Being with Tex is like riding out a hurricane. Just when you think you’re safe, you realize you’re in the eye of the storm, and it’s only just beginning. All I can do is hold on.
Eight
Ava
Nowhere.
I’m nowhere and nothing.
No pain. No sound. No name. No me.
Who am I?
What am I?
Where? Who?
Empty.
Full.
Living.
Dead.
Darkness.
Light.
Peter
I am grateful she is unconscious. My blood had acted like a drug, but I also crushed up some sleeping pills and put them in her mouth with some water, massaging her throat to make her swallow them.
I am not sure if it will help. If any of it will help her. I watch her, looking for signs that she is in any pain, but her face is peaceful, an almost smile on it. I watch her and read Claire’s letter. I watch her and light more candles. I watch her and read.
I watch her and I wait.
~^*^~
It takes two days before she opens her eyes. In that time her breathing had dwindled until she was only inhaling and exhaling once every hour. Her heart had done the same, slowing its beat until it faded away.
My own transformation had been a violent one, full of pain, but she looks so peaceful that I wonder if they vary. I have not asked many noctali about their experiences, so I have little to go on.
When her eyes do open, she stares for a moment, her face expressionless. And then I see them.
One still a brilliant shade of green, the other still green, but a color that is almost yellow. A tiger’s eye.
She stares at the ceiling and I want to say something to her, but wait for her to speak first.
“Where am I?” Her voice has changed, since she doesn’t need to breathe now. It has the same hollow ring as the rest of ours, but it is still her voice. If I could have cried at the sound of it, I would have. I lean toward her, putting my face in her line of vision.
“Do you know who you are?”
“No,” she says, not seeming too concerned about it. Her voice is flat, all of the human inflection gone. She will have to relearn it. Or maybe it will come back naturally. Unlike with me.
“Who are you?” she asks.
“Peter. Do you remember me?”
She studies my face and it is a strange moment to see that her eyes don’t blink anymore. Now I can gaze at them without any interruption. They are even more beautiful than they used to be.
“Peter?”
“Yes.”
She thinks again and says, “No.” Her hand reaches from the bed and touches my face. It startles me, but not enough to jump. Her skin feels like mine. No longer warm, but room temperature.
Her eyes don’t leave my face and I can sense that the transformation is pulling her unconscious again.
“Don’t leave me,” she says as her eyes close and her hand drops back to the bed.
“Never,” I say, even though she can’t hear me.
Tex
I’m wound so tight that Viktor calls Jamie and makes him come over. Viktor can only do so much in the way of comforting me. I think my crazy emotions are getting to be too much for him. He thinks I can’t tell, but I feel just as much from him as he feels from me and I get that he’s overwhelmed.
I throw myself on Jamie’s mercy on Sunday.
“Hey, Tex. How you doing?” Of course he brings Brooke. Those two are inseparable now. Much like Viktor and me, Brooke is bunking in Jamie’s room, but they aren’t Claimed. Yet. It’s only a matter of time, the way those two look at each other.
Sometimes, I wonder if eventually we’re all going to be immortal. If we will all change to be with the ones we love. All of us, living forever together. We could road trip across America and it would be great, because none of us would have to sleep and we’d only stop to pick up truckers. Or whatever. What a delightful mental image.
“I want to see her. I miss her,” I say into Jamie’s chest as he gives me one of his famous hugs.
“I know, I know.” He pats my back and I can tell he’s sharing a look with Viktor.
I’m a mess. I know it. All I’ve worn for days are the same ratty sweats, and I haven’t bothered to put on makeup or do anything with my hair. My nails are bare because I chewed off all the polish and haven’t bothered to re-do it. Too stressed.
Viktor offered to do it for me, but I declined. I couldn’t hold my hands still for that long.
“It’s gonna be okay, Tex. If anyone can get through this, it’s our girl. You know that.”
I do. Ava’s the strong one. She always has been. That’s why I need her so much. Without her holding me up, I’ll fall apart. Out of all the people that I love, she’s the one I need the most. Not my parents. Not my brother. Her. My best friend.
She doesn’t need me as much as I need her, which is what scares me so badly. I’ve always been the one who had to cling. Like a koala.
“I think we need to get out. How about we go swimming?” The last thing I want to do is put my pale and un-showered body in a bathing suit, but it seems as good an idea as any. Plus, then I could stare at Viktor shirtless all day.
That’s something.
I nod and get ready.
“I don’t have a suit,” Viktor says, but I’ve already prepared for this.
“I bought you one,” I say, tossing it from my closet. I bought Viktor a lot of things. Ava had told me about her little shopping trip with Peter and I’d done the same thing for Viktor. He has the weirdest taste: semi-hipster with a twist. I kind of love it, but I also want to see him in a polo shirt and khakis, so I’d gotten them for him as well.
“Thank you.” He strips down, and I realize that I will never, ever get tired of seeing him naked. Even if he’s naked for eternity. That would be a damn fine eternity.
There isn’t room in the cab of the truck for all four of us, so Viktor and I sit in the truck bed, even though it’s illegal. We aren’t going that far.
