My ex turned his head to regard me for a second. “That’s a good question. What specifically happened today?”
“He keeps trying to leave the classroom. I’ve never seen anything like it.” Mrs. Brown spoke with a nervous twitter in her voice. Whenever I’d spoken to her all year, she’d had that shake to her voice. I didn’t know if I could manage to listen to it all day. No wonder Dex wanted out of the room.
Levi rubbed his forehead. A quick move, but I caught it. My unflappable ex was stressed. “What exactly does that mean? He’s getting out of his seat?”
“I wish it was that.” I didn’t care for Mrs. Brown’s tone. If she’d been a teenager, I would call her surly. Now she simply sounded rude. Or maybe I didn’t care for how she talked about my baby. “He gets up. I tell him to go back to his seat. He’s always done that. I’m used to boys being bouncy even if he’s too old for it now.”
I rolled my eyes, and I didn’t even try to hide it. How could she be used to anything? She was probably twenty-five years old—if that. Round-faced with eyes slightly too close together, she looked more like an owl than a person. Okay, I was no longer being kind in my internal musings. I didn’t even care.
She continued. If anyone noticed my unhappiness, I couldn’t tell. “Today he keeps booking it to the door. Running at the top of his speed to make a dash for it. He keeps screaming that it’s all wrong. That’s why the counselor is here. Honestly, I’m not sure about his mental health.”
The counselor gasped.
“You’re concerned about his mental health?” Levi outright shouted now. “Number one: I don’t think you’re qualified to be making statements about our son in that matter.”
Levi raised his voice. Van upbringing aside, I didn’t think the teacher was supposed to have said that—not if the principal’s wide eyes and the way the counselor backtracked meant anything. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes, yet I forced them back. The way she described Dex didn’t sound like him at all. My middle son was happy, ridiculously so sometimes. Out of all of them, he’d handled our divorce the most easily. His quick grin never disappeared. He continued to behave as he always had.
Did Dex bounce around too much? Yes, probably. I could see it as she described the behavior. Did he get up from his seat and rush for the door screaming about something being wrong? Goosebumps broke out on my arms. No, but sometimes my mother did.
“We know it’s been a hard year.” The counselor used what had to be his pacifying voice. My skin crawled from the sound. “Divorce is hard on the whole family. There are support groups to help with whatever might be going wrong. We can offer…”
I pushed back my chair and ran for the door.
I had to see Dex. Now.
“Babe?’ Levi called after me. I didn’t stop to turn around.
Chapter Eight
I’d been to Dex’s classroom a handful of times. In the past, I would have been there weekly cutting and pasting for the teacher. Or doing whatever busy work she didn’t have time to handle. I rounded the corner and pushed open the door with my heart pounding so hard in my ears I could hardly hear over the sound.
My eyes scanned the room. If they really thought he was mentally ill, who had they left him with to watch him? What kind of pain was he in?
I found him seated by the window, staring outside, not watching the substitute at the front.
“Kendall.” Debbie, my former friend who was now subbing, gasped, grabbing her throat like I might hurt her. I ignored her, heading for Dex, who turned to face me.
His brown eyes were wounded like they sometimes became when he didn’t feel well. He jumped to his feet at my approach. Even though I’d seen a change in him during the year before, where he didn’t want me to hug him like a baby anymore—at least in public—he threw his arms around me. He weighed eighty pounds, way too heavy to be carried around, and yet I somehow possessed super-woman mom-strength while I scooped him up and brought him with me to the hallway.
“I can’t make anyone understand how it’s wrong.”
I brushed his soft brown locks from his eyes. “You can make me get it, Dex. Or you don’t have to. I believe you anyway. Sometimes it’s wrong for grandma, too.”
Like my mother, my middle son had visions. They weren’t part of my gift, and I’d always considered myself lucky to have avoided them. I swallowed the sob I wanted to let loose. This was strong-mama time, not falling-apart-Kendall. “What was wrong?”
He glued his eyes shut and scrunched his face. “Everything.”
“Kendall?” My ex stood over us. I had no doubt of his love for Dex. Levi would swim to China with the kids on his back if they needed him to. This, however, was something else entirely. How did you make a non-sensitive understand that his flesh and bone could see evil everywhere?
I’d failed them both. Dex by not prepping him for the idea something like this might someday occur, and Levi for not making sure he’d handle it better with his kids than he had with me. All traces of last night’s buzz were gone.
“Dad.” I only addressed Levi as thus when the kids were around. “We’ve had a hard day and lots to discuss. At home. Not here. I’m checking him out.”
He nodded once, a sharp jerk of his head, and headed back toward the office without the requisite argument I anticipated. Maybe he’d save it for me for home. I didn’t care. I needed to make Dex safe physically since I’d never again be able to do it emotionally for him.
Somewhere inside, I died a little.
****
An hour later, my middle son slept peacefully on the couch, a Pokémon video playing in the background. As Levi hadn’t returned to work, I had to assume he wasn’t going to. I straightened my spine to meet him in the kitchen. Fighting with him exhausted me. I had to treat each encounter like a battle.
