sitting in the church or on the hood of her car. She keeps an emergency stash of food in her car, and I find a stream to bring her water in a coffee cup she had in her car.
“Thanks, Peter. You're so considerate,” she says, giving me a kiss as a reward.
The afternoon sun seeps into my skin and I lie with her in my arms.
“I don't want to go back. What if we ran away? I'm not saying we should. I could never leave Mom. But what if? How long do you think we could run from Di?”
“I ran from her once before and she always found me. Di has a way of finding things that don't want to be found.”
Ava's phone rings and she groans before she answers it. “Hey, Tex. Yeah, I know. I just needed some time, okay? Jesus, take a chill pill.”
Texas is yelling on the other end of the line. Ava rolls her eyes, knowing I can hear every word.
“No, I'm fine. I just needed a break.” She rubs her hand across her face. I can tell she is still tired. I might have to drug her to get her to sleep again. It worked well the last time. Texas asks if she should come over to Ava's house.
“Sure, if you want to. Don't bring Viktor. You know what I mean. He can hang with Peter in my room. I just think that it would be too much right now, okay?”
Texas reluctantly agrees, and Ava hangs up.
“She is so much work, and it's even worse now. Not that I don't like Viktor, but it's hard enough with just Tex. Now I have a whole other person to consider. This Claiming business is worse than marriage.”
“What is making you upset?” I can feel her emotions, but more often than not, I am not sure where they originate.
“It's really, really stupid, so I don't want to tell you.”
“Nothing you could ever say or think or feel could be stupid.” Where would she get such a notion? She lets out a big sigh before she speaks. I wait.
“I was just thinking about the church, and you and me and what it would be like. You know, in the future. Whether you change me or not, I want to spend the rest of my time with you. Forever. I was just thinking that it feels a lot like marriage, which is crazy because I'm only seventeen, but I'm already tied to you for life. I was just thinking,” she says in a rush.
I thought the same thing more than once. That she tied herself to me without having a concept of what that meant. That I Claimed her without thinking about the consequences for the rest of her life. I made an impulsive decision out of fear of losing her. If I was human, I would marry her. I would have proposed a long time ago.
“It is something to think about,” I say.
She blinks at me. “What is?”
“Marriage.”
“For real? I didn't think you would care about something so trivial and human. I mean, we couldn't legally do it, could we?”
“Viktor could make up the papers and make them real. If you wanted.”
“I don't know,” she says, twisting her hands together. “I don't think my mother would approve. My dad would go ballistic. I was just thinking out loud.” She tries to dismiss it, but I won't let her. “I mean, you couldn't even say the vows right.”
“It wouldn't matter. I have already tied myself to you in other ways. What would one more bind mean? Just one more way I am connected with you. What is wrong with that?”
“I have to think about it. Not right now. Someday.” She pulls back, scared of the idea.
“Whatever you want, Ava, I will give to you.”
She makes a frustrated sound. “What I want is for you to be able to love. For you to know what it feels like when I look at you, and I feel like the world is ending and beginning at the same time.”
“I do feel that way.” Every second of every day.
“Then why hasn't it happened? It doesn't make sense. I feel like we're missing a piece of the puzzle.” It is possible that there is more to the bind than we thought, but I can't imagine what that could be.
Her phone buzzes again. Her father.
“Hey, Dad. No, I'm hanging out with Tex,” she says, the lie slipping easily from her lips. Her father asks her when she will be home.
“Soon. What's up?” We can both tell there is something in his voice that isn't good. Ava tenses, causing me to do so as well.
“I'm just worried about your mom. I called Dr. Young, but he doesn't seem concerned. Could you go to the pharmacy and get a prescription for her?” he says.
“Of course. You sure she's okay?”
“I'm doing everything he said to do, so we'll wait and see. If we have to, we can go to the hospital. Hopefully it's just a bug and it will pass.”
“Okay, I'll be home soon. Love you,” she says, adding the last part.
Sam hesitates before he says, “Love you, too,” and hangs up.
“You never know when the last time to say I love you is, so I've been making it a point to say it all the time. Just in case. I know we've had our issues, but Mom was right. We need to get over it so we can be there for each other.”
I help her off the hood of the car and she gets into the driver's seat.
“I love you, just so you know.”
“I do.”
I can acknowledge her feelings for me, I can be aware of them, I can revel in them, but I cannot share them. I hope Helena finds Di soon. I can sense that Claire is nearing her end, and I will not let Ava be alone during the aftermath. I want to be there for her, fully and completely.
Brooke
Helena and I stopped so I could feed. She was so old she barely needed any blood. I was a little jealous of her control. I had pretty much none.
“Not him, how about her?” We were near a city park; I didn't remember which city. Maybe Chicago? There was a contingent of homeless people that we'd been watching for a few minutes.
“Yes, her. She's the one.”
I didn't ask what she meant. I waited until the woman, who wore a baggy coat and holey leggings, stumbled down a side street. She slumped against a building, and I could hear that her heart was slowing. I had not noticed it when she was in the large group so full of beating sounds.
“She has a heart condition. She will not last much longer. You are doing her a mercy,” Helena said, eyeing the rest of the group as if picking out
a second. I didn't want to take another. I would stick with one.
I never faced them. A swift twist of the neck was all it took, and she went limp in my arms. I bit her neck and sucked as fast as I could, getting as much fresh blood. It was better when they were still alive, but I hadn't done that since I'd met Jamie. He'd made me think about the fact that I was killing people.
I laid the woman down slowly, closing her eyes and covering her face with her coat. I hoped someone would find her before the rats did.
“Shall we?” Helena said behind me.
The blood fizzed through my body, making me giddy. I wanted to jump from tall buildings, spin around in circles and kiss the stars. I wanted to do everything and nothing all at the same time.
We kept running through the night, but every now and then Helena would stop and think. This had gotten more frequent the farther we had gone. Every time I asked her where we were going, she would just say, “Closer.” If we wouldn't have stopped so much, we would have been able to travel much faster.
Helena was a chatterbox, and I learned all about her life in India, her travels and what she did with her time. I'd thought about that; the fact that I was immortal.
“It can be boring,” she said as we lay naked in the sun the next afternoon. “It's only fun if you have other noctali to share it with.”
“Who do you share it with?”
“I have twenty brothers and sisters. Well, they're not really. I guess they'd be my cousins.”
“Do you all live together?” I was unfamiliar with how noctali families worked. Ivan had never touched on that.
“No. Most of the time we only can be in small groups. Noctali, as predators, don't really get along that well. But I love them anyway.”
“And Di?”
“Yeah, I love her, too, but that's different.” I knew Helena loved Di, even after all she had done. I thought about it, and even if Jamie murdered the entire world, I would kiss him, hold him and be with him. Love made you do things you could never imagine otherwise.