Jamie pulls the truck off the side of the road and we hike to a little secluded spot that goes right up to the ocean. It’s one of those places the locals of Sussex know about, but will never share with the general public.
I spread my towel on a flat rock and lay in the sun. I didn’t bring any sunscreen, so I’m going to burn redder than a lobster, but I don’t care. At least I’ll be tan afterwards. After the burning and the subsequent peeling.
Viktor and Brooke take off their shirts (she has a bikini top on underneath) to get as much sun as possible and Jamie dives into the water. He loves to swim and keeps trying to coax the rest of us into the water. I finally relent when he pretty much soaks me by splashing so much.
To an outsider, we look like two couples of teenagers, just enjoying the sun and the water on a lazy summer day. How wrong they would be.
Brooke suggests a breath-holding contest, and earns looks from Jamie and me.
“But you could come rescue me like last time,” Brooke says, raking her wet hair back.
“That wasn’t funny. I seriously thought you’d drowned,” Jamie says, but he’s smiling. If there is one thing I can say in Brooke’s favor, it’s that she has loosened Jamie up a bit. He needs that, since his life tends to be so serious.
“How’s Cass?” With all the immortal insanity I haven’t thought about her in a couple of days.
Jamie looks at Brooke before he answers.
“We’re going to move out and get our own place,” he finally says without looking at me.
“We? As in you and Cassie, right?” I don’t even know why I bother asking, because the answer is written all over his face.
“Cassie, me and Brooke.” I look at her and she won’t look back at me. Like she is almost afraid of me, which is ridiculous.
“I’m kind of suffering from homelessness at the moment, so Jamie offered. I’ve pretty much been staying with him anyway, so it kind
of works out. I’m going to get a job and help with the rent. I’ve pretty much got myself under control.” I look at them like they’re insane. Because they totally are.
“And what about the baby? What if you get a little hungry for a midnight snack? Ever consider that?” Why must I always state the obvious?
My statement is met by looks of horror from both Jamie and Brooke and a nudge from Viktor telling me that I’ve gone too far. Well, someone had to.
“I would never . . . never,” Brooke says.
“How could you even think that?” Jamie says and he’s never looked at me like that. Like I’ve just said the most horrific, disgusting thing he’s ever heard. Oh, come on. He must have thought about it.
“It’s a perfectly legitimate thing to say. I’m shocked that she’s offended.”
Jamie sputters and swims away from me.
“I would never, ever do anything like that,” Brooke says in a small voice, and she sounds like a normal teenage girl. Young and scared and worried about what her boyfriend’s best friend thinks of her.
“I know you don’t know me that well, and you don’t have any reason to trust me, but trust Jamie. He’s the only reason I agreed to it. Because he trusts me more than I trust myself.” It feels like an honest answer. She doesn’t wait for a response as she glides through the water like a dolphin toward Jamie.
“What?” I stare at Viktor and he’s giving me his trademark stoic look. Le sigh.
“Someone had to bring it up,” I say. Why must I always be the voice of reason.
“But maybe not in that particular way,” he says, and I flip on my back to float and stare at the sky. “You would never say something like that to me, would you?”
“No, because I trust you.” I knew exactly what he was doing and where he’s going with this conversation.
“Need I go on?”
“No, no. You’re right.” One lone white cloud moseys across the sky, as if it’s dragging its feet. I close my eyes and breathe in deep, savoring the smell of the ocean.
“I guess I should go apologize now. Even though I made a valid argument, I didn’t do it tactfully, and I should have.” I say it in a flat voice, like I’m reciting a lesson I learned in school. I’d had plenty of lessons on tact when I was younger. You’d think I would have learned by now.
Nine
Ava
Alone.
All alone.
No.
Not alone.
Him.
Heart stops.
Lungs stop.
Time stops.
Everything stops.
I stop.
. . .
I start.
Again.
Anew.
Peter
I know the exact moment her heart finally ceases to beat, when her lungs cease to expand. I lean down and kiss her, feeling her new skin under my lips.
Not new. She’s still Ava, just changed. Different. More like me.
When her eyes open this time, I know they will stay open. Never close. Never need to blink, or shut out the world in front of her.
“Ava,” I say as she looks upward. She is still. So still. No fidgeting. No shifting her limbs or twitching her fingers. Her luminous eyes find me and lock on my face.
“Peter,” she says and the need to embrace her almost crushes me. But there is something else that I didn’t think I would feel.
Confusion. Wonder. Fear.
These are her emotions, and they are still a part of me. I softly pull at our connection and she pulls back, hesitantly, but she does.
“Ava,” I say, kneeling next to her. “You’re here.”
“Where else would I be?” she says, touching my face. “Thank you.”
I let her touch me, and I feel her touch in every single cell of my body.
“This was your choice.”
“I know, but you could have said no. Now you’re stuck with me forever.” She laughs a little and relief crashes over me like a tidal wave.
She’s still Ava. Even immortality could not change that.