What I really needed was my mom. She had to teach me how to help my son. Or maybe she could instruct Dex on how to get control of the visions himself, if such a thing were possible for an eight-year-old.
Levi didn’t turn when I entered the kitchen, his gaze staying outside in the backyard like he saw something more interesting out there than the pointless lawn furniture which would never sit by a pool or the grass which probably needed mowing.
“He’s asleep.”
At the sound of my voice, he rocked back on his heels. “It’s something like what you have, isn’t it?”
Well, I hadn’t expected that response. Where was the yelling? Maybe he was building it up. “Sure is. But more like my mom. I don’t have visions.”
He closed his eyes with a wince for a second. “Visions.”
“Oh, this is going to be one of those situations where you repeat every last word I say, isn’t it? Like you have to say it because you can’t believe it. This is Levi doing his best disdain. I’m familiar with this, and frankly I’m not in the mood.” Once I got started, I had a hard time reining my temper back. Short of punching him, I wasn’t sure why I should hold back my flame. “And before you suggest such a thing, as per your request, I’ve not told our kids anything about my abilities. I failed Dex by doing so, and I let you down, too. I can see that now. I apologize. But fuck you for even thinking it.”
He stepped toward me. “You’re putting words in my mouth. I never said you told them. Is mind-reading one of your talents? Because I didn’t even think what you accused me of. And nice language. Okay. He has visions. Now what? We can’t send him back to that school. It’s bad enough they’ve ostracized you as a crazy person; what are they going to do to our son? Are there schools for people with visions? Do we have to send him to some Harry Potter boarding school? Hogwarts? Or do I suddenly become your dad—give up job, my whole life, and start driving around in a van—because that’s what I’ll do if that’s what keeps him safe.”
So he had noticed what happened to me. This whole time I wondered. He’d never mentioned a word. I tried to steel my heart at his pretending not to know I’d been destroyed and to focus on our son. “We’re goi
ng to have to homeschool him. I don’t want him made fun of either, although that’s not my biggest concern. If he has a vision and it overtakes him, he can’t be at school. Not till he learns to control it. My mom can have one and no one knows.” Most of the time. There were still some that took her to the ground. Baby steps with Levi …
“Who’s going to homeschool him? You?” He threw his hands in the air.
“Ouch.” I walked to the fridge to grab some water if for no other reason than to give myself a moment. “Thanks for the knock about my own education. I could teach him if I had to. I went to college. That’s where we met. My parents did their best to see I wasn’t ignorant. Thank you very much.”
“Kendall, talking to you today is like navigating a mine field. That’s not what I meant. Do you have the time for homeschooling? Do you even want to?” He shook his head. “I’ll pay for the teacher. Get it done. Find one. I can’t do this anymore. I need to breathe. Is this going to happen to Molly? If Gray were going to have gifts or whatever, he would have started before now, right? He’s safe. What about Molly?”
I shook my head. “I have no earthly idea.”
“We have to find a way for Dex to be safe. You, too. I have to protect all of you. How am I supposed to do that when I can’t even experience what you do?”
I walked toward him, my ears ringing. I didn’t even move consciously; it was as though my body needed to be close to his, so I could deliver the statement that had to be said. “Keep us safe? You can’t keep us safe. You never could. Guess what? I can’t either. I could go out tomorrow and get hit by a car. And for that matter, Levi, if you really, truly wanted to protect me, you could have started a long time before now by stopping the gossipers and telling them I wasn’t a drunk and that what went on between us wasn’t any of their business. But you didn’t then because you wanted to punish me.”
He didn’t respond right off, but he paled two shades, and by the time he answered, he looked like a man who needed a nap. Levi was exhausted. I’d been his wife long enough to be able to tell. My heart clenched. I would probably always want to soothe Levi’s hurts. It came with the territory of being in love with him, whether or not we actually belonged together.
“You’re right. I’ll never be able to make that time right. I wish I could go back and do things differently. I wish I could tell myself that I’d get over the hurt and eventually understand why you thought you had to lie all of those years. I’d still have my family intact, and I wouldn’t have to leave here tonight. I wouldn’t have to know Dex suffered blocks away, and all I could do was wait for my days to come so I could see him. I’d still be able to hold my wife. She wouldn’t kick me out right after we had sex on the floor. I wish I had been a better man.”
I wanted to sink to the floor into a puddle of tears. He’d never spoken so clearly before. I wanted an apology; I’d gotten one. A really, really good one at that. “You can stay. Tonight, if you want to, in the guest room. I don’t want to confuse the kids. You’d never have to leave Dex. Not if you feel like you need to be near him.”
The doorbell rang, catching my attention and stopping me from finishing my thoughts. Like the phone call this morning, it would be so easy to simply treat Levi like the last months had never happened. Maybe that was what I should be doing. We had kids together, and come hell or high water, I was always going to love him as the man who had once made all my dreams come true.
“That doorbell keeps ringing today.” I walked past Levi, breathing in the scent of his soap—the clean, fresh smell—as I did.
He ran his hand through his hair and watched my movements. His gaze on my back burned a hole in me. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to hug him or run away.
I swung open the door and stopped short, all decision-making about Levi fleeing for a second. My parents stood on my doorway, hand-in-hand. Behind them, the van I’d spent my formative years in took a prominent place in my driveway. My parents looked the same; my mother hardly ever aged. People always thought she was twenty years younger than she actually was, and while my dad had greyed a bit and had more lines around his eyes, he didn’t look old to me.
Mom had always been beautiful. I held nothing to her gorgeousness. With dark hair, blue eyes, and cheekbones so high she could have modeled if she wanted to, she always looked like she’d come from a day of leisure instead of how she really spent her time. In his day, women told my dad he resembled Robert De Niro. As he’d aged, I saw the resemblance less and less. Still, he remained a very handsome man.
“Did we get here in time?” My mother dropped my father’s hand to pull me into a tight embrace. “Tell me Dex hasn’t started the visions.”
I sucked in my breath. “It happened today.”
“Dang it.” I smiled at my mom’s words. She had the funniest expressions. No one else ever spoke the way she did. She still smelled like Clinique soap, her one indulgence, and Tide laundry detergent. “I had the vision last night, and I hoped I had enough time to get here first. I wanted to be here when it happened. Of course they never go like that. I’m always too late to stop the events. So frustrating to even have to see these things when I can’t do anything about them anyway.”
“I know.” I kissed her cheek. “But you can’t know how glad I am that you’re here. We’re not really sure what to do.”
“I need a hug now, too, young lady.” I let go of my mom to embrace my father. When I’d been younger and still naïve enough to believe in nonsense, I’d actually believed my father to be an impenetrable wall between me and all the evil in the world. I squeezed him tight.
He let out a loud breath. “Let’s go inside. You can catch us up on how bad the situation got, and we’ll figure out what to do.”
“Okay.” I hadn’t seen them in forever, and they came to me as though no time had passed whatsoever. They were parents. I needed them, and they’d come. “All this time I’ve been such a bad daughter. I left our life. I lied about it. I pretended to be someone I’m not…”
“Hush.” My mother lifted her hand to stop my words, and I closed my mouth instantly. “Everything has worked out the way it’s supposed to. I believe that down in my very soul. We haven’t been completely honest with you, too. This time, now, we’ll tell each other some truths. “
And just like that, my mother and father walked back into my life.
Levi stood, mouth hanging open, staring at my parents. I did a quick count. This was probably the sixth time in our relationship that he visited with them.
“Son.” My father extended his hand, and Levi took it, shaking their greetings as though they were old friends. I’d never expected to have a day like this one—but maybe out of darkness and fear there could be reasons to celebrate, too. I’d opened the door to a new chapter of life with my family. A cold breeze blew against my back, and I closed the door, locking it behind me, but not before I caught sight of the van one more time. Dirty, old, and more telling than anything else in my life had ever been.
****
Molly sat on my mother’s lap, coloring. We saw Levi’s parents on occasion, or at least we used to, but while my parents had come, briefly, to the hospital when each of the kids was born, they’d not been present for most of the kids’ lives. I’d never stopped to think of them as grandparents because they’d been anything but traditional parents to me. Sitting at the table, coloring princesses with Molly, my mother looked every bit the grandmother.
Dex, awake and chatty like the whole morning hadn’t happened, played Monopoly with his brother and my dad. Gray hadn’t said much since he’d gotten home. During recess, he’d heard about what had happened with Dex. To say he was annoyed there was another reason for people to be talking about us understated the problem. However, at least in front of his grandparents, he’d maintained his manners. Small victories …
I sat across from my mother and watched while they played. In the end, Levi had opted to go home. I think he found my parents overwhelming. Dealing with ghosts and visions from me an
d Dex was one thing; having a house full of believers, while he straddled the line of trying to decide if we were all nuts, constituted something else entirely.
“Tomorrow, if it’s okay with you, I’ll take Dex to the park. He and I can start talking about some things he can do to make his experiences easier. First steps.” My mother picked up the red crayon and started coloring one of the dresses. “Your father can teach him until Levi and you work out who you’d like to hire.”
Across the room Gray made a sound close to a groan. “Are we all going to become homeschooled now? Is this a thing? Dex freaks out, so off to the dining room table to learn, we go?”
“No, honey.” I ignored his tone. The therapist was going to be getting an earful from me at his next appointment. “You can continue to go to school.”
“I’ll stay home.” Molly bounced on my mom’s lap. “I’d like to. And be with Grandpa and Grandma and Dex. It’ll be fun.”
I leaned back in my chair. “You’re going to school, too.”
“I always expected to have to explain these things to you.” My mom didn’t look up when she spoke to me. “Only your gifts turned out to be different than mine. More like your father’s. They were easier to hide, easier to control. I didn’t have to teach you. Your ability to suppress far exceeded that of anyone I’d ever known.” She looked up. “That sounded like an insult. It’s not. I was always so impressed by you.”
Molly didn’t seem to be reacting to my mother’s chatter at all, and so far Gray hadn’t asked too many questions either. What did they understand about our situation, and what had I managed to keep hidden? I’d failed Dex. I couldn’t do that to the other two. There was no handbook on how to handle this. I couldn’t ask the therapist for advice. Gee, how should I tell them they might have a life that will include seeing ghosts?