“You ready for that? We should have just gotten married,” she says and starts to get up. “Whoa.” Her hand goes to her chest. “Nothing. I never thought it would feel like that. I mean, I’ve never not had a beating heart, even if I didn’t give it much thought, but now it’s gone, and my chest feels . . . empty.” I put my hand on top of hers and place it on my chest.
“My brain keeps telling me to breathe, but I tried a couple of times, and it felt so weird that I stopped.” I lace our fingers together and wait for her to get her bearings.
“Has the world always been so . . . bright? I feel like I stepped out of Dorothy’s house and into Technicolor for the first time.” Her eyes race around the room, taking in everything. She will be even more overwhelmed when she goes outside for the first time.
She stands and walks around the room, testing out her body.
“Wait a second! Do you have a mirror? I wanna see my eyes.” I get it from the bag of things I’d brought and hold it up for her.
“Huh. I look the same. I mean, now I can see every pore, but pretty much the same. And my eyes are still green. I was kind of hoping for one of them to be violet, like Elizabeth Taylor.”
Extraordinary. If I didn’t know better, I would say this was the same human Ava.
“Ugh, my hair is a disaster.” She starts coming through it with her fingers.
“You are a marvel,” I say, because it’s true.
She looks away from the mirror and up at me with that same smile I would cross oceans to see.
“All because of you.”
I cannot take credit for her. None at all.
“I love you,” I say, because it’s what I say when I can’t think of anything else.
“I love you,” she says, and puts the mirror on the bed. “So can I go outside now? Oh my God, I completely forgot about the other thing. When does that happen?” One of her hands reaches to her back, feeling along her shoulder blades. She’s looking for wings.
“At any time now.”
“Is it gradual, or all at once?” Her other hands joins and keeps prodding.
“Mine were all at once. But it will probably not be what you think. I have never found out what determines your second nature. It seems to vary from person to person. I used to wonder if it had anything to do with personality type, but I have not been able to test that theory.”
She takes her time, but sticks her bottom lip out and a pout. “But I want to fly with you. Really fly with you. Brooke has wings.”
“Yes, but you might get something better.”
One of her eyebrows raises. Her facial control is unheard of when I think how long it took me just to learn how to smile.
“What’s better than wings? Nothing in my book.” She spins on her toes, doing five revolutions before stopping.
“Um, wow. I’ve never done that many turns. Like ever.” She points her toe and then does a leap.
“You now have perfect balance. You could do as many turns as you want.” I watch as she turns and turns and turns, going so fast she would be a blur to human vision.
She stops and grins at me.
“I don’t get dizzy. And I’m not winded. This is awesome.” She spends the next few minutes doing hundreds of turns as I watch her, waiting for something else to happen.
And then it does. She falls to the ground, and it’s not a sudden bout of clumsiness. Something has sprouted from her back, and if I still had breath, I would have gasped.
“Oh. My. God,” she says, looking up at me, one hand going to her back. Her shirt is in tatters due to the set of snow-white wings that are now part of her.
She snatches the mirror and uses it to look over her shoulder.
“Oh my God. I want to cry, but I can’t. Oh, Peter!” She throws herself at me, and for the first time ever, the force of it nearly knocks me over. She’s solid in my arms now.
I’d been worried about her being different, or
our connection not being as strong, but I’m not anymore. She kisses me as I let my own wings burst forth, and they mingle together.
Light and dark.
Ava
It’s fate, I swear. This was meant to happen. I knew it as soon as I woke up in my new-and-improved body. Then the wings happened, and I knew, with complete certainty, that this had been the right decision.
My joy and wonder are tempered by something else, though.
Thirst. Hunger. Need.
It rages in me, and I realize that with all our planning, Peter and I never discussed this part. He told me how many people he’d fed on when he’d first changed, and I’d heard about Brooke as well. I’d need more blood in the beginning, but how am I going to get it? It isn’t like I can order some from the blood bank online, like the vampires on television do. I have to get it straight from the source. Fresh.
He’s still here, though. Inside my head. Neither of us thought the Claiming would last, but at least the mental connection is still here. I just hope we’re not bound as tightly as we used to be. I want him to be able to have time to himself. I want to have time to myself. We’ve never really fought, but there’s no way we can get through an eternity together, human or not, without having a few arguments.
I’m still playing with my wings and Peter is watching me. He’s been watching me this whole time. I can never tell him how much he means to me, for being here with me through this.
I feel like me, which is unexpected. All my memories are still here. Mom. Dad. Tex. Jamie. Everything.
I ask Peter if anyone has ever been like this, been able to have all their human parts with them right away.
“Not that I know of, which is why you, my Ava, are so extraordinary.” I kiss him again, and I definitely want to have sex again, but there are more pressing needs that I have to take care of. Firstly, I have some best friends that are probably worried sick, and a Dad I am desperate to talk to.
“I need to call Dad and Tex and Jamie.” Peter hands me my phone and I call Dad. I need to hear his voice.
“Hey, Dad.” It’s only been a few days, but it’s also been a lifetime.
“Hey, Ava-Claire Bear.” He sounds tired, but just the sound of his voice in my even-more-sensitive ears makes me grip the phone until I almost break it. Peter hovers next to me, as if he’s afraid that I will.